Why am I not grieving?

[Ordinarymamma]

So my amazing mum passed away suddenly last week. I was there when it happened and I tried to resuscitate her for half an hour until the ambulance came. Unfortunately she couldn't be saved. The first few days were horrendous, trying to be there for my dad and my children and I felt as if I was mourning in a normal natural way. However, now I feel nothing. As in nothing. No sadness but also no happiness. I walk around aimlessly with no energy, I'm struggling to sleep and I forget to eat. But emotionally, I feel nothing. I haven't cried for 2 days and I can watch a film, all these things that according to the experts, most people can't do for a long while. What is wrong with me?? I witnessed the most horrendous thing yet I feel nothing. I'm worried I'm not normal and I'm worried it will hit even harder all of a sudden when I'm not prepared. Has anyone gone through this? Can anyone please give me advice!

[Bluewidow]

Because at the moment everything around you will be busy ie funeral prep, caring for your children etc. wait until after the funeral it all changes.

[DancingOnMyOwn]

So sorry to hear about your Mum OP I lost my mum 4 weeks ago (she got diagnosed with terminal lung cancer just a few weeks before). I'd spent the last few weeks of her life caring for her day and night and was with her when she died. The first week afterwards I felt like you. Just numb. Nothing.
I spoke to my doctor because I felt so "not normal" and detached from reality.
I still felt the same after her funeral. Until last week when it all hit me full force and now I'm unable to cope.
Sorry for waffling on, just saying I understand and there's no "normal" way to grieve. I still have days when I'm numb and in denial about her death. The next day I can be in floods of tears.
Take care of yourself OP it's a horrendous time xx

[Hassled]

I'm so sorry for your loss. And yes, whatever you're feeling is the right way to be feeling - there's no wrong way to cope with something like this. I think bereavement counselling is useful for everyone, but add in what you must have gone through in that awful half hour and it's probably even more important, when you're ready, that you speak to someone. The Cruse website is useful.

[Penfold007]

Grief and grieving is a very personal journey and each one of us experience's the journey in our own unique way. There are well recognised stages of grieving but we all reach those stages at different times and in different orders.
I'm another one saying you are in shock and managing by keeping busy. Be kind to yourself. I am sorry for your loss

[wordsmithereens]

So sorry for your loss. It sounds like it was quite a difficult, traumatic way for her to go as you describe it.

It's quite normal to feel numb after such a difficult event. It's a protective response that allows you to function in the immediate event. And everybody grieves differently, there's no clear timetable, it often comes and goes in stages.

Be kind to yourself if you can and allow yourself to feel whatever you feel, even if it doesn't feel "right" - there is no right. If you still feel completely numb after longer than a month, it may be worth having a chat with your GP or looking into some counselling.

All the best wishes to you and your family.

[Bluelady]

I was numb after my mum died. My body wasn't, I hurt all over as if I'd been beaten up. I got through the funeral dry eyed, it was afterwards that I really felt what I guess you'd call classic grief. Everyone grieves in their own unique way, there is no normal.

Very sorry for your loss, OP. 💐

[Mousefunky]

I’m so sorry for your loss . It is shock and it’s an entirely normal grieving process. As a PP said there’s no ‘normal’ way to grieve, everyone goes through different stages at different times.

[MrsFrankDrebin]

I'm so sorry for your loss. There is no right or wrong time to grieve, or any kind of time scale.

My mum is still with us, but very poorly with a degenerative disease that will not directly claim her life, but has already stolen all of it that was meaningful about her, and her body is quickly failing to the point it will no longer be able to sustain her.

I'm struggling to be what people expect me to be, but in my mind I think I've already grieved for my mum who's not there any longer, even though she's technically still here (if that makes any sense) and I'm afraid that I'll be numb like you when the time actually comes, and not react as people expect me to, because actually I've already started the process and done a lot of my crying already. I'm just doing it 'the wrong way round' according to what many seem to think is normal.

But there is no normal with grief. And, from what friends have told me, this weird period between death and the funeral is a strange time, almost as if everything is on hold, including emotions. Just be kind to yourself - your mum would want that.

[sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea]

Pretty much what everyone else has said - you've experienced something incredibly traumatic, so your brain has shut that bit off for now, to protect you because it has the potential to overwhelm you. Grief arrives and behaves in strange, unpredictable, and inexplicable ways, there is no right or wrong way for you to feel or behave right now.

The fact that you're questioning why you feel this way shows it has had a deep impact on you, but you just can't process it now. It might arrive as a wave, or just little laps against the shore. No one can tell you how it will happen. Be gentle on yourself. I'm so very sorry for your loss

[Allthewaves]

Shock and depression. Be kind to yourself around 2 month mark when everything is more settled expect a flood of emotions so plan to give yourself space and time

[PlatypusPie]

There are no rules to grief or the way that you will react. You have not only lost your mother, you lost her in traumatic circumstances as well. I do remember being quite automaton like for both my parents deaths, being both very tired and spacey but also buzzing, making lists, organising everything, completely unable to sleep.

It may suddenly hit you but it may also just incrementally change so that you realise one day that things are different and you will be dealing with that. Be kind to yourself and don’t look for ‘should be’ stages in your emotions.

[OliviaStabler]

So sorry for your loss

I was exactly the same after my Mum died. When I look back now, although I couldn't tell anyone in real life at the time, it felt like I had died as well. I walked, I talked, I ate, I functioned but no one was home. I was dead inside.

I would highly recommend counselling.

[pinkpantsrock]

when my dad 15yrs ago i was the same, i never did feel any loss or sadness, i never did, even to this day.

He was my best friend and i adored him. I lost him when i was 18.

I know i can never change that he's gone and embrace all the positive memories i have of him.

[Movablefeast]

Easilyflattered I totally forgot but when my dad died suddenly of a heart attack the next day I woke up with a very red rash, like eczema all up my neck and coming onto the sides of my face. I didn’t even notice it until my brother pointed it out. It is completely understandable that our physical bodies respond in previously unknown ways when we are in the throws of grief.

I think the utter exhaustion is very common too. Carrying that kind of grief and pain is exhausting. I think sometimes the person experiencing it can even be unaware as we can often feel so alienated during grief and not even notice our physical reactions.

to everyone on this thread.

[Movablefeast]

ordinarymamma you lived through an extremely traumatic experience, you could well have post-traumatic shock as well as the grief reaction. Are you able to talk to anyone IRL at the moment?

[Figlessfig]

I’m so sorry you lost your mum
Trying to resuscitate her must have been hellish, both to do and to look back on.
I’ve nothing much to add to what others have said. Just take each day as it comes. There’s no right or wrong way to grieve, just your way.

[2018SoFarSoGreat]

so sorry for your loss, Ordinary, it sounds really traumatic.

When my DF died I was with him, knew it was coming, and was very sad but able to cope well enough. Three months later I attended the funeral of the DF of a cousin's husband, a man I barely knew. I lost it, could not stop crying and could not pull myself together. Am mortified at how I must have looked. Five years later I still find funerals bring it all back to me.

Funny old thing, grief. You never really know how it will affect you, but whatever it is, go with the flow. Be kind to yourself.

[purplelila2]

My mother died when I was 17 I felt shock then nothing. I never cried or felt sadness .

I'm now 34 and looking back it never hit me it just didn't

[whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2]

I'm really sorry for your loss. You are in shock. Emotions change quickly, be kind to yourself.

[NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom]

I had a very similar experience to you with my dad OP, everyone grieves differently-there is no right & wrong.
Very sorry for your loss

[cropcirclesinthefields]

I didn't want to read and run, I'm so sorry for your loss. I think as pp have said it's shock you're feeling, do you have a good support network around you? Talk to them and let them know how you're feeling

[Angie169]

So sorry for your loss,
My DH died suddenly and for about 2 weeks I just carried on, I had sole responsibility for funeral and financial I had family that could help but I didn't think I needed it it was only about 3 months later and a chance remark that broke me , I cried for hours every day for weeks and still get very upset almost a year later.
There is no right way to grieve it will give you either in a day or two or in months or possibly years the most important thing is to talk to people don't bottle it up if you haven't got any family or friends you can talk to talk to you relate or to us here on Mumsnet
We are here to hold your hand.

[cptartapp]

My DM was killed in a car accident, she was 69. I led awake the night it happened and thought I'd never sleep again. I did though. Despite having a funeral to plan, an estate to wind up and a longstanding
family home to sell, I've slept like a log ever since.
The emotions came later, usually in the car between home and work in my own little 'bubble' . Your tears will come in time.
I'm sorry for your loss