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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not reciprocate a favour?

46 replies

biterella · 06/08/2018 13:13

Have two young kids and in laws (MIL, stepFIL and SILS) often ask to have the baby, sometimes both kids - don't mind, gives me a break, but I never ask them, they always offer and I am so grateful when they do, even though there's always more than one adult at home I feel bad for asking them for help so I don't often approach them for childcare myself. MIL remarried and has two School age kids herself and sometimes when her adult kids from previous marriage can't look after them or when the adult kids want to go out themselves they'll ask me. DP is at work so that means I'm at home with all the kids.

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable because recently I just don't want to take them in the school holidays? It's so hot, I'm struggling myself with the heat and the two kids and trying to get everything done in the house, I'm on my own apart from evenings and weekends. But I just feel like because they offer to take my kids all the time without me mentioning or asking or giving any hint of "can you take them" I feel obliged to reciprocate but I just don't want to and I feel like such an arsehole for saying no and I'm afraid they'll mention that they take our kids all the time so I should give something back.

(As a comparison I can always ask my parents for help with the kids and there is no feeling of obligation nor would they make me feel obliged to do something in return just because they helped out with childcare.)

So is it really shit of me for feeling this way?!

OP posts:

havingabadhairday · 06/08/2018 14:06

greendale "Your excuse that it is so hot really is a load of crap."

That's a bit unfair. My DH and DSis both suffer terribly in the heat and are really struggling at the moment, while I'm fine and barely notice it.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 06/08/2018 14:08

How long is she actually asking? Every day? Once a week for a norning? Once in a while when she's stuck? Because that makes a difference to me.

Gooseygoosey12345 · 06/08/2018 14:13

If it's once in a while could you not plan the day in a way that you can cope, activities etc. If the other DC are school aged they're normally fairly easy to entertain. It's nice to help out if you can, plus it's one day. I always think it's only for a while, I can give them back, makes it much easier to cope with. But if you really can't cope I'd just be honest and say that to them.

RideOn · 06/08/2018 14:18

How long are you looking after them? Are you providing meals? Do you drive to pick them up or drop them off?

If they are school age they probably don't take a lot of intense looking after, surely? Not like a baby or toddler.

Can you ask them to send them with some books or toys they can look at if you don't want to have provide some entertainment?

Disquieted1 · 06/08/2018 14:21

I think that people are being harsh on you OP.

People shouldn't offer to help you on the assumption that you will pay them back. That's not a favour at all - that's storing up chits.
And also, you have a right to say no when people ask for a favour. Whether they offer to do you a favour in the future is up to them, but you do have a right to say no and shouldn't feel guilty about it.

Thebluedog · 06/08/2018 14:23

Yanbu to feel awful and in your position I’d feel the same. But yabu to say no. Have a regimented set of activities to keep them amused. I find my dc are a pain in the arse if not kept entertained in this weather.
You could try taking them to the beach, they’ll amuse themselves all day, slap in the sun cream and a packed lunch. Hire yourself a deck chair and enjoy yourself

Rudgie47 · 06/08/2018 14:38

How much childminding are we talking here please?. If its just a bit here and there then you have to give and take really. If they are coming for the whole 6 week holiday during the day then thats too much obviously.
Can your partner/husband take some holiday now to help look after them? If you really cant manage then I'd ask your partner for help first.
If they are not taking the piss and you dont do it then they most likely wont have yours again. So you have to weigh up the pros and cons really.

MrsJayy · 06/08/2018 15:02

The op doesn't have to do anything but she needs to be honest with the family and say she wouldn't manage the children with her own which is fair enough but she isn't cracking a light just letting her own kids go happily to the inlaws so she can have time to herself.

Apehouse · 06/08/2018 17:03

Nah, that doesn’t look good. You should step up and take them.

HellenaHandbasket · 06/08/2018 17:06

If you are not prepared to reciprocate you need to decline.

RandomMess · 06/08/2018 17:10

I think you need to respond with "I can't cope with 4 DC on my own" that is the truth, if they don't offer to have your DC again that's there choice!

Happygoldfinch · 06/08/2018 17:12

Awkward...so, so awkward...
I understand OP's feelings. I would feel the same way. We all love having a baby to look after - it's a very different thing to then have 4 young children to look after with all the tidying up, grass everywhere, sticky messes, "can we have..."s, squabbling, crying, "It's not fair"s, lunch to organise...
That's not equal reciprocity in terms of the workload on OP.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 06/08/2018 17:12

I think yanb entirely u. I would scale back on accepting childcare and providing. It's okay to say to ILs that you want to spend some time just with your own dc, so don't need them to mind your children or that you want a quiet day, so won't be taking on extra kids.

PorkFlute · 06/08/2018 17:27

I think Yabu. You say you don’t ask them for childcare then later you say you don’t often ask them - so you do sometimes?
Yanbu to not want to look after their kids but you need to stop asking them or accepting their offers of childcare.

KC225 · 06/08/2018 17:56

Do they expect you to cover all the school holidays? I think you need to put it on more of a formal footing. You know them better than us, if there is an expectation that you will have the children after they have had yours then you need to scale back the on accepting the offers.

Say something like, it's really kind of you ask for the baby and I really appreciate the break but looking after four children on my own is just too much at the moment.

IceCreamFace · 06/08/2018 18:00

When they take your kids is it during school time or is it during times they have to look after all 4 kids at once. I think it's fair to say you don't think you can cope with all 4 at the same time - I don't think I would want to and it also limits what you can do as you can't all fit in the car etc.

That said if MiL is really stuck I'd definitely at least try to help her.

IceCreamFace · 06/08/2018 18:01

I also would definitely say no to entire school holidays - that would exaust me and you'd be housebound for weeks on end!

Loopytiles · 06/08/2018 18:03

YABU, you should reciprocate sometimes - through childcare or in other ways - or decline the offers.

Pebblesandfriends · 06/08/2018 18:08

Sounds like two separate issues. If you don't want them to have your kids then tell them you have plans/have made arrangements/no thanks. If you are struggling to manage several kids out of the house in the heat just don't do so much. Stay in and manage expectations, yes you can have them but it will just be looking after in the house, it's too much for you having them all out on days out.

LeighaJ · 06/08/2018 19:09

I'm from Texas it is hot there the majority of the year, everyone handles the heat differently, even some of us natives don't handle it that well.

@biterella

"yes that's exactly it, there's more than one adult looking after mine always, just there's only me looking after theirs and mine."

Okay then I can definitely understand why you are reluctant. Depending on the time of day and year then sometimes your baby might be the only child at home that they are watching as well.

As far as favours go they're asking a Lot more of you.

I'm not sure of your baby's age and temperament but a lot of small ones mostly eat, sleep, and stay put, not the same as running after or trying to entertain school age kids.

"And if I refuse offers then it's sort of like why am I refusing help do I not trust them or do I not want them to look after the kids etc so I have made up a few silly excuses before but don't think they bought it! So I don't know if it is "gathering favours" like someone said?"

With that additional information I would agree to an extent that they could be trying to gather up favours.

MsHopey · 06/08/2018 19:57

I have a 12mo. I have specifically never had anyone babysit him because I know it would be expected in return.
I don't want to look after any one else's kids, I don't like other peoples kids.
So I literally say no when people offer and I never ask them. It a easier this way if you genuinely know you won't babysit for others.

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