Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another wedding one

38 replies

Seethefieldwhereigrowmyfucks · 09/08/2018 23:56

First time poster long time lurker so please be kind!
My marriage is over, I want to end it but my husband refuses to accept this and is insisting on marriage counselling.

There is a family wedding in the coming weeks SIL is getting married and STBXH (i wish) still expects me to attend with DC.

I've said no and DC can attend in the evening as he'll be too busy all day to look after 2 small children plus the wedding ceremony is early afternoon and littlest should be napping at the time of the ceremony.

AIBU to

  1. Not attend the wedding - he's not told his family about our issues and says I'm creating drama for attention. I want a divorce he has had ample opportunity to tell his family.
  2. To not send small children to a wedding all day especially given it runs over naps (won't sleep if not at home because of too much going on) but send them later to reception having had good sleep.

Wedding is local so I can easily drop DC off.

STBXH is being vile as usual and refuses to discuss anything other than mine and DC full attendance, I don't have the energy to play happy families for a full day and don't see why I should.

OP posts:
UpstartCrow · 09/08/2018 23:58

Yanbu, do you have any support irl? It sounds very stressful Flowers

OlennasWimple · 10/08/2018 00:00

I would send my regrets to the wedding, suggest he takes the DC to the actual service, then pick them up early evening so that they aren't cranky and getting in the way . I'd be amazed if he had a problem with them not being there for the evening reception if they were there for the wedding itself and the photos

Fevs · 10/08/2018 00:01

How close are your children to your SIL? And how old are your children?

If they have a good relationship with her and she would genuinely love them to be there and them love to attend I think on this occasion you may need to say they can go. I would have thought it would be more disruptive to be out in the evening than the day anyway? Perhaps pick them up before the night bit starts.

Can’t your nearly ex husband take them and you make your excuses if your marriage is in a bad way and you don’t care to attend?

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 10/08/2018 00:01

YANBU . STBXH is clearly in denial and wants to put up a front for his family. Young children can’t cope with a whole day at a wedding, you are being very reasonable indeed to say that they can join him in the evening.
If it’s really over he needs to face facts

PatriciaHolm · 10/08/2018 00:03

How old are the kids? I'd be tempted to say, ok, I'm not going as we are not together anymore, if you want the kids for the weekend that's up to you, I'll be somewhere else.

He doesn't get to decide if you are together or not.

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 10/08/2018 00:04

Actually, Olennas has a better point. Why don’t the kids attend the ceremony then pick them up so STBXH can enjoy the evening without being responsible for young kids who really won’t enjoy it and should be in bed

Original poster
Seethefieldwhereigrowmyfucks · 10/08/2018 00:14

DC are 2 and 4, SIL has made no effort to see either kids in the last 6 months accept to pick outfits for them to wear.

Maybe I should just let them go, I'll have to get used to it I suppose Sad and so will he

OP posts:
Aintnothingbutaheartache · 10/08/2018 00:16

Tbh I would want to be there with a 2 & 4 yo

user139328237 · 10/08/2018 00:19

Just go. It is one day and a close family members wedding is not a suitable time to announce the break down of your marriage. It would be SiL that would be worst affected by you not going rather than your husband and quite frankly it would be pretty easy of him to make you look rather selfish if you prevented your SiL nieces or nephews from attending her wedding.

Wallywobbles · 10/08/2018 00:26

Send a message to his family explaining in view of imminent divorce you won't be attending but of course DC will be there and you hope they have a lovely day.

bluetrampolines · 10/08/2018 00:31

Yes. It's awful but you will have to get used to it. But far worse and far more. He is banking on you not coping. Do not go to the wedding.

PurpleMoodyRazu · 10/08/2018 00:36

I'd simply be telling him that your not going, to let you know when he's ready to discuss arrangements to be made with respect to the DC's for the day. I would also be separately sending apologies to the SIL about your non attendance.

SpareASquare · 10/08/2018 00:37

You absolutely should not have to go but why on earth wouldn't you send the children with their father if that's what he wants?

Mummaloves · 10/08/2018 00:44

Wallywobbles advice is shit, what person with any ounce of decency would send a message to their OHs family like that before he had told them himself that there were issues in the marriage. And also steal attention from the SILs wedding.
I think you should just go and maybe dodge the evening dragging on by saying the kids need to go to bed. Don't make him look an idiot at his sisters wedding by making him go alone when the family don't yet know there's problems between you. And don't use a kids afternoon nap as an excuse not to go either. Amazes me how people are willing to miss a huge family event like a wedding because a kid needs a nap !

SpiritedLondon · 10/08/2018 01:02

I think whether you go or not the children can still go if he wishes. I don’t really see what power you have to deny it. He of course will have to manage the issue of supervision during the day and the repercussions of missed naps. I wouldn’t feel obliged to go myself though. Your husband has plenty of time to tell his family what’s going on but he’s choosing not to - presumably because he hopes to talk you around.

piefacedClique · 10/08/2018 09:26

We had a similar thing at our wedding... BIL and wife had separated a few weeks before wedding. They live at far end of country so nieces couldn’t be dropped off by their mum. She ended up coming to the wedding and reception with the children so they could be there as she wouldn’t allow them to come down without her. It was very awkward for both her and my husbands family but in the long run they were pleased that the kids were able to come and be part of the photos etc. To most people hey had no idea they had separated as BIL was on the top table anyway. Maybe going with the kids is an option and bringing them home straight after the meal or whenever in the reception they get too tired. No one needs to make a massive fuss about it and it saves embarrassment for families and stops the children missing out. It might also smooth things over for when you actually separate and maybe he will be a bit more amicable?

Shoxfordian · 10/08/2018 09:32

Let him go with the children and look after them himself all day. He's going to have to be able to look after them on his own soon anyway. Go do something else nice yourself.

MeyMary · 10/08/2018 09:34

You don't have to go. It sounds like it would be better (for you) if you didn't, tbh. Well, at least imo.

But it's your children's family and he is their father, which is why I would let them attend (unless you had safety concerns).

Why don’t the kids attend the ceremony then pick them up so STBXH can enjoy the evening without being responsible for young kids who really won’t enjoy it and should be in bed

I like this idea. But I could see the children (especially the older one) being upset about having to leave early... But that obviously depends on the children.

piefacedClique · 10/08/2018 09:34

In the grand scheme of things it a few hours of a day of you take them and it might make your skin crawl but in out case everyone was grateful that the children were able to come and it gave i laws family less opportunity to bitch about the ex

Dreamingofkfc · 10/08/2018 09:37

Why would you send a 2 year old and four year old for the evening? I'd either go or let them go with him, he won't be too busy, I'm sure family will support him

SillySallySingsSongs · 10/08/2018 09:37

DC are 2 and 4, SIL has made no effort to see either kids in the last 6 months accept to pick outfits for them to wear.

Are they part of the wedding party?

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 10/08/2018 09:39

Probably not going to be a popular opinion but you still want to get on with these people. They are presumably going to still be spending time with your children. I don't think announcing your split basically at the same time as their wedding is going to go down well. I know this isn't your fault as your husband should have told them before but I think I would suck it up for one more day for the sake of keeping a good relationship with them. And maybe disappearing at the kids bedtime so you don't have to stay long

Starlight345 · 10/08/2018 09:42

I would let him take the kids assuming you weren’t getting divorced they would be there all day. It’s a lesson in life for him that is how it is when the children are there

PeridotCricket · 10/08/2018 09:42

Your kids are still going to be part of his family when you get divorced. And you aren’t going to be able to completely cut yourself off from his family once you are divorced. Use this as practice for getting through future events like this.

Christenings, birthdays, weddings, graduations....

It’s not all about you and your Stbx husband....

Littlechocola · 10/08/2018 09:42

I would let the children go with him