Why am I not grieving?

[Ordinarymamma]

So my amazing mum passed away suddenly last week. I was there when it happened and I tried to resuscitate her for half an hour until the ambulance came. Unfortunately she couldn't be saved. The first few days were horrendous, trying to be there for my dad and my children and I felt as if I was mourning in a normal natural way. However, now I feel nothing. As in nothing. No sadness but also no happiness. I walk around aimlessly with no energy, I'm struggling to sleep and I forget to eat. But emotionally, I feel nothing. I haven't cried for 2 days and I can watch a film, all these things that according to the experts, most people can't do for a long while. What is wrong with me?? I witnessed the most horrendous thing yet I feel nothing. I'm worried I'm not normal and I'm worried it will hit even harder all of a sudden when I'm not prepared. Has anyone gone through this? Can anyone please give me advice!

You are grieving. Just not in the way you expected.

I agree it’s shock. I went through similar. I was there for my dad, my siblings and my children. I kept things running,I organised the funeral, gave the eulogy etc etc. I didn’t cry. I remember saying to my husband that I could get everything done so long as I didn’t take time out to mourn my mother.

I cried 6 months later at my neighbour’s funeral. I had liked him well enough but I recognised that the tears were not for him.

You will cry and probably when you least expect it.

All feelings (and apparent lack of) are valid when mourning and everyone is different.
But it looks like you are feeling something, but are just numb.

Big hug.

I’m very sorry for your loss.

As pp said, there is no right or wrong way to grieve.

When my father died it felt surreal, like I was watching someone else rather than actually feeling it. I had two weeks off work and was on auto pilot for a few months.

Sorry for your loss sending you kind thoughts x

Greif is an odd thing. My Dad died a little over a year ago from illness. At first it was sadness mixed with utter relief; relief that he was no longer in pain, relief that not every day would start with the thought 'is Dad going to die today? Will I have enough time to get there?' Wierdly enough the day Mum phoned to say this is it, come now, I was totally calm and dare I say it relaxed.

I was sad straight after for a week or two, but straight back into the swing of things within a week. I would say that it was about 6 months later that I really really struggled with grief. And even now, it comes and it goes- totally unpredictable and not at all how I thought it would be.

Give yourself a break- there is no right way of doing this

You are numb.

It took me about six months before I started processing it all.

It takes time. Do not worry, grief is not a performance.

I’m still missing my amazing mum, and am still processing (grieving) but no one but me even knows because to the outside world my behaviour is normal.

You might be different, but that’s normal too
X

When feelings are too big/difficult to deal with, your brain saves you by putting you into emotional shutdown. This is why you feel nothing. I've had this. In time you will grieve in a way that's more how you recognise. I've been there, but different reasons.
I'm so sorry that you lost your Mum.

Very sorry that you have lost your mum. It sounds like you are still in shock, as PPs have said. Your brain is not yet able to process the enormity of what has happened.
You can't really force or steer your grief- just let it happen as it comes. What you're experiencing is 'normal'.... Look after yourself and surround yourself with good people whenever possible.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

You are in shock.

My friend's mum reacted in a similar way when her husband died suddenly and then it hit her later.

I recommend you see a grief counsellor.

Im so sorry you went through this. my FIL died 6 weeks before our wedding, then my husband had exams etc and I knew he wouldn't grieve until that was all over. it will be a year soon and hes only just cried properly about it. some things take time. He couldn't grieve until he had the head space and made sure everyone else was okay and I suspect youre the same xxx

It sounds like shock to me as well. I remember similar feelings when my dad died and I didn't experience the event in such a traumatic fashion as you did. Although many people experience different stages of grief we each experience them in our own way, at our own time so I hope you don't worry too much about experiencing the 'correct' feelings but if you do there are people you can talk to such as bereavement counsellors.

My sympathies for your loss.

I am so sorry for your loss. I agree with other posters; shock and grief can take strange forms.
When you're physically injured, a little scratch or the like hurts a bit straight away; when you're really hurt, it can take longer for the pain to register, or the bruises to come out.
I was the same when my DM died. I was so busy thinking about all the practicalities, registering the death, informing friends and family, arranging the funeral etc etc, I didn't have headspace to deal with the really big thing. I sailed through, dryeyed. Then six months later, a trivial argument with a dear friend made me upset, and the pent up grief all came out. Some people find that a "first" can be the trigger (birthday, Mother's Day, Christmas), or temporarily forgetting and then feeling guilty (Oh, I must remember to tell Mum when I see her, she'll laugh - oh no, I forgot).
Take care of yourself, and eventually it gets easier to remember the happy times.

My DM lost her adored father young and suddenly. She felt nothing at the time (or at least, not the emotion she thought she was expected to feel). Six months later she was at work and realised there were tears running down her face, for no apparent reason. For her, that was how long it took to process what had happened.

Grief is a funny thing, OP. No right or wrong way. Just go with it.

So sorry for your loss

There is nothing wrong with you because there is no proper way to grieve or react to trauma and death you are more than likely dazed and in shock. I am sorry about your mum

My mum died in April. I have read a lot about death and dying and grief in the last few months. One thread I found on twitter talked about the early days/weeks being like concussion; the brain knows something really bad has happened so it kind of protects you, just does things automatically but almost surreally, which is what I think numbness feels like.

It is very difficult and very individual. Be kind to yourself for a long time yet xxx

In the first stages of grief people can often feel “ numb” , it’s completely normal. And as other posters have said everyone reacts in a different way to grief - don’t listen to people who tell you how you should grieve . I worked in an job where we would frequently deal with people who were experiencing grief and the people I worked beside would not accept referrals for grief counselling if it was very soon after the death as it can take time for reality to sink in.
I met many people dealing with grief and they all dealt with it differently .

My son died all of a sudden when he was almost three years old and I didn't grieve in the usual manner, I didn't have the energy for grief as I had to deal with the immediate issues.
My two youngest daughters were taken into care and my older daughter was taken out of the jurisdiction to be abused. Thus followed nine months of hell, a social worker told me that I could not ever have my daughters back as I clearly couldn't take care of them because if I 'don't wear make up then I clearly don't care about myself let alone my children' [YES Worcestershire social services! You should all face disciplinaries for that at least!] sorry, gone off on a tangent.. grief affects us all differently but one common denominator is exhaustion and so we need time and also, if your grief doesn't look like other people's grief, don't worry about it.

I think it is a very common reaction to go into deep shock. When I chat to people about loss I tell them that it seems very common that the whole of the first year after a devastating loss can be spent in shock. Everyone has different grief reactions but intense shock and emotional numbness is something people don't expect.

I think especially when you have responsibilities and other people's emotions to cope with (such as having children) you can feel like you are going through the motions of your life without the emotions. Doing all the annual rituals such as birthdays and Christmas without the loved one is just so shocking in itself and devastating, I think it can be a mercy that we do feel numb. I think it's the brain's way of slowly acclimatising to a radically new reality.

One aspect to look out for is during this period you may find the pain of your grief coming out physically in forms such as headaches, stomach aches, physical tingles and numbness, general aches and other psychosomatic symptoms such as short term memory loss. It is very normal that stress and anxiety and just intense sadness manifests physically when the mind is overwhelmed.

I was like that when my mum died. I actually think it IS grief that you are experiencing.

I used to say to people at the time that the emotion of grief is just unrecognisable if you have not felt it before. I used to wake up and be confused about this wierd numbness.

Also, we are used to fighting negative emotion. But you can't dight grief, and shouldn't as you need it to process loss.

Look after yourself. It will pass, you just have to let it happen. X

Ordinarymamma I am so sorry that your mum died xxx

When my Mil died my dh left the hospital and went to the supermarket and did a food shop it was very odd of course I didn't say i thought it was odd he just seemed to be on autopilot till well after funeral.

I am so sorry you have lost your Mum.
I was also with my Mum when she died, but in my case we knew that she was dying. It takes a long time to absorb what has happened, and when a death has been particularly traumatic, then it is normal to shut down, just to be able to go on functioning. It is a normal part of grief, this is grief, just not what you expect. I stayed in coping mode until after the funeral, and then I felt bleak and rather blank for a long time. It is two years now and I have spent today sorting through her things, still painful, but I’ve reached a point when I can do it.
Just be kind to yourself, spend time with people who will be kind and gentle with you. Make sure you keep eating, and getting outside for a little while each day helps. Try and plan something nice to do with your family in a few months time. I found that when the grief was hitting me hardest, all my friends had forgotten all about it, so planning a weekend break etc, kept me with something nice to focus on, and was distracting when we did it, even if I just felt like huddling at home.
This is a long process, there are no wrong feelings.

Moveablefeast what you say about physical grief is very interesting. I remember a sense of utter exhaustion the next day.

I had been running back and forth between the hospice and work, and had two young children, but even so the overwhelming physical and emotional fatigue surprised me.

OP - just focus on taking care of yourself as best you can even though it's tricky when you are on autopilot and forget to eat etc. What are the things that help you during times of stress? Exercise? Baths? Maybe start up a positive healing routine for yourself now, even though you are still numb.

It will come and you will get through it. It might be good to start a conversation with a counsellor now if you can face it but don't pressure yourself.