to be fed up of his ex?

[WhatToDoToday6]

I'm 27 weeks pregnant with mine and DPs first. He has a 6 year old daughter who spends 50% of the time with us and 50% with her mum. It's a great arrangement and both patents are equally as involved, which is a rarity for many people.

It's been great so far, until I got pregnant. There has been a change of behaviour in his ex and I believe she may be finding the pregnancy difficult. I have never had a run in with her, we are all adults and are all very amicable.

DP took a photo of his daughter with her hand on my belly. It was a sneaky photo and neither of us knew he was taking it. He put it up as his whatsapp photo, again, I didn't even know this photo existed. His ex saw it and went ballistic, saying that she shouldn't be touching my belly because it is inappropriate.

She text him saying that I shouldn't have told her that babies drink milk from their mummies boobies because she's 'too young to know about that' (she's nearly 7 and I really just thought this was a normal thing to do in order to prepare her). I don't know what she expects me to do when baby arrives...

I feel for her because it must be hard her daughter going through all of this with her dad and not her mum, and I try to calm the situation by asking DP to let it slide and be kind, but it is becoming draining and I'm not sure how to proceed.

Is the above normal behaviour? I'm losing track of what is and what isn't... not sure what to do and feel like I'm going to explode as I just want to enjoy my pregnancy without her being involved.

She's being a cow. Ignore her, you'e doing everything right. She'll need to get over herself or her DD will reject her.

It does sound like she's jealous. For things to go from amicable to this kind of behaviour shows she isn't coping well with the change.

She's trying to throw a spanner in the works where she can and take the shine of what should be an exciting time for you, your DH and DSD.

Could you and DH sit down and talk to her about it? Is she insecure that her DD will suddenly play second fiddle? Is she jealous that she will no longer be the only woman to have a child with your DH?

She's being a bitch, but I think if you don't try to get to the bottom of it and work it out, your DSD may get very stuck in the middle. Especially if her Mum starts to resent the new baby once it arrives.

She’s being very unreasonable. You’re involving your DSD and she isn’t happy about it Imagine if you didn’t involve her, she would have something to say about that as well!

I just don't know how things can go from being completely amicable for 3 years to suddenly she wants her DD to hate me. It's hard and I'm constantly paranoid she's going to turn her against me, though that doesn't seem to have happened so far...

Just a guess but as someone who suffered from secondary infertility, I imagine she is struggling to deal with the fact that she probably wanted to have another child but maybe it seems very unlikely for her now. She peobably resents you being able to give her DD a sibling more than being with her X.

It took me a long time (years) to (mostly) get over the sadness that DS would be an only and nowadays I would be OK if he had a half' sibling somewhere as it would give him more family members though this is very unlikely to happen as DH and I are together and happy. However during my most 'down' periods I had been in the EX's position I would have really struggled emotionally with the new partner being pregnant.

I would give her some time (and by that I mean lots and lots of time) and as others have mentioned ignore as much as possible. If she has been reasonable for 3 years it is likley this basic level of good nature will return but she is probaby having a very difficult time now. You on the other hand are pregnant and and have masses to look forward to, try to be the bigger person for a while, difficult as it is.

We have a batshit ex too OP.
It is draining .

DP told her we were expecting our first together, she lost her shit and he's not seen his 2 with her since then, she's changed her number, won't answer the door and gets the kids to hide when he's turned up
Solicitors and court hearings is just what we need when we should be enjoying our time with our newborn !
You have my sympathy , nip it in the bud x

My eldest son has a step mum. I'd never begrudge the closeness of their relationship. I feel so lucky that my son has a step mum who cares and loves him. It sounds like your DSD has a loving and caring step mum too. Her mother should be grateful she has a lovely step mum who wants to share the experience of her pregnancy with her.
My son has a sister from his dad and step mum, and three siblings from his step dad and me. None of them are half in my mind, just brothers and sisters.

Sounds like you and DH are doing a lovely job of raising your dsd. Ignore the ex, but maybe suggest to DH that he's careful what he shares on social media, not because it's inappropriate, but because he has a batshit ex!

OP can give her time bumblingbovine49 by ignoring her rants and deciding to forgive her for them, but the ex is hurting and confusing her child with this behaviour and that's both OP and DH's problem. Whatever she's going through, and of course you may be right, it's a choice to include her child in her pain by trying to ruin this experience.

Feel your pain OP. OH's ex is a complete twat and it is extremely draining to try and keep the peace and give them the benefit of the doubt.

DH needs to stop rising to it, she knows how to get a reaction and will keep doing it until he stops showing that she can push his buttons.

You had a really good thing going when you were amicable, not a lot of blended families are lucky enough to have that. Hopefully when her behaviour stops being reacted to she will have the space to calm down, think it through and realise what she's missing - if she pushes you both away essentially it will come to a point where you will not be able to talk to her when DD is with you and that's a real shame.

The bump photo was a bit tactless towards the ex IMHO, and clearly she is struggling with this. Diplomacy is the order of the day in the hope that things will return to normal. Do you talk to the ex at all? Might she feel less excluded if you asked her advice on some aspect of baby care?

@Apehouse is that a serious suggestion? Why should she feel included? It's not her pregnancy or her child and as much as we are amicable, it would be bizarre for me to start asking my partner's ex for pregnancy or parenting advice.

I genuinely don't feel that it was tactless. It was a photo of his daughter with her hand on my bump. To suggest he should have to hide away and feel as though he shouldn't share in the same way he would should his ex not exist, is bizarre. I hate that he can't celebrate my pregnancy in the same way as other dads because his ex might throw a paddy.

she's projecting onto you, you need to ignore her, don't do anything, it will achieve nothing.

My advice to a friend when his Ex sends messages like this is to respond with "Noted"

The less he engages the better.

It simply means her comments have been noted.

Doesn't mean it'll change anything...just that her views have been noted.

"I hate that he can't celebrate my pregnancy in the same way as other dads because his ex might throw a paddy."

Could he block her on all forms of social media? That way he can share to his heart's content and not risk misery guts ex not flipping her Lis every time he shares something. Even on whatsapp. She doesn't need to see any of his social media so I say block away! Texts, calls and emails should be enough forms of contact.

@Boofay he doesn't actually have any social media. No Facebook or Instagram, and he's now found a way to hide his profile photos on whatsapp from certain people so he's done this now. One step ahead

Might she feel less excluded if you asked her advice on some aspect of baby care

I'm trying to be tactful about uour suggestion and your entire post...but I'm struggling tbh.

I'll simply say it's not for the Ex to be included in the pregnancy. They aren't sisterwives and any attempt to include her could be perceived as rubbing her face in it.

Why on earth would she ask the OPs Ex for baby advice...has she been declared supermum or something.

I'd say this has all appeared because with a baby on the way you are suddenly visibly a Family with your partner that you haven't really been before in her eyes. She's seeing her daughter engaging with you and the coming baby on a very intimate personal level and suddenly you're not just "the girlfriend who is there when DD is staying with her daddy", you're a family that DD is part of AND SHE ISN'T.
DD is having these lovely moments with you and his ex is thinking "That should be me, that's MY daughter and she is part of MY family". If shes also struggling with PCOS then that's an extra twist of the knife.

That's why shes trying to put as much distance between you as possible, shes trying to reinforce this feeling that DD isn't REALLY part of your family, shes part of hers and you're just babysitting her. She's trying to issue you instructions as The Mother to remind you that you're not.

I agree with storm tbh. If you haven’t struggled with infertility and/or losses you wouldn’t fully understand but you can at least attempt to have some empathy.

I can understand your side of things too so don’t think you’re being unreasonable in the slightest but I do genuinely feel sorry for her. She’s probably wanted nothing more than to give her daughter a sibling but because of reasons out of her hands, can’t and now you are doing it for her instead.

She’s being strange!

Of course it’s fine for her to touch your belly/feel baby kick or whatever, this baby is her sibling and she lives with you 50% of the time so no doubt you’ve given her a hug/picked up her etc etc often as well.

It’s absolutely fine for a 7 year old to know milk comes from boobs, it’s natural ffs nothing odd or disgusting about it to traumatise a child. Also once babies here if you breastfed at some point she may well see you feeding anyway.

Fuck knows what her issues are but she has no excuse for this. Maybe it is tough her dd having a sibling that isn’t hers but it’s just life really isn’t it and she’s going to have to suck it up!

OP there's someone in a very similar situation to you! (@PinkThread)

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3304116-dsds-mum-doesn-t-want-me-to-breastfeed-in-front-of-dsd

@StormTreader

Excellent post.

Nobody's life is perfect. Other people will always have something you want and can't have.

That doesn't mean you act immature and tell your child (in this scenario) that the baby won't be their real sibling.

Is the baby a fake then? No matter how hurt you are...It's no excuse to hurt others...especially your child by telling them a blatant lie.

I would have no issue if she explained it was to be a half sibling...because they would have the same dad, but bit the same mum...but saying not real is absolutely wrong and is an attempt to damage the relationship/ prevent a bond developing between her DD and the sibling.

At that age you believe everything your mum tells you. So if mum says this isnt my real brother/sister... that can translate into I don't have to love them.

It's cruel and manipulative.
Secondary infertility is not a get out of jail card allowing carte blanche...frankly shitty behaviour.

Maybe it's brought home to her that there is someone else bringing up her daughter, sharing your ideals and values with her which may not be entirely the same as her mother's?

(I'm not saying you're doing anything wrong, btw)

It must be hard having to share, however much the child is loved and cared for. It's not what you envision in your child's (or your own) future.

@SadTrombone I will most certainly be breastfeeding in from or DPs DD! Gosh, the idea of not being able to is bizarre!

@Mousefunky oh I have had my fair share of experience with loss. I lost two babies before 12 weeks and one at 22 so I do understand. I have had fertility issues as well and it took me a long time to get pregnant so I do know what it's like to see other women pregnant when you at desperate to have your own baby. I can empathise and I do. I didn't act like a crazy person though, I was still happy for my friends and family members, as hard and heartbreaking as it was.