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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think he wouldn't have said this to a man?

66 replies

GunpowderGelatine · 06/08/2018 16:12

A bit of back story about my crappy weekend which is kind of relevant to my AIBU...

DS (18 months) broke his elbow on Friday at soft play (he was standing on a little foam hump and fell off and landed his full body weight onto his arm Sad). It's been a crap weekend of being in hospital, x-rays, and a baby in lots of pain. Today we were waiting to hear from the surgeon to see if DS would need surgery. We were told we'd be called at some point this afternoon.

We'd booked DD (6) on a Greatest Showman musical workshop for today. Dropped her off this morning and there'd be a 5 minute performance at 3pm. DH took the afternoon off work to see it.

We didn't know if we'd both make it because one of us needed to stay at home to hear from the surgeon (we live rurally and don't get mobile signal so our contact number is our landline). Luckily he rang at 2.30pm to say that he's confident DS doesn't need surgery and his elbow will heal without it (yay!). So, we technically had enough time to both make it - but half way there there was an accident and traffic backed up. It meant that, to make it for 3pm, I just got out the car down the road on my own and legged it into the venue. There just wasn't enough time for DH to park up, get DS out etc.

When I got to the room where the performance was happening, parents had to stand against the back wall. I spotted a gap big enough for me, next to a bloke who was about 6ft (I'm 5'6) so squeezed into it.

Just as the performance finished, and everyone was applauding I heard the bloke behind me shout "Thank you so much" but didn't hear the rest of it because of the noise. I assumed he was thanking the performers. Then when the clapping died down he shouted (repeated) "Thank you so much for standing in my way the whole time so I couldn't see a thing". I realised he was talking to me so turned round and said "excuse me?" And he repeated himself (again shouting). I snapped "you should have said something rather than waiting until it was over and shouting at me". He looked a bit taken aback, I expect it's because I look meek. I was standing slightly in front and to the side of him (so not shoulder to shoulder) I don't see how he couldn't have seen. If he'd said something, I'd have crouched down to watch it. He only had to ask.

I was mortified, I started a job 2 weeks ago and a colleague was nearby, and I'm sure everyone heard (my DD certainly did as she asked afterwards who the man was who shouted at me). I've come away pleased that I didn't just say "oh sorry" (once upon a time I would have) but also furious. Probably hasn't helped that my weekend has been crap with my poor little DS, or that I felt bad DH missed the performance, but i am now incandescent with rage - because he would not have said that to a man, would he? If my (well built) DH had gone in and not me, he'd have kept schtum. I get so sick of putting up with this bollocks because people think women can't/won't fight back.

OP posts:
Truckingonandon · 06/08/2018 16:41

Just think, fuck you, in your mind and move on. Not worth letting him get to you so much. That said, I can't see any misogynists turning up on this thread. As a pp just said, people can disagree with you without being misogynists.

EmilyDickinson · 06/08/2018 16:43

A man might shout rudely at another man, granted. But, unless drunk, he'd think twice as there's always a chance that another man would react physically. Men like that think they're "safe" being unpleasant, rude or aggressive to women because they don't think there will be any consequences.

eggsandwich · 06/08/2018 16:46

I would of told him to bring a step ladder next time then he might get a better view.

WeAreGerbil · 06/08/2018 16:46

I once said to a bloke who was abusive to me that he wouldn't have said that to a man and he said "no I would have hit a man" Shock. I bet he wouldn't have though.

mumsastudent · 06/08/2018 16:47

chill - if I were there from what you have said I might accidently :) have trod on his foot & said sorry - I am sure nobody would have thought worse of you - they probably thought he was rude.- if he had quietly said something at the time but he was 6 inches taller? forget it.dont worry at least you saw dc & baby isn't going to have op.

Lizzie48 · 06/08/2018 16:48

I agree, OP. Some men are aggressive to women with children but not when it's a man with the children. There is a man living near my DDs' school, he's put illegal 'no parking' signs on his garden wall. It's a perfectly legitimate place to park, safe and it's not permit holders only. I once parked there when picking up my DDs because I was sick of always having to find somewhere else. He had a right go at me, threatened to call the police. I defended myself before driving home with the DDs. Over a year later, they still recall 'the angry man'.

My DH parked there another time whilst on the school run. Surprise, surprise, the 'angry man' didn't make an appearance. Because my DH is a man and 6'5 (although in reality a gentle giant Grin).

mumsastudent · 06/08/2018 16:49

ps qualifies as one of those days - just think - one day you will actually laugh at this!

funinthesun18 · 06/08/2018 16:50

Just been thinking about this. There are some men who wouldn’t dream of saying it to another man because they don’t want to cause a fight but would say it to a woman because they assume the woman will just take it (which is where I agree with your AIBU)
But then there are some men who like to act all macho and love a confrontation with another man. Some men REALLY hate other men.

upsideup · 06/08/2018 16:53

My experiance is that most men avoid picking on or shouting at me probably because I'm a woman and that they are more likely to start being or aggresive and shouting at DH other nothing or even something I've done because hes a man.
You have no idea if he would have said it to a man.

IDontEatFriedTurtle · 06/08/2018 16:55

It’s like when people kick off with noisy toddlers/their mum on the bus but don’t have the balls to kick off with a group of noisy teenagers on the bus. Cowards basically.

Yep!

YANBU btw OP.

Mitzimaybe · 06/08/2018 16:58

"You know that men suffer significantly more stranger aggression & violence in public than women do?"

From women?

No, thought not.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 06/08/2018 17:01

Sheesh all around the houses but got there in the end BrewCake

I absolutely do know some men that would say this to another man, FIL for one but he wouldn't ever say it to a woman!

Take a breather and let it go.

roundturnandtwohalfhitches · 06/08/2018 17:04

But its not just men who say things to women they wouldn't say to men. Women (arseholes) do too. Yesterday- the woman who tutted and bitched at me for spending a whole 20 seconds collecting my cinema tickets. The woman in the pool at the gym who wanted her daughter to have a swimming lane and sat there and sounded off at her daughter when I was doing lengths - but not about the big man just floating in the other lane. If we're not physically intimidating - arseholes will be arsey.

NotBuiltForThisWorld · 06/08/2018 17:04

My XH pointed something out to me once (when I was scolding some large teenagers for littering in the park) - he was lurking back and I asked him why he didn't help me. He said they're not likely to hit a woman in public (privately may well be another matter) but won't be so shy about hitting a bloke.

Now I don't know if that's true or not, it gave me pause for thought at the time - certainly the recent footage of the woman in paris being decked was shocking (but perhaps that's because brawls are between blokes usually)...

But I don't think he had a pop at you because you're a woman from what you've said. He was a tit for waiting til the end and I wouldn't have apologised or grovelled for forgiveness - it would have been more than easy to gently nudge you or say something during the show. It marks him out as a tit, like I say, but not a misogynist.

Hope your little one is better soon, sounds like a fraught time.

Mookatron · 06/08/2018 17:04

Urgh getting a seat at kids' performances is the most stressful thing ever. I accidentally had a screaming fishwife row (sexist expression) with another mum at one once, I can't even remember why now, except she wrongly told me I was middle class and entitled. I'm sure I behaved badly too. It doesn't sound like you behaved badly but even so all you can do is pull the arrow out, move on, and forget it.

diddl · 06/08/2018 17:05

I wonder if a man would be so PA to another-or just ask them to move?

I'm just under 5ft & push my way to the front with the knowledge that everyone can see over meGrin

rwalker · 06/08/2018 17:32

basically you blocked someones view and they told you about it and straight away it's because you are a women ? you sound like you have chip on your shoulder

KurriKurri · 06/08/2018 17:34

He was just an arse. Can't stand people who passive aggressively say 'thank you for ' the only answer is 'you're welcome, any time'

You didn't block his view, unless you are Marge Simpson.

SoleBizzz · 06/08/2018 17:43

The twit is 6 inches taller than you. How the heck were you blocking his view?
Very strange.

sophiec123 · 06/08/2018 17:44

I have this personality trait.. I never forget something someone has said or done to me that has pissed me off. In the end what's done is done, laugh it off. Take a deep breath, write it down if you have to! You saw your child's performance, so did the other guy. Don't let small minded people make you bitter! Move on and think fuck it!

ImAIdoot · 06/08/2018 17:49

In my experience men are not this polite when they are annoyed at other men, partially because (as in DH's case) you can have hundreds of people present and watching, and not a soul jump to their defence.

Because they get into fights witheach other. Rather than pick on lone females. Men fight other men. Women are not the problem here.

Men who get attacked are not "the problem" because of their sex. I mean for fuck's sake.

ImAIdoot · 06/08/2018 17:51

The twit is 6 inches taller than you. How the heck were you blocking his view?
Very strange.

This would have been my response - how can he not see over her head, was he doing bloody handstands?

RainySeptember · 06/08/2018 17:57

I need a diagram. How can you stand to the side of someone who's 6 inches taller, and be accused of blocking the view? Even if you were fully in front of him he'd still be able to see. Was he sitting down?

GunpowderGelatine · 06/08/2018 18:01

Here you go Rainy Grin I suspect his annoyance came from me moving my head about occasionally. DD is a titch and I could barely see her, because I was late I really wanted her to see me too, I hate it when she thinks I haven't turned up! It was probably irritating but I'm pretty sure I didn't block his view

To think he wouldn't have said this to a man?
OP posts:
GunpowderGelatine · 06/08/2018 18:11

The theatre group have just put the pics on Facebook. Not only do the pics confirm that he is taller than me enough to see over, there's a massive gap on his other side he could have stepped into if he was so blocked

Yes I'm aware I'm a saddo Grin

OP posts:
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