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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have expected more help and support

42 replies

Horridhenry88 · 08/08/2018 19:50

So dd3 has been having toileting issues. Well basicially she has been refusing to wear pants and pretty much refuses to sit on toilet. She is nearly 5 years old. I have had support from nursery and 0 to 5 team but nothing had worked.
Out if desperation I visited GP go referral to confidence services.
GP basically said that in India they toilet train at 18 months and they don't have these issues but over here is different.
Basically told me to use sticker charts and return in two weeks if still having issues. Like I haven't tried this for the last year.
So AIBU to have expected more.

OP posts:
CherryPavlova · 08/08/2018 19:59

Not sure what you expect your GP to do that you can’t. She’s five. She isn’t in charge you are. You have to take a firmer line. Yes rewards but sounds like you might have taken stress levels up into a big deal.
Leave her without knickers on. Get a potty out and tell her that’s where she goes to lavatory. She might well prefer potty to lavatory.
If she has ‘accidents’ give her a cloth and tell her to clean it up. No fuss, not much comment just get her to clean up. Unless she has learning difficulties she’s perfectly capable of understanding what is required. Obviously you’ll have to clean properly later.

nuttyknitter · 08/08/2018 20:05

That sounds so stressful OP - I really would expect your GP to be able to refer to a specialist clinic.
Please don't listen to advice to be firm and get her to clean it up - I'm disgusted that anyone could advocate such cruel Victorian attitudes.

Original poster
Horridhenry88 · 08/08/2018 20:09

I think I just wanted someone in authority to talk to her as she has been getting so distressed about the feel of pants. Wasn't sure if there was something sensory behind it. Or a referral to a more specialised team.
All she suggested was sticker charts which are just not effective for Dd. I tried stickers. I tried coins in a jar. etc etc. I have done all the ignoring strategies etc etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Horridhenry88 · 08/08/2018 20:13

I think the GPS comment about potty training at 18 months got to me as my mil has said similar about dh and dbil. This was done in from of dd2 who also struggled with this issue. Really not a helpful thing to say.

OP posts:
quitefranklyabsurd · 08/08/2018 20:22

Always remember that our parents generation and before were super keen to potty train because they used terrys nappies.

I would just try and remove the stress from it all. She will know she's getting a reaction and will play to it.

I'd also go back to the doctor and push for a referral to a specialist.

lulu12345 · 08/08/2018 20:22

I do sympathise with you OP as I'm sure this is really stressful for you and you're liking around everywhere for help but to be honest I don't think this is a health issue that should be paid for out of limited NHS resources. Sorry.

Aprilshowersinaugust · 08/08/2018 20:27

Incentives /advantages of being a 'big girl in pants', shopping trip for new pants - trip to include cake /milkshake.
Be allowed to browse online at new pants!
Be allowed to pay at the till for new pants!
If she is the youngest maybe it's her way of staying the baby of the family?

Original poster
Horridhenry88 · 08/08/2018 20:36

Thanks for tips tried the choose your own pants method and she point blank refused. Previously I purchased some of her favourite character ones. These were also rejected.
If this issue is not worthy of NHS resource lulu than why do such services exist.?

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 08/08/2018 20:42

I would go back in two weeks as requested but is Dee someone more empathetic. It is certainly not normal for a child this age and you asking for support is absolutely correct.

Imagine if you sent her to school still in nappies and hadn’t asked for help; you’d probably be accused of neglect.

Have you approached your HV for advice? I appreciate you probably haven’t seen her in ages but they do have a remit of 0-5.

Original poster
Horridhenry88 · 08/08/2018 20:56

I have been in touch with 0 to 5 team for the last year or so. Had loads of phone chats and they have pretty much run out of suggestions.
Anyway this is my focus for the next two weeks. We will crack this before she starts full time school.
I would hate her to be teased.

OP posts:
Eliza9917 · 08/08/2018 20:58

I think I read they don't help until 7 years old.

Booboostwo · 08/08/2018 21:02

Some of the responses on this thread are bloody appalling.

You do not need to be firm with her, in fact if this is a sensory or stress related issue being firm is likely to make things a lot worse. And of course it is an NHS worthy problem, not only could she have a physical cause behind this reluctance but the NHS rightly helps people with behavioral and mental health issues.

I suggest you join an FB group specializing on children with toile in difficulties and you should get a lot of good ideas of what to try and help on how to get your GP to be more proactive. I am sorry I don’t know of a specific group for toileting but the sensory group I am part of which deals with food issue has been a godsend. Also has the advantage that you don’t have to put up with idiotic advice from people who toilet trained one or two kids and can’t imagine what it is like to have a child who refuses.

Foodylicious · 08/08/2018 21:05

Just a thought, have you tried her in boxer shorts?
She really might just find pants uncomfy, and has not got stuck on being anxious about them.

Neshoma · 08/08/2018 21:05

See your HV or school nurse - they can also make referrals to the continence service.

Original poster
Horridhenry88 · 08/08/2018 21:06

Thank you . I think part of me wants her to be checked out medically as 0 to 5 team did say her urine should be checked but I haven't been able to get a sample.

OP posts:
Foodylicious · 08/08/2018 21:08

And can you give a bit more info about what she does instead of using the toilet?
Does she have bladder control loss accidents, or does she go to same do It in the house to pee for example?

abbsisspartacus · 08/08/2018 21:11

Can you try boxer pants with those stick on pad things? If it's sensory the feel of the pad is like a nappy

Original poster
Horridhenry88 · 08/08/2018 21:12

When I have managed to get her in pants she just wees in them. Normally after she has sat on toilet and claimed she didn't need to go.

OP posts:
Purplepjs · 08/08/2018 21:13

HAve you tried contacting ERIC? They are a children’s bladder and bowel control charity. I am sure they will have experience of this and will help you. Hope you find some support.

Original poster
Horridhenry88 · 08/08/2018 21:14

Could be worth a try. Thank you

OP posts:
IceCreamFace · 08/08/2018 21:14

YANBU did you have anyone in mind that you can be referred to - it might help if you go in determined with a plan in mind. Does DD have any other issues? Anxiety? Sensory issues?

Original poster
Horridhenry88 · 08/08/2018 21:15

Both ERIC and boxers. I have had an j formation pack from Eric but haven't contacted them myself

OP posts:
RobotOverlord · 08/08/2018 21:15

I can totally sympathise OP, I’ve just come out the other side of something similar with my youngest who’s 4 later this month. Total refusal to wear pants, sit on a potty, look at a potty, discuss a potty! Our issue was time, we tried to start many times, he refused, kicked up a fuss for a few days and we ran out of time, had to go back to work/ nursery so that was that.

I’ve just had a week off work and, like you, reached the end of my tether so went cold turkey on nappies and resolved to not go backwards. The first 3 days were hell. Tantrums, screaming, kicking, withholding to the point he was clearly in pain, he thought if he created enough we’d back down as we had before. Then on day 4 he started to come around, and from there it was a dream. A week in we’re now on our 4th day with no accidents, and he’s absolutely fine about it all.

Obviously if there is some deeper rooted sensory issue there this is absolutely no use to you, but if not, it may be worth just gritting your teeth, accepting it will be awful for a while and doing it anyway. I’m sorry your GP was so crap, if you think there’s something else that you need it may be worth talking to ERIC, I never got as far as calling but their website has a lot of great information on there and I’ve heard good things about them.

Original poster
Horridhenry88 · 08/08/2018 21:18

I don't think she has any real issues. She does refuse to wear certain clothes. She was also a bit slow talking but has now caught up. Nursery are very appt with her progress overall.

OP posts:
Sunnybeachbabe · 08/08/2018 21:19

Oh ffs the very first response you got was basically "you have to try harder" I hate these threads as there's always some numpty that comes on to tell you it's basically easy and you're not trying. I had a dc who was a nightmare to toilet train but sleeps like an angel. I think I'm going to start posting on the sleep threads "you just have to try harder" grrr Angry

And yes, GP's have no idea, ask for a second opinion, tell them you weren't happy and push for a referral to the continence team. Good luck Thanks

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