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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think having to live in house shares is a factor in mental health issues?

76 replies

SardineHousing · 11/08/2018 12:20

Most people do it during their twenties but want to have private space as you get older. Shit wages not keeping up with rent or not being able to go full time for poor health mean there are lots of people sharing going into their 40's and 50's these days.

I'm only in my 30's but find shared living very hard. I have anxiety and manage very well but is a constant challenge and it struck me how unhealthy it is to be cramped in with virtual strangers with no realistic possibility of being able to set up on my own.

My other half is staying for a few days and we're either in my bed, or sitting on two hard chairs in my room if we're at home. There's no sitting room or kitchen table in the small kitchen. There's no room for an armchair or sofa in my room. My room isn't small but two wardrobes of clothes, desk and two chests of drawers just mean there's no extra space. My whole adult life has to fit in here.

Luckily I really like my home in other ways! It's warm and nice and the most affordable I can get. Mostly happy in it but it seems such a stressful and unnatural way to live as an adult. I'm sure if you were in a very shaky spot with mental health it could really be quite damaging to have to house share for years with people you don't know, moving in and out.

It's ok saying just move in with friends, but I don't have any friends in a similar situation anymore. Several have gone back to the family home, which I can't do. The rest are married with kids now.

AIBU to think it's not great for adults to live like this long term? Just a moany observation really!

OP posts:
Argeles · 11/08/2018 13:33

I completely agree with you op.

I know that I couldn’t have coped with a flat/house share. I was fortunate to be able to go to uni close to my family home and live at home, then move in with my DH into a rented flat when we married.

A lot of people’s not have those options, and I always worry about how severely it must affect some people.

Argeles · 11/08/2018 13:33

People do not

happypoobum · 11/08/2018 13:34

How much is your rent OP and where are you?

DD lives in a houseshare in a very nice part of London with two other girls. Three double bedrooms, huge lounge/diner, kitchen, one main bathroom and one en suite, balcony. They pay £665 a month each.

glintandglide · 11/08/2018 13:37

Housing associations aren’t the same as councils. They don’t always have long waiting lists, particularly for certain types of property.

MingeUterusMingeMingeYoni · 11/08/2018 13:44

I completely understand your siblings wanting to stay where their support networks and work are parklives, but there are multicultural areas of pretty much every large city outside London that are cheaper and where biracial people wouldn't be remotely commentworthy. I can't comment on Brighton but the likes of Manchester and Birmingham certainly contain such districts.

BertieBotts · 11/08/2018 13:45

I think the problem is that when you have one issue like this is all starts to feed into each other and perpetuate the cycle. And it's lack of choice which is depressing, not the house share per se. If you know that a house share is a choice in order to save money then it's bearable. If it's the only way you can keep a roof over your head with no sign of a way out, not a year, not in 5 years, not in 20, that's depressing because it feels like a trap.

But yeah if your mental health is poor and this affects how much you can work that brings down your income which reduces your choices in terms of housing which keeps you depressed.

Or if your earning power is low then this restricts your choice and sometimes makes it impossible to save/train at the same time which makes you depressed.

Or if your living situation is crap this can make it hard to find a job which can contribute to poverty and low self esteem and poor mental health.

It can start with one factor out of the three and spiral into a cycle you can't get out of.

YogiBear13 · 11/08/2018 13:53

I think it depends. I lived in a really nice house share. There was a big living room, kitchen, and a lovely garden and I became good friends with the other people who lived there. I think they're particularly good if you move somewhere new for work, which I why I lived in one after uni, as you can meet people.

But I agree, some aren't great, and I think any where there isn't much communal space are probably the worst because you don't get enough opportunity to get to know your housemates and you have to hang out in your room. Also I was very lucky to live with nice people, and anytime anyone moved out there was always a bit of a worry about who would move in and whether they'd be a nightmare to live with!

9amTrain · 11/08/2018 13:56

I agree. I'm in one and in a bad way mentally because of it.

Iwantaunicorn · 11/08/2018 14:13

I think that mh can seriously be affected by house sharing, if you’re with the wrong people. I have friends who’ve done it for years and loved it, in my very early 20’s I shared with someone and it was pure HELL. I used to cry some days because I had to go home, and would actively do anything to avoid being there. They’d have house parties when I’d go away, and the thing that seriously pushed me over the edge was when some bastards had sex in my bed, and trashed my belongings. The day that fucknut moved out was fantastic, even though I was left with about a grands worth of unpaid bills and rent. I would never share with anyone again unless I absolutely bloody had to.

YANBU.

Original poster
SardineHousing · 11/08/2018 14:18

I lived in a great one in my 20's and made one of my best friends. We were lucky to live there for quite a few years too, no having to up and move every year.

My room is actually nice. Very homely and comfy in many ways. I think I've been quite clever with the space.

Can't get rid of one wardrobe to make space, I have a work wardrobe and winter coats, a few evening dresses and clothes for a hobby. They're two normal size double wardrobes, I don't think I have a crazy amount of clothing. Just a fairly normal range for a normal enough life with varying dressing needs!

OP posts:
DioneTheDiabolist · 11/08/2018 14:40

YANBU OP. My friend's marriage ended last year and she has been renting a room in a HMO ever since. It has had a definite negative impact on her mental health. She went from having a large home where she regularly had guests to living in one room. She could apply for social housing, but she hasn't got a chance.

She is house hunting at the minute. There is little on the market and it is overpriced. More and more landlords here are moving over to AirBNB so housing stock is decreasing. She is "lucky" in that she has a deposit, and still she is finding it difficult.Sad

junebirthdaygirl · 11/08/2018 15:59

I think its very difficult if you need to keep all your belongings in one room. When l lived in a houseshare l kept my winter wardrobe at home in my parents house and swapped over. Also could go there at the weekends if had no other plans and enjoy the space.
Your situation sounds tough.

trojanpony · 11/08/2018 16:12

It’s difficult but I think having the right housemates makes a huge difference

Potterurotter · 11/08/2018 16:21

Yep I would say houseshares can have an extremely negative impact on mental health. I have moved a lot in London and one houseshare resulted in me having a breakdown due to stress, loud noise, partying throughout the night disturbed sleep and taking over entire shared areas. Nightmare

BestZebbie · 11/08/2018 18:12

I think you are right but I don't think it is stressful only for people over 30 - it only takes a couple of years out of a parent's house for the novelty of "living out" to wear off, after which people need a serious home with proper facilities, and a wendy house style set up no longer cuts it.

megletthesecond · 11/08/2018 18:17

Yanbu. An old colleague was in her 50's and living in a shared house. She really struggled with it, I don't blame her. Lots of noise and disruption.

TedAndLola · 11/08/2018 18:19

Agreed. Sharing was terrible for my mental health.

Original poster
SardineHousing · 11/08/2018 18:30

So agree with the comment about it being tough to keep all your stuff in 1 room.

This especially gets to me about kitchen stuff. In my cupboard area of the kitchen, there's room for my food and couple of large items like frying pan and two saucepans, that's it. I have to carry everything else up and down the stairs to my room.

It's fine and I know it's a first world problem really. But the other comment about it being a wendy house setup is spot on!

OP posts:
Original poster
SardineHousing · 11/08/2018 18:34

Having the right house mates can make or break it I agree but the thing is you ultimately have no control over it in HMO situations.

I've been very lucky and mostly had nice house mates, but life happens and things change and we all move on. Had a couple of pretty bad ones too! Then I'd just end up moving.

Also, it's always a gamble when you move in with someone. You never know what they will be like to live with, no matter how nice they are or how well recommended they come from a mutual friend or whoever. You just don't know until you're flung into it together and then it's too late, contracts are signed.

OP posts:
Carriebradshawsshoes · 11/08/2018 18:38

Why haven’t you got any cupboard space in the kitchen? Can you speak to the landlord? I haven’t carried utensils about since uni halls.

Original poster
SardineHousing · 11/08/2018 18:53

I have a cupboard in the kitchen. My food is in it, I would not keep food in my room.

What's the landlord going to do? Confused

OP posts:
Sevendown · 11/08/2018 18:56

I absolutely couldn’t do it anymore by the time I was 21!

I need my own space.

Carriebradshawsshoes · 11/08/2018 19:22

Dunno what the landlord can do but how tiny is the kitchen if no one can have any pans in there? How much do you pay a month? Can you move abit further out and look for a house with abit more space? We are in a three bedroom we flat and are older than you. It’s just London but it helps that we all get along and that we all have different work patterns . For the people who say about housing associations wouldn’t it be wonderful to jump on that list? It’s impossible to even work out their websites never mind get on the list which doesn’t exist. Are you moving in with your bf anytime soon?

CSIblonde · 11/08/2018 19:32

Where do you live OP. Don't know what your rent plus bills is but my BFF who is 39, shares, hates it & it comes to £850 Inc bills. NE London has masses of large studio flats, all around £750 usually with brand new kitchen/bathroom etc. Single person discount on council tax.

PeakPants · 11/08/2018 19:37

I agree 100%, OP. I think it is a huge factor in terms of mental health. I lived in house-shares for most of my 20s and then got a job in a cheaper city, still in the South-East, but I was able to buy my own little house, which would never have been possible in London. I lived with some seriously weird people as well, and it got me down. I would never willingly flatshare again.

I think there is little that is beneficial about living with a bunch of strangers. You have virtually no privacy, you can't relax or be yourself and you can't really treat the space as your own. Sometimes people move in with people they have never met before. It's a nightmare. I think very few people like it and even at age 23, I would much rather have had my own place if I could have afforded it.

There is a huge lack of decent quality accommodation for single people who are not loaded. That's a problem because the number of single adults, especially in their 40s and 50s and older is on the rise. This also happens with rising divorce rates, where people split with partners and then cannot afford to live on their own. When I was moving out of a houseshare in London, I advertised my room on spareroom.co.uk and one of the people viewing was a lady in her late 40s who had split from her husband, kids chose to stay with him and she now had to live in a shitty little shared flat where her kids couldn't even come to visit. Heartbreaking.