Why do adults think they can be so nosy with children?

[noneshallsleep2]

DS (aged 10) is on crutches because of a long term hip condition.
When we're out in public, complete strangers will ask him "Oh, what have you done to yourself?" "Were you playing football?"
I know they're trying to be friendly, and that I'm being touchy, but I'm sure they wouldn't ask this of an adult on crutches.
DS or I usually shut the conversation down with "it's a hip condition".
DS hates it because it highlights he's "different".
PIL have suggested he starts making up outrageous accidents instead "I got it sky diving..."
But it drives me mad.

Some people quietly say to me "do you mind me asking ..." and I absolutely don't mind explaining. It's them putting DS on the spot that I hate.

YABU. People are just making conversation. Does it matter. He can just say yes.

They do ask adults too. My husband was on crutches for a couple of months and was asked a lot.
I'm sorry that you feel sensitive about it. I can understand as it makes your son uncomfortable but I do think YABU.

Most people like to be nice and friendly to children and it looks like his hurt himself so they are just asking. Most people feel a bit sorry for a child that looks like that are injured.

I doubt anyone is doing it to be mean or anything

It really is reaching the point where nobody can say damn anything, isn't it?

They are being friendly, showing an interest. It's how we function when there's 65m of us on one island.

And, actually, they probably would say a similar thing to an adult.

It's understandable for your son to feel uncomfortable but rather than collude with his annoyance teach him that this is how people show kindness.

GetTheStarty - thanks, that's interesting. I think people feel more comfortable asking personal questions of children than adults, but that's clearly not right!

I’d ask an adult, too. I can see why it would annoy your son though.

Definitely adults get it too. I suffer from chronic pain but have only used crutches at school drop off a couple of times. I generally stand by myself, occasionally join others if I know them to talk to but most people don’t join me (I’m not a monster honest!).

On the crutches days I had about 10 please come up to me asking what was wrong.

I think it is unusual to use crutches for a long term condition so these people who ask your son probably assume yes he broke his leg playing football or something and they feel sorry for him and like to give him a bit of attention. They wouldn't guess that he has a long term hip condition. I get that it would be a pain though for you both when it happens time and time again.

I had a kid who was tube fed. Once someone in a lift with us asked if he had aids... (completely bizarre), and on numerous occasions in the playground mothers would stop their children playing with him for fear of catching something. It was very upsetting because in fact he was the vulnerable one, not their precious little Moppets.

On the whole though, I found people who just outright asked What's up? why the tube? What does the pump do? That's a huge scar! etc... were just really nice friendly people who I was glad of conversation with during difficult times.

At the end of the day he WAS different and everyone could see it.... he told a few people he had wrestled a shark and we had a good laugh about it but on the whole people had good intentions and were really nice. Those interactions allowed me to raise a lot of awareness.

giveitfive - thanks for sharing your perspective - I like the shark story! That's a good point about using the opportunity to raise awareness

They do have adults too. I have a hip problem, some days I can walk completely unaided and others I walk with a limp and/or crutches. People always ask on the latter days what I’ve been doing to myself, they’re just making conversation I don’t think they mean anything bad by it.

My niece has a heavy limp due to hip dysplacia and she's now 25. She's always been asked and she'd say "It's a congenital hip disorder" or similar.

It IS annoying but it's one of those things OP....try to work on DS's self-confidence so he can cope better with his difference. Not an easy call I know.x

It is annoying, YANBU.

My brother has special needs and looks a little different. I was once asked on a bus by an older woman "what's wrong with him?" - not quite the same as your situation but I couldn't believe someone was so rude and blunt! Mind your own business!

Try going round with a baby/toddler with a facial disfigurement....

most upsetting.

'what have you done to her?'

'did you hit her?'

..or the best, just peering in to the pram, saying nothing..

I think nosiness is fine as long as it’s not combined with judgement. Could be describe merely as taking an interest in what’s going on with the people you meet.

I can understand why it would get frustrating OP being asked over and over but I think many people would just presume seeing a young lad on crutches that he'd hurt himself playing and are just making small talk.

what have you done to her?'

My son has a moderate sized mole above his lips, nothing severe or disfiguring. The amount of people who think he’s hurt himself is astonishing. I mean... it’s brown, bruises are black or blue or even yellowish. They’re never mole coloured in my experience. Just waiting for the day someone calls SS thinking I must have hurt him.

I prefer the ones who think it must be chocolate but even there there can be the veiled judgement that tsk tsk letting him eat chocolate/not cleaning his face after. It’s a mole guys. Doesn’t come of or contain added sugars.

I do let him have chocolate though.

I wear an insulin pump and a sensor. Sometimes alarms go off (it beeps) because I'm too high or low or need to replace something or calibrate. I'm 39 and when I get it out enough people ask me what it is. So they ask adults as well.

@Gottokondo totally off topic but do your kids try and insert cannula into themselves with the applicator? My two year old is always doing that (not with a cannula in it) and it always makes me sad because having a dad with type 1 I know he has an elevated risk of getting it too and I just thing, he wants to be like daddy and has no idea yet that in this particular respect he really really doesn’t.

Surely any conversation that you have repeatedly gets wearing and irritating. When you're pregnant or have a baby, all anyone wants to talk to you about is baby stuff. It's annoying but people don't know that you've already had that conversation 5 times that day. They're just trying to be nice.

""or the best, just peering in to the pram, saying nothing..""

I look into prams, I try to be discrete, because I love babies. If I'm feeling crap and spot a baby, it puts a smile on my face. My youngest DD dispairs. I used to stand grinning at the advert full of Newborns.

If I saw a baby with obvious health issues, I would possibly keep quiet, because anything that is said could be taken the wrong way. It also isn't for me to have an opinion, or have anything to say. I wouldn't comment on a Baby without health issues.

Some people have a genuine interest in children and like to engage with them. I've found that out since being out and about with my GD. I got judgement with my own, because was a younger Mum.

I was on crutches recently and was shocked at the amount of people who asked me why. I didn't mind it coming up in conversation but I objected to telling random strangers in the street. By the end I'd tell them it was none of their business.

The most annoying was at a work conference, when a man sitting behind me tapped me on the shoulder to ask. I get the 'oh he was just making conversation' but there were plenty of other things he could have asked about - my job/why I was there for starters

Absolutely adults ask other adults that!

DD was born with cleft lip and palate and a heart defect (among other things). She's also tube fed and had an Ng til 17 months when the peg was fitted.

Because of the heart condition she had to have her heart surgery before the cleft surgeons would touch her, and had to put on enough weight before the heart surgery, so until the age of about a year she had a large cleft lip and the Ng tube - cleft surgery is usually done early so it's unusual to see a child of that age with an unrepaired cleft in this country.

Generally people were lovely, and I strangely quite enjoyed explaining to children who are just naturally curious. We still get an occasional 'what's wrong with her?', and those people get an eye roll and are then ignored. The people who just stared, I used to smile merrily at, and say 'yes, she's absolutely beautiful isn't she?'. Because she was (and is).

One very serious eight year old once asked (very politely) about DD and listened to my explanation, then thought about it and said 'she does look different. No-one else here has such a lovely smile', which kept me going for a good six months.

Educating people is a good thing to do if you've the energy, but it's not actually your job and you mustn't feel bad if you just don't feel up to doing that at any particular time.

DDs scars don't get much air time as they're usually under her clothes, but I am totally nicking the 'wrestled a shark' line should we ever need it.

dinkydonky - that's it exactly. I had thought that people felt more able to ask a child than an adult, so I've been really surprised by the responses to this thread!