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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I shouldn't get hit on by creepy f**kers at work

31 replies

Tinkerbellisnotafairy · 08/08/2018 10:57

So I work in a large office, which has a good friendly atmosphere. It's the culture of the place to smile at people if you pass them, even if you don't know them. I've been brought up to always smile at people if they smile at you, as it's polite.

So I got hit on by this janitor at work today... because I smiled at him. He said "Gosh, that's made my day." I said why, and he replied, "Because I've seen you." And I was like, "er, thanks..." and he said "You've got such a lovely smile, I love your smile."

It's now made me feel quite uncomfortable - he seems to follow me around and is always where I am, like if I'm making a coffee or going to the loo. Work is supposed to be a safe place and now it feels odd.

Am I overreacting?

I shall probably get flamed for this, but I find him a bit creepy. I can't put my finger on it, but there's something just a bit... off about him. It makes my spidey senses tingle, iykwim.

AIBU to think I should be able to smile at someone without being hit on?

OP posts:
CantankerousCamel · 08/08/2018 10:58

You absolutely don’t have to deal with it. Speak to your manager and they can deal with it

WorraLiberty · 08/08/2018 11:01

What Cantankerous said.

I've been brought up to always smile at people if they smile at you, as it's polite.

Then work on changing that ^^

You absolutely don't have to smile at anyone if you don't want to or you feel they're a bit creepy.

UpstartCrow · 08/08/2018 11:05

You are not overreacting, raise a complaint.

Original poster
Tinkerbellisnotafairy · 08/08/2018 11:12

But if I raise a complaint, and this guy loses his job, doesn't that make me a horrible person? Just because he complimented my smile?

I don't know, I'm really torn. It DID make me feel uncomfortable, but I couldn't tell you why. Maybe he's just a nice, lonely man who wanted to compliment a smiley girl.

And then on the other hand, why do guys seem to think that just because a girl smiles at them, it immediately means they're opening their legs for them?

Maybe this is a bigger subject.

And worraliberty, so I have to change my whole personality because guys are getting the wrong signals from a simple smile?! Confused

OP posts:
CantankerousCamel · 08/08/2018 11:13

I don’t know if it needs to be a severe as that. The manager should just take him to one side, suggest he has the wrong end of the stick and that should be that

LtJudyHopps · 08/08/2018 11:20

Maybe give it a week or so and if he continues to make you uncomfortable mention it to someone?

Nuffaluff · 08/08/2018 11:29

I wouldn’t report straight away if it was me. But I don’t think you are overreacting. If you get that intuitive feeling of creepiness, trust it. I always do.
Maybe just go non friendly with this guy now. When walking past him, go for no eye contact, or just a polite, quick hello if he says hello, by not so smiley.
At the moment he hasn’t done anything wrong, but he seems to have got the wrong idea. If it continues, then you could report.

AndhowcouldIeverrefuse · 08/08/2018 11:32

Have a chat with your line manager. He definitely hit on you which IMO is not part of going to work. We have a creepy caretaker at work, it's like you are talking about the same person!

Buster72 · 08/08/2018 11:40

He complemented you. At no point did anyone suggest opening your legs...why did your mind leap there?
And no you don't need to smile for everyone or explain yourself if he gives you the creeps...but ask yourself of he had been a good looking young colleague would you have been flattered ?

FlintyBadman · 08/08/2018 11:45

The words 'creepy janitor' makes me think of a Scooby Doo episode Smile

It might be that you were wary after what he said and are just noticing him more rather than him following you. Has anyone else noticed anything odd about his behaviour towards you?

hannnnnnnxo · 08/08/2018 11:54

He won’t be fired (unless he has had complaints of this nature before) but I’d hope he gets a talking to. Is he agency staff or actually employed by your company? I suppose an agency could sent another person in his place.

There’s a difference between smiling back at someone and being flirty/creepy and just taking a smile in the complete wrong nature. In all my jobs I have got along with the cleaning staff team and I have never had something like this! It’s more friendly banter, catch ups, general pleasantries etc.

WorraLiberty · 08/08/2018 11:54

And worraliberty, so I have to change my whole personality because guys are getting the wrong signals from a simple smile?!

No, just the message you were sent as a child that you're somehow obliged to smile at someone just because they've smiled at you.

It's not impolite if you choose not to smile back for whatever reason.

hannnnnnnxo · 08/08/2018 11:56

Send*

Also, how long has this been going on? Eg did all this happen today or over the past few weeks?

Original poster
Tinkerbellisnotafairy · 08/08/2018 12:43

The conversation about the smile and it making his day was today, but he's been around for a few weeks, and like I said, always seems to kind of be there where I am.

I always try to be pleasant and speak to anyone, but it just feels like sometimes if you're nice to someone they immediately think they've got a chance with you.

OP posts:
delphguelph · 08/08/2018 13:06

So next time you see him just give a stiff nod and walk on.

You do not need to entertain this communication. You're not a charity, don't feel sorry for these guys!

JovialNickname · 08/08/2018 15:45

There are different types of smiles too ... if you have been giving beaming happy open smiles to everybody, maybe try a polite, closed mouth brief smile instead to this particular guy if he is making you uncomfortable? (Not saying a man getting the wrong end of the stick is in any way your fault btw, only that a polite friendly nod might nicely convey the message that any interest you have in him is purely professional .)

AngelsAckiz · 08/08/2018 15:55

Ask yourself, "would he have said this to The Rock"? If no, then the guy is a creeper.

Lynne1Cat · 08/08/2018 15:56

Has it occurred to you that he's lonely, or that he just likes you? You might not like him, but I don't think he's done anything wrong. He finds you attractive. Be flattered. You don't like him - just say "Hello" if you must, but nothing else. No need to be unpleasant. As for telling your Manager - you're a grown woman, not a child. The man hasn't touched you.

AFigTree · 08/08/2018 15:57

I think you are overreacting. Just ignore him outright next time and soon he’ll get the picture.

Original poster
Tinkerbellisnotafairy · 08/08/2018 16:01

Yes it did occur to me Lynne - in fact I wrote that in my second post. That's exactly why I'm posting here, to see if I am overreacting or being unreasonable.

I don't think it's worth reporting ... as you say, he hasn't actually done anything wrong.

Will do as PP have said and try less friendly smiles and not pause for conversation.

It is worth thinking that if he looked like Brad Pitt, this would be a totally different conversation. Which I realise makes me an incredibly shallow person. But then, would I still get those vibes?

OP posts:
CantankerousCamel · 08/08/2018 16:04

No this is terrible advice! You don’t follow around your colleagues unless you KNOW they want you to!

The weight is not on you OP.

He should have been damn sure you were keen before he made you feel increasingly uncomfortable

Lynne1Cat · 08/08/2018 17:36

I'm the Manager of a day centre for elderly people. I love the job, and the people (about 30 of them)....but one old bloke constantly tells me I look younger than my 59 years (flattering), that he'd like to take me out (sickening, as he's about 80 and I'm married anyway), he'd love to cover me in baby oil (I could vomit), etc., etc. He says these same things every week, and every single time I tell him that he's crossing the line with his comments.

I can't stand the sight of the grubby old sod, but he's never gone further than saying these things - he'd regret it if he tried it- he's never been married (lives in the house he grew up in), has never had a girlfriend, and lives in squalor. I was a carer for 22 years, so have seen and heard a lot of thing in my time. I can be polite, friendly (part of my job), but am mature enough to distance myself from this man without being nasty to him. He doesn't go anywhere for 6 days of the week, so the day centre is his one day of company. He may well have some dementia, so I can excuse/put up with his shit whilst I'm there, and then don't have to see him until the following week. He can't physically DO anything to me - he'd be banned from attending (which I almost wish would happen)

hannnnnnnxo · 08/08/2018 18:36

I don’t think you should be forced to feel uncomfortable just because the man is lonely

CSIblonde · 08/08/2018 22:04

If he's not like this to all the women (so you know it's not just how he is/its his version of harmless banter) & you're convinced he's got the wrong idea say hi, no beaming grin & keep walking. If he tries for a longer conversation, then "got to dash, bye" . The 3 security guys at work say stuff like this to nearly every woman at the barriers daily: in a very jokey way. I was taken aback at first, but it's def not a come on, it's reciprocated banter that goes no further.

ForalltheSaints · 08/08/2018 22:13

Following around is not acceptable.

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