To think we are doomed to repeat our parents’ mistakes?

[Sevendown]

Almost 20 years ago my 17 year old friend got pregnant.

It wasn’t an accident, Mum had a difficult childhood and wanted her own home/family.

At the time I remember reading that children of teenage Mums were more likely to become teenage Mums themselves and I wondered if my friend would become a 30 something granny (still seemed old to my teen self).

Mum loved her dc but the child’s life was a car crash (separation/criminality/substance misuse/parental mental health problems/domestic abuse/truancy/self harm).

Found out said child is now expecting a child in their teens. No job. No home.

It’s such a sad waste.

Why does history repeat itself?

A generation ago I thought someone in her position could still make a go of it. There are so many positive stories out there. But now I’m so cynical. Is this child doomed to repeat all the difficulties?

Is there no escape from this cycle of poverty and trauma?

I (so far) haven't made my parents' mistakes.

But I have made plenty of new ones of my own.

There was a thing for a couple of generations where kids were expected to to achieve more than their parents. Sadly, that seems to be dwindling.
It does seem to follow though, that if a child is born to a younger mum they are more likely to get pregnant at a young age.
We do learn from our parents.
We learn our parenting skills and general standards.
Before everyone jumps on me I’d like to add that sometimes it all goes tits up, regardless of opportunities or parenting

It's very hard to move away from what we know and what is familiar. The Blair gvt tried it, but the tories closed it down.

To me, it's like an old fashioned video tape... You can press polar,and stop and rewind, but the tape continues playing.

As Philip Larkin said,
They fuck you up your mum and dad,
They may not mean to, but they do
They fil your had with the troubles they had,
And add some extra, just for you

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in extra something something (frocks and coats)
Who half ypthe time were sloppy stern
And half at one another's throats

Man hands on inhumanity to man
It deepens like a coastal shelf
Get out as quickly as you can
And don't have any kids yourself!

To the two PPs above me, you are missing the point... Bullies go on to bulley, abused children become abusers. Adults repeat the pattern of their childhoods. That's why it's important we get it right

keep that’s so depressing!

My XHs Dad walked out on his Mum and him. He vowed he would never do the same, he would never be his Dad. Guess what he did? He cheated and left in almost identical circumstances. I think there's something that almost makes it "normal" or at least an option when your parent/s have made the same decision.

Cherished children given love, boundaries and opportunities often go on to do the same

I think it's also the other way.
Things our parents do and we don't like we avoid like the plague.

Things like my parents would never eat out. We'd go for a day out and out would come the cold box, a large hard awkward shaped which bangs your legs when you walk. In which we would have:
2 bottles of frozen grapefruit squash, which didn't defrost in time to actually have enough to drink. Ham sandwiches on brown bread. Fruit cake, homemade, cut into pieces before putting into the cold box and by the time we go to eat it had fallen into crumbs. Salad. A piece of fruit each. And a cloth covered in Dettol to wash our hands before we began.
I became an expert in disposing said food without being caught.

I now will do almost anything to avoid taking a packed lunch.

No I don't agree. Yes, it happens and yes, we usually work from our experience. But we are also curious and thoughtful, heavily motivated by love. You do not always make the same mistakes. I know I have thought long and hard about my childhood experience - the good and the bad. It's about making active choices rather than 'inert parenting' : I actively seek the different path. It's possible.

aintnothingbutaheartache I recited that to bump every day I was pregnant!

I'm afraid it is true that children - and adults walk in the path of their comfort zone. And their comfort zone is what is familiar to them.

What we model is what they do. Hence why it's so so important to do things right by them.

My parents were wonderful, loving people you gave me and my sibs a childhood full of fantastic memories.
However, they both smoked very heavily throughout the 70’s & 80’s.
Half of us used to pinch their fags the other half swore blind they would never smoke as long as they lived.
Choices

To some extent yes, I think you do follow in your parents' footsteps but there is also an element of choice.

I grew up with a girl whose mother walked out on the family when her youngest (my friend) was 7. I lost touch with her aged about 20 but heard recently that she'd walked out on her own family when her youngest was about 7 too. I found it really hard to understand how she could do that, knowing the hurt and devastation that she'd felt herself. I still don't understand it, TBH.

I've also known people make choices based on not doing what their parents did, rightly or wrongly, including myself.

Bloody influential figures, these parents, whichever way you look at it.

Anecdotally, me and my mum could barely be more different. She was a teen mom, I had DD in my mid twenties. She has felt like she had to stay in shitty relationships and never been single, I've always left when unhappy and am now happily long term single. She's never touched an illegal drug but is an alcoholic, I've dabbled in illegal drugs occasionally but prefer to stay away from everything and drink only occasionally. She barely finished school, I'm at uni and had many qualifications before going.

Like a PP has said about themselves, I'm certainly not repeating my DM's mistakes but have made plenty of my own.

Looking at it though, though we grew up in the same area I received a very different education and was always encouraged both at school and home to do my best. I know that wasn't her experience. I wonder if that has been key in terms of social mobility.

Do you think it’s about learning a basic level of standards?
Our parents teach us self respect (or not)
Feeling loved and respected from a young age gives us strength.

In my case, my childhood had a resounding feel of 'this isn't how I want to live, it's not ok' so I grasped my education with both hands. I imagine if that feeling wasn't there, my life would be very similar to DM's. I reckon which way you're going to go is something really individual.

Google attachment theories; it's more about expectations than choices. If you experience a stable loving family then you expect this for your future and won't accept anything less. Whereas if you experience neglect in childhood then you don't expect to be loved, you expect to have to be self reliant because you expect others to let you down, so you will be drawn to people who reinforce those expectations (the comfort of familiarity, as others have mentioned)

Well, so far me and my siblings have managed not to beat, sexually abuse, or abandon our children...
It's not an imperative to repeat parents' mistakes.

Some where I heard that you will parent the way your parents did, except for the things you really hated - that you said you'd never do to your kids. I had an enormous list and have mostly had success in sticking to it. My grown children still love me and choose to spend time with me, which I see as a huge improvement. My eldest has told me she'd like me to be nosier

LittleKitty "Whereas if you experience neglect in childhood then you don't expect to be loved, you expect to have to be self reliant because you expect others to let you down" - this struck home. I've never been able to trust relying on someone else, so my parenting style reflects developing being able to trust. Hopefully my kids will have a better foundation. If you've ever heard Barbara Coloroso speak, my mental toolbox had a hatchet. I'd use it and then read self help books to fix the mess I'd made.

My dad was a serial adulterer/absentee father (as was his father) and my mom EA (like her father). Neither my brother nor I have followed in their footsteps, so it is possible to make changes to previous parenting history.

I agree and disagree. I’ve akways loved that Phillip Larkin poem though.
My friend was abandoned by both her mum and dad and a young age. Was bought up by her grandparents.
She went on to be a really bad parent to her children, foster care etc.
She’s now a grandmother herself, and bitterly regrets her choices.
My oh was also abandoned by his mum. (No dad he ever knew). Was bought up by his nan. As was his mum, and her mum before. He’s a fantastic dad to our children, and I know that he would never turn his back no matter what.
My dad was a serial adulterer. I’d always swore I’d never take infildelty. And I never would.
Some follow the footsteps their parents left. Others go the complete opposite way.
But yes, our childhood shapes us. In one way shape or form.

It certainly shapes us.
I feel very lucky to have had the childhood I had.
Yes I’ve made mistakes (haven’t we all) but ultimately I reckon it’s all turned out well.
I now try to give my kids what I was given . So far so good.
Maybe that’s it.

**I think it's also the other way.
Things our parents do and we don't like we avoid like the plague.

I think this is how it is for me. My mother has always been a bit daft about men. When I was about 16, I watched her have an extramarital affair with a married man who used to tell her that she was his perfect woman and that they were star-crossed soulmates, and who would then see her twice a year (if she was lucky) for a furtive shag in a hotel. She wasn't allowed to text or call him in the meantime. A couple of years after they broke up, she got into the same situation with another married man (who made a pass at her for the first time when he was drunk - which was basically his normal state - and in front of his wife).

I've veered to the other extreme and have basically been celibate all my life. I've never experienced - or felt the lack of - romantic/ sexual love, although there are many people in my life whom I love dearly in other ways. I'm happy with my life but my parent's mistakes have definitely shaped me.

I (so far) haven't made my parents' mistakes.
But I have made plenty of new ones of my own.

^ That! Gran married a cheating bully (rich handsome) but stayed married 60 yrs.
My mom had a shotgun wedding at age 17 & was divorced by 21.
Her sister married an abuser, left him quickly, remarried & long marriage about 10 yrs later.
I didn't settle with anyone until early 30s after I had degrees & career.

Two posts in and it the fault of the Tories

My mum was a teenage mum, my biggest sister became a teenage mum. We all held our breath till her daughter got past that age.

Part of the problem was my parents chose to deny everything and basically just say "no" with no rhyme or reason. So my sister never knew why they were being do draconian and rebelled. But actually they were just trying to stop her repeating their mistake. If they'd sat us down and said "look, this is why we worry...".

Woulda coulda shoulda, I guess.

I think it would be natural to follow in parents footsteps, but you can make a conscious decision not to nut it may require additional help and support