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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get married without telling anyone until after the event?

52 replies

spikeyiscool · 06/08/2018 13:34

Background is DP and I have ben together 30 years. We are both in our 50s.

DP has always been anti marriage (for us, not other people). I have wanted to get married but never made a big thing of it but made it clear that I felt DP was wrong for his reasons.

About 5 weeks ago I was very ill, a routine operation that went badly wrong. This seems to have switched something in DP's head, he thought I was dying (I've fully recovered now) and at the weekend he proposed to me and I have accepted.

I would like us to just get married, have our adult DD and one of her friends as a witness, go for a nice meal with them and then let family and friends know. No party or anything like that.

If you were friends or family would you be annoyed or upset or just think "about time too"?

OP posts:
NaiceHamble · 06/08/2018 14:11

Friends and family will be happy that you're happy - and that's all that matters.

I'd second the suggestion of having a party at some point, though, just because those who love you might want to celebrate and spoil you a bit!

AgathaF · 06/08/2018 14:21

Congratulations. Perfect plan! I hope you have a beautiful day to remember.

LoveInTokyo · 06/08/2018 14:27

Do whatever you like OP.

You don't even have to tell people afterwards if you don't want to.

MrsBlaidd · 06/08/2018 14:38

We had a small secret wedding. A bit larger than you're planning because our parents, siblings, nieces and nephews were there along with our daughters.

But we told no one else. Similar circumstances to you, over 15 years together and too close a brush with mortality for one of us made us prioritise getting married so we did within 6 weeks.

By and large people (friends and family) were really happy for us, if a little shocked because we'd managed to keep it under wraps.

However it did cost me two friendships. They couldn't reconcile that the privacy was something we'd agreed as a couple against the fact that we were meant to be close friends. It hurt at the time but now I look back and see the friendship couldn't have been that important to them if my feelings about how I wanted to conduct my wedding day were less important than theirs about not being invited.

The most amazing thing was our parents had booked us into a luxury hotel not far away for our wedding night and conspired to have the children for us. Our wedding evening was spent eating amazing food just the two of us in a gorgeous restaurant watching the sun set over incredible landscapes. It was perfect.

Hope you have an amazing day too.

thedevilinablackdress · 06/08/2018 15:02

Another voice saying crack on. Some of us want the be married but not 'have a wedding'.
Agree tell people afterwards - seek forgiveness not permission sort of thing. Not that there's anything to forgive!

LittleMustelid · 06/08/2018 15:12

We did this - just went off and got married in Cornwall. Only our parents knew beforehand and were happy for us. The couple running the venue (small hotel) were our witnesses. I’m so glad we did it this way - there was zero faff or drama.

DoloresTheNewt · 06/08/2018 15:18

Loads of my friends have snuck off and married without telling anyone. I have never been anything but delighted for them.

Echobelly · 06/08/2018 15:19

I don't imagine anyone whose opinion you'd care about would hold it against you!

TerracottaDream · 06/08/2018 15:25

Why would you need to tell anyone apart from your witnesses and your own children? Just don’t tell anyone.

borlottibeans · 06/08/2018 15:27

My parents did this! And sometimes in the most ridiculous bits of wedding planning I wished I'd done the same. Perhaps I'm being influenced by my mum and dad who are still very happily married over 30 years later but I actually think it's quite romantic, just a little ceremony for the two of you. Though if I was your friend I'd like to have the opportunity to buy you a bottle of something fizzy later on (but also I wouldn't be offended if you'd prefer not).

Congratulations!

Tomorrowisanewday · 06/08/2018 15:31

The people who matter won't care, the ones who care don't matter.

Ethylred · 06/08/2018 15:50

It's eloping.
Well, sort of, and it's dead romantic. Definitely do it.

JamPasty · 06/08/2018 16:14

Sounds lovely - congratulations!

sulflower · 06/08/2018 16:17

I would be delighted for you both. We did it and our friend's did it a couple of years later. Congratulations, glad you are on the mend.

RandomMess · 06/08/2018 17:02

I'd be sad if my DC did this but I'd still be very happy for them! I love watching people make that commitment.

Congratulations!!!

Fluffyears · 06/08/2018 17:17

Best thing I ever did.

PoesyCherish · 06/08/2018 17:32

I look back and see the friendship couldn't have been that important to them if my feelings about how I wanted to conduct my wedding day were less important than theirs about not being invited.

MrsBlaidd sorry to hear it cost you two friendships. You are so right what you've said here ^^ though. Your feelings and OP's feelings about your own wedding day should be more important than the feelings of somebody not invited. I mean that in the nicest possible way and it's okay for friends to be sad but ultimately it should be about the couple's feelings.

keyboardkate · 06/08/2018 17:34

Congratulations and best wishes.

If it were me, I would just get wed and say nothing, just carry on as before! It's the legal bit that's important really at the end of the day.

But if you prefer to announce it, do it afterwards for sure.

Whatever you decide hope you have a really nice day out!

MargaretDribble · 06/08/2018 17:39

Friends of ours did this. Work in the morning, Registry Office in the afternoon on a Friday, invited friends round on Monday afternoon and told us then. I only know of one person(friend of bride but not her closest friend) who was upset. Everyone else was delighted. They have just celebrated their silver wedding, so the marriage has lasted pretty well.😀

Maverick66 · 06/08/2018 18:54

Sounds perfect Thanks

QueenofStella · 06/08/2018 20:40

It sounds wonderfully romantic - go for it!

Congrats and glad to hear you’re back in good health Flowers

NewYearNewMe18 · 06/08/2018 20:48

Several of our friends, of a similar age and older then you, have done the same thing. Primarily at a solicitors behest when one of them has had a terminal illness etc - it just makes things so much cleaner with regard to inheritance and pensions.

ForalltheSaints · 06/08/2018 21:02

I'd be in the 'about time too' camp, and totally understand. Glad you plan to have your DD there, who is the most important person other than yourselves. Your day, and I am glad you are back to health.

butterfly56 · 06/08/2018 21:08

Yes definitely do it the way you want OP.
You will save both you and your soon to be DH a lot of stress.
And don't tell anyone until afterwards or you will be guilt tripped into having a bigger wedding!

I have a couple of friends and family members who have done this for various reasons and they have no regrets and all still married!! Flowers

Applepudding2018 · 06/08/2018 21:30

Sounds lovely. It's not as if you are in your 20's and it's the big thing the older generation of your family are looking forward to. I imagine people won't be expecting it so wouldn't be expecting an invite anyway.

Enjoy your day Smile