I really don't know

[HerRoyalFattyness]

This is going to be long...im sorry

DP is a stay at home dad to our 3 kids. (9, 4 and 3)
They are all hard work in their own ways.

DS1 has glue ear and suffers very badly from hearing loss because of it when hes having a bad time. This means DP often thinks DS1 is ignoring him when hes not.

DD has selective mutism. She is very loud and boisterous with me, and I am her safe person, but she isnt always able to tell her dad when something is bothering her. He feels pushed out by this.

DS2 is just a pain. We think he may be autistic, but not 100%. DP just says hes naughty all the time. (He isnt, hes just a little person struggling with the world)

I work 45 hours a week, and i have Aspergers, so i struggle with the world too. It may also be where a lot of the miscommunication stems from.

For context, i do understand that being at home with the kids is difficult. I was a SAHM for 8 years. (Only been working a year)

But... heres the AIBU bit.

DP doesnt do a lot of housework unless i push or nag for him to do it. He forgets to brush DDs hair and to brush the children's teeth etc (when theyre at school this isnt an issue because its part of my very strict school morning routine which being on the spectrum, i absolutely have to stick to)
They haven't had a shower in a week, despite him getting one every day, he can't be bothered washing the pots so is giving them paper plates to eat meals on, and is complaining he doesnt get time on the computer and tells me he doesnt feel loved.

Im trying my best. I really am. He asks for space, i give it him. He asks for attention, i give it him, he asks for time without the kids, i take them out of the house for an entire day when im not at work, he asks for family time, i arrange days out.

So i am trying. But AIBU to expect him to prioritise our children and home? I know hes finding it difficult, and it is the anniversary of his dads death tomorrow (11 years) but our kids still need to come first.
I do understand things are hard, but I am unable to do it all, and quite frankly it is his job as the stay at home parent to ensure the kids are properly looked after. Isnt it? Or am i missing something here?

Should i be trying harder? Doing more? I dont do much housework, but thats because i am physically and mentally exhausted after work. It is difficult with my aspergers to maintain the front of being "normal" and it exhausts me. I am disabled for crying out loud...but maybe im wrong...

So...am i being unreasonable?

It isnt as simple as just leaving him (even if i wanted to, which i don't)
There are other factors to consider, like who the hell will watch the kids for me while im at work...or who will support me in my care needs considering the government thinks im able to do it all? (What they dont see is dp behind the scenes)
The point of this thread was to see if it was ok to raise this as an issue as i know i can get it wrong sometimes.

I have raised it last night. He has agreed to phone the doctor today and discuss whats going on, so a good first step i think?

Yanbu however I do wonder if he's depressed?

fatty that’s good that he’s going to speak to the docs. It does sound like he is slipping back.
I think i would be happy for him to leave the housework (although clean dishes are a must!) if he’s taken them out. But being clean is a must too.

As it's a recent thing then I think you were right to have a chat in a non-confrontational way about the issues.

Agreeing to see the docs is progress and I wouldn't get too hung up on the housework just now provided that the basics are done such as laundry so everyone has clean clothes to wear & the kitchen being clean so that food can be prepared but to be honest I'd let the paper plates thing slide during the holidays unless the kids are complaining.

As for showering the kids etc could you write out your regular morning routine for him/them to follow? It may not be at the usual times but if it's there for all to see there's a better chance of things being done.

I completely understand your issues with childcare as I used to live in a place with very limited childcare options & whilst MrFatty May not be at the top of his game just now the kids will be comfortable with him whereas they may struggle to settle with a childminder.

Given the circumstances I don't think you need to LTB just yet.

Whiskey's suggestion of lists is good. My DH is lovely and great fun. But not well organised domestically. He has full responsibility for our DD, 9 2-4 days per week when I do sleep in shifts (25 hours). He works FT though. And we have after school childcare until 5pm if needed.
So I have written out a timetable of her school and after school activities and have basic needs listed too. Teeth/ hair/wash etc. It's really raised his game!
I also insisted that we have a dishwasher and it's been made clear that he should have unloaded/reloaded it st least once while I'm away overnight.

As the SAHP did you have groups or favourite activities that you could pass on to him? It might help him plan/DP stuff with the kids.
My DH doesn't necessarily want to be in a group of mum's/kids, but happy to go to organised events where they will see friends. I have given him a list of suggestions for cheap local activities (he's v good at the more expensive and adventurous ones!)
I guess I'm saying have ongoing chats with your DP about what can help him to do what he needs to and to enjoy it more. Focussing on his positives has been useful and motivates him 😂.

He thinks he may be on the spectrum, never tested, so we sort of work with the strengths of that and take into account his periodic depressions.

Make sure he knows that kids change their allegiances and to try to to take it personally. If he just keeps working at being the best dad he can I'm sure things will change there.

Have you used any makaton with yr DD that he could learn to communicate with? Has helped my DD communicate when she can't bring herself to utter her thoughts or feelings.
Having said all that, I'm in hospital awaiting an operation and he has had to step up in my (unplanned) absence - I'll just shut my eyes when I go home!!!

Good luck with your situation.

A list is a good idea. I like lists.
And to be fair, he did ask me to write him a list of chores whrn we spoke last night.

So a timetable to follow with the kids routine on...
A list of daily, weekly and monthly chores
I didn't go to groups etc because being autistic made it difficult and not many people understand sm so my dd felt pressured to speak when we did try. Maybe i could look into activities for him to do locally?

"Shit husband, shit dad.

If he doesn't get his act together within the next month then you're best off leaving him."

Shit response.

Like anyone reasonable would just leave their partner of at least 10 years, who they have 3 kids with because he had slipped in his ability to take care of the kids and house for a few weeks.

Especially when diagnosed with depression.

Self care is what my depressive episodes tend to affect but I only have one child and everyone's depression is different. Sadly he may not have noticed he wasn't taking proper care of them because depression can skew your view of things and many head drugs effect cognitive thinking.

It's good that he's seeking help because it defitinetly sounds like his depression has worsened based on the information given.

*Shit husband, shit dad.

If he doesn't get his act together within the next month then you're best off leaving him*

You don't leave someone just because they have depression. Which is being made worse by the anniversary of their father's death. Wow.

He has agreed to phone the doctor today and discuss whats going on, so a good first step i think?

Well done you and well done him. That's a hard conversation to have, but very necessary to get things improving. I hope the doctor is helpful.

I would leave the suggestions for groups/activities until he's doing a bit better, tbh. Focus on the small but necessary things. Lists of chores and routines is an excellent idea.

Would getting an app on his phone that sent diary reminders help you both by prompting him with tasking - or would he find it busy body micromanaging ?

Lists are done. Going to type them up, then print and laminate them tomorrow.

(I love laminating stuff...laminating my house would be awesome, so easy to keep clean then )
Ive asked if he would be comfortable finding activities. He says no, so im not going to push it. The fact he has an appointment for the doctor (monday morning) and that he is actually listening to me and asking me to make lists is good, and i dont want to push too hard.