To want DH to enjoy parenting more than he dors

[Icantgetnosleep000]

Not sure if I can give an accurate picture in a single post

DH is a good man, very supportive in our previous relationship together (pre baby), though we were on a more equal footing then - both extremely independent of each other and enjoying the perks of a indulgent child free life when together

Now we have 9 mo old DS who is a joy but is causing massive sleep deprivation which isn't helping

In a nutshell, I feel that I give everything to DS and to new family life. I'm not being a martyr, I've chosen this, but I feel that I enjoy DS more than DH does. He loves him dearly, I know this, but he struggles with any kind of change and this is the biggest life change there is! He is also far less interested in things DS does. I enjoy watching him come along in every way, I enjoy the psychology of his developments. I enjoy planning his days, feeing him, watching him grow. DH, I feel, is more of a mildly reluctant baby sitter. That's a very harsh description and isn't true all of the time. But where, say, I would look forward to a family day out, he would pass DS off to a willing GP if they were around.

DH says he needs time to get used to the changes in our sleep deprived life, and that I'm creating an atmosphere he doesn't enjoy being in because of how short I am with him now. He feels like I'm constantly criticising, which I probably am. I feel like he doesn't want to be around us. Chicken and egg...?I feel like I'm giving all to family and I need him to be part of that, he's asking for me to give him some time and understanding. I have nothing left to give!! Is he being selfish? Am I being unreasonable?

I'm so upset at our interactions these days. What we had before our much longed for, much loved son was a very very carefree life. Now it's bickering and resentment (he goes out, I rarely do so atm but that's through tiredness and choice)

I find myself really not liking him some days which is shocking to me

This is a very complex situation. Honestly, if I asked DH to help me with something specific he would in an instant. As I saw before, he is a great man. I'm just struggling to have to understand his point of view when all I want to do is tell him to grow up. You can't make someone feel a certain way, no matter how much you want to, I know. He assures me he will slowly adjust to our new life but please tell me, has anyone else been in this situation? Is it really common for parenting to be so hard? I'm sure lack of sleep is the biggest contributor of all

Please be gently, I need support plead, no suggestions to LTB because he isn't one (and I won't)

Different people react in different ways to the different stages of childhood. I find babies unrewarding, and didn't really enjoy my children until I was able to hold a conversation with them. You clearly find a fascination with babyhood that I can't manage. Maybe your husband is more like me?

Try to cut him some slack. YANBU to want him to take a share in the housework and care of his child, but YABU to expect him to find the same interest as you do. And you need to find time for you and DH to be together and nurture your own relationship.

DS will be with you at least for the next 18 years and in your lives for possibly 60 years. Family dynamics will change enormously in that time - it seems impossible at the moment, but there may come a time when you see DS as, eg, a sulky teenager with few redeeming features, while your DH sees him as a young man full of ideas and independence.

We hit rock bottom in the first year of DS's life - we're still happily together, and DS is in his 30s. This is a difficult time for both of you, you need to recognise that, and devote some time to looking after each other.

Be really mindful of your criticism- ill bet part of you does it out of anxiety. I do this too, I don't mind to but I end accidentally telling DH everything he does isn't right when I'm stressed. It's horrible of me and it makes him feel awful. It's hard work but each time you speak think first "would I say it this way to a friend" - we just speak to friends with more kindness than we speak to our partners sometimes.

Also - let him pay for a cleaner! Neither of you need to be focusing on that stuff right now!

Ps. My DH falls more and more
In love with our DS every day. It's definitely grown with each month. DS is 20 months and the light of his dads life. Brings him complete joy. 9 month olds are a little less fun for some I'm afraid.

LTB

DH was similar. As DD got older, he improved - she's 5 now and I'd say he's a fully engaged Dad (although he still claims to be unable to pick an outfit for her to wear, and he lets her watch more tv than I do)

Points to be wary of:

1. Resentment is a relationship-killer. I don't know how to fix your resentment (I struggled with this too) but you need to find some way to communicate/change things/make your peace, or your relationship will not survive.

1. If your DH is struggling, he needs to spend more time with your child, not less. I certainly found with DD that when you're doing everything, you just get on with it. It's when you've had a break that you realise how hard it is. For Dads who dip in and out occasionally, it always feels hard because they don't get into their stride and adjust. And generally, the more you put in as a parent, the more you get out, and the easier it is. I tried to shield DH when he was struggling by doing everything to do with DD. In retrospect, I should have given him more responsibility and left him alone with DD more, then I think he would have started engaging sooner

I think you both ABU.
You can't bully him into something he isn't, but you haven't had time to adjust you just get on with it.
Him being able to go out and you not, isn't fair either.
You shouldn't have to tell him what to do, tell him to watch what you are doing when you are doing it and join in, or do another job.

Oh god, yes I've experienced all this and more - yes, it is a big change and yes it's hard but they just have to grow up. You can't be doing everything and allow him to become a bystander.

Get yourself out and leave him to cope - he will by the way.

I think your DH is telling you, he wants you less stressed, less tired and would like some time with his wife.
Your nagging him, try realising he just parents differently to you.

How often is he alone with the baby? Do you take over when you are both there?

I think all family dynamics are different.

My OH just didn't get all that baby stuff.
It just wasn't him.
He is a bit of a distant fish- his personality type, his upbringing, I was pretty much left to my own devices on the baby/toddler side of things.

Oh worked hard so I could be a SAHM, he did pretty much all the cooking and shopping when he had time, I didn't lift a finger at weekends, he would not expect a meal when he came in from work, he devoted all his spare time to household tasks and supporting me, but really didn't do the hands on stuff.
He changed our son's nappy only a handful of times, and our DDs never.
But that's OK, when our kids were baking or making pizza on a weekend for fun he would happily go to the supermarket for the third time that day for a forgotten ingredient, or pass me a cup of tea, or a glass of wine mid project.

Maybe a little scared of being very hands on- who knows.
But it worked for us, we are happy, kids happy.

Sorry I'm with your dh on this one. The two things that leap out at me are firstly the age thing. I am much better with small children once they can talk and don't really find babies very interesting. Secondly I have a tendency to be insistent that my way is the only right way and I am conscious that I dress that up as me having high standards and dh somehow having lower standards just because he does things differently. In actual fact there are surprisingly few tasks in the average household that must only ever be completed in the fashion prescribed by one person. Dh eventually sat me down and pointed out that housework was q shared responsibility, that we were partners not boss and slave and would I therefore extend him the courtesy of not interfering with his methods in the same way that he didn't interfere with mine.

This is sounds pretty normal to be honest. Amongst my friends we have often found men to be much more involved parents when the babies become toddlers. The babies seem more interested in their dads then too tbh. The first year is much more about Mum and baby. Just relax about it, it'll work itself out in time.

Without knowing how many hours he works and how full-on his working life is, it's difficult to comment on whether he should be contributing more practically.

As for his engagement, it sounds like he just is somebody who will feel more involved as time goes on - not everyone, male or female, find baby stuff riveting.

You are fully immersed - and that is great - but you probably need to allow yourself more adult time. In most societies, there is also an awareness that it takes more than 2 people to raise a child. Our nuclear families are quite unnatural, really and can put tremendous strain on the two individuals. Consider a bit more GP time?

If I was you I'd get lots of parenting Brownie points now while you are enjoying the baby stage! You will soon have a toddler, you will no longer be able to tidy up around him (probably) and you will be back at work. I'd save the nagging for next year

In terms of the sleepless nights- I would say you can catch up during the day but he can't if he's at work.

What does he do at the weekend if not spending time with you and DS?

I think generally (without wanting to stereotype) enjoy their kids when they get a bit older and a bit more interactive and can speak etc.

What about speaking to him about perhaps taking the baby swimming by himself once a week so you can do something for yourself?

So he is a Dad and gets to be a Dad in his own way. It is good and healthy for dc to be parented differently by each parent. So in the nicest way, get off his case about doing things the way that you think or want them to be done. If the dc is fed and napped and content then all is good.

He is also not a mind reader. If there are jobs that need doing, write a family list together . He might add some stuff, you will too, prioritise the list together and set out who will do what and by when.

Don't let the little stuff get on top of you so much that you forget the good stuff, so go out on a date night once a week or so. Remember who you are as a person and not just a Mum, and then connect to your spouse as an adult

I could have written this.

DP will have DS for me while I cook dinner as though doing me a favour!

I agree with some other posters that this is very common and very likely to improve as your ds gets a bit older and can interact more with his dad.
I think you need to be wary of doing nothing but criticise- you are both figuring out parenting but you have a great deal more time- unwatched- to figure it out.
If I were you I would try being a lot more complimentary when your dh does interact well and frame requests in terms of how he can help you instead of what he should be doing but isn’t.

I don’t think this is a male v female thing.

I think it’s a Work out of the house vs stay at home thing.

I work full time, DH is SAHD. He often chides me for not wanting to ‘do stuff‘on a weekend I’ve had to explain several times, I’m burnt out after a week of work and commuting and actually just want to sit in the damn house I’ve worked all week to pay for.

He also works on the principle that childcare is a job, so he thinks he has to be on call to entertain, etc whereas I am less structured and think a bit of downtime and making their own entertainment is no bad thing.

He thinks I’m idle, I think he does too much. I enjoy the company of our kids, but parenting is tough and we all have different ideas of how to go about it. We’ve accepted that we are both right, and a balance of styles is actually a good thing.

I think you're just feeling how a lot of other mums do, to be honest. Few men are natural fathers; they are simply mythical creatures that occasionally appear on threads here. The majority of threads though are from tired, downtrodden and exhausted women carrying the complete mental load.

Your only chance is to stand up for yourself early on, and say " this isn't enough for me. We are both new to this, both learning, both tired and both trying to figure out how to be a parent. But this isn't my load to carry alone and I won't carry on as we have been". And mean it. Give them time together and don't sweat the small stuff. No one is going to do things the way that you will, and as long as no one is in physical danger, sometimes you have to take a deep breath and count to ten. He's behaving like this because you're enabling it, remember.

It does get easier, but you will end up really resenting him if this carries on. Nip it in the bud early on .

Thank you mum's of mumsnet for your stared experiences and wise words. I have things to think about now and honestly feel loads better already x

Mums not mum's!

DH helping out more/better attitude

Vs

Getting a cleaner

THEY ARE NOT OPPOSITES.

Sorry to shout, not shouting at you OP!

Get a cleaner AND get DH to change his attitude for the better.

Also, sounds like you need to relax and lower your house cleaning/cooking standards a bit. You will regret spending time and energy on these things when baby is 18 months old and still not sleeping through (from experience!).

Hang on in there. This phase puts more pressure on a relationship than it will ever have faced before. But it will come to an end eventually. The goal is to make it through without having ended up so deeply resentful of each other you end up both being miserable or divorced.

I'll be honest with you. I felt like you did when my eldest was born about my DH. I was so upset one night I went off to my parents and my dad had a good old heart to heart with me. He gave me the best advice I have ever actually had about parenting and our relationship.

Basically, neither is right or wrong. You are simply both different in how you feel about parenting and you can't make one person do things exactly how you would do them. Just because he doesn't do what you would do, doesn't mean he doesn't care. Or that you care more.

Having been in your position, I do think DH has a point. Let someone else look after your LO for a while so you can have some fun and time to yourself. Also so you can get some time alone just the two of you.

As other PP have said, do not lose sight of who you are or your relationship with your OH. Yes, your priorities have changed, but there can still be room for everything else too if you allow it.

Get the cleaner. You will be amazed at the difference that makes. And get out and leave DH to it more often.

I could have written your post 12 months ago. Having a child was the greatest stress on our relationship. Sleep deprivation nearly killed us both and destroyed our relationship. I cringe when I remember telling DH he needed to engage with the baby more and getting annoyed when he was playing on his phone and not constantly entertaining a small baby when really babies are easily entertained playing with a little toy or banging a spoon on a pan.

My best advice would be to back off a little, I know that's hard, but let him find his own way a bit. DH started to take DD out on his own for a couple of hours to the park at the weekend, I hated it and had anxiety about being apart from her but reminded myself he was also her parent and perfectly capable. It's difficult when you're at home and the main caregiver you have routines and a more instinctive connection with DC but let him build a relationship without hovering over them. I was also a bit obsessed looking back, I know most parents are with PFB but he wasn't as interested as I was about how many bowel movements she'd had or how much lunch she'd thrown on the floor that day

My DD is nearly 2 and they have a wonderful relationship now, it got much easier for everyone when sleep improved and she started talking. She's a fun little character.

If he's otherwise a good partner and father just be kind to each other, it's fucking tough learning to have another person in your life. But don't be a martyr either, get him to help with cleaning and cooking when he's not at work and take it in turns to get up early with the baby.