to be concerned his DD will rub off on our DC?

[CharliePerry]

Expecting our first, due in November. DP already has a daughter, 6 - she’s lovely, however still doesn’t know how to say please and thanks even though DP tries to enforce and encourage it. She doesn’t listen, answers back and when she’s told off (even in a very mild normal parent telling child off way) she cries and tells her dad she hates him. She plays her mum and Dad against each other and makes things up about people (me included. I provide nothing but a supportive, kind shoulder to lean on for her, but she still told her mum I smacked her bum - I wouldn’t dare!). I have no idea why she is disruptive, she can be very spiteful at times. I care for her greatly and feel guilty for fearing she will rub off on our DC.

Am I utterly unreasonable for feeling this way? Do kids tend to be entirely different? I feel manners are so important and think children learn a lot from their siblings.

I’ve never had children before so maybe I’m naive to feel this way...

Ideas?

Surely if she’s not using please and thank you, she’s not getting what she wants? And she’ll soon learn the consequences.

My kids had to learn, they all do.. but it didn’t take much of me pretending I hadn’t heard their requests, for them to realise it was their lack of manners causing my deafness. If there is no please/thank you then they don’t get the toy/treat/biscuit/etc.

You DH needs to talk to his ex about whether she makes their daughter say please and thank you. If she says she does, they can present a united front in insisting on it.

I had my first child when my dsd was 5, like your dsd she didn’t know how to say please and thank you, could throw huge tantrums and was very noisy. I was slightly worried but neither of my dd’s Have turned out anything like their older half sister. Dsd is now 18 and still doesn’t say thank you for anything.

If it's only 10% then that is encouraging.

It is hard to know from your post what sort of parenting she is getting with her mum. However, I think it is accepted that it is perfectly fine to let kids know that there are different rules in each house and that the rules must be adhered to. then although it is annoying, it doesn't matter what happens so much in her mum's house, because you are very clear about what is expected in your house.

She should be able to understand that concept as it's bit like different rules for school.

and be firm!

Rule one of parenting: choose your battles.

My mantra is ‘the need the most love when they deserve it the least’. As PP have said, focus on the positives, concentrate on the good behaviour. Cut her some slack, she’s been through a lot. She needs to know she is important. Kids test your boundaries. Maybe it’s to do with her Mum, but maybe it isn’t.

(I have found tantrums are best managed by withdrawing attention for the duration BTW. Nothing gets a child’s attention more than having no attention).

By the time your baby is of an age to be influenced by your DSD everything will have changed.

You can’t be worrying about this. Your family is changing, and you need to adapt and handle those changes - as does this little girl.

Op is this your first child? Just imagine if you had to send your child off to your ex partners every other weekend. It must be so hard, i’m lucky to never have to. It must be so hard on the little girl seeing her dad start another family 😞

Mummy doesn't make me say please I'd presume she was playing them off against each other. Either way I'd respond with, "that must be because you use please/Thankyou at mummy's" or "we use them here Thankyou."

It's like she has a real inability to absorb any new information, can't remember to use manners, throws a tantrum almost daily this is pretty standard at her age.

(I have found tantrums are best managed by withdrawing attention for the duration BTW. Nothing gets a child’s attention more than having no attention).

Ageee with this. I used to say “ok when you’re calm and ready to speak nicely you come and find me” and then I left them to it. If they caused any damage to anything during their tantrum there would be a consequence but that would be addressed later, when they were calmed and open to talking.

Don’t make comparisons between you and her mum
If anyone has a conversation with the mum it should be her dad

Sadly sounds quite normal for a 6 year old!! As other posters have said she’s testing boundaries. Tbh if she’s fine 90% of the time that sounds quite good.
My 6 yr old daughter drives me demented some days and her behaviour is very normal and very like her friends. In the holidays their behaviour is more erratic as well as they are out of routine. It’s also quite a few years until she’ll be able to influence your child’s behaviour. Try not to worry.

Be the grown up here OP.
She's 6 and possibly not entirely happy with how her world is.

I think you have to reinforce Dad's house Dad's rules. Doesn't matter what you do at your mum's house, in this house we x, y z etc.

My DS has autism and his behaviour has been, well extreme would be the best word, at times. I am a lone parent and have a younger dd. She has never copied any of her brother's behaviour.

She has occasionally pushed at the boundaries like any other child. But I have found that it is usually caused by worries about school or some such. She is a really well behaved and kind child which is a miracle considering what she has lived with.

So I would say that it isn't a foregone conclusion that one child will copy another, but I think you need to be careful of falling into a golden child trap as this is not going to help your SD in the long run. I would suspect that her current behaviour stems from anxiety and she is wondering whether she will be loved the same after the baby comes.

My ex has recently had another child. My dd has a brilliant relationship with him and her step mum but she still cried for three hours when she found out the baby was on the way and was upset about it for some time after. She didn't tell her dad she was upset but she had a lot of mixed feelings about a new sibling. Now the baby's here she adores it. But don't underestimate the emotions a new half sibling can bring.

She's 6. Her father has left her mother for another woman (however it happened) and is having a baby with the latter. Have you thought of suggesting counselling for her to help her cope?

^^this. When children behave like this consistently (and all kids behave like this sometimes) but when it’s extreme it’s often because they are trying to communicate that something isn’t right in their world and they don’t know how to express it or ask for help.

It also sounds like ‘forcing’ her to say please and thank you has become a battle and she possibly feels pressured and has become stubborn about it.
With that one, I wouldn’t make her say her. Just keep modelling it, so as long as you say please and thank you to her, each other, in shops, etc she will pick up that this is how you communicate with people and will probably start using it naturally of her own accord.

I would just praise her for asking nicely and just ignore it otherwise. So if she asks politely for a drink, even if doesn’t say please but uses a polite voice, say ‘yes of course, thank you for asking for asking nicely’. Or if you give her a toy/treat/whatever and she seems happy with it and is being polite but doesn’t actually say thank you, still praise her ‘I’m pleased you like it, that’s a lovely reaction’.

Is there any possibility of Special Needs, OP? If the inability to take in new information affects her to a considerable degree, then this needs to be considered and ruled out, before an assumption is made that the child is just inherently awful.

All kids have tantrums but most behaviour is communicating a need of some sort, and if these tantrums are extreme and she's not responding to consistent and firm discipline then maybe SN is something to look into.

She sounds like she's struggling with life, and probably especially with her daddy having a second child. It's also probably far less easy for you to love her now she's 6 and boundary pushing and you have your own baby on the way than it was when she was 3, cuter and you were trying to make her like you, so to an extent she probably feels pushed away by both of you.

Her behaviour sounds totally normal for a child from a split family. They often act up because they can't express how they feel.

It also sounds like your DP is obsessed with manners. My DC had this problem with their father and his partner. DC were perfectly polite at all times, praised on their behaviour by waiting staff when out with me, yet came home from visits saying that they were picked on for every little thing. Often they were nervous and would then forget things, or be afraid to speak up and say thanks or please.

They helped themselves to some juice/yogurt from the fridge and were really told off. I had to explain that just because they could help themselves at home, didn't mean they could there if he had different rules.

It can be very hard for children to deal with different rules in different houses and of course they resent it because if the family were together it wouldn't be happening.

I often used to say "wait til she has her own DC then she will understand" when DC came home saying the things that the new partner had said to them.

If you don't have DC then you won't understand until you do. My DC wants to see her father, but also says that she is afraid to move/speak/touch anything whilst there. Don't do that to your SD.

Your DP is just as responsible as his XW for the child's behaviour, so don't make it all her fault.

Honestly, with a 6yo, 10% bad behaviour is good going! I think it’s pretty unlikely her mum doesn’t tell her to say please and thank you - doesn’t your DH know whether it’s likely to be true or not? She’s probably just cottoned on to that as a plausible excuse for anything she doesn’t want to do.

As for lies, well, DD will always say it was 4 yo DS who did anything/broke something/scribbled on something. Then if we work out that it was her (or if it’s obvious, like the time she wrote her name on the windowsill - DS can’t write yet so that was a no-brainer), she gets told off for lying. It’s really common for kids to tell fibs when they think they’re in trouble.

Humour can often work wonders in situations like this and can also help build a bond.

So "I want a drink" can be responded with "and I want to be the queen". After a few attempts she will likely correct to "please can I have" or "can I have x please" and the times she forgets don't become a battle.

But yes, the behaviour of siblings can rub off on each other for all sorts of reasons - those that live together FT or for portions of the week.

For example, I was a extremely biddable and passive child and my sister was like a stereotypical cartoon of a middle child . Her behaviour didn't make me naughty like her, but it made me have meltdowns of my own as I was always expected to take the back foot because I could and would.

You'll be fine. You'll raise your kid your way and s/he won't be like that.

Your DSD doesn't live with you full time and she's so much older than your child, it'll be a very long time before her behaviour begins to register with your child and I don't think it's something you need to worry about. Just go on being kind and loving with your DSD and encouraging all her better habits.

I have a nephew who is 18 months older than my eldest and is a bit like your DSD (only child, bit spoilt, bit bratty but a lovely kid at heart) and I used to worry his behaviour would rub off on mine as they're close in age and spend a lot of time together. But it hasn't. I just treat him the same as mine when he's with us, and my kids understand (but don't judge) that some stuff is done differently at their cousin's house than it is in ours, but it's just how it is and it's not a problem for anyone.

She really doesn't sound that unusual tbh b

If you have real concerns about her behaviour, how the new family situation is affecting her, it might be worth speaking to her School and asking if there is any support. Our school has a counsellor who comes in regularly.

But I agree with the PP who say it’s pretty normal. I think she needs help to understand her new world. Set your boundaries, they are important. But be gentle with her. It can’t be easy.

This is one of those things you're going to look back at when you have DC of your own and wonder how you could have been so naive. It's not wrong to feel this way now, but but the standards you're expecting of a six year old, who's dealing with a traumatic emotional situation are unreasonable.

Maybe she just didn’t like you or you don’t have the skill set to be a step mother and following on from that should have thought that through before marrying and having a child with someone

So in conclusion you are being unreasonable and naive.