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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be wondering about friend

50 replies

legobox · 06/08/2018 22:46

Yes I have namechanged, and fuck off Daily Mail, you're all bastards!

I feel such a bitch about this.

A friend of mine was widowed earlier this year (about 6 months ago). It was all quite sudden and obviously very sad. I'm just a bit concerned that she seems to have 'moved on' quite quickly. I'm not expecting her to be crying everytime I see her but she's basically back to normal.

I think what really i notice is that she seems very close to a male friend. They've been friends for years, but they seem to be together an awful lot since her dh passed away. They're always taking her kids out for day trips and stuff like that. Obviously I'm happy that she has support but I'm worried about her a bit too.

AIBaB (am i being a bitch?)

OP posts:

hiphopchick · 06/08/2018 23:41

You seem awfully over-invested in something that has shag-all to do with you, and actually a little bit jealous tbh.

You are also quite arrogant to assume the Daily Mail is going to want to run your little story.

It's REALLY not interesting . I don't think the Daily Mail will be bothering you somehow!

Oh and YABU!

Apehouse · 07/08/2018 07:01

There’s no obligation to grieve. She’s single now and as long as she’s looking after her kids she can do what she wants. Be glad for her.

NotBuiltForThisWorld · 07/08/2018 07:11

How lovely that she's got someone loving and supportive after what must have been a traumatic time. Would you rather she was struggling on her own? It might be a rebound situation, who knows but if nothing else it will be bolstering her emotionally and that's to the benefit of her kids.

StepBackNow · 07/08/2018 07:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 07/08/2018 07:24

People deal with grief very differently. Just support her and her decisions. Never ever tell her you think she's death with it wrongly...you never truly know what going on behind closed doors.

I went for a job interview 5 days after my mum died and a friend still reminds me of that years later and tells me she doesn't think I've dealt with it properly. It's definitely affected my friendship with her.

mrsnec · 07/08/2018 07:26

Someone I know who was widowed just before Christmas had moved on with someone else very quickly and they're having to hide it from a lot of people which must be terribly hard and stressful on top of still coping with grief. I can't imagine how hard it must be for both parties and wish people would just live and let live.

I also think that behind closed doors they might not be coping as well as you think.

I get judgy about people in certain circumstances.This isn't one of them.

If you are generally concerned and want to reach out then you should.

WillowRose79 · 07/08/2018 07:27

Got absolutely nothing to do with you. If she's happy leave her be

YeTalkShiteHen · 07/08/2018 07:31

Honestly? Whatever she needs to do to get her through the day is fine.

My Dad is lost without my Mum, she died last year. He’s lost a fuck ton of weight (despite me batch cooking so he can just chuck it in the micro at home and also having him here for meals), he plods through each day working his arse off and spends time with us and the kids but it literally is existing.

He has a friend who has been wonderful, she doesn’t have an agenda she’s just there for him. She was widowed many years ago so understands, and he vehemently denied anything romantic (no idea why because it wasn’t suggested). I found myself hoping that it would be because hopefully then he wouldn’t be so desperately lonely, and neither would his friend.

Loneliness breaks people, so I reckon if your friend is doing what she needs to do to combat that, fair enough.

Missingstreetlife · 07/08/2018 07:40

Some people do move on quickly, sometimes they feel the loss later, sometimes it's only a transitional relationship. People do lots of strange things when bereaved. She is not hurting anyone or taking any big risk. Let her talk.

WaterOffaDucksCrack · 07/08/2018 07:41

Feel sorry for any children you may have, a proper ray of sunshine for a mother what a nasty overreaction! You feel sorry for her children because of a comment she made about the daily mail? I hope the poster in question doesn't have fertility problems like many on mumsnet.

FannyCornforth · 07/08/2018 07:45

What hiphopchick said was perfectly reasonable.
OP sounds pretty horrid. Poor widowed lady.

TheCakeCrusader · 07/08/2018 07:57

You are not a close friend therefore you have no idea of how she is really coping with her grief. What does it matter to you if she ‘appears’ to have moved on in your eyes apart from to use her as gossip! This is how malicious rumours start...

IceCreamFace · 07/08/2018 08:01

What are you actually worried about?

If she has actually got over her period of mourning that quickly and found a genuine relationship with a friend then good for her! Brilliant! As her friend you should be delighted for her!

If in fact she's actually in denial then again you just have to be supportive you can't try to dictate how she mourns her husband you can just be there for her.

heartsease68 · 07/08/2018 08:04

If you haven't been there, don't judge.

TheLionRoars1110 · 07/08/2018 08:07

What are you 'concerned' about? That she's moved on with her friend? So what if she has? I think you should stay out of it particularly as you're not a close friend.

Rosielily · 07/08/2018 08:10

I'm not expecting her to be crying everytime I see her but she's basically back to normal.

Really? That could well be her public face. You have no idea what she is like behind closed doors.

AnnieAnoniMoose · 07/08/2018 08:38

Just keep in touch with her. Just a quick text, occasional coffee etc, be around.

Her marriage might not have been great, her and this guy might just be friends or whatever. It’s also possible she had a fabulous marriage but she’s managed to get herself to a great place where she sees that life is for living and as much as she misses her late dh, he’s not coming back. I know people who are happily remarried, but still grieve for their late dh’s It’s a complete

On the other hand she might still be a complete mess and without realising it throwing herself into a new relationship because it's great feel special, wanted, loved and part of a couple...and it might not work out, then she will really need her friends.

IceCreamFace · 07/08/2018 08:46

I also think after a bereavement you initially have a lot of support but it quickly evaporates and people don't want to be brought down by someone who is always feeling low. They also have lots of opinions about how you should grieve. My mum got quite a few negative comments after my dad died because she decided to redo parts of the house (which was disrespectful apparently).

peachgreen · 07/08/2018 08:49

Good Lord. I'd be delighted if a friend of mine who had suffered such an awful bereavement had found some kind of happiness again. In fact I've already told DH that if anything ever happens to me I want him to wholeheartedly throw himself into meeting someone else as soon as possible and live a very happy life free of any guilt whatsoever.

YeTalkShiteHen · 07/08/2018 08:49

They also have lots of opinions about how you should grieve

God yes! No idea why people think it’s in any way acceptable to pass comment on the way people grieve!

I’ve had comments that I “bounced back” after Mum died. Er no, I’m on a fuck ton of meds to get through the day, have PTSD and feel like a fucking shell.

But I also have 3 kids who are grieving too, and they needed to get to school/nursery so I didn’t have the luxury of not getting out of bed.

Apparently that means I’m fine

Ionlylookatthepictures · 07/08/2018 08:54

I think the op is getting an unnecessarily hard time on here, but such is the way of Mumsnet: some people love to wade in on AIBU and make people feel like shit for being ‘awful people’. Ironic.

Op, it’s not unreasonable to wonder how people’s minds work during periods of trauma or stress. It’s not unreasonable to question how long it takes someone to grieve (answer: there is no answer), and it’s not unreasonable to wonder if maybe, just maybe, your friend has had ‘long enough’ to recover and might be rebounding rather quickly, possibly out of fear of being alone, especially if kids are involved who are going through bereavement themselves.

It is unfair to judge her as doing the ‘wrong thing’, because none of us can possibly know what the right or wrong thing is in this situation. I think the only thing you can do is support her as much as possible, and if apt, her children too.

But YANBU to wonder, if that is all you are doing, and to take it as an insight into the human mind and how it deals with circumstances that we can only hope we don’t have to experience too soon. YWBU to judge harshly and to gossip.

Sparklesocks · 07/08/2018 10:07

Grief is so complex and strange, it’s unpredictable and affects everyone very differently. You essentially have a ‘new normal’, your life is split into two sections – before and after.
People cope in different ways, and I think it’s only a positive thing that she is being supported by this friend. Also as others have pointed out, you only know what you see – not how she is behind closed doors. We all put on our masks for the outside world in some way or another, and that is especially true for grief – some people don’t like to show their vulnerability to the world. You said yourself you don’t know her very well, so you don’t really know.

There is no correct or wrong way to grieve. Let her do it her way. If anything, allow her privacy and don’t scrutinize her behaviour.

Bellyscreen · 07/08/2018 10:15

Are you trying to insinuate that she was cheating on her husband before he died? Because a friend of mine, her (now) husband was widowed months before they got together. It turned out that 1) he’d been very unhappily married and 2) he’d always secretly loved my friend. He was accused of having cheated on his wife before she died because of how ‘quickly’, it wasn’t true.

CornforthWhite · 07/08/2018 14:10

Gosh. I hope you go before your husband and never have to experience grief.

NonaGrey · 07/08/2018 14:21

But YANBU to wonder, if that is all you are doing

But that’s not all she’s doing. She’s publicly questioning this woman’s actions.

OP quite frankly you deserve to “have your arse handed to you” for this thread.

You know nothing about what this woman’s life is like or how she is managing.

Leave the poor woman alone - I hope to hell you haven’t expressed any of these views to anyone in real life.

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