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AIBU?

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Original poster

To smash DD2's phone?

38 replies

TheLabradoodlesAunt · 12/08/2018 11:46

She is 17. She has spent almost the entire holiday in bed with her phone, has turned her nose up at food we have prepared (nothing unusual), but goes out and stocks up on junk when we go out. She has refused to go to museums, a waterpark, a spa, a day by the pool, shopping (kicked off when the mall didn't have the shops she wanted and went home). Nothing pleases her. We went to another mall yesterday, which was "a bit better" in that she bought some clothes, which made her a bit happier.

I have offered to take her to a small art museum this afternoon, which I know she will enjoy (she's an art student) if she leaves the house, but all I get is "meh" and she pulls the covers over her head in bed. I have said I will go back to the waterpark with her on Tuesday if she would like to go (DD1 and I came back raving about it, and I think she regretted not going), but "meh" again.

She was also supposed to do some homework this holiday - nothing too onerous, watching some films for French and Film Studies, visiting some art museums for Art, and has refused to do anything. She wants to drop out of school, everything is boring and no point. I want to shake her. She has friends in the US, and spends most of the night talking to them on Skype (hence the lack of energy for the day).

It is like having a giant toddler with the tantrums. Part of me wants to say, go right ahead and fuck up your A levels then, but I think she would do this and never leave her bedroom again. Is she depressed? Possibly. She has been under CAMHS for anxiety, but this has got a lot better. This is not the only holiday she has had this year, she has also had a week in Berlin with friends, two weeks in the US with friends, and this is supposed to be family time. She was asked if she wanted to bring a friend, but didn't.

OP posts:
9amTrain · 12/08/2018 11:50

I think I'd be making sure she's actually ok before resorting to wanting to smash her phone... She does sound incredibly depressed, not just "possibly".

Original poster
TheLabradoodlesAunt · 12/08/2018 11:52

What would you suggest?

OP posts:
Original poster
TheLabradoodlesAunt · 12/08/2018 11:53

That's a serious ask. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Poppins2016 · 12/08/2018 11:54

^ I'm in agreement with @9amTrain.

Your DD sounds very depressed and sounds as though she needs some (more) help. Is she still under the care of CAMHS?

GoingToInfinity · 12/08/2018 11:54

This sounds like it could be depression to me. Was she like this before the holidays?
Have you tried speaking to her about how she's feeling, and have you expressed your concerns to her?

Spaghettijumper · 12/08/2018 11:55

Have you asked her what's wrong?

FASH84 · 12/08/2018 11:55

Talk to her, be honest not judgemental, tell her you're worried about her and her mental health and you want to support her however you can. Smashing her phone is not going to help. Does she have a boyfriend? Is she pining in that lovesick teen way? Is it more than that? Do you know who these friends are in the US are they just online or people she knew anyway?

PumpkinPie2016 · 12/08/2018 11:57

I also think she sounds depressed. How is she finding her A-levels? Some students find them incredibly hard. Does she have friends here that she can see?

You mention another daughter - could she chat to her sister and perhaps encourage her out or suggest a visit to the GP?

What are her plans after school? Does she want to go to uni? Some do open days etc in summer so that might be worth looking at as something to do? Is DD1 at uni? Again, can she talk to her about uni and planning for it etc?

I really would encourage her to see the GP though.

Poppins2016 · 12/08/2018 11:57

As frustrated as you are, try not to show it...

Talk to your DD (if she'll open up - don't force it). "I feel you might be struggling a bit... How're you doing today?"

Try and do things 'little and often'. Big days out might over face your DD, but just nipping round the corner for breakfast or spending an hour somewhere might seem more doable.

FASH84 · 12/08/2018 11:59

Also to give some perspective at seventeen I was much happier with friends than doing family stuff, even if it was days out etc. I got past that in a couple of years but at the moment her social life is her world, it is a bit worrying a lot of it seems to be online and she does sound depressed.

Mamansparkles · 12/08/2018 12:02

I'd definitely question what it is going on on her phone. She does sound depressed, and there's all sorts of things on her phone that could be fuelling that and making it worse (social media, toxic "perfect life" images, cyberbullying, gaming/tech addiction, boyfriend issues). Could you ask her what she's doing on her phone all this time? If she doesn't want to go out, suggest a film together to get her to the sofa? With phone if needs be... and def get in touch with CAMHS if she's still under them, GP if not.

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 12/08/2018 12:03

I suggest rather than trying to organise her day for her you allow her some freedom. If she already has anxiety then it's very likely she may also have depression, they tend to go hand in hand. Take the pressure off her, she may well be lying in bed worrying about ruining the holiday so much that she can't see a way to do anything other than stay in bed.

Is she still under CAMHS? Could you have a conversation with her and suggest she contact her counsellor (I assume you are away somewhere and not at home just now) and arrange to see them when she gets home.

Are there other children? Can you/your Oh take them out for the day and one of you stay with your DD in case she feels it easier to chat with fewer people around. Or if she is the only one just have a "lazy day" without day trips. Relax, potter about and see what happens.

Fang2468 · 12/08/2018 12:05

Has she got friends locally she could hang out with? A day out with the parents wouldn’t seem tempting to me as a 17 year old I’m afraid.

Slartybartfast · 12/08/2018 12:09

i am not convinced on the depression
can she go out and about on her own? with her own age? with just you? with a grandparent.
put in charge of something grown up?

Original poster
TheLabradoodlesAunt · 12/08/2018 12:09

Thank you. She had a few sessions of CBT with CAMHS (for anxiety) but the woman said she couldn't help her, so that came to an end, and there has been no follow up. Her GP thinks she is depressed but can't prescribe anything because she is under 18. She has had phone counselling with CAMHS, which ended - she couldn't do one session and told them and they didn't bother calling back again. She had no way of contacting them. Told the GP, and he said he would see what he could do, and we are still waiting.

She would find her A levels easier if she turned up to classes, did some homework and put in some effort. I get that this is difficult for her, and her teachers have been very patient with her, but her report was terrible. I don't know how to get her into the right place to move forward with this.

Her anxiety has been much better of late. She was fine in the US (old schoolfriend, not some internet random) and in Berlin. She was fine when she arrived here, although this went downhill rapidly. She won't talk to her sister (who has now left as she has to get back to work).

OP posts:
Iknowwhoyouare123 · 12/08/2018 12:10

I found being on holiday with my parents excruciating at 17. Even if there were activities I would enjoy, I wanted to enjoy them with my friends and/or boyfriend. It made me cringe doing them with my family.

AlecTrevelyan006 · 12/08/2018 12:11

It’s good to experience a bit of boredom sometimes

When I was 17 I’d rather have been bored than have my parents trying to organise my life

Smashing her phone would be counterproductive - just let her know you’re there if she needs you so both of you can just chill out

Fairenuff · 12/08/2018 12:11

Sounds like lots of 17 year olds I know tbh. Especially is she is up most of the night. Who pays for the phone?

flametrees · 12/08/2018 12:13

Do you think she is looking for attention from you? Does she hope that you will cajole her into coming with you? Maybe she wants you to really want her to be there. I know when I'm feeling negative about myself I really need to feel that I'm wanted. I think people would rather I wasn't there.

I'd keep asking her to come places. Tell her it will be much nicer for you all if she is there.

Try to make her feel positive about life.
HTH

Gatehouse77 · 12/08/2018 12:18

I'm sorry but it's bollox that she 'can't' be prescribed anything for being under 18. Our DS was put on anti-depressants when he was 17 - a joint discussion with us, him and the psychologist. The GP agreed and he has continued with them. Although the first lot were a complete disaster it was sorted out promptly by the GP.

Is there any chance of accessing private counselling?

Have you been able to see what support there is for you as a parent and if there is any advice they suggest?
This might be worth a look...

www.cwmt.org.uk/

happypoobum · 12/08/2018 12:23
  1. Do not smash up her phone. She will think you are crazy.

It is like having a giant toddler with the tantrums Yes - that is how a lot of teenagers behave. You have to treat them like annoying lodgers.

I would leave her be for the rest of the holiday, just talk to her normally but act like her behaviour doesn't really bother you.

The fact she has a history of depression is a concern though, but it sounds like you have this in hand, and can follow up when you are home again?

Laughteronthewing · 12/08/2018 12:32

Is she missing her friends from the US? Have you recently moved here?

Don’t smash the phone, that’s not really the problem imo. Could you get her some face to face counselling instead? Phone CBT is great but you have to be in the right frame of mind for it to work I think.

chocatoo · 12/08/2018 12:33

Are you at home or away? How does she afford to buy snacks and things? Healthy eating would be a good starting point so don’t enable her to buy rubbish. I feel sorry for you and her sister, she sounds hard going at the moment.
Unfortunately you can’t do it for her, she needs to work it out for herself. All you can do is let her know that you are there when she needs you.

crimsonlake · 12/08/2018 12:35

Agree that trying to plan days out with a 17 yr old probably does not sit ell with her. Why do you feel the need to organise her day? I get the frustration with her staying in her room all the time, but maybe that is what she needs right now. Lots of young people are more interested in their friends than family time. I understand where you are coming from as I have a son in his early twenties home from uni and when he is not doing his holiday job spends most of the time asleep in his room, gaming and on his phone etc, although we do spend some time together watching movies. I find it quite frustrating and unsettling at times that this is all he seems to do, however I try to best to not let it show it bothers me and get on with my day.

Anxious2niteaaah · 12/08/2018 12:43

First of all at 17 she is not a child, you don't need to plan out her days or arrange outings, she is an adult and can decide how she wants to spend her day

Also if she is a student maybe she is making the most of her summer holidays by resting as when the college/university starts back she will be busy and have stresses and deadlines and other things to do with her course she is studying,

Thirdly she may not like the foods you cook, I went through my whole childhood and teenage years "barely eating" according to my mother, she used to accuse me of being a fussy eater, difficult, say I had eating disorders (I didn't and never had...)...and as soon as I was an adult and could choose foods that I want to eat and foods that I enjoy it made a huge difference to me as I could look forward to mealtimes ...don't assume just because the rest of the family enjoy the food that she does too,

Also if you are getting nowhere talking to her, is she close to her dad or an aunt or a grandmother or a cousin etc who could pop in her room and have a cup of coffee and chat with her to see if she is depressed or worried about anything,

Could someone be bullying her online? (Does she have social media accounts that someone could be trolling and leaving bad messages)

Does she have a boyfriend and they have split up?

Could she be pregnant and be scared of how to tell you?

Could she be failing at college and not sure of how to tell.you?