Relationship with a narcissist

[Sinceslicedbread]

AIBU to ask if anyone here has been in a relationship with a narcissist? I've started to a lot of research on this, and every time I read about the relationship between the narcissist and the other person, I'm like YES, YES, YES. There's so many things I can recognise and agree with.

Get out now. It will only get worse and worse until you feel like you’ve lost your mind. Honestly, you will gain nothing from staying.

Yes. Not a diagnosis but certainly had all of the associated traits. As PP said, get out while you can. In hindsight, all the lovely bits of the relationship were an act, part of the theatre. They also mess with your head and upset you as you think 'what happened to the lovely person I knew'. That bit is the lie.

According to threads here, most people do but that's more about bandying the term around despite having no professional qualifications nor the 'narcissist' having a diagnosis.

I did, it was the worst few years of my life, met him through work and he swept me off my feet, 3 separate women contacted me on social media warning me off him including the other of his DD and I didn't listen like an idiot, he nearly destroyed me. I finally found the courage to leave and it was the best thing I ever did, vile vile man and I hate him so much

According to threads here, most people do but that's more about bandying the term around despite having no professional qualifications nor the 'narcissist' having a diagnosis. This. Somebody acting in a way you don't like doesn't make them a narcissist.

OP What aspect of their behaviour leads you to think you are in a relationship with a narcissist?

Does it really matter if someone is a narcissist or not? If they don’t make you feel happy, secure and loved they’re not the one for you.

My father is.

Going NC with him is the best thing I've ever done in my life.

Fundamentally though, whatever label you choose for someone's behaviour, if you are unhappy then you just need to leave. Being unhappy is a valid reason in itself.

Narcissist hmm. This means you will ALWAYS be less jmportant to.him than you want to be. So if you want a relationship you need to find someone less in love with him/her self.

Picking this up as in the same situation I think. But I have 2 kids with him so it's going to be hard to go NC.

How are you coping sinceslicedbread?

Yes. The worse four years of my life. I am not joking when I say it couldn't have been worse if I had gone to prison- or been kidnapped.

It's like living with a Dementor- they just suck all life and hope and love out of you, and then complain it's not enough and y=it's all your fault and you need to do more.

Awful. They are incapable of proper relationships.

Yes, my husband is a narcissist. My best friend warned me 5 years ago but he got into my head and turned me against her.

It's turned me into a weak, self conscious person who is always 2nd guessing every choice and decision.

Not a relationship, but have had the misfortune to meet a few. Not just badly behaved or selfish, but actual ones. I went to counsell8ng about one and afte4 a few sessions the counsellor identified they mus5 be a narc. That’s diagnosis enough, for me.
They’re literally like machines, inexhaustible, unreachable, unchangable. And utterly avoidable if you value your mental health. Read as much as you can, it all says RUN!!! Avoid at all costs.

Yes, my STBXH is a narcissist. Get out, whilst you are still ok. My ex is a manipulative liar, who can be utterly charming but who systematically tried to completely destroy/erase me. I am completely fucked in the head now, as a result.

They care about no-one but themselves, other humans are disposable, and when they’ve had enough of you they will want to hurt you.

My dad's a narcissist. An egotistical bully who was also a black hole for love and affection. My life got a lot better when I cut him out but he caused a lot of damage.

Stbx bil fits the description of a narcissist perfectly. He's stbx for a reason - after 20 years dsis realised she couldn't do it any more. Sadly, as they have a dd, she still has to attempt to communicate with him.

My mother was a narcissist. I am 46. She has been dead for 18 months. I am only just scratching the surface of the damage she inflicted upon me as a child and as an adult. I can say that her final months nearly killed me. She manipulated all and sundry to get her way, revelled in the spotlight her illness threw her into, lied to all and sundry about exactly what her illness was (it became more and more exotic by the day, but she never, ever admitted that it was simply emphysema and lung cancer), she cried and played the innocent victim if she thought it would work, she screamed abuse, she bit me on my face and then spat in the wound while I was trying to lift her up in bed. She refused to be hospitalised, and refused home care. (I paid for this myself in the last two weeks for four hours at night so I could get some sleep. In Australia it is REALLY expensive, btw). You can only have a relationship with a narcissist if you are a mirror.

"It's like living with a Dementor..." this is an absolutely perfect description. Op don't volunteer to have a relationship with someone with a personality disorder. However... Mn is very very keen on the word "narcissist" because too many watch channel 5 "psychology" documentaries and appeared to be completely ignorant of any other potential diagnosis. Narcissism is fashionable. The reality is soul destroying. Be aware of the difference between a Dementor and a perfectly normal human being displaying perfectly normal levels of narcissism who also just happens to be an arse!

We came up with the dementor analogy for my narcissistic FiL a year or so ago. One Christmas, all the ingredients for a wonderful family celebration were there, but he sucked all the joy out of it, which they often do at special occasions to ensure they are still centre of attention. Now we just wait for him to fall asleep before bothering with family niceties.
You are not his partner, you are his supply to make him feel good and superior. I'm sure you can and do have nice times with him, but every decision he ever makes will always serve his own needs first. What the rest of the world sees him as will he more important than what you see behind closed doors. I'm sure you would have a much happy life alone. Take lots of care.

Yes, exBF was diagnosed with narcissistic histrionic personality disorder. He turned me into a shell of myself. I’m friends with all my other exes. Not him.

Run for the hills.

According to threads here, most people do but that's more about bandying the term around despite having no professional qualifications nor the 'narcissist' having a diagnosis.

Narcissism is a scale and we’re all on it somewhere. If someone is at the further end of the scale they can be called narcissistic. That’s not the same as saying someone has NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) which is very serious and does indeed require a professional diagnosis.

Plenty of us know narcissistic individuals and can identify narcissistic traits without needing, or indeed claiming, to be a psychologist.

My DP has done one of those “how much of a narcissist are you?” quizzes and came out at about the same level as a celebrity! Think his score was in the 30s, by contrast mine was 9!

He is genuinely a lovely bloke but my god he thinks highly of himself, he cannot empathise with others if they feel differently to him, he is very much of the opinion that he’s better than most other people and is jealous of those he deems more successful etc.

His favourite phrase when he’s not getting what he wants is “don’t they know who I am?!” which is said in jest, but has undertones of “many a true word..”

Luckily he sees this in himself and he is in therapy - he has made some really helpful changes but he will always be one of those people with high confidence (or at least who presents himself with high confidence even when he’s not feeling it).

Accepting that and also recognising when he behaves badly due to shame (when he is caught out not having done something he said he would or criticised in any way, he flies off the handle easily, especially at work, which is something he’s working on at therapy).

Being able to see the wounded child inside him, who is desperate to show how special he is and to be loved, helps me to accept him for who he is. That sounds patronising, but actually as well as being an alpha male and narcissist he’s also quite needy as apparently most narcissists are, so he likes having me affirm that he is loved even at his least loveable. I’ve found this the easiest and quickest way to bring him ‘back’ if he’s having a moment!

Not a romantic relationship, but my mother is a narcissist. Made my life hell. I'm NC with her now and can't ever see that changing. Both of my parents physically and mentally abused me all my life. She sent me a letter last year telling me that she wanted to 'get this sorted' and that "I want you to come and apologise"

It's impossible to have a relationship with a narcissist.

I went out with someone who exhibited many narcissistic behaviours. I was doubting my own sanity by the end. Get out while you can. This will not get better.