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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get married without telling anyone until after the event?

52 replies

spikeyiscool · 06/08/2018 13:34

Background is DP and I have ben together 30 years. We are both in our 50s.

DP has always been anti marriage (for us, not other people). I have wanted to get married but never made a big thing of it but made it clear that I felt DP was wrong for his reasons.

About 5 weeks ago I was very ill, a routine operation that went badly wrong. This seems to have switched something in DP's head, he thought I was dying (I've fully recovered now) and at the weekend he proposed to me and I have accepted.

I would like us to just get married, have our adult DD and one of her friends as a witness, go for a nice meal with them and then let family and friends know. No party or anything like that.

If you were friends or family would you be annoyed or upset or just think "about time too"?

OP posts:
stormymcstormface · 06/08/2018 13:35

Your life, marriage, your decision

NotUmbongoUnchained · 06/08/2018 13:35

I eloped with my husband. My family were gutted but it was my wedding not theirs!
They’ve gotten over it now Grin

PoesyCherish · 06/08/2018 13:37

I would be really happy for you. It's your marriage and your decision and I think anyone who loves you should be really pleased for you.

NoCanoe · 06/08/2018 13:37

Congratulations on your forthcoming wedding! Flowers

Do it as you want! As a friend or family, Id think it great and just be happy for you both.

TurquoiseButterfly19 · 06/08/2018 13:37

We eloped. We didn’t want a wedding, just a marriage. Go for it! Whocares if you offend people. If they are offended they are very shallow people.

PrincessDaff · 06/08/2018 13:37

Don't even give it a second thought it is your wedding. I very close friend of mine recently did this. They went abroad and for financial reasons could not ask everyone so they just did it with a few family members. A few of her friends were a bit upset at first but everyone got over it in a week.

I think its better to tell people afterwards than tell them beforehand but say you are not invited sorry.

Congratulations and I am glad you are fully recovered now!

PilarTernera · 06/08/2018 13:37

YANBU it's your decision. I would think it was lovely.

Original poster
spikeyiscool · 06/08/2018 13:40

What lovely positive responses, thank you.

Looks like I have a (very small!) wedding to plan!

OP posts:
Bluelady · 06/08/2018 13:40

Congratulations. I hope you have a very happy day which is exactly the way you want it. You don't even have to tell anyone afterwards if you don't want to.

EvaHarknessRose · 06/08/2018 13:41

Sounds ideal. My dad did similar and told us later, even with us having a strained relationship at the time and one of my siblings out of three present we all still understand their reasons. It's not an issue for anyone and I wished them well after.

spanishwife · 06/08/2018 13:43

I think that sounds lovely!

NoCanoe · 06/08/2018 13:43

And just to add, we did it in secret too. Strangers as witnesses.
No upset - just surprise as I wasn't ' the marrying kind'. Hmm

MadamBatty · 06/08/2018 13:44

You do have to buy yourself a fancy frock though & come back & show us.

NoCanoe · 06/08/2018 13:46

Go get busy....! With a smile on your face! Wine

hannah1992 · 06/08/2018 13:48

I think it’s lovely. If I was your friend/family I would be happy for you (and in the group that said we’ll its about time! Haha!)

If it worries you that some maybe upset you could always celebrate on a separate occasion with just a party.

One of my friends got married abroad. She just had hers and the groom parents and her sister. She had a party with everyone else when she got back - everybody was just happy for her

I agree with pp anyone who isn’t just because they weren’t there is very shallow

Hidillyho · 06/08/2018 13:50

I wouldn’t be annoyed if I was your friend/family but I would probably be sad that I couldn’t celebrate with you if I was close to you though.
Would you consider a party for friends/family? That way you keep the actual day how you want it but everyone gets to celebrate with you

Thebluedog · 06/08/2018 13:50

I’m sure anyone who knows you well and is a true friend will be chuffed to bits for you.... it’s your day and your marrige and if they get upset or express anything other than happiness for you, then they are not worth worrying about!

Congratulations Flowers and enjoy your day Wine

Thebluedog · 06/08/2018 13:52

Btw we got married in secret, strangers as whitnesses, no one knows to this day Grin

TimeTicksBySoQuickly · 06/08/2018 13:53

We also did this! Went on a 2 week holiday abroad and got married while we were there. We only told our dc’s the night before it happened. Go for it!!

PlumpAndPlain · 06/08/2018 13:54

I could have written your post myself and we did the secret wedding 2 weeks ago. We weren't planning on telling anyone but it came out by accident (wedding certificate was in the background of an unrelated photo sent to sister!) We ended up telling our parents and siblings. All but one of the family said nothing but congratulations.

Fluffyears · 06/08/2018 13:55

We did it and i’m So glad we did as we got what we wanted and had no stress. Yes my mum was slightly disappointed but got over it based on how happy we were.

letsdolunch321 · 06/08/2018 13:57

Go for it, a quiet one is what I am hoping to do 💐

PortSouth · 06/08/2018 13:59

Just do it and tell everyone afterwards, I wish we'd done that as we had so many etiquette related dramas. We just wanted to get married and didn't want the palava associated with it. Don't delay the wedding, you don't know what's around the corner.

If you want to celebrate with family and friends afterwards, have a small bbq and announce that you've got married after people have had a bit to drink! They'll all be happy for you and secretly thanking you for not having to buy a hat!

DonttouchthatLarry · 06/08/2018 14:01

We did this 4 years ago when DH was 50 and I was 48 - we'd been together 14 years. We took 2 friends as witnesses and went away for a long weekend - let everyone know once we got home. It was stress free and perfect - can highly recommend it.

Bellyscreen · 06/08/2018 14:07

We didn’t have a ‘wedding’ but told people we were going to do it... with hindsight I sort of wish we’d just gone off and done it because a couple of people were upset about it. What you’re planning sounds lovely and I hope you have a lovely day!

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