to be fed up of his ex?

[WhatToDoToday6]

I'm 27 weeks pregnant with mine and DPs first. He has a 6 year old daughter who spends 50% of the time with us and 50% with her mum. It's a great arrangement and both patents are equally as involved, which is a rarity for many people.

It's been great so far, until I got pregnant. There has been a change of behaviour in his ex and I believe she may be finding the pregnancy difficult. I have never had a run in with her, we are all adults and are all very amicable.

DP took a photo of his daughter with her hand on my belly. It was a sneaky photo and neither of us knew he was taking it. He put it up as his whatsapp photo, again, I didn't even know this photo existed. His ex saw it and went ballistic, saying that she shouldn't be touching my belly because it is inappropriate.

She text him saying that I shouldn't have told her that babies drink milk from their mummies boobies because she's 'too young to know about that' (she's nearly 7 and I really just thought this was a normal thing to do in order to prepare her). I don't know what she expects me to do when baby arrives...

I feel for her because it must be hard her daughter going through all of this with her dad and not her mum, and I try to calm the situation by asking DP to let it slide and be kind, but it is becoming draining and I'm not sure how to proceed.

Is the above normal behaviour? I'm losing track of what is and what isn't... not sure what to do and feel like I'm going to explode as I just want to enjoy my pregnancy without her being involved.

She thinks it's inappropriate for your DSD to touch your belly? She is being ridiculous and needs to grow up. This is DSD's brother or sister.

In all my years of being a step mum with a -batshit- difficult ex, I would say I wish, right from the start, that we’d ignored everything that didn’t directly require a joint parenting decision (by my dh and the ex) AND an actual response.

Rants about WhatsApp photos , or texts about breastfeeding: ignore. Question about where DSD is to be dropped off on Saturday: respond. Etc.

Just don’t give the bullshit any headspace. Or it will grind you down.

And she is only involved in you r pregnancy if you let her. Don’t.

@Lookatyourwatchnow they had an argument over it and she told DP that it's not appropriate for her to be touching me like that as I had my top rolled up. She said I should have had my tshirt pulled down. You can't even see my belly in the picture as it's from above. I can't get my head round the fact he even had to have that conversation.

@Tulipblank I honestly do say the same thing to DP - 'just ignore and let it slide'

Oh dear ..
no advice just sending you a hug 🌷
Hope she doesn’t become a ex-zilla

@Hanab thank you!

Inappropriate my arse. Clearly this whole situation stings for her, I get that, but she needs to deal with that one her own. Without starting stupid arguments about non issues. I agree with a previous poster that the best response is none. Ignore ignore ignore. Don't give her an audience.

@Lookatyourwatchnow sadly DP is stubborn and can't handle being told what to do. He bites and it drives me crazy! I do understand though, his argument with her is more about her telling his DD that she shouldn't touch my belly and that I shouldn't talk to her about breast feeding etc. DD feeds this back to DP and I end up worried that she's being told bad things about me. It's silly, I should ignore it but I just hope it doesn't cause bigger issues down the line, especially once baby is born...

Considering complete strangers seem to be drawn to baby bumps and insist on touching, albeit through clothing, I don't think it is inappropriate for a seven year old step daughter to touch your bump or to learn about breastfeeding. What does she expect you to do it baby needs feeding when she is there? Hide away in your own home?
I understand that it must take some adjustments on her behalf now her daughter is getting a half sibling but she is being a wee bit silly in her approach.
Let it all slide over your heads. It really is not worth giving it headspace. Tell your dp to acknowledge but not respond.

Similar incident. The other day, her DD walked in on me naked. I was getting dressed and I told her to go downstairs and I'll be down in a minute (also had a word about knocking!). Lo and behold as soon as she goes back to her mums DP gets a text 'please can you tell my name to not get dressed in front of our daughter, she is not Dds name's mother and it's not appropriate' - his DD would only have mentioned it because she's curious about my bump.

It's draining. Even if I do ignore it it's a constant thought in the back of my head knowing she's going to mention something and DP will end up wound up.

Funny thing is DP has never had a bad word to say about her partner. He's never needed to...

@Jamiefraserskilt that's another one we have had! We don't use the term 'half' because we want DD to feel like she is only half a sister. In our eyes it doesn't matter biologically what percentage they are related - they are siblings. I completely understand why you used that term - my point is however, his DD asked me 'is this really my brother or sister because mummy said it's not my real brother or sister'

I'm just sick of it!!!!

*we don't want

She’s being a dick, don’t give her the satisfaction of a response/reaction.

Her touching your bump, or knowing/seeing you feed your baby is in no way inappropriate.

And I have a ‘half’ brother, but he’s just my brother... the half bit is completely irrelevant.

does she still want your DP back - becasue she sounds as if shes trying to do all she cant to turn her daughter against you? Maybe im reading it wrong. Yes - must be hard for her, but she has moved on too, as per your post. Maybe in her mind her daughter is getting a new sibling but shes upset its not from her. Dont let it bother you OP, you sound as if you are a lovely person - i would continue the way you are with your dsd - shes just curious.

Well she is setting a great example for her daughter, does she want her to think that breast feeding is something to be ashamed of? Also she's not allowed to touch your belly? I think I would have to tell this woman to get a grip of herself. She sounds as though she is picking at silly things because she is perhaps jealous.

Also if she has another child with her dp will she tell her daughter that child isn't her real brother or sister? What a horrible thing to do to her daughter.

@Timeisslippingaway it probably just wouldn't be mentioned.

I just don't know how things can go from being completely amicable for 3 years to suddenly she wants her DD to hate me. It's hard and I'm constantly paranoid she's going to turn her against me, though that doesn't seem to have happened so far...

Is she the type that would kick up more of a stink if you didnt reply to texts? If she is just reply ok.

I'm glad your being kind (it's bloody draining and annoying that u have to). I guess you have it right that it's probably hurting ex lots and she's prob having to field questions from dd about if she's going to have and baby.

Try and nd explain to dp that if he bites it's just worse for dd as creates atmosphere.

Have you posted this before? A couple of weeks ago.

Ride it out and stay as calm as you can. You cant control her behaviour but you can yours and dp. Grit teeth, smile and ignore

@Allthewaves I think she would probably just continue texting him until he responded. I think the 'ok' thing is a good idea though.

@HollyGibney no I'm really new to MN and have never posted this before, why?

It's changed because you are pregnant and perhaps she is jealous because she wanted to have another baby first or maybe it's something else entirely, either way she is being a total dick and it is going to affect her daughter very badly. I hope she grows up soon.

Do you think she is having fertility problems with her new partner? Or she wants a baby and he doesn't? That's not to excuse her btw, just wondering if there is a reason your pregnancy triggered such a change in her attitude.

@LunaTrap I know she has PCOS and thought she couldn't have children however she fell pregnant with DD unexpectedly, so maybe this is it. DD tells us mummy is going to have a baby soon. It must be really hard for her. I totally understand why she would feel envious and I would probably feel the same. It's about being adult enough to deal with those emotions appropriately and she really isn't!

What a rubbish situation OP. As PP said, you cant control her behaviour, but you can try to get your husband to change his. He literally needs to ignore her unless its relevant. It's the only way! My DH is very matter of fact with his ex and now its been 6 years we are all quite friendly.

I have a stepson and he was SO excited when I was pregnant with his sister (no halfs ever mentioned here either!) it is only natural to be curious about a baby bump and totally not inappropriate to touch it!