To think we are doomed to repeat our parents’ mistakes?

[Sevendown]

Almost 20 years ago my 17 year old friend got pregnant.

It wasn’t an accident, Mum had a difficult childhood and wanted her own home/family.

At the time I remember reading that children of teenage Mums were more likely to become teenage Mums themselves and I wondered if my friend would become a 30 something granny (still seemed old to my teen self).

Mum loved her dc but the child’s life was a car crash (separation/criminality/substance misuse/parental mental health problems/domestic abuse/truancy/self harm).

Found out said child is now expecting a child in their teens. No job. No home.

It’s such a sad waste.

Why does history repeat itself?

A generation ago I thought someone in her position could still make a go of it. There are so many positive stories out there. But now I’m so cynical. Is this child doomed to repeat all the difficulties?

Is there no escape from this cycle of poverty and trauma?

I was a result of an accidental pregnancy and so was my son. That's all I have in common with my parents mistakes.
I married my son's father. We built a house together. We are very focused on the family needs rather than the individual.
We have had another child. We have the dog and 2 cats.

I'm also keen not to repeat his parents mistakes either.

I have almost the opposite experience of many of the pp. I grew up wanting for nothing, my DF came from a wealthy but very emotionally cold background, my DM from a working class background where they struggled for money and had an abusive father. I was brought up being constantly reminded how privileged I was, and with immense pressure to succeed as my parents had done. They always phrased it as ‘just do your best’ but their expectation was always that my best should be better than everyone else. Failure was unacceptable, and failure was getting a B rather than an A. But me getting 100% in exams wasn’t worth more than a passing ‘well done’. They would openly sneer about me ending up working in Mac Donald’s if I didn’t try my hardest. They were incredibly strict, so I ended up with no friends and no social life as a teen. They chose all my clothes and I wasn’t allowed to dye my hair or have any control over my own appearance even when buying things with my own money. I had to work through school holidays (often for free in a ‘voluntary’ capacity) from age 15 as anything else was deemed ‘lazy’ by my parents. I wasn’t allowed to ‘waste’ my expensive education doing something creative (and they had to financially support me as due to their income I got minimum loan that didn’t even cover two terms accommodation), so i took my only option and I did what they wanted me to do, went to a top uni for an academic course. I had a breakdown, dropped out of uni and got pregnant a while later. I stopped talking to them for months as they claimed depression and anxiety weren’t real and I should just suck it up and get on with it, when they knew I was self harming and suicidal. Me having a baby at 21, was to them, as abhorrent as being a teenage parent. I’ve ended up with severe MH problems, and no real sense of self as it was never allowed to blossom, I feel guilt and shame constantly, I am almost never truly happy. Otherwise they were good parents, but the smallest thing can set off a cycle of negative events. They wanted ‘the best’ for me, but their attitude meant I will never be able to achieve it, the pressure broke me.

I will be letting DD do whatever makes her happy in her life supporting her wholeheartedly, as to me that is far more important than gaining wealth and prestige. I’m sure I’ll end up fucking her up somehow, but I hope to avoid her having the same problems with low self esteem and shame that I have.

I am not at all making the same mistakes as my mother. I am not an alcoholic, or neglectful or leaving my kids with neighbours all week. I make sure they get to school clean and prepared. I drive them to places they need to go. I give them their own pocket money so they don’t have to beg off friends.

But I understand what you mean. In our family there is a crab in a bucket mentality, when one gets a little too high up and close to success, the others have to pull them down back to their level. No one should be seen to be better or more successful than anyone else. My own mum often remarks that I have too many friends and too many interests. I can’t even be friendly or creative without criticism.

silk

That’s emotional abuse.

It happens in families rich and poor.

Well, my mum was an older mum, and now I am an older mum too. But I remember always having to say ‘I love you’ to my mum first, and always seeing my dad show her affection but her not give it back. I always make sure I tell my DS how much I love him, every day, he never has to ask for it, and I try to make sure I give as much affection as I get, with either him or DH. I will not let those things repeat. It is a choice.

I am not like my parents. Nor are any of my sisters. We were brought up with abuse, violence, neglect, abandonment, no education and ended up in the care system. No-one had any expectations of us.

We are all happily married with children, and some grandchildren, of our own. Five (of 6) of us have been married for over 25 years. None of us have abused or neglected our children. We all have good jobs and (most of) our children are university educated.

Everyone has it in them to stop the cycle. Some people will need help and some will achieve it regardless. But, as adults, we have the power to dictate how we live our lives and there comes a point in your life when your choices cannot be blamed on your childhood.

I am a good parent and I had kids with a man who is also a good parent. We are happy together and our kids are happy.

I have, however, spent 10 years in therapy to achieve this. Being happy and having a happy family is the achievement of my life. I still have to pinch myself that it's all real.