To smash DD2's phone?

[TheLabradoodlesAunt]

She is 17. She has spent almost the entire holiday in bed with her phone, has turned her nose up at food we have prepared (nothing unusual), but goes out and stocks up on junk when we go out. She has refused to go to museums, a waterpark, a spa, a day by the pool, shopping (kicked off when the mall didn't have the shops she wanted and went home). Nothing pleases her. We went to another mall yesterday, which was "a bit better" in that she bought some clothes, which made her a bit happier.

I have offered to take her to a small art museum this afternoon, which I know she will enjoy (she's an art student) if she leaves the house, but all I get is "meh" and she pulls the covers over her head in bed. I have said I will go back to the waterpark with her on Tuesday if she would like to go (DD1 and I came back raving about it, and I think she regretted not going), but "meh" again.

She was also supposed to do some homework this holiday - nothing too onerous, watching some films for French and Film Studies, visiting some art museums for Art, and has refused to do anything. She wants to drop out of school, everything is boring and no point. I want to shake her. She has friends in the US, and spends most of the night talking to them on Skype (hence the lack of energy for the day).

It is like having a giant toddler with the tantrums. Part of me wants to say, go right ahead and fuck up your A levels then, but I think she would do this and never leave her bedroom again. Is she depressed? Possibly. She has been under CAMHS for anxiety, but this has got a lot better. This is not the only holiday she has had this year, she has also had a week in Berlin with friends, two weeks in the US with friends, and this is supposed to be family time. She was asked if she wanted to bring a friend, but didn't.

Having been through this with dd your dd sounds very vulnerable to me. CAMHS nowadays only responds to crises ime.

Your comments about refusal to go to the water park, go out with family to the beach possibly, ring alarm bells for me. Could she be self harming?

It is very hard op, hardeat when you are in the thick of it and I understand your sentiments about smashing the phone.

It sounds as though she needs clinical help. Can you access this privately?

Please just be there, be patient, have her favourite goods on hand, nice bubbles, calming colouring books. Perhaps tempt her out with things which don't require her to undress.

crimson is right. I wonder why you took her with you . Just let her alone. She'll grow out of it.

I Remember leaving our 2 teenage DDs in bed in our hotel when we took their young brother ski boarding up the most beautiful mountain in Slovenia. DD1 regrets missing it now!

GP thinks she is depressed but can't prescribe anything because she is under 18

GP can prescribe ADs if a psychiatrist recommends them. Try to persuade GP to refer her. If they won't / waiting list is long - can you afford to pay for at least one visit to a private psychiatrist.

Do NOT rely on CAMHS - they wouldn't even help my DD after an OD because it "wasn't serious enough". If you have the money, some therapists will see a 17yo.

I assume she has done one year of college, but would she feel less anxious if she could transfer to BTECs with no exams? My DD couldn't handle the pressure of exams at all but got great grades in BTECs.

I don't think OP was literally going to smash the phone - just expressing her exasperation.

Whilst I agree with pp that she's probably too old for organised family activities, I don't agree that she's an adult. I would be confiscating the phone at night for her physical and mental health.

I'd turf her out of bed by lunchtime and bin the snacks. She needs decent food and fresh air. id resist the temptation to label her as depressed until you're sure she's not just a tired, malnourished teen.

I say this as someone who's addicted to this fucking site and to sugar btw so I'm not being judgemental - honestly

It is now tricky for GPs to prescribe anti-depressants for U18s, as per the NHS website:
"The use of antidepressants isn't usually recommended in children and young people under the age of 18. This is because there's evidence that, in rare cases, they can trigger thoughts about suicide and acts of self-harm in this age group.
Concerns have also been raised that their use could affect the development of the brain in children and young people.
An exception can usually only be made if the following points are met:
• the person being treated has failed to respond to talking therapies such as cognitive behavioural therapy, and
• the person being treated will continue to receive talking therapies in combination with antidepressants, and
• the treatment is supervised by a psychiatrist (a doctor who specialises in treating mental health conditions)
If an antidepressant is recommended, then fluoxetine is usually the first choice."
However, if your daughter is almost 18 you might well be able to convince your GP that prescribing her anti-depressants is a reasonable step, given turning 18 doesn't magically mark a massive change (but is obviously a sensible point to choose, broadly speaking).

Definitely go back to your GP & ask for more help, particularly if this is a deterioration - & it sounds like it is from the way you're posting. Yes, she's 17 & almost an adult. You helping her with this isn't infantilising her, it's supporting her when she's not well & maybe isn't in a place where she can look after herself. I'd push your GP about CAMHS & where the specific referrals have been made to; then contact the relevant department within CAMHS & let them know you're happy to accept appointments at short notice (assuming you can).

Make use of the resources Mind can offer; & if you can afford private therapy, look into it.

Good Luck OP

No advice from me sorry but just empathy as my DD (17) sound similar and has been driving me mad over the summer.

She has self-diagnosed with anxiety and the GP has referred her to CAMHS though DD was keen for us to arrange private therapy ‘like her friends have’ . She has her first appointment mid September and I’m dreading getting her back to school for the second year of Sixth form as being asked to do any school work appears to be the biggest trigger of her anxiety. Wether she chooses to continue or not is entirely up to her.

She away last week and it was bliss!!

But what are paremts supposed to do imperfectpirouette when CAMHS access is blocked because the criteria is forever being raised and the child is becoming worse.

Surely it's cheaper in the longer term is young people have early interventions and before issues such as depression, anxiety and loss of self esteem are deeply embedded.

When will the cycle of CAMHS assesses and offers zilch, back to GP who can do nothing because young person doesn't meet CAMHS threshold for psych assessment end?

Also my dd's MH was a matter for her GP and her psychiatrist. It was not a matter for her school so why is CAMHS in some areas now only accepting referrals endorsed through schools?

I'd be happy to pay for a visit to a private psychiatrist - but where do I find one? Google? Trot down Harley Street? I really don't know where to start.

No boyfriend, not pregnant and not self harming. And not much difference between the tiny shorts and vest top she's wearing and a swimsuit, frankly. And she probably doesn't like the food I cook. Left to her own devices she'd be living on crisps, Coke, chicken nuggets and pizza.

SauvignonBlanche - I think they sound very similar...

CAMHS wrote to us TWO YEARS AGO saying that they would shortly be arranging a family session with us and DD. This never materialised - apparently there is a long waiting list. So why bother writing?

Your GP can refer you to a private psychiatrist OP or try looking on a site like this one www.psychiatry-uk.com/private-patients/ - you'll probably have to scroll through to find one that will see a 17-year-old. If you're in the South of England, feel free to PM me and I can tell you who we used

Why don't you just leave her be? I'd be really fucked off if someone tried to micromanage me like that.

She sounds deeply in depression and very unhappy. You’ll have to find a way of talking to her about it. The poor girl sounds desperate and hard for you too, but you have to be strong for her.