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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not reciprocate a favour?

46 replies

biterella · 06/08/2018 13:13

Have two young kids and in laws (MIL, stepFIL and SILS) often ask to have the baby, sometimes both kids - don't mind, gives me a break, but I never ask them, they always offer and I am so grateful when they do, even though there's always more than one adult at home I feel bad for asking them for help so I don't often approach them for childcare myself. MIL remarried and has two School age kids herself and sometimes when her adult kids from previous marriage can't look after them or when the adult kids want to go out themselves they'll ask me. DP is at work so that means I'm at home with all the kids.

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable because recently I just don't want to take them in the school holidays? It's so hot, I'm struggling myself with the heat and the two kids and trying to get everything done in the house, I'm on my own apart from evenings and weekends. But I just feel like because they offer to take my kids all the time without me mentioning or asking or giving any hint of "can you take them" I feel obliged to reciprocate but I just don't want to and I feel like such an arsehole for saying no and I'm afraid they'll mention that they take our kids all the time so I should give something back.

(As a comparison I can always ask my parents for help with the kids and there is no feeling of obligation nor would they make me feel obliged to do something in return just because they helped out with childcare.)

So is it really shit of me for feeling this way?!

OP posts:
BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 06/08/2018 13:19

Yes, that's awful. You're happy to take advantage of them but really begrudge helping them in return.

It sounds like you have an awful lot of help with your own children so why on earth would you not want reciprocate? If you want to be that selfish, then stop taking the free childcare from them.

RoseMartha · 06/08/2018 13:24

Its unreasonable to not help when they help you out. I have been on the other end where i have helped out and when i have needed help my family are reluctant to return the favour. It is hurtful when i have put myself out and it has been inconvenient for me but i have had their kids as well as mine because they needed help which i gave.

bionicnemonic · 06/08/2018 13:28

Can you not have them and leave them to play? (Water fight outside?) them towel them off and watch a film...everyone is exhausted by the heat, you wouldn’t have to do much and everyone is happy

BasinHaircut · 06/08/2018 13:29

I get what you are saying OP, but I think you have to do some level of reciprocation here.

UpstartCrow · 06/08/2018 13:30

You aren't superwoman. If you are struggling then no its not awful. Explain to them the reason why you have to sometimes say 'no' and explain it makes you feel embarrassed.

LeighaJ · 06/08/2018 13:31

Is it because your two are really difficult for you to handle on your own?

And/Or are the other ones you're asked to look after very difficult?

Also it sounds like unless I misunderstood when they look after yours it's often just the one and there are multiple relatives looking after the baby?

While you'd be looking after 4 on your own with yours includes?

Sparklesocks · 06/08/2018 13:31

Even though you don’t explicitly ask for their help, you still benefit from their help and support. It’s unfair to begrudge them the same on the technicality that you didn’t ask them. We do things for our friends and family because we love them. It would be nice if you could help them out once in a while to repay them for their kindness. Not because you ‘have’ to, but because you should want to help them like they helped you.

HolyMountain · 06/08/2018 13:31

What happened to give and take?

It wouldn't hurt to help out occasionally, I think you're being selfish.

Handsfull13 · 06/08/2018 13:32

I don't think it's shit to feel that way. I'd feel the same. It would make you wonder if they offer because they know they want you to look after their kids for them. So they are intentionally gathering the favours so you can't say no.

It always depends of what they're asking. Emergency something came up this morning can you help kind of thing means if you can help you should. But if it's something they ask in advance and could easily find someone else if they really needed to then your fine to say sorry but it won't work for me this time.

I would reduce the amount of times you take them up on having your children so you don't feel as obligated to do it.

Aeroflotgirl · 06/08/2018 13:34

Yabvvu, you cannot take take, and not give.if you can't look after the kids and thats, fine,dont accept childcare from them or you will be a cf!

user1493413286 · 06/08/2018 13:35

I think that if they’re taking your kids then it’s fair for them to expect you to have theirs every so often. If you dont want to then probably best not to take up their offers

greendale17 · 06/08/2018 13:36

Your excuse that it is so hot really is a load of crap.

In answer to your question- yes you are being an arsehole. A selfish one at that.

funinthesun18 · 06/08/2018 13:37

Yanbu. It’s their choice to ask if they can have your kids. They don’t have to. It shouldn’t come with obligations attached.

My kids were once with my MIL and they ended up in the care of dp’s brother and sil! We didn’t ask for them to look after them. Yet they expected us to reciprocate the “favour”. Not a chance was I having their kids when my own are enough and I didn’t ask them to have mine.

Returnofthesmileybar · 06/08/2018 13:37

Well unless your mother has young kids too then you aren't really comparing like for like at all.

I think yabu too. You need to start refusing their offers if you aren't willing to return the favour. That's not to say you have to say yes every time they ask but it would be pretty shitty to not try keep it somewhat equal

Nicknacky · 06/08/2018 13:39

So when the weather gets cooler will you be more willing to help out?

Sometimes I prefer having extra kids as it keeps the eldest occupied and I’m assuming they are not very young so not as much hassle.

MrsJayy · 06/08/2018 13:42

You are taking advantage of kindness of course you don't need to take siblings in law but you need to be straight with MIL about it. Helping out for a few hours really wouldn't hurt though would it ?

Seniorschoolmum · 06/08/2018 13:43

YABU. Families involve give & take.

I’m not sure that 2 or 4 makes much difference. Set up a paddling pool or set them a drawing challenge, or put a dvd on, and keep an eye on them from a distance while you do the hoovering.

IamReginaFalange · 06/08/2018 13:44

I'm on my own apart from evenings and weekends
Most mums are!

inlectorecumbit · 06/08/2018 13:48

I think it would depend on how often you are asked to take them over the holidays. Once a week is fine otherwise l would be saying no--you have plans.

GeorgeIII · 06/08/2018 13:50

No I wouldn't have them. It's easier to discipline your own DCs, it's not easy to discipline someone else's and they can be a total pain imv.
Obviously if they are two quiet little treasures yabu if they are, however, older and more boisterous than your own you are quite within your rights to not look after them. It sounds like it is DM SIL other adult DCs et al looking after yours (and one's a baby so not exactly rampaging around theplace) whereas you have a baby, toddler and 2 others you could do without.
You will have to refuse when they want to have yours and explain why, which hopefully you can do tactfully.

MrsJayy · 06/08/2018 13:50

I am assuming Mil has her own kids when she has yours does she not deserve a break I am sure she is hot too

Original poster
biterella · 06/08/2018 13:55

Ouch I forgot how brutal AIBU is 

To answer a few questions: I don't say no when they ask for me to take them, like I said it's just lately I've been feeling like I can't cope and don't want to, yes it's the heat. The nights are too hot and both me and our kids don't sleep well we often wake up several times in the night so we are all tired and ratty during the day or heat exhaustion gets to me.

@LeighaJ yes that's exactly it, there's more than one adult looking after mine always, just there's only me looking after theirs and mine.

And if I refuse offers then it's sort of like why am I refusing help do I not trust them or do I not want them to look after the kids etc so I have made up a few silly excuses before but don't think they bought it! So I don't know if it is "gathering favours" like someone said?

Just a very awkward situation

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 06/08/2018 13:56

Just say "thanks but no need" or that you have plans or whatever.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 06/08/2018 13:57

You don't have to ask them for childcare because they offer. You're still getting the advantage of your dc not being there.

gamerchick · 06/08/2018 14:04

Since when is asking for a relative's baby for a bit seen as free childcare? Hmm is this what families are like now? Some people like to have a squishy baby to care for for a bit, that's why they ask.

If you really feel like you can't say no to them OP and feel obligated then you need to start saying no to them when they want your youngest child.

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