Another wedding one

[Seethefieldwhereigrowmyfucks]

First time poster long time lurker so please be kind!
My marriage is over, I want to end it but my husband refuses to accept this and is insisting on marriage counselling.

There is a family wedding in the coming weeks SIL is getting married and STBXH (i wish) still expects me to attend with DC.

I've said no and DC can attend in the evening as he'll be too busy all day to look after 2 small children plus the wedding ceremony is early afternoon and littlest should be napping at the time of the ceremony.

AIBU to

1. Not attend the wedding - he's not told his family about our issues and says I'm creating drama for attention. I want a divorce he has had ample opportunity to tell his family.
2. To not send small children to a wedding all day especially given it runs over naps (won't sleep if not at home because of too much going on) but send them later to reception having had good sleep.

Wedding is local so I can easily drop DC off.

STBXH is being vile as usual and refuses to discuss anything other than mine and DC full attendance, I don't have the energy to play happy families for a full day and don't see why I should.

I don’t understand why you don’t send the kids with their dad. He is also their parent so should be able to look after them at his family wedding. What happens at the wedding or how is chooses to mind them on the day is not your concern any more, if they are tired and cranky that’s his problem

I wouldn't go. If he's attending and wants to take the children I would leave him to it, he's their father. It's odd his family don't know though.

I wouldn’t go to the wedding. I think it would be torture. But I agree it would be better for the children to go to the daytime (ceremony and meal) then you pick them up in the early evening. At least that way they can be in the photos of SIL wants them there in their nice frocks.

I think YANBU in not wanting to go but you should send the children for the ceremony and pick them up in the evening if they are too tired. Honestly missing one days nap won't do any damage, their dad can deal with them being cranky.

YANBU not to go. But you can't stop him taking your joint children.

I think it depends on the relationships you have with his family members. Obviously SIL is not a favourite with you (and I can see why). But are you close to any of the others? If you are, it might be a good tactic to turn up and be really nice to them, so that when he starts telling them what an absolute bitch you are, or whatever, they’ll have recent evidence to the contrary.

Otherwise, send him along with the kids. They’re his kids, so presumably he knows how to look after them?

Don't go to the wedding. You'll end up forever in their family photos only to separate shortly after.

I would let him take the children if that's what he wants, but be prepared to pick them up if they get too tired.

Your kids are still going to be part of his family when you get divorced. And you aren’t going to be able to completely cut yourself off from his family once you are divorced. Use this as practice for getting through future events like this

yeah, the kids are, op isn't - she wont have to attend any more events if she doesn't want to and if her ex husband wants his children at his family events then he needs to take responsibility for them!

As the wedding is imminent I'd choose the path of least resistance and avoid any drama. I'd go the the wedding and so make sure the DC are looked after, you can then remove them if they get restless during the service. Once the reception starts I'd take DC home and then he can party.
I would also consider counselling, if there has been no abuse, it can be a useful tool to get him to accept that the relationship is over.

I assume OP doesn't want the kids to go during the day as (STBX)H is part of the wedding party (best man? groomsman? usher?) and won't be able to have them with him all the time due to his wedding duties?

If this is the case I would just go with them for the ceremony (as you won't have to have much to do with him if he's busy) and take them home in the evening. His family are still your DC family even if you divorce, there are some things you'll just need to suck up.

You really sound like you don't want to go so don't. Explain now that you won't be going to wedding and at least they will have time to process the news - no drama then on big day. Let him bring kids if he wants for the day time and be on stand by for the phone call to collect them when they get cranky bored tired. Don't let him bully you into going if you really don't want to.

Tell him he can have the kids for the weekend but you aren’t going.

I wouldn’t be hanging around and facilitating this.

If you live locally and feel generous tell him he can drop them off post ceremony if her fancies it.

ur kids are still going to be part of his family when you get divorced. And you aren’t going to be able to completely cut yourself off from his family once you are divorced. Use this as practice for getting through future events like this

yeah, the kids are, op isn't - she wont have to attend any more events if she doesn't want to and if her ex husband wants his children at his family events then he needs to take responsibility for them!

OPs kids are probably going to want grandparents or cousins at birthday parties. Their own weddings
?? Being able to be civil and getting on with ex and their family (if there hasn't been abuse or similar) unhelpful in the long run