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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Text me when you get there?

96 replies

Darknessinthevalley · 10/08/2018 01:09

Tiny amount of background.
I'm early 20's, moved away from home at 17, I haven't lived within 100 miles of my hometown since then. Occasionally, DH and I will travel four or so hours to visit his family, and we don't drive so we almost always get a coach (no prizes for guessing where I am right now!).
If I mention to either of my (divorced) parents, they'll request that I text them when I get there. They don't always know that I'm going, and obviously they don't know when I go out, or go to stay with friends, so I find it odd that they ask for a text on these occasions.
It's a small thing to remember, but I do get snapped at when I forget, which in the mess of getting into the house and dumping bags/hugging in laws etc, I often do.
It's such a minor thing in the scheme of things, but AIBU to think this a little strange? Do you do this with your adult kids?
Just to clarify completely, I don't live at home, I haven't for years now, so they rarely know my whereabouts anyway.

OP posts:
VeryIdentifyingTatt · 10/08/2018 04:06

I'm 25 and haven't lived with my parents for over 6 years, we now live at different ends of the country and I still have to text them when I arrive anywhere if it's a planned long distance. Nice to know they care for the sake of a 20 second text.
My parents also text me when they go home from my house to tell me they're back safe so that I don't worry because it's such a way and not a journey they do every week. Oh and heaven forbid anyone forgets to let my nan know they're home safe, she panics and can get incredibly upset but she won't call in case you're still driving and she distracts you/ causes an accident/ annoys you.

Homebird8 · 10/08/2018 04:13

I think if you’re not going to call/text them then you need to tell them that when you are asked to. If they say, ‘Text when you get there’ and you don’t say anything you probably should.

I agree it’s mad that they only want to know about certain journeys but the sensible thing to do is make an agreement or they will choose to worry and will tell you all about it.

I told my MIL that we wouldn’t be doing that anymore after the time we got an irate FIL on the phone when we weren’t home yet to demand why they hadn’t had their call. I explained to him that the traffic was bad and we weren’t home yet but if he wanted we could call at about the time they expected us to be home to lie if they wanted. That was the end of it thank heavens. DH was much relieved as in their case it was an emotional manipulation technique. No more pointless calls.

3girlmama · 10/08/2018 04:16

My mum asks me to text her too. I text her as I'm approaching the destination so I don't have to worry when I arrive and go through the dash to the loo, hugging people, having a cuppa and then forgetting to text. DH drives on long journeys so I'm the texter

I think I'll be asking my girls to text me when they're older 🤭

deptfordgirl · 10/08/2018 04:25

Haha I ask my parents to text me when they arrive home from visiting me or arrive at a holiday destination. They often text to say they've arrived home from visiting my siblings when I didn't even know they'd gone there!

Monty27 · 10/08/2018 04:29

OP it's sweet. They are probably angsting about you getting there ok.
It's allowed when you are a parent. It's part of the job Smile

BoomBoomsCousin · 10/08/2018 04:48

Actually OP I think you're doing them a disservice by agreeing to it. If they snap at you when you forget they are clearly getting anxious about it and you normalizing that anxiety won't help them get over it. If you tell them no nicely when they ask they will start to get the hang of not expecting to hear from you but finding out you are fine anyway and there was nothing to worry about. By playing along with them you help feed the minor anxiety which is both bad for them when you fail to text and how bigger anxieties develop. So all round not a good thing.

tararabumdeay · 10/08/2018 05:31

It's a small courtesy since home telephones were just about affordable in the 1960s. 15 or 35 years before that many parents never knew if they would see their child again.

Since the ubiquity of mobile phone the most awful thing was the papers picking up texts - I can't even talk about the hope and horror those parents must have been through.

Just a small courtesy, after a visit, to suggest you're fine.

SofiaAmes · 10/08/2018 05:33

I am 55 and still required to do this for my parents whom I haven't lived with since I was 16.

SofiaAmes · 10/08/2018 05:34

Be grateful that you can just send a quick text and don't have to make a phone call.

Slartybartfast · 10/08/2018 05:39

they should not be annoyed.
just remind them No news is good news.
you are not tied to their apron strings

SimonBridges · 10/08/2018 05:57

This sounds perfectly normal to me.

I live miles from my folks too, and travel all over but if I’ve been to see them I’ll always text when I get home. Same when I’ve been on holiday, DF likes to know the flight number and I message when I get in.

My parents are not overbearing or all that close. I only see them about once a year.

Slartybartfast · 10/08/2018 05:59

My dm rings me when she goes on holiday and again when she returns. Perhaps a phone call would be a nicer catch up op.

CatsRule · 10/08/2018 06:00

I'm 40 and my Mum asks me to text her. I also ask her to text me too! Same for my sister. They care about you, nothing wrong with that.

Slartybartfast · 10/08/2018 06:05

you could do it now, since you are on the coach, or do it when you remember, do you have to text the both of them separately?

tolotiwowa · 10/08/2018 06:05

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Slartybartfast · 10/08/2018 06:06

why do you only speak to them once or twice a month? that makes me sad Sad

PunkrockerGirl59 · 10/08/2018 06:06

Just do it. You don't stop caring and worrying about your children just because they're grown-up and haven't lived at home for a few years.

Vitalogy · 10/08/2018 06:08

What about a quick text as you're pulling into the bus station.

JumbleJamba · 10/08/2018 06:12

I think it's pathetic

How bitter and miserable and joyless to find a parent's care for their child 'pathetic'. Our children are our children no matter how grown up they get. It's such a small gesture in return for all the love and work that went into raising you. OP be glad a d happy that there is someone who loves you SO MUCH that they care about this. Honestly... Angry

ToffeeNosed · 10/08/2018 06:19

Is it more that they've found out after the fact you've visited their home town and hurt that you've had time with your in laws and not let them know you were there?
Eg When I moved an hour away my gran never visited me once. On my lunch hour I came out of a sandwich shop and bumped into her, shed had a day out on a coach trip. I felt hurt in 6 years she'd made the effort for a jolly but not for me.

TinDogTavern · 10/08/2018 06:28

I think it’s a bit pathetic too. I can kind of see it if you’d been to visit them, that they’d be thinking about you on your trip back, but a
completely unrelated trip? Checking in with your mum? It would never enter my head and I thought that was normal. Really surprised at how many people do this as a matter of course, and agree with the PP who thinks it can be unhelpful for stoking anxiety.

MsHopey · 10/08/2018 06:31

Whenever I visit my mom she always says text me when you get home safe.
I've always said I drive places every single day and I never text her on those occasions, but she insists i text her. So I do. It's weird but i assume in their head there is some kind of worry, so I always do my best to put her at ease.

Vitalogy · 10/08/2018 06:33

Really surprised at how many people do this as a matter of course Unfortunately I can't do this anymore but wish I could.

Roussette · 10/08/2018 06:37

OP it's not weird, it's normal. I have 3 adult DCs (one DSS) and I do this sometimes (not always). If they have spent time with us, they're on my mind, they leave for a long journey home, and sometimes I just want to know they've got there OK. Sometimes I worry. Other times not so much.

Having said that, we do speak more or less most days, so it is quite normal to them and TBH they like to know I care! One of my DDs is training for a half marathon and was out running at 10.30pm in London and because I know she's running round the streets of London at night... I worry, the area she lives in isn't exactly posh. Can't help it. I asked her if she'd just ring my mobile once so I know she's home. And she did.

Of course the rest of the time she and others are out clubbing, festivals whatever... but that's different. Out of sight out of mind. No news is good news etc.

Whoever thinks it's 'pathetic'... how mean. Would you rather have parents who didn't care?

Roussette · 10/08/2018 06:40

P.S. Have to say, I'm not the anxious sort at all. But those of you on here with young DCs might understand in years to come when your chidren are adults. You don't give up on motherhood because theyre 18, 25, 28 or whatever, you never stop worrying in a small way from time to time.

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