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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel this way about his new girlfriend

34 replies

jhyugtf · 06/08/2018 09:32

So while I’m here alone, 8 weeks away from giving brith, suffering with gestational diabetes along with other things that make this a complicated pregnancy, 6 days away from turning 19, I have found out the man (man child?) who’s baby I’m carrying, has moved on to another partner.

What’s the problem here? When I found out I was pregnant he left me because “he never wanted a future with me anyway”, - however , he would messaged me and ask to see me, tell me that he missed me, that he loved me, that me and our baby were the most important thing to him, that he thinks about us all the time, he would act like we were together but he never committed to me beyond sex, all whilst telling me he loved me and wanted to be with me but would not call himself my boyfriend. he was / is also on tinder.

He was using me for sex. It came to a blow about 5 weeks ago when I truly realised what was happening, that I was being used. After telling him I was not doing it anymore unless he committed to me completely, he told me not to contact him unless it was about our child, in which I adhered to, and since he refused to take time off to come to any scans, I gave him updates semi regularly but that is all.

Anyway, about a week ago, I took my profile picture down from WhatsApp, I then quickly received a message from him asking me why I had removed it, I explained that It did not matter why I removed it and told him he was obviously not blocked or anything in case that was his thinking? His reply was “I like to see you :(“ “is it bad that I like to see you” “you looked nice in your picture” , I ignored these messages and he deleted them quickly, hoping I had not seen them. I had. Various other comments such as when I told him our daughter was beautiful after having a 4D scan, he said “She gets her good looks from you then”. I ignored this comment too. I am a lot happier when we do not talk about anything other than her, and she is and always will be my priority, however I do still love him and of course have feelings for him, but that does not mean I would ever touch him with a barge pole again, no thank you.

Anyway, feeling depressed and overwhelmed with everything, I did some Facebook stalking and other digging and found out he is seeing a girl he knows from school, so it’s not like they’ve just met they’ve known each other and been friends for a very very long time. My reaction surprised me, initially hurt, then just.. I don’t know, calm? Then anger when I realised the messages he had been sending me all while being with her? Am I over reacting here? As far as I’m aware he hasn’t told anyone that he’s having a baby except for 1 close friend and his mother and sister, I pressed him constantly to tell people but he would not. So I’m assuming she’s got no idea he’s having a baby in 8 weeks, and that he was happily having sex with me until 5 weeks ago 🤕.

What do I do here? He’s told me he will be at the birth, I have messaged him asking if we can Skype so I can go over something’s with him regarding it , considering I have to be induced and labour might not progress very quickly , so he may be waiting for a while etc etc, he’s ignored this message but when he does get round to replying do I tell him that I know he’s seeing someone else? (Someone, by the way, that he told me he asked out when he was 15 but she rejected him and I always suspected he still had a thing for)

Do I tell the girl he’s seeing? I’m at a loss, considering he lives 70 miles away from me, when I have her and I come to him and vice versa so he can see her, it means he will have to stay overnight so I really would like to keep things as civil as possible but yeah... I’m lost right now. Do I have a right to be upset? Am I being unreasonable? Is my head just spinning?

OP posts:

LEMtheoriginal · 06/08/2018 09:40

What you do is forget about him and concentrate on your baby. No good will come of forcing his involvement.

Original poster

jhyugtf · 06/08/2018 09:41

He told me he wanted to be involved. I'm not forcing him involvement how can I tell him he cant see his child if its what HE wants

OP posts:

Stompythedinosaur · 06/08/2018 09:44

Don't have him at the birth. Your birth partner is there to support you, not to witness the birth, and you can't trust him. Have a family member or friend instead. Tell him afterwards.

I would stay away from the other partner and focus on your only connection being about your baby and contact.

Singlenotsingle · 06/08/2018 09:45

You're so young to be going through all this. I agree with the pp. He's never going to step up as a father and you're best off without him.

NewGirl1990 · 06/08/2018 09:45

You have every right to be upset and you are not being unreasonable at all. The way you've handled the situation this far has been amazing and your little girl is going to be proud of her mum for everything you've dealt with even before she was born. The fact you're wanting and willing to put your feelings aside so that your daughter can have a relationship with her father shows that you have your priorities completely right and should be proud of yourself. I don't think you should tell the other girl that he was sleeping with you, it's not going to change the situation and will potentially result in a negative backlash for you, you don't need that especially given the fact you're so close to giving birth. Do you have any good friends around you that can come round and just have a chat and some girly time to take your mind off things. You're doing brilliantly though and don't let this boy bringing you down!!

Queenofthestress · 06/08/2018 09:47

I went through this at your age, almost exactly, I had ds 2 weeks before my 19th. Grey rock him. Completely and utterly ignore him, stop giving updates, stop messaging him completely unless he messages you asking about the baby.

He's being a mindfuck, trying to keep you hanging on whilst he's shagging this other lass. Just because you are having his baby doesn't mean you need to chase him.

If he wants updates, he messages you, if he wants to be at the birth (which I 100% would not do and didn't in my situation!) Then he messages you. Not the other way round.

Personally that's what I did, DS is 5 in October, his biological father has never set eyes on him because was I fuck chasing some bloke getting his dick wet in another lass whilst I was carrying his baby and he was trying to get into my pants.

Bluntness100 · 06/08/2018 09:52

Is he the same age as you? 18?

The issue here is probably immaturity. You're both very young. No don't get involved with his relationship. Carry on and focus on you. If he's involved he's involved, if not fine.

Do you have someone else to be your birth partner? Sister, mother, aunt, grandmother?

NewYearNewMe18 · 06/08/2018 09:56

it means he will have to stay overnight

It means he can get a hotel

Shitonthebloodything · 06/08/2018 09:58

Do nothing, tell him about the baby only when he asks, don't have him at the birth (but obviously let him know as soon as possible) and don't put his name on the birth certificate. He can have his name added later down the line if he forces the issue but you'll make your future a lot easier by keeping it off for the time being and giving the baby your name.

Original poster

jhyugtf · 06/08/2018 09:58

hes 21 and thank you for your kind words

OP posts:

Miranda15110 · 06/08/2018 10:09

Stop communicating with him and focus on you and your unborn child. If he wants to be involved let him make the effort. He sounds flaky and like he will be a constant disappointment to your child anyway. I'd also find a better birth partner, seeing his child being born won't suddenly make him into wonder dad/boyfriend. Having a child is a privilege that comes with great responsibility. Time to forget this loser!

LanaorAna2 · 06/08/2018 10:10

The guy's a loser. You aren't a loser and neither is your baby. He's messing you around deliberately because he enjoys it. Don't put his name on the birth certificate whatever you do - it would be terribly cruel to your baby.

OctaviaOctober · 06/08/2018 10:21

Don't be his PA. If he wants to find out about the pregnancy, he can ask.

Think carefully about whether you want him at the birth. He doesn't have a right to be there. If you think he will make you feel uncomfortable/distressed, don't tell him. If it comes up after, just tell him things moved too fast.

And do not give the baby his last name. And do not put him on the birth certificate. Do not give him any rights over your little family that he doesn't deserve.

HelpmeobiMN · 06/08/2018 10:21

YANBU to be upset and hurt. He sounds like a real arsehole to be honest.

I would steer well clear of any involvement in his relationship with the new girl - it's stress you don't need in your life. Just keep to communicating with him about the baby and leave it at that. Focus on your own needs, and be wary of relying on him for anything much - it doesn't sound like he is going to come through for you

Allthewaves · 06/08/2018 10:25

Step back. Send him very brief emails or text about the baby when necessary. Don't engage him, don't ask anything of him just give him time and dates. Don't Skype. I wouldn't have him at the birth.

ciderhouserules · 06/08/2018 10:26

He’s told me he will be at the birth, - oh has he? And what do you want? This is your hospital appointment, and your procedure. He has no right to be there, unless YOU want him.

Quite honestly, he is a loser. You don't have the right to tell him who he can go out with, or fuck, or not. You don't have the right (moral or otherwise) to tell his new 'partner/squeeze' about you or his baby.

He may be the father, and this means he has responsibilities, and rights, but they don't trump yours. IF he wants to be involved, then enable it, but it's not your job to facilitate it. He will need to financially support his child, but not you.

Do you have any family to help support you?

eightfacesofthemoon · 06/08/2018 10:30

I think it’s a very bad idea to have him at the birth. Why would you want someone that neither loves or respects you when you’re at your most vulnerable and you need the most support you can get

PoesyCherish · 06/08/2018 10:35

It's a really bad idea to have him at the birth. It's not a spectator sport and as others have said your birthing partner is there to support you which going off his past history, it sounds like he'd cause more stress by being there.

Is there anybody else you can have with you for the birth?

Cut all contact, you and your baby deserve more than this. If he asks about the baby specifically then let him know but otherwise I'd just stop talking to him. It's not easy but you can do this. Your time and energy is better spent on you and your baby not a waster like him

Bazz90 · 06/08/2018 10:47

If i were you i wouldnt have him at the birth. He clearly doesnt want people to know hes having a child. And if this is the way hes acting i would brace myself for him not being very involved once she is born .. men can really surprise you when it comes to being fathers.. dont tell the girlfriend because she will ask him about it, he will lie and make u out to be crazy .. just grab popcorn and watch their relationship fall to pieces.. he seems very self centered so i doubt a relationship will last with anyone x

serbska · 06/08/2018 10:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MumW · 06/08/2018 11:00

Sorry that you baby's father has turn out to be such a loser.

I can't imagine what you are feeling emotionally, being pregnant is hard enough with the support of a loving partner.

However, as a much older women, my advice would echo that of most pp's.

Stop chasing him and let him do the running.

Set yourself up as a single mum then anything baby's Dad contributes is a bonus. Plan the birth without him. Labour is a time when everything should be focused on mum and baby. He doesn't need to be there out of any kind of entitlement and being or not being there doesnt have any bearing on his future relationship with his daughter.

Make it clear from the start that you aren't going to stop him being involved in your daughter's life but that you won't stand being messed around. Contact needs to be regular and consistent. If he commits to a visit then you expect him to honour that date/time and he can't just drop out at the last minute to go down the pub or to have sex with some random his girlfriend.

If/when he works, insist on proper financial support.

Good luck with the birth.

You sound very strong, mature and sensible. It's not going to be easy but accept he is not going to be there for you and concentrate on what you and your baby need. Find your own support network and I have a strong feeling you'll manage just fine.

violets17 · 06/08/2018 11:35

You are going to be OK, you are sensible and mature with your priorities right.

You and your baby are the family unit though and this boy is breadcrumbing you for his own selfish amusement. He doesn't want anyone to know about his baby so how is he going to play an active part.

Also I think WhatsApp is too interactive, he can text you. I would also be slow to respond to texts and ignore completely anything that is not specifically about the baby. For example "you're so pretty" gets nothing but "how much does DD weigh" gets "6lbs 5oz" the following day when you have time.

You're on your own with this and you are better off without him. Stay strong you'll be great.

Mousefunky · 06/08/2018 11:43

I would personally block all contact until the baby is born. I don’t think he needs to know anything about your pregnancy, he only needs to know about the baby once it is here. He doesn’t need to be at the birth either and I wouldn’t allow him to be there personally, you will be very vulnerable and I don’t think he’s the sort of person you need around you. Don’t put him on the birth certificate and give the baby your surname.

Other than that, keep your head held high, you’re doing great and being strong. Definitely don’t engage with his new girlfriend.

Lifeisabeach09 · 06/08/2018 11:44

Do not have him at the birth, do not give your DD his last name and do not put him on the birth certificate.
Trust me-I've been a single parent since my DD was five days old. Best thing I did.
If he wants to know anything, let him contact you.
Stop letting him play you.

Gardenpicnic · 06/08/2018 12:23

Do not give your DD his last name and do not put him on the birth certificate.

^^ This, absolutely.

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