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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think having to live in house shares is a factor in mental health issues?

76 replies

SardineHousing · 11/08/2018 12:20

Most people do it during their twenties but want to have private space as you get older. Shit wages not keeping up with rent or not being able to go full time for poor health mean there are lots of people sharing going into their 40's and 50's these days.

I'm only in my 30's but find shared living very hard. I have anxiety and manage very well but is a constant challenge and it struck me how unhealthy it is to be cramped in with virtual strangers with no realistic possibility of being able to set up on my own.

My other half is staying for a few days and we're either in my bed, or sitting on two hard chairs in my room if we're at home. There's no sitting room or kitchen table in the small kitchen. There's no room for an armchair or sofa in my room. My room isn't small but two wardrobes of clothes, desk and two chests of drawers just mean there's no extra space. My whole adult life has to fit in here.

Luckily I really like my home in other ways! It's warm and nice and the most affordable I can get. Mostly happy in it but it seems such a stressful and unnatural way to live as an adult. I'm sure if you were in a very shaky spot with mental health it could really be quite damaging to have to house share for years with people you don't know, moving in and out.

It's ok saying just move in with friends, but I don't have any friends in a similar situation anymore. Several have gone back to the family home, which I can't do. The rest are married with kids now.

AIBU to think it's not great for adults to live like this long term? Just a moany observation really!

OP posts:
eightfacesofthemoon · 11/08/2018 12:47

@purplelila2
Hahaha that’s the funniest thing I’ve heard in a long time.
Are you in London? In my borough you can’t put your name on the list unless you’ve lived in the borough for 5 years. Are homeless and pregnant, homeless on the streets. are ex forces or are a key worker.
And even then you’ll be at the bottom of the list.

LeftRightCentre · 11/08/2018 12:48

YANBU but in the SE there isn't much choice, sadly.

AlexaShutUp · 11/08/2018 12:51

Where do you need to live, OP, and what's your budget for accommodation? And what percentage of your income are you spending on housing? Perhaps people will be able to help with suggestions?

Loopytiles · 11/08/2018 12:52

No sitting room and tiny kitchen (inadequate for the number of people living there) is cramped conditions IMO.

purplelila2 · 11/08/2018 12:53

eightfacesofthemoon why is that funny it's not.

bridgetreilly · 11/08/2018 12:53

I've never had a house share without a sitting room and a dining area. I think you could definitely look into getting a better house share - fewer tenants, more communal space. The last one I was in was just two of us in a 3-bed house, with two bathrooms and a big kitchen/diner as well as sitting-room.

Any living arrangements can impact mental health negatively. Living alone can be just as bad as shared housing, depending on the circumstance. I wouldn't worry about the generalities, just focus on what your needs are and what would improve that situation.

eightfacesofthemoon · 11/08/2018 12:54

@purplelila2
Because you either did it so long ago it was easier. Or you don’t live in the southeast by which I presume she means London.
It’s almost impossible to get on a HA waiting list, you can’t just rock up and say I want to be on the list anymore

RayRayBidet · 11/08/2018 12:56

What about renting a storage unit to make space for a chair/sofa?

LeftRightCentre · 11/08/2018 12:56

No sitting room and tiny kitchen (inadequate for the number of people living there) is cramped conditions IMO.

Very standard in London and some cities now, tbh. OP, I'd stick with the devil you know and see how to improve your room for now.

Paulmapantzoff · 11/08/2018 12:58

Was in a similar situation OP in my mid twenties.(now late 30s) It’s impossible to save in London. Had to move out. Went to outskirts of Gloucester and rented a 2 bed house for the same amount per month I was paying for a house share. Had to start all over again but in the long run it’s been the best decision I’ve made.

Original poster
SardineHousing · 11/08/2018 12:58

Bridgetreilly - I agree any living conditions can be negative depending on personal preferences because different things might suit different people.

But it's a lack of choice that I'm talking about. I don't, in my heart of hearts, want to share. But I have to. I'm not making a choice to share because I feel I benefit from talking to housemates.

My opinion is that more people want private space as they get older, than want to share to have live-in company. Different when you're younger.

OP posts:
TinklyLittleLaugh · 11/08/2018 12:59

It sounds really difficult OP. I'd be looking around for another houseshare and choosing carefully.

LeafcutterAnt · 11/08/2018 13:00

purplelila2 What was your rent when you saved for a house deposit on 16K salary?

RayRayBidet · 11/08/2018 13:00

Or how about one of those schemes where you take a spare room in an older person's house to be a bit of company for them and get cheap rent?
They would have a lounge etc

LeftRightCentre · 11/08/2018 13:01

I agree, Sardine, but since you live in such an expensive part of the country that's always going to be an issue. You either find a way to make more money or look at moving out.

Original poster
SardineHousing · 11/08/2018 13:03

I know tbh. I just think this seems more of an issue now than a while back even in this part of the country. I seem to remember friends a decade older than me renting small 1 beds in cheaper areas of towns that don't exist anymore.

OP posts:
DarlingNikita · 11/08/2018 13:13

DP and I are in our 40s and have a lodger. I know people my age and older with lodgers/long-term paying guests etc. I also know someone who was living in a houseshare when she had her children and they are now the most well-socialised, confident and delightful kids I've ever met.

I think it can be a good as well as a bad thing. Company is often quite a powerful force for good, as is the sense of sharing responsibilities. It teaches you tolerance and at the same time how to have boundaries and stand up for yourself non-confrontationally.

MingeUterusMingeMingeYoni · 11/08/2018 13:16

I think it can be. I remember my friend being in a houseshare in a new city with people she didn't know, she'd just gone on Spareroom as she was moving for work and had no contacts. She was 23ish iirc, so still around the time of life when it's very normal. One of the people she was sharing with was about 30 and had just clearly outgrown it and was having problems coping. She had some depression and the setup seemed like it was making her even more unhappy. And I suppose the older you get, the less likely you are to have pals to live with. More likely to be with strangers. Whom you might befriend of course, but never any guarantee.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 11/08/2018 13:16

YANBU.

House shares are fun in your early 20s, and I also think it's great that people now have the option of doing this at an older age now, without social stigma. For many people it's a great choice.

BUT. Being trapped in house shares because you don't have other options sucks, is likely to be stressful, and probably does grind down many people's mental health.

whiteroseredrose · 11/08/2018 13:22

Do you have to be in the South East? I'm sure rents are cheaper around the UK.

Alternatively do you need two wardrobes for clothes? Could you ask to get rid of one and get a chair instead?

MouseholeCat · 11/08/2018 13:27

I agree OP houseshares can be really horrible, and it the impact of it is worse as you get older. I hated not having control over my surroundings. My mental health got infinitely better when DH and I moved into a pokey studio apartment (still cost over £1000 pcm...!).

FWIW, I think there are solutions. Co-living communities can be really great, especially when they are well marketed, vetted and values-led. However, right now many are quite expensive. I've also seen one or two change their marketing strategies after a year or so (e.g. from young professionals to students), which could cause huge conflicts.

ForalltheSaints · 11/08/2018 13:28

I am very fortunate I have never lived in a house share, other than at university, which was only for 10 weeks in a row at any one time. I had about five months lodging with someone Monday to Friday, which was only ever going to be a temporary arrangement before moving house.

The tales I have heard from younger work colleagues and acquaintances and others who have shared houses make me feel that the OP makes a valid point. I think also it may lead to couples moving in together sooner than they would otherwise, simply to end the misery of house sharing. Possibly leads to the mental health issues that can occur if such relationships end when couples are living together, which might be different if they were not.

LighthouseSouth · 11/08/2018 13:28

I think it must be a factor, yes.

I have depression and anxiety and don't disclose it at work. Interestingly, a colleague - who is also thinking to leave the South East - was saying that she thinks the fact we live in ever smaller boxes in such an overpopulated part of the world is contributing to mental health issues.

I think she might be right.

when we retire we will certainly look at going North and getting as much space as we can and I have a feeling that doing that will help a lot.

I'm lucky, I'm of a generation where house prices weren't as bad as they are now, so I shared till I was 28 and even with a nice friend, it was bad.

Yesiamhappy · 11/08/2018 13:29

Have a look at how some people have done up small spaces on Pinterest etc there are some good ideas on how to maximise living space / storage space etc. It might make your place more bearable while you save money to find a new place

parklives · 11/08/2018 13:30

What tawdry just said.

My brother and sister are in their late 30s - early 40s and still live in house shares. I know it gets them down.

Yes they are in London (outskirts not the nicer areas) but that where they work.

Yes they could move out (not to where we grow up as that's almost as expensive and less job opportunities/more travel time expense) to somewhere where they don't have any friends or connections, but that's probably not going to help their overall happiness.

Another reason for staying in London, apart from their jobs, friends, etc is that they are mixed race and although they have lived in other places (like Brighton etc) they find London is the only place where their race isn't commented on, so they feel comfortable and safe there. They are also enjoy the cultural diversity of London too, so would find that difficult to leave.

They are desperate to get on the housing ladder, but prices rise quicker than they can save, and it's impossible. I worry for their futures.