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AIBU?

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Original poster

Why do adults think they can be so nosy with children?

53 replies

noneshallsleep2 · 09/08/2018 10:53

DS (aged 10) is on crutches because of a long term hip condition.
When we're out in public, complete strangers will ask him "Oh, what have you done to yourself?" "Were you playing football?"
I know they're trying to be friendly, and that I'm being touchy, but I'm sure they wouldn't ask this of an adult on crutches.
DS or I usually shut the conversation down with "it's a hip condition".
DS hates it because it highlights he's "different".
PIL have suggested he starts making up outrageous accidents instead "I got it sky diving..."
But it drives me mad.

Some people quietly say to me "do you mind me asking ..." and I absolutely don't mind explaining. It's them putting DS on the spot that I hate.

OP posts:
Slimtimeagain · 09/08/2018 12:58

I think people are just making conversation. It is sad that people can't make chit chat these days. There are wars in the world and shootings and people are getting annoyed about the tiniest things. I'm just glad to Speak to other people some days.

UpstartCrow · 09/08/2018 13:04

"Oh, what have you done to yourself?" gets right up my nose. There must be better ways to talk to people than to imply they deliberately threw themselves down the stairs for attention from randoms.

Berniethecrabisthebest · 09/08/2018 13:07

Had brain surgery to remove a tumour when u was having the staples out the nurse asked me what I had been doing to myself Hmm

ItWasAlIADream · 09/08/2018 13:10

My son hit the corner of his eye when he was a baby it left a nasty bruise. I was constantly approached by strangers who asked how it happened. In a very accusing way. one called me a bitch because I ignored her when she approached me and shouted “What happened to his face?!”

Aragog · 09/08/2018 13:14

I have arthritis and sometimes struggle when walking, which means I might limp or hobble a little, or walk with slow laboured steps. People do ask whats wrong and if I have hurt myself - including strangers.

kaytee87 · 09/08/2018 13:16

I was in a wheelchair / on crutches for months recently and constantly got asked what I'd done to myself. I didn't mind explaining but did wonder how it would feel if I had a disability and it was every day for the rest of my life. So people do it to adults too op

SwarmOfCats · 09/08/2018 13:48

I have long term mobility problems, and am sometimes on crutches as a result. Often get asked what I’ve done to myself! I think people see the sticks as a conversation opener (a quick, “just an ongoing thing, no accidents!” shuts it down pretty quickly and politely).

dottypotter · 09/08/2018 15:42

they are just being friendly its life.

Booboostwo · 09/08/2018 15:59

It’s not friendly and it is not an appropriate subject for chit chat, it is a personal question and, often, people don’t even like the answer I get. DD is currenltly using a wheelchair and we get asked 3-4 times a day what has happened. Do they really want me to tell her she has a rare bone disease that was a bugger to diagnose? And now we’re dealing with a side effect which means she needed a limb lengthening operation, which is a horror and her pins have already gotten infected and the IV antibiotics were extremely awful. And no, it’s not going to get better, it is likely to get worse as the tumour grows and presses on her nerve.

Does any of that sound like a fun topic for a conversation? I’ve never asked a stranger who looked in any way different what had happened to them and even with a friend I would wait for them to bring up the topic if they wanted to talk about it. My best friend who died from breast cancer kept being asked why she had no hair during her chemo. Because she’s having fucking chemo which is fucking obvious from the total hair loss, sunken eyes, shallow skin and the fact she looks exhausted.

Original poster
noneshallsleep2 · 09/08/2018 16:13

Booboostwo - I'm so sorry that you and DD are going through this Flowers
I think people do genuinely think that they're being friendly, but don't appreciate what it's like on the receiving end. Personally, I'm slightly surprised that discussing medical conditions is regarded as friendly chit chat, but it takes all sorts ...

OP posts:
Flynnshine · 09/08/2018 16:19

I have a blind daughter who uses a white cane and is on chemotherapy so has no hair - she is 7, she wears quite girly clothes

My favourite is "what is wrong with HIM" and the ones who whisper "She's blind" like the loss of her sight also means she can't hear them!

Just ignore them, you can't let them get to you and if your son has a hip condition meaning he will always walk with an aid I am afraid he will have to learn to live with the comments because a lot of people are thoughtless and often rude!

DieAntword · 09/08/2018 21:04

Personally, I'm slightly surprised that discussing medical conditions is regarded as friendly chit chat, but it takes all sorts

Heh, you’ve obviously not met my mother. I’m not sure she’s capable of having a conversation that isn’t centred around her real and imagined ailments and crazy cures she’s read about for whatever ailments (real or imagined) she think you might suffer from.

JaretsGirlfren · 09/08/2018 21:19

My DD has eczema, at the minute her skin is great but at times it’s been awful, especially on her face. One morning waiting for her dance lesson a little boy (age about 8) came over and asked if she’d been in a car crash. I was a bit taken aback by his bluntness but explained what it was and he just accepted it. I didn’t mind explaining and DD who was about 4 at the time wasn’t too bothered either. Maybe it’s the way some people phrase it? Although I agree that it’s nobodies business!

DeadClic · 09/08/2018 21:32

@noneshallsleep2 I can sympathise with your son. I was born with a spinal deformity but was too weak to have it operated on until I was 14. After the surgery you wouldn't have been able to tell I was ever unwell but before the surgery I would be stopped all the time by well meaning adults. The feelings of self consciousness and utterly hating attention have never left me.
I do think it's really important for you to work through your feelings as your DS might take his cue from you as I did from my mother. Whether others are reasonable or not to ask, it would be a great support to your DS if you could teach him to view these comments as positive rather than negative

Original poster
noneshallsleep2 · 09/08/2018 23:31

Jarets - I can sympathise, my DS has bad eczema too (we call him Mr Lucky!), but I don’t mind talking to children - they (and dogs?!) find crutches fascinating!

Deadclic - yes, we just have to deal with it, and we’re pretty good at that. Bizarrely, I’ve found it heartening from this thread that people say the same daft things to adults as they do to children.

I think it was DinkyDonky up the thread that said she ended up telling strangers to mind their own business - I feel like that, but would never (and would not allow DS to) say that. I like the idea that we should use people’s comments as an opportunity to spread awareness, so I think that’s something very positive to come out of this thread

OP posts:
giveitfive · 12/08/2018 10:24

Sorry to chime in once more. But I genuinely think that oftentimes the "nosey chit chat" was an attempt at an in-road to connect.

Sometimes people are just fucking nosey, but most times I felt like people were reaching out to me, and to my son when we were an island of worry and anxiety.

When we are struggling it is easy to think everyone else is a nosey fucker or a wanker, but I made some good friends and found a deep well of kindness in the people that opened with "why does your kid have a tube?"..

People aren't always elegant in the way they try to connect and when we are tired, the go-to feeling is "for the love of god fuck off...I haven't slept in three days... I've told eleventybillion people about whats wrong with him already... would you like a sodding flyer about how much he weighs and why he's sucking on a pack of skips... fuck off... fuck off... fuck off...."

But....My experience... and I promise it is deep with this kind of thing, is that generally people are a bit nosey but mostly kind, and mostly reaching out in a good way... in fact... some of the apparently nosiest fuckers showed us the greatest kindness, and I am relieved I didn't give them short thrift when they asked the "rude" question...

There is a lot of goodness out there. Don't let the fact that life has given you the shit tinted glasses (for this point in your life), spoil your view of people... xxxx

mustbejokingright · 12/08/2018 11:28

People do ask adults when they're on crutches. I recently broke my leg and was asked what I'd done by all manner of people.

RosaMallory · 12/08/2018 11:32

I get hostile stares when ds1 has a public meltdown. He has aspergers and is quite attention grabbing at 6'1, screaming and shouting.
It's just what people do unfortunately. Just tell them it's a hip condition and carry on with what you're doing.

SleepingStandingUp · 12/08/2018 11:41

YABU. Does it matter actually yes, because it's making a child feel different and uncomfortable. I dread my son realising people see his medical condition before him, that people's primary focus is on what is WRONG with him.
I KNOW people are being nice but when you get asked day after day what is WRONG with him, oh POOR BABY, oh IT'S SO UNFAIR ON HIM etc, sometimes multiple times a day it gets draining.

Broussard · 12/08/2018 11:43

God, if no-one ever asked you'd be complaining about that "people don't care".
It's completely normal to ask an adult or child on crutches what they did to themselves. They assume an accident or fall etc. It's not rude, its human interaction.

knicksfan · 12/08/2018 11:51

People are exactly the same with adults. If I'm ever on crutches people always say "oh what have you done"
I've had a spinal cord injury for the last ten years. People can't help themselves

Duggee4ever · 12/08/2018 11:57

I use crutches on good days, wheelchair on bad. I was so sick of explaining it's a permanent thing and a condition not injury, that I bought bright red crutches. I thought folk would spit they were not NHS issue, so realise it was something longer term. Sadly, it makes no difference and I have to deal with the awkwardness people feel when they realise they shouldn't have asked

SleepingStandingUp · 12/08/2018 12:54

God, if no-one ever asked you'd be complaining about that "people don't care"

I very much doubt any one with a long term condition or a child with a long term condition is going to come on and say ^today when we went out no strangers asked for an explanation of mine / dc's medical condition, no one expressed pity at our lives or made either of us feel self conscious. Aibu to think the world just doesn't care about us^

LadyLaSnack · 12/08/2018 13:23

I have a limp as a result of life long hip surgeries. It’s not painful at the moment, I’m just off kilter. I get asked what I’ve done to myself all the time. It’s quite annoying - a regular reminder that I’m not normal.

Skittlesandbeer · 12/08/2018 13:33

Our whole family uses ‘shark attack’ as the reason for practically any visible injury.

Started when I had an ear operation at a 9yo, and had my whole damn head bandaged like a cartoon character for several weeks. Couldn’t set foot outside without every man and his goldfish asking about it. Saying ‘shark attack’ about a kid’s head wound shocked some of them so badly, I had time to make my escape. It helped that we were in Australia, where it’s actually feasible!

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