My "routine" is making me really unhappy

[cheshiremama89]

I have just posted on another thread about part of our evening routine and as I wrote it I realised how unhappy I am.

My "routine" or lack of with my 6mo DS is really affecting my mental health.

A bit of background:

• Only one child, 6mo
• EBF although have begun weaning with little success (doesn't take anything from a spoon)
• Total bottle refusal
• Bedsharing
• DS will only sleep in pram or on a bed in the dark if I'm with him

Typical daily routine (we have established this almost accidentally)

• Awake at 7/8am
• First Nap in pram 9:30 ish for around one hour
• Breakfast (will not eat anything off spoon so all finger food)
• Playtime
• 1pm ish Afternoon Nap on my bed with me for 1/2 hours
• Lunch
• Playtime/Walk
• Early evening nap for an hour either in pram or on my bed again with me

AND THEN...

• DH arrives home about 7pm
• I serve tea
• DH baths DS
• I make DH's packed lunch
• I go to bed between 8/9 as DS bed shares and falls asleep at the breast

I'm so unhappy, I really feel like I'm failing and have so many concerns I feel overwhelmed.

• DS won't take a bottle and so I'm anxious about leaving him, and returning to work start of Nov

• I HATE the evening routine however when I tried the cot a few weeks ago he lasted about an hour in it before waking (took hours to get him in it)

• I have no time with DH

The problem is I'm so exhausted through poor sleep quality with bedsharing I cant muster the energy to kick start things.

SORRY FOR MOANING

Sorry for your situation. I didn't bed share with mine because I don't manage well on poor sleep and get depressed. After 6 months I put them in a cot in their own room, with an easy chair for night feeds.
If you are trying to move to a situation where you get more sleep and have time in evening with dh I would l recommend you persevere with the cot idea. It might take some crying and mental.strength from you but the benefits will be a stronger you, a better relationship with dh AND a son who can move gradually to a more self soothing pattern which will be better for him as he grows up.
I know bed sharing and gentle parenting is popular now but giving yourself a bit of space can make you feel like a new woman.

Thank you @ILoveDolly

I think I do need to bite the bullet and get him in his cot!

I have no idea how to start, is there anything you recommend?

Oh weaning thing .... BLW? My dd2 refused anything she'd not picked up herself. She also preferred to fall asleep with me in the room. They can all learn to sleep in a cot with gradual withdrawal and some resolve

Umm cross post. I think I basically used that gentle withdrawal technique where you start with them getting drowsy on you, and fall asleep with you touching them, then over time you get further away. I have a lot of memories of crawling out in the dark

Is there any option for a Chico next to me crib..? I think there are cot alternatives to but I'm unsure sorry. With my 2nd we put the mattress on the floor to lower it to the same height as the cot when lowered with the side off (cot bed) he eventually learned that was his space. It doesn't free you right away but may get him used to his cot?

Also with bottles have you tried a sippy cup. Just ease him into it. Sipping little bits at a time. Not as a feed but for him to learn to use it with formula in?

Sorry if these ideas don't help you.

Here's a link which explains it. I think I had that book from the library, I must have got the idea from somewhere www.practicalresearchparenting.com/2014/10/04/sleep-training-gradual-withdrawal-method/

Both of mine were like yours.

TBH I just accepted that they're young for a very short time and did what I could to get through it, which was co-sleeping, BLW etc. DS1 is nearly 6 and is only just going through the entire night in his own bed.

Sorry no advice, but it is normal

My dd bedshared and was ebf so I've had exactly the same problem with bottle and spoon refusal. In the end I went straight to a sippy cup, she never did take a bottle. As for sleep we took the side off the cot and pushed up against the bed making one big bed space so that once she had fallen asleep I could move back to my side of the bed and I was able to sleep. This however went on until she was 2 so you might not want to go down that route. For now you're doing your best and things change all the time as they get older so don't worry.

Sorry you’re feeling down. Just to say this was me 18 months ago, you’re not alone. Although I managed to do the afternoon nap by feeding to sleep I was up and out walking for that 9.30 nap every day. I had a major wobble around this time and cried on the HV who told me so much would change in the next few months, I thought she was talking bollocks but it got better. Unfortunately LO never took a bottle but at 7 months she started eating well so after consulting with HV I cut out day feeds, tried formula/cow’s milk in a cup but she never took to it. She started nursery at 10 months and was happy enough without milk in the day and napped happily on the mat with the others first time...😱

It’s hard when you’re in in the middle of it to muster the energy to change things or see the light that it WILL get better. We did some gentle sleep training and that helped with sleeping better in the cot in the long run. Also remember “food before one is just for fun”, cheesy but true, they eat well eventually, then turn into fussy toddlers 🙈

Which bottles have you tried? I tried tommee tippee, Avent &Breastflow withy bottle refusing baby. Tried first time with NUK and it was great. Can you pump? I introduced breast milk bottles then mixed formula in.

Oh it sounds just like we were, but at 8 months DS started sleeping for a while and DH and I got an hour here and there so we could watch a program or have sex...

I'm sure that you'll get there - though if you want to change things then there are gentle parenting books available in the library so you don't have to spend money.

I also think it’s worth persevering with the cot. You sound exhausted and down, it’s time to have your evenings back for you and dh.

ah 5/6m was the worst for us sleepwise with both children, and my lowest points. The No Cry Sleep Solution is good for giving you ideas and "permission" that you don't have to fix it all cold turkey (unless you want to).

I would recommend reading around a bit and making A Plan. It'll give you a way forward, a sense of purpose and a bit of confidence that things will get better. Try it for a couple of weeks, don't die in a ditch over it if it's not working but also don't quit too soon. Very hard to do when you're sleep deprived. Have faith that you don't actually need the 'best' solution. Lots of different approaches will help, and everything's a phase with babies anyway. Just pick what you think might work for you and give it a bash.

Your boy sounds exactly like my eldest. If she wasn’t attached to me she couldn’t sleep, no bottles, slapped spoons out of my hand. It was stroller rides or driving aimlessly for hours to get her to nap. Just know your not alone and I couldn’t get her to sleep through the night until she was 15 months old and that was with very difficult sleep training.

Now is a good time to introduce a straw based sippy cup. I read those were preferred for EBF babies since it’s a similar suck motion. I trained my daughters on them quickly by dipping a straw in a cup of water, plugging the top with my finger, and releasing a bit into their mouths. He should be able to master the sippy cup by the time you return to work.

As far as weaning just let her self feed. There is lots on info on baby led weaning out there. Purées are not necessary.

For what it’s worth my 2nd kid was a dream (except for refusing bottles too). She nursed quickly and slept completely through the night around 4 months. We truly did nothing different with her. She just has an easier personality. Having experiences babies who were almost polar opposites I just want to say please don’t feel so down on yourself. I’m sure you ar doing everything you can (as did I). You just have a higher need child on your hands. He’ll mellow out eventually. Try and cut yourself some slack!

I exbf my DD and coslept. I normally lie with her until I know she is in a deep sleep and sneak out. We have a monitor so I can see her and have the bed against the wall. She does sometimes wake but I normally get a couple of hours in the evening with DH.
Regarding bottle refusal my DD was the same. By 6 months I forget the bottle and start trying to introduce a sippy cup. Like you I was worried about nursery/returning to work. But it worked out fine. DD just had water in her sippy cup and her meals at nursery and then my milk morning/evenings.

Thank you all so much for your responses.

I'm going to give the cot another go this weekend, I'm so glad it isn't just me, and there is light at the end of the tunnel x

Oh you poor thing but your little one is only six months old. A lot of babies are like he is. You'll be amazed how he will change over the next few months so don't worry about it - but you do need a bit of a break sometimes so see if you can arrange that.

That sounds pretty much how things were with my DD, but she would only nap in the afternoon and only in the baby carrier. We never got her to take a bottle either but she did drink from a sippy cup so you could try that? Also wouldn’t be spoon fed, but baby led weaning worked really well for us as she just ate what we were having. I’d focus on getting DS into his cot so you can get some rest as really it sounds like you’re doing a great job but you must be so tired. DD was also very anti her cot so I’d either feed her to sleep or DH would hang out with her in bed til she fell asleep then transfer her using his ninja dad skills. She did sleep like a champ once we got her down though, which did wonders for my sanity!

Also sod making your DH’s sandwiches, that’s a good 15-30 minutes sitting staring at the wall time you could reclaim.

I co-sleep with and breastfeed my son too. He is 14mo now. 6 months is a fairly shit time OP - I remember thinking at around that time I should have it all sorted but feeling completely at a loss with it all. It really turns a corner from around 6.5-7 months: I found DS dropped a lot of breastfeeds, really improved on solids, generally slept better and was happier to play on his own for a while during the day meaning I could sort myself out a bit better. With the bed-sharing, we have pushed a single bed against our bed and I lie with DS on that until he is asleep, then roll onto bed with DH. It's up against the wall so he can't fall out unless he crawls off the bottom of it, which I guess is possible but he hasn't done that so far. Could you try something similar? Mastering the roll-away has been a life-saver for me. Our next step is to put single bed in his room with a bed guard and take the same approach there.

It will get better, honestly. Those baby days feel like they are going to last forever but trust me they'll be a distant memory before you know it!

Personally, I'd ditch the evening nap so he's properly tired and ready for bedtime. At 7pm, or thereabouts, do bath, feed and then bed in his cot. I would sit in with him to start off with and gradually move a little further away. It won't necessarily be easy (though you may be surprised and find it easier than you think), but it will be worth it in the end.

November is a long way off for a baby to grow and change. He'll more than likely be eating and sleeping better by then. Don't worry about that until nearer the time. If he doesn't like the spoon then just go with the finger food for now.

Babies are all different so there's no right or wrong way of doing things, you just have to work out what works for you and your baby. I had one that slept through from 3 weeks old and another that didn't until 9 months old! There's only so much you can do to influence them.

Weaning is so soul destroying. Neither of my children took bottles and both were spoon refusers too. But this is really just a phase. They will be drinking from a cup really soon. Just make sure you have a free flow one because EBF babies don’t know how to suck a plastic sipper, IME.

The first time was much harder. The second time I relaxed a lot more. Both mine was off the breast soon after 12mo. Hopefully this will give you hope. Given they were BLW and bottle refusing. Once they click with the solids, everything just works. Also I returned to work so that must have helped with getting them off the breast.

I'm sorry you're finding it hard. It IS hard, especially with a bottle/cot refuser, although sounds v v normal behaviour to me, it sounds like you are doing brilliantly, the OPPOSITE of failing. You're meeting his needs and being a responsive parent. What more could your child ask for?

A couple of questions - what do you hate about the evening routine? Is it the going to bed with him thing?

Does he wake a lot in the night? If not that's an awfully long time for you in bed, 8-9 to 7-8 - couldn't you get up for an hour to be with your DH once he's asleep? I used to get up then DH would do any settling back to sleep (or at least try for a good while until it got to screaming point) until 10-11, so I'd have a bit of respite. Could you try that? We used a sleepyhead as he wasn't a roller/ was a late crawler for peace of mind that he wouldn't escape our bed.

November is a LONG time away, plenty of time for things to change re: bottle, he might take a cup and he'll be older so eating more too. Worry about that closer to the time.

How's your friends network? Do you have supportive and understanding friends around you? Are you seeing friends regularly, e.g. nearly every day? I think you need to find your people. I GUARANTEE there are people near you going through similar, because it is very very common. Even though it probably feels like it's not.

One more thing - could you walk in pram till he's asleep then sneak back in (white noise machine might help with this) so you can sit down with a cuppa?

PS I agree, let DH make his own lunch!

incidentally don't panic about the bottle thing at this stage. I had a bottle refuser too and so did a few of my friends. After stress with DC1 I just chose not to fight it with DC2. Just kept trying occasionally - and I do mean occasionally - and he started taking an open cup about 10m. Friends had found the same and gave me the confidence to hold my nerve. You don't need to solve everything now. Nov is ages away in baby terms. Even if he doesn't end up taking a bottle, you'll find another solution.

I slept on dc cot sheets for a night before putting them on and that helped as did warming them with hot water bottle before putting dc in (hot water bottle removed of course).

I

Oh and if it makes you feel any better (although not sure it will) my DS wouldn't go near a buggy until almost a year old and hated the car until 18 months, so if I wanted to go anywhere I had to take him in the sling which he also didn't really like. 90% of naps were on me until he was 1 year old, and was an awful sleeper at night until 2. It was awful and nearly killed me! But I got through it, I somehow just about coped, and you will too x