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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I really don't know

37 replies

HerRoyalFattyness · 07/08/2018 19:40

This is going to be long...im sorry

DP is a stay at home dad to our 3 kids. (9, 4 and 3)
They are all hard work in their own ways.

DS1 has glue ear and suffers very badly from hearing loss because of it when hes having a bad time. This means DP often thinks DS1 is ignoring him when hes not.

DD has selective mutism. She is very loud and boisterous with me, and I am her safe person, but she isnt always able to tell her dad when something is bothering her. He feels pushed out by this.

DS2 is just a pain. We think he may be autistic, but not 100%. DP just says hes naughty all the time. (He isnt, hes just a little person struggling with the world)

I work 45 hours a week, and i have Aspergers, so i struggle with the world too. It may also be where a lot of the miscommunication stems from.

For context, i do understand that being at home with the kids is difficult. I was a SAHM for 8 years. (Only been working a year)

But... heres the AIBU bit.

DP doesnt do a lot of housework unless i push or nag for him to do it. He forgets to brush DDs hair and to brush the children's teeth etc (when theyre at school this isnt an issue because its part of my very strict school morning routine which being on the spectrum, i absolutely have to stick to)
They haven't had a shower in a week, despite him getting one every day, he can't be bothered washing the pots so is giving them paper plates to eat meals on, and is complaining he doesnt get time on the computer and tells me he doesnt feel loved.

Im trying my best. I really am. He asks for space, i give it him. He asks for attention, i give it him, he asks for time without the kids, i take them out of the house for an entire day when im not at work, he asks for family time, i arrange days out.

So i am trying. But AIBU to expect him to prioritise our children and home? I know hes finding it difficult, and it is the anniversary of his dads death tomorrow (11 years) but our kids still need to come first.
I do understand things are hard, but I am unable to do it all, and quite frankly it is his job as the stay at home parent to ensure the kids are properly looked after. Isnt it? Or am i missing something here?

Should i be trying harder? Doing more? I dont do much housework, but thats because i am physically and mentally exhausted after work. It is difficult with my aspergers to maintain the front of being "normal" and it exhausts me. I am disabled for crying out loud...but maybe im wrong...

So...am i being unreasonable?

OP posts:
sexnotgender · 07/08/2018 19:42

YANBU, if he’s a SAHD then he needs to actually attend to the children’s needs and parent them.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/08/2018 19:52

Have you considered that your husband simply isn't up to the task of being a full-time parent. Not doing basic housework is annoying and ridiculous, but not bathing the children for a WEEK is something else altogether. In my opinion it is neglect and abuse. Perhaps you need to consider other options for childcare.

Merryoldgoat · 07/08/2018 19:56

The housework I’m not sure - I’m at home at the moment on mat leave and don’t do much housework.

However leaving the kids dirty is unacceptable. He sounds like he’s struggling. What support are the children getting with their additional needs and can you both work?

UpstartCrow · 07/08/2018 19:58

Yanbu, its not you. Its him. He is not acting like the default SAHP.
Personally, I think he's taking the piss.

Oysterbabe · 07/08/2018 20:00

Yes he should be making sure the kids are clean, clothed and fed as job 1 and doing some housework when he gets chance.
Can you get a cleaner?

WhatAmISupposedToBeDoing · 07/08/2018 20:02

Sorry, what is he actually for? He isn't earning, and being present in the same address as the children isn't caring for them - ffs as a 16yo babysitter I could get my 3 charges washed, teeth cleaned, eczema cream on, proper breakfast and lunch and a.trip to the park when I did some summer holiday cover (this was quite a while ago!) He isn't contributing at all

WhatAmISupposedToBeDoing · 07/08/2018 20:04

Your husband needs to go back to work, hopefully his salary will cover childminders/a nanny and a weekly clean.

Rebecca36 · 07/08/2018 20:05

Sounds to me it's time you gave up altogether and ran for the hills.

Disquieted1 · 07/08/2018 20:06

Reverse

Original poster
HerRoyalFattyness · 07/08/2018 20:06

Support for kids is scarce.
DS1 has an appointment on the 15th to hopefukly get his hearing aids (at last! 4 years we've been fighting for something to be done about this!)
DDs speech therapist only works with the school senco as she feels we are doing exavtly what we need to.
DS2 i want to get the HV involved but DP wants to wait until hes in nursery in september and see what they say.

He can always phone my mum if he needs help (his is awful, abusive and not allowed near the kids because she has physically abused the oldest) but he refuses.

I can't get a cleaner because he refuses all help (and it would eat into our very small budget)

No chance of both of us working. We live in a deprived area and chilcare options are awful for older children. (Childminders are rubbish here, No after school club available at their school, no way could i afford a nanny and my mum isn't available as full time childcare)

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 07/08/2018 20:09

Why do you say childminders are rubbish? A childminder would do a far better job than your H and he might as well be useful and get his ass out earning money.

MoMandaS · 07/08/2018 20:10

Is your husband autistic as well? You haven't said he is but I just wanted to check. Why did you swap roles a year ago?

Original poster
HerRoyalFattyness · 07/08/2018 21:42

Disquieted1 i wish it were.

nick childminders in my area are rubbish. Obviously not all of them are, just the ones here. I have looked, and looked, and looked. None of them are suitable.

mo no hes not. He does suffer from depression since his brother killed himself though.

We swapped roles because he was on a zero hours contract, and i found a job that paid better and provided more security in terms of contracted hours etc.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 07/08/2018 21:43

Why aren’t they suitable? Like I said, they will do a better job than your h although it doesn’t solve all your problems.

Original poster
HerRoyalFattyness · 07/08/2018 21:46

They either can't take all of my children, or the house isnt suitable (think unsafe garden etc) or i just dont feel comfortable with them. Ive also seen 2 of them on school drop offs allowing children (toddlers) to just wander out into roads, and have witnessed them screaming at children. (Yes ive reported to ofsted.)
The good ones don't have availability.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 07/08/2018 21:47

So what are you going to do?

SwearyInn · 07/08/2018 21:55

Not a reverse @disquieted1

I wish people were more kind, rather than trying to be clever.

Original poster
HerRoyalFattyness · 07/08/2018 22:01

nick clearly i need to have words.

Just to be clear, this is a recent thing. I just wanted to make sure it wasnt unreasonable on my part before dealing with this.

OP posts:
Debinaround · 07/08/2018 22:25

UANBU.

What does he do with the kids all day? Does he take them out and entertain them or are they stuck in all day. I'm just thinking that when I'm out with the kids I leave the housework so it's there when DH gets home. Mind you, the kids are entertained and knackered when we get in so either me or DH will bath the kids and put them to bed and the other one will do a quick tidy up then we can relax together. If they are just sat in the house then that's not on.

What's going to happen when the little one starts school? Is he going to buck his ideas up? If not then maybe tell him that he needs to find some part time work.

bridgetreilly · 07/08/2018 22:26

It sounds as though he is focusing on the 'stay at home' part rather than the 'parent' part. If he is looking after two pre-schoolers all day, plus one older child before/after school, I don't think he should be expecting lots of computer time, for example. He needs to make sure that the children are clean, fed, appropriately entertained, and living in a safe, clean environment. You can negotiate, for example, about what housework gets done by the two of you in the evenings or at the weekend, but he needs to realise that he has a job to do while you are out at work.

It does sound as though his depression may be the cause for a lot of this. Is he on medication? I would suggest that he needs to see a doctor and either increase or start suitable medication. If this is the issue, then simply telling him to pull his socks up won't have much effect, I'm afraid.

Original poster
HerRoyalFattyness · 07/08/2018 23:22

deb he used to get them out, they used to have fun and do all sorts.
Its literally just these last few weeks. It started because he wasnt well, so things slipped a bit. I thought ok, fair enough, he isn't well. But now its just taking the piss.

I think bridget is right and he needs his meds reviewing.

Ive spoken to him tonight. He doesnt think hes depression is any worse...but he didnt think he was depressed in the first place.

Thanks everyone. As i said, i have apsergers, so i never know if im being U or not. I sometimes go OTT with things and blow them completely out of proportion, i just needed to know this wasnt one of those times.

OP posts:
BastardGoDarkly · 08/08/2018 06:47

Hey Fatty YANBU no.

once things have slipped though (with his illness) it can be hard to pull them back around, I get that. But he's got to hasn't he? This can't continue.

Have a word, he needs to get his shit together x

HolyPieter · 08/08/2018 07:00

Shit husband, shit dad.

If he doesn't get his act together within the next month then you're best off leaving him.

sonjadog · 08/08/2018 07:04

If this is just in the last few weeks and the anniversary of his Dad’s death is tomorrow, then I think you should give him a break. YABU.

Bananamanfan · 08/08/2018 07:04

YANBU and he should be at least making sure the dcs are clean and that there aren't dirty plates everywhere.
If he's not, I think you need to wash them before or after work. Does he realise that if he takes them out for a run around and does some activities with them, their behaviour will improve?
It does sound like borderline neglect. I think you need to pick up the slack when you are at home and consider longer term options.

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