Had to walk away from colleague...

[TravelEdit]

My colleague does my head in. She moans, and moans, and moans, about everything! Last straw was today, she was moaning that she had put on weight and blamed it on the weather, because she eats more when it's hot, then went on about how the weather slows down her metabolism, and that even if she 'only ate 500 calories a day' she would still get fat, then turned to me and started said she would look like me soon if this heatwave doesn't end pronto (I'm 6 months pregnant). I walked away. I wanted to tell her that the reason she has put on weight is because she eats a packet of biscuits before lunch every day and that I am in fact pregnant, not fat!

How do you cope with people who think they are so hard done by? Who have excuses for everything? I'm so bad at holding my tongue and I fear I may explode! (Pregnancy hormones not helping either!(

My point was simply that this is entirely different! I have taken advice on board and realise there's absolutely no point in me saying something and causing a drama before I go on mat leave in 8 weeks - however I am 'moaning' about something that is a genuine issue for me, not whether someone looked at me funny or gave me a smaller portion of chips than the lady in front. There's a difference between that and being a serial 'the world is conspiring against me'

Anyway. Point noted!

@zzzzz because in the moment I couldn't be bothered with the drama it would likely cause, so I just walked away. It's nothing to do with people liking me? I couldn't really care less. I see your point but sometimes it's just easier to ignore the idiocy! And yes, have a rant on mn!

I worked with someone who was always moaning about how busy she was, she had to stay late every night, no matter what section she was on. No one else did when they worked the same section.
She had health issues which involved much huffing and puffing and dramatic sneezing, coughing, dark glasses worn inside etc. I once came in to find her leaning in the corner of the stairwell, saying she couldn't possibly walk up the stairs. I'm not overly diplomatic first thing in the morning so I walked past her and said she'd have to stay there all day then.
When she wasn't attention seeking she was lovely, but we all found it tedious to have to listen to her moaning so we learnt to ignore it!

A former colleague was like this. We used to go out for fag breaks and she relied on me going with her. Eventually, after listening to her rant and vent for some weeks, I told her I was going to stop coming out with her because it bored me and she could do a, b and c to to tackle all the issues she moaned about. She was a bit taken aback, I think but actually took steps to tackle the big issues. The constant negativity was such a downer, I dreaded our chats!

Could she be depressed ?

She is not going to know that her problems are affecting you unless you tell her

From my perspective the problem lies with you , you need to tell her that you can't cope with her moaning .

Can you compartmentalise her? Tell her 'I've really got to concentrate on this task so cant chat' then headphones on, any attempt to interrupt met with 'can't chat', bust out a hour of work, then give her 5 mins of moaning time (play bingo with negative statements to keep yourself from strangling her).

My MIL is lovely but a bit of Debbie Downer so I just let her have a few minutes and then ask cheerily 'Any thing you did enjoy?' Or change the subject and refuse to be negative. She is slowly getting the negative habit is a bit of a conversation stopper.

If none of this works talk to your manager, she is impacting on your work

@TravelEdit this is actually making me think about myself , I moan a lot because I need to offload or it makes me ill . I have had people tell me they can't stand my negativity but people don't realise how detrimental keeping things inside is for me ... people have committed suicide from keeping things inside , they can also turn to alcohol and drugs to cope . A counsellor is not available 24/7 . If you can positively recommend ways to help her this may help or be happy in her presence instead of zoning out and she may catch your happiness .

Moaners are everywhere not just at work - sometimes using Transactional Analysis can work.... although I've only ever managed to achieve reaching the level aimed at teenagers but it's still helped a lot.

@zzzzz - the problem is that thanks to cultural Marxism the world has got so politically correct that people can't have honest conversations in the workplace for fear they'll be hauled into a disciplinery.

Ask her if there's anything nice in her life. If she looks astonished, use the silence to suggest that so far absolutely everything in her life is horrible and miserable and that you have found that ending a moan with one thing smiley makes the whole world a better place.

It won't get you sacked, it

@zzzzz *Why can’t you say, “I’m not fat I’m pregnant.”?? confused
Why can’t you say “if you want to stop gaining weight you probably need to eat less regardless of the weather”?? confused

You sound like you are blaming her for not being able to contribute honestly to the interaction. Just speak up and stop being so desperate for everyone to like you that you can’t be direct or honest about things.*

That's to sjws the level of honesty you suggested could land you with your p45

I agree that in the workplace, if you can stomach another 8 weeks without saying anything, that is a perfectly valid strategy and then having a quiet word with HR when you come back about changing your seating arrangement. I have never regretted holding back on a sharp comment at work, however justified. Feelings get hurt and you still have to work with that person.

However, I don't agree with lola. You are pregnant and even if not, entitled to work in conditions that do not cause you stress. (Fake) earphones sound like a good way to deflect being a sound absorber for gratuitous moaning.

Stick it out until you go on mat leave. With any luck she will have left by the time you get back, or you won't be sitting near her.

This will probably sound offensive, but this is why I don’t like working with some older female colleagues (I’m 22).

I just find the constant moaning, constant gossiping about other colleagues or bitching about other colleagues social media posts, comments on my food/weight/outfits (I’m slim), constant discussion of their kids/mundane lives etc beyond tiring. Then of course this is finished off with a sprinkling of ageism on their behalf (ie you’re young so must be stupid/inefficient etc, when in reality they can’t even carry out basic tasks on their computer!)

""there's absolutely no point in me saying something and causing a drama before I go on mat leave in 8 weeks - however I am 'moaning' about something that is a genuine issue for me""

It isn't that much of an issue for you, in the same way that your colleague's weight isn't for her, or you would both tackle it. Either that or it's catching .

lola212121, you haven't got the right to inflict misery in others and use them as your personal counselors. You need to find other ways of dealing with what's going on. The person you are moaning to might have genuine problems and doesn't need to listen to you.

What made me be straight and tell people to take it somewhere else, was having to keep working whilst my DH was terminal and having issues getting two of my children with SN what they needed.

You have the right to protect your own MH and not put up with continuous whining, which has been shown to be detrimental.

this is actually making me think about myself , I moan a lot because I need to offload or it makes me ill . I have had people tell me they can't stand my negativity but people don't realise how detrimental keeping things inside is for me

lola You sound very selfish. What about how detrimental it is for other people who have to listen to you "offload"? What if you are negatively affecting someone else's mental health?

There's someone like this at work and I avoid her like the plague, but it's not always possible. She is unbelievably negative, self-absorbed, selfish and lacks self awareness. The ironic thing is that she complains about others 'always turning the conversation on to themselves' which is exactly what she does every single time, and I've worked with her for 5 years so believe me, I know. There was this one time I went through a period of complaining about my work to her; I guess I felt at the time complaining was the only thing I had in common with her so I kind of confided in her for a period of about 2 months (not daily, maybe twice a week!). Anyway, after many years of me listening to her incessant ranting, she looked at me, tilted her head and went 'well if you're not happy maybe you should leave; I mean don't get me wrong, I'd hate to see you leave because I like working with you, but you're my friend and I want to see you happy...'
Unbelievable.

Oh my God, I could have written this myself! I work in a small team of 3 consisting of myself, Negative Lady and our line manager.

I find it SO draining. She is constantly moaning about EVERYTHING.

Usually her lack of money. A few examples...

I eat my lunch at my desk and she moans constantly that she is starving. I usually say "oh why don't you go and get something for lunch", the answer is always that she can't afford it. It's rained the last two days, she has complained that her house leaks, yet she cannot afford to get it fixed. Yet she gets her nails done and smokes 20 a day! I find it very hard to bite my tongue.

She genuinely does not have a good word to say about anything. She was stood right next to my desk the other week with 2 colleagues, they were just moaning about everything and anything (I find that it's probably quite contagious) - I said loudly (in front of my boss) "OMG come on guys, it's all just moan moan moan, it's Friday afternoon, cheer up, it's draining!!!". They all looked quite shocked, Negative Lady glared at me, the other two laughed, apologised and walked off. I just rolled my eyes at my boss.

Later in the day I brought it up with my boss and just said I find it SO hard to be around her. I go home and find myself in a bad mood because of her constant moaning about everything. He agreed!

Now I just combat her whinging with happy, smug tales of my own. If she says she is poor, I say "yeah I would really struggle if I didn't have two jobs... life is what you make it hey!!". If she says she is hungry "yep, I would be if I didn't eat lunch too!!". It's the ONLY way to combat it.

Don't let her bring you down. Massive sympathies, I feel your pain!!

@zzzzz, in a previous post you wrote: *Why can’t you say, “I’m not fat I’m pregnant.”?? confused
Why can’t you say “if you want to stop gaining weight you probably need to eat less regardless of the weather”??

You sound like you are blaming her for not being able to contribute honestly to the interaction. Just speak up and stop being so desperate for everyone to like you that you can’t be direct or honest about things.*

My point was, largely thanks to the efforts of the pc brigade (of which you're a member, I've seen you try and derail previous threads because you didn't like the wording) that kind of honesty is likely to get you dragged into a disciplinary now adays.

@zzzzz - because, as you well know, whiners are know empowered to screach about bullying etc