To want to have it out or I’ll go mad!

[MrsMaker88]

For as long as I can remember my parents have criticised and belittled me. They have praised me, very very very rarely. They’ve helped me in practical ways and have generally been ok, they haven’t abused me. They are kind grandparents.

I never leave their company feeling good about myself. If I make the mistake of confiding in my mother I regret it.

For example I told her I was worried about savings. Instead of saying ‘you’re doing well, you bought yourself a house! You don’t have debt.. It was a struggle when our kids were young too...’ She said ‘it’s your champagne lifestyle has caught up with you’. (My husband works in an industry where we get given freebies like champagne sometimes).

I told her I’d love to have my own business. Instead of asking to understand more, she then took me to dinner for my birthday and it started out lovely. Until she randomly started listing reasons running a business is a bad idea, and comparing cousins who do it very well. It was not a birthday meal it was a bloody intervention!

My mum was away and I suggested hubby take dad out. DH was excitited. He then found dad had invited a friend of his and DH struggled to take part in the convo. Dad said ‘I should have got them to talk about wines togeeher’

Then today I was ordering food for my dads birthday party. I asked him if he wanted cheese after dinner (as he’d mentioned it before). He said ‘no I don’t think it’s the right crowd for that haha’.

All these things could easily have a positive explanation I guess or could be shrugged off if they weren’t people I cared about. But I’m thoroughly bloody fed up of negative interactions and feeling that they have pigeon holed me and DH into some strange role of ‘poncy idiots’ and haven’t actually tried to just talk to us or find out anything about us. If I try to have a conversation with my dad it’s one word answers, mum just moans mostly (but expects me to be positive). My siblings don’t chat to my mum much, I’m probably the only one who still tries to have that type of relationship. They all seem to be more secure about their relationships with my dad so don’t have the same concerns there.

AIBU to want to scream?!?!?!?!

I think you overshare with your parents. Stop telling them everything then they can’t comment back. I learnt this with my parents. I tell them fuck all whilst remaining friendly so I don’t get shit back from them.

You want validation, and you’re not going to get it.

For example I told her I was worried about savings. Instead of saying ‘you’re doing well, you bought yourself a house! You don’t have debt

You were expecting a certain response. That’s the quickest way to disappointment.

You don’t need to have it out with them. Just get rid of all expectations, and see what happens. If you want to, that is.

I think you're looking for things (approval, validation) that your parents will never give you. You need to let it go.

I'm not sure I understand the issue with the cheese or your dad inviting a friend to go out with your DH and him. As for the business thing, it's not easy, but the negativity isn't nice either, easy way to get away from that don't look for your mother's approval you don't need it. As for the comment about your savings, again you're looking for praise from a parent you're an adult I'm not sure why you would be talking to her about your lack of savings and expect her to say oh but you've done so well? It's all a bit odd.

People are as they are - my parents never praised me - nor indeed saif they loved me! But I just had to take them as they were.

Stop having expectations would be my advice - that is simply who they are. I am sure they did their best as parents.We are all hopeless at some things.

said!

I don’t see my friends much at the moment and I find it hard to talk to DH so I probably do accidentally over share with mum!

I didn’t have an expectation as such, it’s more what I would think would be a decent response but my mum is never going to be the type for emotional support to be fair. Surely peoples words do show you what they think of you though?

I think my parents were as they were because of their upbringing. I could have wished them otherwise, but that is not how life works.

Sink your emotions into your own family and keep the parents on the periphery a bit.

Find someone else to chat to and overload to I think. My parents are nice enough but we have absolutely zero in common and talking about plans for the future and money and whatever just amplifies the differences in opinion we have on almost everything. Stick to non contentious subjects.
I’m sorry they’re not more supportive but they’re unlikely to change and you need to stop seeking their approval if it’s just going to leave you upset and frustrated.

i think it's a courtroom saying...."Never ask a question you don't know the answer to"

I find this is an ideal way to deal with my mother. Expect nothing, and volunteer nothing and we all rub along very nicely.

We had a big bust up a while back when a sibling was unwell, somehow it all ended up about my mother (who'd have thought??) and I have really stepped back after having to exchange quite a few harsh words. She hasn't even the sense to realise cause and effect, other than to moan that "we are all so busy" when we speak infrequently.

You are just heading for much much more disappointment if you are seeking validation from people like this.

I didn’t have an expectation as such, it’s more what I would think would be a decent response

That IS an expectation.

I don’t really get the issue with the cheese, or the comment about talking to his friend about wine. If your DH is interested in good wine then it’s not an offensive thing to say is it? And the cheese thing he was just acknowledging that his friends allay be wouldn’t appreciate it?
I can understand why you were disappointed in the responses re savings and the business, but you can’t expect people to respond in the exact way you want them to.

I probably could shrug a lot of this stuff off. We are having a generally stressful time right now and I’m totally knackered.

I’m not seeking approval, I’m just having a conversation with someone, I’ve just chosen the wrong person I think as I’m not always good at discussing opinions with them, whereas normally I don’t have a problem with anyone else!

She is never going to be the mum you want her to be. Have you mourned that yet? Are you kind to yourself? Or do you hear their voices in your head? You CAN get to a point where you can go around them without feeling deflated afterwards but it might tale a great deal of personal work. Insult for insult has been a method that works for me - if they insult you, insult them back. It sounds childish but it has worked for me and my mum is very careful about what she says around me now because she knows she'll get it back!

All good advice thank you. I really need all of u as coffee buddies and I would not let stuff get out of proportion hahaha. Seriously tho, I do need to catch up with some friends and have a good laugh, it would prob resolve most things.

Namechangednow.. I think knowing I can be a different mum to my kids will help me. My daughter confides in me loads :-) not sure if that could help you too

My mother used to be very critical of me.

When I was pregnant with my first child I decided I'd had enough, and suggested that if she had something negative to say, she should keep it to herself. I explained that if she didn't stop with the negative comments, I would avoid spending time with her.

She actually listened and the negative comments reduced dramatically. Although our relationship isn't perfect, it has significantly improved.

That was 19 years ago, and she has kept to it.

That’s great TheThird. My mum is good with constructive feedback in regards to the kids. I asked her to quit comparing them all and she has.

Get yourself over to the Stately Homes thread in Relationships.

The scales will fall from your eyes

I can’t find it happypoobum!

Yes I have this sort of relationship with mine and its getting worse as they get older. If one thing is coming right for me they pick up on something else = saving for DD to go to Uni, pension, car, house repairs etc stuff that stopped talking to them - they have no idea of the cashflow situation with own smallish consultancy. They often dump expenses on us - e.g. buying DD something then saying oh can you transfer the money argh.

You need to pull back and find more supportive folk to discuss things with.

It does sound like there is a bit of jealousy going on as well about the freebies etc

My mum has told me she envies that I can do what I want when I want. But does not see any of the hard work that goes into what I’ve achieved financially. She also forgets I was pretty lonely for years till I found a guy that is comfortable with me being so independent!!!

I probably do put them on a pedastool actually. That’s part of the problem as they are very much only human

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3123281-But-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-survivors-of-dysfunctional-and-toxic-families

Here you go - it's very busy on the relationships board at the moment so it had slipped down.