My "routine" is making me really unhappy

[cheshiremama89]

I have just posted on another thread about part of our evening routine and as I wrote it I realised how unhappy I am.

My "routine" or lack of with my 6mo DS is really affecting my mental health.

A bit of background:

• Only one child, 6mo
• EBF although have begun weaning with little success (doesn't take anything from a spoon)
• Total bottle refusal
• Bedsharing
• DS will only sleep in pram or on a bed in the dark if I'm with him

Typical daily routine (we have established this almost accidentally)

• Awake at 7/8am
• First Nap in pram 9:30 ish for around one hour
• Breakfast (will not eat anything off spoon so all finger food)
• Playtime
• 1pm ish Afternoon Nap on my bed with me for 1/2 hours
• Lunch
• Playtime/Walk
• Early evening nap for an hour either in pram or on my bed again with me

AND THEN...

• DH arrives home about 7pm
• I serve tea
• DH baths DS
• I make DH's packed lunch
• I go to bed between 8/9 as DS bed shares and falls asleep at the breast

I'm so unhappy, I really feel like I'm failing and have so many concerns I feel overwhelmed.

• DS won't take a bottle and so I'm anxious about leaving him, and returning to work start of Nov

• I HATE the evening routine however when I tried the cot a few weeks ago he lasted about an hour in it before waking (took hours to get him in it)

• I have no time with DH

The problem is I'm so exhausted through poor sleep quality with bedsharing I cant muster the energy to kick start things.

SORRY FOR MOANING

I feel you, mate. My daughter has just turned one. My boys are 11 and nearly 5, and I breastfed them until they were around four or five months, at which point I went back to work. My daughter is a complete bottle/ formula/cows milk refuser. She won’t drink from a sippy cup, irrespective of whether the teat is rigid or silicone. She will consent to inefficiently take water from a teaspoon, thank fuck. I mostly work from home, otherwise I’d be suicidal rather than just at my wits end. She won’t sleep in a cot, so she’s in with me. She wakes up three or four times a night, and only cat-naps in the day. I haven’t hadn’t more than three, maybe four consecutive hours, since she was born. Last night, I had some loony idea that she was suffering from aspiration pneumonia, so stayed awake until four, when the out of hours doctor rang, so then just stayed awake, I’m fat, I’m knackered, I’m irritable. I don’t see anyone other than my mum (in her 70s; also fucking knackered). My eldest is a bloody hero who helps out so much, and is going to the grammar school having passed the eleven plus with precisely nil assistance from me. My younger son doesn’t get enough attention, and has taken to wetting the bed and getting in with me and his sister at three am, so I sleep at the bottom like the effing Isle of Man triskelion so that no-one falls out. I edit PhD theses for a living, and have a pretty solid reputation, but have had to cut way back. I have a face like a scone and an arse the size of Kettering, but she - like all my kids - is ridiculously beautiful: like, people-stop-me-in-the-street kind of beautiful and I love her fiercely, but she’s a fucking PITA. I keep saying something’s got to give, but I’ve been saying that for eight months.

My life was almost identical to yours at 6mo, but I have more dc. I found it quite hard and a bit depressing going to be so early - but I had to to keep sane because of lack of sleep.

Sleep didn't come until about 12 months but between 6 and 12 dc got marginally better and we did some bottle feeds. We were lucky he would take them. I have no advice really for getting them to take a bottle as we've always been lucky.

But I just wanted to offer you some solidarity, it is hard and you lose your own identity a bit. If there is anything you can do to have some time to you and feel yourself again I would really recommend it!

On a sleep note, things improved for us with a sleepy head.

Thank you so much everyone

And @KittyHawke80 that made me laugh out loud! You sound like you're doing an incredible job!!!

It wasn’t supposed to be funny . . .

Nah, kidding. But I am living a fucking nightmare. I hope your lot improves before your little special is one! X

Six months was the lowest point for me. We did gradual retreat too and it saved my sanity. Have you seen this thread? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/sleep/1394888-What-worked-for-us-Hope-this-helps

Sleep train if you want a different routine and lifestyle. Otherwise continue as you are.

I was in a similar situation a year ago (dd now 18 months). All kids are different, but if it helps things that worked for me:

Baby led weaning. Totally messy, occasionally soul destroying (lovely, healthy homemade food chucked unceremoniously on the floor!) But I just gave her the food and let her get on with it, didn't worry too much about how much she was eating but just let her play with textures/tastes. She now eats brilliantly, great appetite and loves fruit and veg.

Moving her into her own room. We co slept till 7 months. It was hard and I was up and down in the night a lot (bf at night still) but she definitely started sleeping better. Slept totally through the night at 12 months when I night weaned her.

Before moving into her own room I helped her learn to self settle for start of bedtime and naps in cot beside our bed (when she woke in night I continued to feed to sleep). It only took about a week I think, but think she was developmentally ready for it.

She was a total bottle refuser too! But liked the sippy cup, especially when it was open (she clearly loves making mess).

Childminder! She started going at 9 months, happily took milk in a cup or bottle(!!) off her, napped like an absolute star for her in their cot.

I read somewhere that if they start in their own beds they will eventually stop bed sharing when they sleep all night so with ds1 at 7 months when I was at breaking point sitting by his cot all night I put him to sleep in his own cot then resettled as needed if he woke after 11 I brought him in with me. We done this until he slept all night.

Second ds I done the same but in a diy co sleeper for 5 months then moved him into his own room again started in his own bed he also sleeps alone now.

I found during the night I was far to tired and couldn't cope with staying up (we tried everything) it was easier to work on bedtime and go from there. I would drop that last nap if he is tired he is more likely to fall asleep alone. Use sheets and blankets that smell of you.

"Good night, sleep tight" by Kim West is a brilliant book. It gives solutions/ scenarios for every age and it's not harsh but it is really helpful and gives you a managed programme to work through. I found it invaluable with my second.
In terms of your routine, I think you might be missing a natural bedtime with the late afternoon/ early evening nap. Maybe make that into bedtime.
Good luck, it is hard.

"Teach yourself baby sleep" by Andrea someone someone = bible.

Mine were like yours and although they were still a bit demanding in the evening this book gave me purpose!

I was in your position 6 months ago (minus breastfeeding because I can't). It does get better. I can put DS down for a nap now, we just kept putting him down, sometimes he'd stir and we'd have to pick him back up but that didn't last long, still have to get him to sleep first though. Same with the cot, let him fall asleep then move him into it. Sometimes he'd wake immediately so I'd put him back in my bed (genuinely too tired for anything else) but now he stays in his cot until early hours and then sleeps in with me until he gets up for the day. I haven't done anything drastic, just made myself keep putting him down and resettling if I needed to. I can't deal with crying so I couldn't do controlled crying or sleep training etc. It just doesn't work for us.
Basically what I'm trying to say is it does get better, and you won't be in this position for long even though it feels like forever right now

Not the quite the same, but my DTs are 6 months and I’m also feeling like I’m failing. It was all fun and games until we started weaning, I’d just started to feel like I had this shit under control, now with food it’s BAM! back to absolutely no idea what I’m doing. Feeding is so stressful, I’ve no idea if they’ve fed enough, guilt because I should be home cooking but am instead chucking pouches at them (in my defence they are organic and they taste alright!) worrying that I’m screwing up their tastebuds because of this and generally feeling like a proper shit mum and like everyone else in the whole world is great except for me.

I’d recommend a euan the dream sheep for your DS. That gets my two off to sleep and has done since they were born, sometimes combined with classical music. Controlled crying is pretty unpopular, but I have a baby who likes to cry herself to sleep on occasion (yes, she really does!) and with two it’s impossible to rock them at the same time so that happens here.

No idea on bottles (mine are ff) but could you try a sippy cup instead? My two loathe theirs with a teat, so I’m going to try a proper sippy cup.

You’re not alone, and I’m sure you’re doing great.

This too shall pass! A few weeks can make a tremendous difference with a baby that age!

I battled with my EBF daughters to get them to take a bottle, to no avail! With DD1, I was on a mission, as back then we only got 18 weeks' maternity leave! My GP did sign me off longer. In the end, she eventually took to the bottle and still drank the bloody thing until she was 4 at bedtime only. DD2 was more easygoing but didn't like the bottle either. They went to creche drinking maybe 2ozs bottle but they did drink from a sippy cup which is what I'd recommend to you.

I wish I had never bothered with the bottle! DS wouldn't entertain it at all. I gave up. He used a sippy cup and was on solids, I went back to work when he was 10 months. I co-slept with him until he was 4 (I loved it!) and many a night he was just waking up and basically helping himself, while I slept! I was 42, working fulltime, 2 older kids, had started a Masters when I went back to work, and I was shattered! Co-sleeping got me the maximum amount of sleep! At 22 months he just stopped breastfeeding and started sleeping through.

He was a demon for getting him to sleep on his own. I tried the 'pick up put down' method. One night I picked him up and put him down 69 times before I caved in. Will never forget it and he is nearly 15!

I did start moving further away each night though, first the end of the bed, then just outside the door, then along the landing, and eventually, it did work!

You could also try keeping him up later at night so your DH can spend some more time with him too.

You will work it out!

BTW DS co-slept with me until he was 4. I moved him into his own room before he started school. He was perfectly content! Don't listen to all that crap about, "you will never get them in their own room"!

Have you tried getting your DH to try settling the baby in the cot after a bedtime feed.

I think you've ended up in quite a complicated routine so no wonder you are fed up.

Some things that strike me-

• give breakfast before first nap and lunch before second nap. Hopefully naps will

Last longer.

• you do not need an evening nap and hopefully if the other two naps last longer you won't need this. This would also give you more time to yourself in the day.

Not sure on the stopping bed sharing as I've never done that.

I wouldn't go straight to the cot - there will be a lot of screaming/stress you don't need.
Will he sleep on you in front of the tv? Ours does and it means we get to watch something adult together at 9pm each night, before carrying baby up to bed at 11ish.

Oh and don't worry about the spoon. Finger food is much better.

My baby is nearly 10 months old and drinks milk from a sippy cup. It took a month from 7 to 8 months until she had properly figured it out and after that I gradually replaced breast feeds and just recently stopped breastfeeding all together. IT took a long time and lots of patience.

If you're having sleep problems at night maybe there are too many/too long naps during the day? My baby sleeps 1-2 hours a day usually just in one nap. She then sleeps 11-12 hours at night without waking. I might just be jealous though... She barely slept in the day at all for the first 5 months. No proper naps or anything... If she is still asleep after 2 hours in to her nap I go and wake her. She seems fine with it!

Just keep trying with the bottle, all I can suggest is repetition. Sorry I don't know about the sleep though.

I think other PP are right, around 6 mo can be a low point and it is likely that a few things will give in time. What you and he are doing is normal, so my first piece of advice is to remember that you aren’t doing anything wrong. You have permission to stay away from anyone whose child slept through the night from 6 weeks old though. Just as long as you r3member they aren’t superior parents, just lucky.

DS may not sleep through the night next week, but it is likely that he will begin to sleep for longer periods in the next few weeks and believe me, waking twice a night is better than three times, and waking once is better than two.

Your twin strategies of encouraging him to try bottles, and spend time in his cot are good ones, and there is good advice above to help out here. To add to this, something that worked for us was to leave my PJ top from the previous night in the cot so that the baby could smell it. If you are successful with introducing bottles, it might also be worth you going in a different room for a sleep whilst DH gives him the bottle.

It’s no wonder they use sleep deprivation as torture!

Thanks everyone! A few of you have mentioned the late nap and dropping it.

I do this so he can hang on for a late bath from DH when he gets in from work.

Catching up on all the comments and ideas now! X

Rather than battle the cot, you could try a mattress on the floor ('Montessori floor bed!'). DS went onto a double mattress on the floor from 12mo after cosleeping and it was great. I'd feed to sleep, escape once asleep and lie back with him if he woke.

I think it's really really hard to get a baby back into a cot so for me, I just couldn't have taken the battle. DD refused her cosleeper from 2 weeks and we battled the cot until she was about 7mo - giving up and accepting cosleeping was the best decision we made! She then went into a single bed at 16mo.

But when it came to doing it a second time with DS, we didn't even bother to try with a cot or cosleeper. It was so much better! And then transferring him onto the floor bed was just brilliant. I'd definitely do it this way again if we went for number 3.