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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be concerned his DD will rub off on our DC?

68 replies

CharliePerry · 12/08/2018 12:41

Expecting our first, due in November. DP already has a daughter, 6 - she’s lovely, however still doesn’t know how to say please and thanks even though DP tries to enforce and encourage it. She doesn’t listen, answers back and when she’s told off (even in a very mild normal parent telling child off way) she cries and tells her dad she hates him. She plays her mum and Dad against each other and makes things up about people (me included. I provide nothing but a supportive, kind shoulder to lean on for her, but she still told her mum I smacked her bum - I wouldn’t dare!). I have no idea why she is disruptive, she can be very spiteful at times. I care for her greatly and feel guilty for fearing she will rub off on our DC.

Am I utterly unreasonable for feeling this way? Do kids tend to be entirely different? I feel manners are so important and think children learn a lot from their siblings.

I’ve never had children before so maybe I’m naive to feel this way...

Ideas?

OP posts:
SavannahSky · 12/08/2018 12:45

Yanbu I to feel that way

But it is what it is

HollyGibney · 12/08/2018 12:47

I'd be worried too. However I probably wouldn't have had a child with him with those concerns in mind.

crosstalk · 12/08/2018 12:51

She's 6. Her father has left her mother for another woman (however it happened) and is having a baby with the latter. Have you thought of suggesting counselling for her to help her cope? She may be a naturally unpleasant piece of work or she could be trying to deal with things that disturb her.

SisterNotCisTerf · 12/08/2018 12:51

Well what do you suggest OP? I suppose you could have someone else raise your baby to avoid being exposed to its sister?

hooochycoo · 12/08/2018 12:52

You are full of hormones and overthinking things. Your child will still be a baby will your step daughter grows up a little. And then when your step daughter is a lovely 9 year old you’ll be pulling your hair out about your rude tantrummy preschooler. Chill out, children are all different, all learn at different rates and to a great extent aren’t determined by your parenting skills ( caveat- ofcourse neglect/abuse) . What will be will be. Try to enjoy your step child and baby for their good qualities, try your best and fon’t Over think it x

Singlenotsingle · 12/08/2018 12:53

She's probably confused and upset about her mum and dad being apart. Maybe it shows in her behaviour? Attention seeking and disruptive? Sorry not helpful, I dk what the answer is ...

isseywithcats · 12/08/2018 12:54

Shes six years old lives with her mom so only sees dad part time, and you are having another baby with her dad, think of this through her eyes, she must be thinking you have replaced her mom, and your new baby will replace her in her dads affection, pick your battles ,manners all you can do is repeat the please and thank you when its required, but dont make a big thing of it, its the sort of thing that filters into becoming a habit, tantrums kids say things they dont mean so when she tantrums ignore, no audience equalls no reaction, she will learn she isnt getting the attention she wants even if its negative attention, six year olds can be beastly, when shes being spiteful just point out thats not nice behaviour but above all stay calm she will then have to think about her own behaviour and come to her own conclusions

Original poster
CharliePerry · 12/08/2018 12:57

@SisterNotCisTerf I feel your response is a little extreme. I was simply curious if anyone else had experienced similar, and possibly had any advice of experience to share.

OP posts:
SisterNotCisTerf · 12/08/2018 12:57

BTW your baby will be awful at times too when it’s 4/5/6. It will answer back, lie, be destructive, tantrum.

Whitecurrents · 12/08/2018 12:57

YANBU but as pp have said she’s probably having a tough time at the moment and may need some understanding and time. FWIW my DC are totally different in temperament and manners.

SisterNotCisTerf · 12/08/2018 12:57

Grin it was very much tongue in cheek, obviously. Perhaps calm down?

Original poster
CharliePerry · 12/08/2018 13:03

@SisterNotCisTerf I know this. I've been with her dad since she was 3 however and know that she's not disruptive in the normal 6 year old kind of way. It's like she has a real inability to absorb any new information, can't remember to use manners, throws a tantrum almost daily - I am painting an awful picture and do understand that she's just 6 years old. My suspicion is that she isn't told to use manners at her mums as she always says 'mummy doesn't make me say please' - or is she just playing her parents off against each other?

Oh I don't know. I just want what is best for both of them, and worry about my DC also.

OP posts:
Thesearmsofmine · 12/08/2018 13:04

I wouldn’t worry about this, children go through phases of answering back, making up stories and so on, yours will too.

Original poster
CharliePerry · 12/08/2018 13:05

@Thesearmsofmine she's been going through this phase for 3 years now. I really hope you're right!

OP posts:
Thesearmsofmine · 12/08/2018 13:06

You also say she is lovely so I am guessing this isn’t a constant thing. She has a lot going on as well as going through normal stages of childhood behaviour.

SisterNotCisTerf · 12/08/2018 13:07

Your falling into the old “it’s all her mums fault” cliche. Which is convenient and lazy thinking. Children are all different. You deal with it by being consistent with rules and boundaries at your house and ignoring any “I don’t have to say thanks at mums house” stuff. Because whether that’s true or not is irrelevant. She is at dads house and she must have manners and follow the rules. Consistency is key and you and DP being on the same page.

Original poster
CharliePerry · 12/08/2018 13:08

thesearms oh absolutely. She can be an absolute gem! She's loving and kind, 90% of the time. That 10% of the time where she's naughty and disruptive is a big chunk though and it's daily. But really she is very sweet.

OP posts:
Original poster
CharliePerry · 12/08/2018 13:10

@Singlenotsingle absolutely, hence why I said 'or is she just playing her mum and Dad off against each other?' - I just don't know.

I only came to that one possible conclusion because she throws a huge tantrum even if asked to say please or thanks etc, and the boundaries, when crossed lead to further tantrums. I therefore thought one possible conclusion could be that she doesn't have these boundaries at her mums.

OP posts:
OhFFSDH · 12/08/2018 13:11

Totally normal, especially where a child's parents split. She is testing boundaries - you all need to be on the same page on the parenting, keep a poker face and any concerns speak to each other about it.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 12/08/2018 13:12

You must pick your battles and this isnt it.concentrate on pg and a happy environment
She’s 6yo awash with emotions & knows daddy’s having a new baby soon
She’s likely a bit confused,scared, as any sibling is when a new baby’s is due
Don’t knock yourself out about this,sure manners is important but so is a happy home

PorkFlute · 12/08/2018 13:15

I’d be more concerned about her dad allowing his new addition to behave in the same way as his eldest rather than behaviour rubbing off tbh.
Unless she has additional needs if her dad was disciplining her effectively she’s wouldn’t have problem behaviour beyond that of a typical 6yo.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 12/08/2018 13:15

You’ve said she’s 90% great sweet girl,so same as every other kid
Praise the 90% when she’s being good.dont leave her feeling only the 10% get comments
And congratulations on your pg, I wish you well it’s an exciting time.

viques · 12/08/2018 13:16

I'm sure you do , but make sure you and your oh always say please and Thankyou to each other, and to her, if it is only expected of your dsd then she won't pick it up, if she sees it as the norm for everyone when she is with you then eventually she will.

hooochycoo · 12/08/2018 13:21

You do realise that your DC is just as likely to have tantrums, not say please, answer back etc?

And really if it’s only 10% then it’s completely normal and you are demonising a little child.

I’ll say again, it’s your hormones. We all have a tendency to overthink things when awash with hormones. Honestly in three years time when you’re at the end of your tether about your rude and relentless toddler re read this thread. Cringey indeed

SandyY2K · 12/08/2018 13:25

Many kids are taught manners and still forget. You have to keep on saying "what's the magic word?" Or "what do you say?"

That's normal.

The telling lies is more concerming...but i see it as her seeking attention. My niece when she was 4 or so would tell her mum, my Dsis that my DD had hit her. My DD is 11 years older.

It wasn't true..but if she was naughty my DD would tell her or if she was not getting attention from the older cousins, she would come and say one of them hit her.

Kids are different and I don't think it will run off on your DC.

When kids tell big lies, it's important for them to understand the consequences it can lead to.