Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to DM?

28 replies

Ladybug666 · 08/08/2018 15:02

New poster so please bare with me.
My Dd, 14, used to spend a few days & nights with her grandmother, my Dm, each summer but now that she is old enough to stay at home alone she really doesn’t want to go. I totally understand & don’t want to force her. She is going through the usual teenage moods but is also quite teary at times and only really opens up to me.
I know Dm will take it personally if I say no but don’t want Dd to be unhappy.
WWYD?

OP posts:
maddening · 08/08/2018 15:05

At 14 can dd not think of others and go visit her gran to make her gran happy?

maddening · 08/08/2018 15:07

And have a chat with your mum to say she will come for a couple of days but wants to stay by herself for some time as she is enjoying being independent?

letsdolunch321 · 08/08/2018 15:07

How bout a compromise of spending a day & overnight at Grandma’s

cheesefield · 08/08/2018 15:08

At age 14 it should be completely up to the child. They shouldn't be forced to go if they don't want to.

Piffle11 · 08/08/2018 15:20

I think it's up to DD. Things don't remain the same as DC get older - doesn't mean that your DD has forgotten about DGM or no longer cares. Hopefully your DM will understand, as it's important that your DD is given some independence.

ScrubTheDecks · 08/08/2018 15:30

A few days and nights a week, or throughout the whole 6 weeks?

If she doesn’t see her grandmother very often, once during the summer hols is reasonable, but make it clear it is for her and her DGm to spend s little time together.

But friends and independence are really really important to teenagers and your Mum must realise that her days of needing childcare are over?

SandyY2K · 08/08/2018 17:08

Life changes as kids get older. Don't force her or she will resent it...causing more harm than good.

Bluelady · 08/08/2018 17:13

This might be a good time to teach her that sometimes, out of kindness, we do things that wouldn't be our first choice because it makes people we love happy.

Pengggwn · 08/08/2018 17:16

Can't you go with her?

QueenieMum · 08/08/2018 17:20

I guess it depends why she doesn't want to go, would it be worth having a conversation about that aspect (if you haven't done so already, obviously). I don't think she should be forced to go if she doesn't want to, she'll end up resenting you. If it was my DD I wouldn't want her to think that her opinions and feelings don't matter.

A compromise might be to go with her for the day or a day and stay overnight, is that an option?

RatherBeRiding · 08/08/2018 17:27

I think it's up to DD really. She's growing up and her ideas of how she wants to spend her time are changing. Your DM will need to appreciate that.

And it's a bit different DM being sad about it, but for her to take it personally seems a bit strange.

Your DD shouldn't have to spend time with someone she doesn't want to, be that her DGM or not. Why would anyone want to have someone spending time with them when they are not happy to do so? It should be done because both parties want it, not out of any kind of obligation, family or not.

You could try to encourage DD to visit, and explain how much it would mean to her DGM, and keep the visit very short - but she shouldn't be forced to go.

Laiste · 08/08/2018 17:30

Why doesn't she want to go?

When you say 'a few', what is that? A week? Is it miles away?

TheIcon · 08/08/2018 17:31

Bluelady, at her advanced age, youd think she would have learned that already.

Laiste · 08/08/2018 17:34

DD has done it for years i imagine? It would seem she doesn't want to do it any more. Surely that's her decision?

I would guard against forcing teens to do things as if they're still children and just because you can. It'll bite you one the arse in the long run. (as my mother found out).

CSIblonde · 08/08/2018 17:56

I'd say to DM she's having a typical teen phase & wanting more independance now & make the visits days only for now. Compromise is a skill your DD can get a lot from. Fueling resentment by enforcing arrangements she's chafing at/grown out of, isn't going to help their relationship.

SeaCabbage · 08/08/2018 18:04

If you really think that your DD would be miserable going there then it would be unfair to make her. If she doesn't even want to go for one night then your mother is just going to have to accept that her granddaughter is growing up and wants to do different things now.

Teenagers get a lot of flack so you could just blame it on her "being a teenager" now , mum, sorry.

Goth237 · 08/08/2018 18:23

I would tell DD that it's illegal for a child under the age of 16 to be left alone overnight. And then she would go to DM.

RomanyRoots · 08/08/2018 18:34

Aw, it's a shame I can't think of a time when mine didn't want to see grandparents even sleeping over as 14 year olds. Three nights might be a bit much at this age, but certainly a couple of nights isn't out of the question, not considering the holidays are 6 weeks min.
i bet your dd would take gifts and/or pocket money from her gran though.
Mine have a great relationship even now as adults, although now they don't sleep over Grin
we taught them to respect other family members feelings from a very early age.

shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 08/08/2018 18:39

Goth237 - I imagine the OP will just be leaving her DD alone during the day while she is at home and not overnight

I'm torn on this one. My DC are less interesting in visiting GP now they are teens. We've compromised on me taking them for 2 days & 2 nights next week and DS is probably going to bring a friend (GP suggested this so they are happy with the plan).

Original poster
Ladybug666 · 08/08/2018 18:43

Goth237 I am working during the day and would be home by 5pm so she is not alone over night.
Gm lives about 60miles away, is very independent and drives.
GM is old school, doesn’t do or deal with emotions well. We have a somewhat strained relationship. I have to bite my tongue lots. I don’t want to push Dd too much just now as she is pretty sensitive and gets teary really easily or may say something to Gm without thinking which in turn could cause problems.
I’ll have a chat to her before Gm brings it up so we have decided together. Think I might push for Gm to come here for a day or two, then at least I am here at night.

OP posts:
Ceecee18 · 08/08/2018 18:50

Shes 14. Don't make her go, your DM needs to understand that things change as they get older. My sister was forced by our mother to visit our grandmother when she didn't want to, it just made her really resent our grandmother.

nokidshere · 08/08/2018 18:58

I would tell DD that it's illegal for a child under the age of 16 to be left alone overnight

Except that it's not so why lie?

I would make mine go for an overnight stay sometime during the 6 weeks. Nothing wrong with teaching a little kindness and the rest of the time she would be free to do as she chooses.

ReservoirDogs · 08/08/2018 18:58

I was going to suggest why not invite your mum to yours for a couple of days and then she'll get to see DD and DD will still be able to go off and out with friends too, but I note you may have concluded that anyway.

Raspberry88 · 08/08/2018 19:26

I think it's really important that you don't make her, especially if she's being teary about it and is saying she really doesn't want to. It doesn't sound just like she's being thoughtless, perhaps there's a reason, maybe GM upset her or maybe there's something going on and she just wants to be close to you, even if it is just overnight. I have still got strong memories from about that age of being made to do something that I was quite clear I didn't want to do even though I didn't want to say why (going in to a cafe where a group of men were sitting and had been perving at me when we had walked past them earlier in the street) I felt so upset that my parents didn't listen to me and made out I was trying to spoil things for everyone else.

Laiste · 08/08/2018 20:07

GM is old school, doesn’t do or deal with emotions well. We have a somewhat strained relationship. I have to bite my tongue lots.

As we grow out of childhood we become more perceptive and less tolerant of being manipulated. It's possible then that your DD has reached an age where she finds relations with her GM a bit of a strain too. If you openly admit that you yourself struggle then you can't in good conscious force your DD to long periods of one to one time there.

Swipe left for the next trending thread