Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be wondering about friend

50 replies

legobox · 06/08/2018 22:46

Yes I have namechanged, and fuck off Daily Mail, you're all bastards!

I feel such a bitch about this.

A friend of mine was widowed earlier this year (about 6 months ago). It was all quite sudden and obviously very sad. I'm just a bit concerned that she seems to have 'moved on' quite quickly. I'm not expecting her to be crying everytime I see her but she's basically back to normal.

I think what really i notice is that she seems very close to a male friend. They've been friends for years, but they seem to be together an awful lot since her dh passed away. They're always taking her kids out for day trips and stuff like that. Obviously I'm happy that she has support but I'm worried about her a bit too.

AIBaB (am i being a bitch?)

OP posts:
iggleypiggly · 06/08/2018 22:47

Grief can come about in many ways, if she seems ok and is trying to live a ‘normal’ life with her DC I can’t see how it concerns you? Hmm

waxy1 · 06/08/2018 22:47

You’re being a bit odd.

Hippopotas · 06/08/2018 22:53

Yes

HoleyCoMoley · 06/08/2018 22:54

What is it you're worried about, that she has support, a good male friend, seems settled.? Are you feeling a bit jealous.

Tistheseason17 · 06/08/2018 22:56

Emotional support can come from male friends, too

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 06/08/2018 22:58

What exactly are you concerned about?

Pebblesandfriends · 06/08/2018 22:58

You should be pleased she has support and feels able to move forwards with her life. It doesn't mean she lives him any less or has forgotten. There's no right time.

Polkapjs · 06/08/2018 22:58

Of course she won’t be back to normal. She needs to find a new normal. Be there. Don’t disappear and recommend WAY charity to her if you can.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 06/08/2018 22:58

People Can move on very scarily fast
One man took 3 weeks
We were discussing this earlier

Honestly she has
Made her decision

It’s Completely normal to feel a bit Hmm so maybe distance yourself for a while

Notevilstepmother · 06/08/2018 23:02

Mind your business.

Original poster
legobox · 06/08/2018 23:03

Ok. I was expecting to get my arse handed to me.

We're not that close and i don't think I'm jealous (I'm happy with dh and dc). I guess it just seems a bit quick. Another mutual friend said they had noticed she was with her friend a lot, and that the kids seem to be getting on very well with him. I think he must be single, just because he's around quite a lot (they've both picked kids up from school etc).

I am pleased that she has support, but just a bit surprised that she's as together as she is as she and late DH had been together a long time. Oh, I don't know! It just made me think I suppose!

OP posts:
Marvellouspeonies · 06/08/2018 23:03

Speaking as somebody who was widowed suddenly and unexpectedly 4 years ago, I would just say that on the surface I probably looked as though everything had returned to normal and that I had everything under control. That was how I coped with becoming a single mother to 2 children under 4. During the day routine and activities kept me sane but as soon as the children were in bed I would collapse emotionally. I would still be there for your friend, offer support and try very hard not to judge. I found (and indeed still find) that grief very much comes in waves and I’m sure she will still need a great deal of emotional support. I would second WAY as an incredible source of comfort and support.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 06/08/2018 23:05

if you're not that close why the hell have you started a thread about it? concentrate on your own life!

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 06/08/2018 23:09

Stop judging her. And gossiping about her to your other friend.
So what if she is close to this man? What business is it if yours? What's the exact problem here?

Polkapjs · 06/08/2018 23:10

Nobody knows what it’s like until in that position. Help don’t judge.

FishingIsNotASport · 06/08/2018 23:12

Well as you are not close friends then you have no idea what the state of her relationship with her husband was like. They may have been on the verge of separating for all you know. None of us really knows what goes on behind the front doors of others. If a man was dating so soon after his wife's death not many people would comment - I've seen it happen several times. Women are expected to go into extended mourning while men are told 'Life goes on. She wouldn't have wanted you to be lonely" etc. Perhaps try not to judge, you never know what life may throw at you.

Phosphorus · 06/08/2018 23:14

People aren't always grief stricken when a spouse dies.

It isn't really the same as losing a parent or child.

Some people will be deeply unhappy for years, but not everyone.

CherryBlossom321 · 06/08/2018 23:15

YABVU. And judgemental.

RedHelenB · 06/08/2018 23:15

Agree with fishing, the number of affairs/abuse of peopke that were widowed that I know surprised me greatly.

CSIblonde · 06/08/2018 23:17

I don't think Ieaning on a male friend is odd. I have platonic male friends who are way better at emotional support than my female friends. If that's the support she needs, what are you concerned about. From experience, 6months on is still beyond raw in the grief process, the public 'i'm doing ok' thing you do isn't necessarily how things are, but people get embarrassed if you don't look like you're coping.

28holid · 06/08/2018 23:23

We're not that close

So you have no fucking idea how she is actually coping Hmm

Justgettothepoint · 06/08/2018 23:29

Maybe she's missing male company and he was just there at the right time? She may be seeing it as totally platonic and he may not? People deal with grief differently and having dcs means she has had to be strong for their sake. Life is short just be glad for yr friend and be around if it turns into a fling and she's upset at the fallout. Tbh though sounds like this could be more permanent if no t now then could develop at a later stage.

GreatWesternValkyrie · 06/08/2018 23:34

I guess it just seems a bit quick

My mother was widowed after 50 years of marriage, she went out and about all over the place for the first six months, seeing friends, day trips, shopping - anything that meant she was distracted from the terrible loss she felt, until it became a bit easier to be at home without my Dad there. I’d be very ashamed of any of her friends if they said what you’ve said.

If you don’t have anything supportive or useful to offer her, then perhaps just stop discussing her grief with other people - or rather, your perceived lack of it.

lonelypolyinthevillage · 06/08/2018 23:39

What is there in the situation you describe that worries you? It all sounds good to me.

dippyeggsandsoldiers · 06/08/2018 23:41

You know yabu. It's got nothing to do with you, if you were really her 'friend' you'd be offering her support and making sure she knows you are there for her, not bitching about her personal life on here.