Irritated by thoughtless newborn visitors

[Fillmylittleworld]

Aaaaaaahh! Need to know if I’m being unreasonable or just a grumpy mum to a newborn and toddler (and maybe just have a moan if that’s ok!) I’ve nc for this thread.

Had my 2nd on Sat morning... c section.... visiting hours in the ward were 3-4 and 6-8 which were communicated to family (my parents who were looking after toddler and DHs parents).
Agreement beforehand was that DH would update family on timings after surgery, but that it was unlikely we would be ready for visitors at the 3-4 visit so ppl should aim for the 6-8 session.

Anyway, c section was complicated by a few things, I lost more blood than expected and newborn arrived later than planned and (about 1.30pm) and was struggling to feed. DH let both sides of family know this and my parents said fine, maybe see you at 6-8 but only if you’re up for it. No response from DHs parents.
At 3pm when we were still in recovery room DHs parents arrived at hospital and tried to come in! Obv midwife didn’t let them. They then kept messaging DH asking when we would be on ward (which obv we didn’t know). Finally at 3.55 we were moved to ward and DHs parents were there, waiting. Midwives were trying to tell me about the ward while my newborn was passed round the in laws. They were then kicked out thankfully after 10 minutes as that visiting time had finished, but it really flustered and upset me.
My parents and toddler visited at 6 which went fine.

Day 2 - Sunday - we were sent home at midday ish as all was good with baby and me. my parents were at my house with toddler. Offered DHs parents a visit as they only saw newborn for 10 mins day before. They confirmed they’d come in afternoon.
They arrived at 7.30pm (toddlers bedtime) and stayed for 2 hours!!. Toddler then didn’t want to go to bed and had a melt down. My mum kept making hints about cooking dinner but DHs parents just kept quaffing prosecco. Me falling asleep holding newborn on sofa after an hour didn’t even cue them to leave!

Today I’m angry. Don’t know whether to say anything to them. They’ve never been like this before really. Aaaaaaagh.

"DH, go tell your parents to piss off. I have a toddler, a new born and I'm knackered from the major surgery I just had. Tell them to come when they're invited".

It shouldn't really need saying. Your dh should be sorting this!

If they are usually lovely I would put it down to thoughtless excitement, if your parents were still there as well then they maybe didn't realise that they weren't welcome to stay longer too?

That would piss me off. Why can’t people get that you have had a major op and need to be left alone for a while. You are really not ina fit state to see anyone for a while and are supposed to be bonding/ establishing breastfeeding.
I only let my mum and friend come in the evening after a routine/ first on the morning list section. And that was only really as dh had to go see to the kids and I was on my own. With my first born she didn’t come till the next day and I had no other visitors despite a two night stay. The inlaws waited till we were home and were perfectly happy with that.

Congratulations on the new baby!! I can understand how you feel, tired, sore and a bit sensitive due to hormones. You need to rest and recover, please work out some suitable times for visiting and get your husband to pass it on to his family. If they just turn up don't open the door, if you need to sleep and they are there just take the baby and go to bed. It doesn't matter if they want to see the baby. All the best xx

Why didn't you ask them to go?
It sounds like they were excited and wanting to celebrate the new baby, they may have thought you were happy for them to stay. Especially if you were so relaxed in their company you fell asleep while they were there .
I remember a large crowd of relatives turned up the day I brought my first DC home. After half an hour my DH announced it was time for them to leave and ushered them out. They were fine with that.

They were thoughtless, you are too restrained. Be polite and direct next time! Or just slope off.

I agree with Masonjar - just tell them when to leave. People are not mindreaders, and they were probably just chuffed to see the baby and thought as your parents were ok to be there, they could be too.

That is selfish and thoughtless if them OP. You must be shattered.

Please get DH to talk to them and explain that you're going to be taking it easy this week and will get in touch when they can visit again. They've seen the baby and had a cuddle, it's time to rest now.

It doesn't take a genius to work out that a woman who has just had a c section the day previously will be tired out by the evening of the next day. Plus they were late.

They'll end up completely fucking any relationship over with you if they don't knock it off - my in-laws did the same thing after DD2 was born (they happened, conveniently, to be "just passing through" the area the day after she was born - suspicious that since they live on a fucking Scottish island). I got discharged from hospital, pulled up in the car and the baby was grabbed from me by them and I was basically backed into the kitchen while they did the newborn hugs thing for hours.

The relationship has never recovered - was previously very good until the kids came along.

Congratulations firstly .

Too many people lose sight of the Mother in this situation. Birth is such a vulnerable position for a woman to be put in and when it’s a section, it’s major surgery which people seemingly forget. Most women feel drained and sometimes in pain/uncomfortable afterwards and the last thing they want is a barrage of visitors. I don’t think visitors should attend hospital in all honesty, they should wait until you’re discharged and get comfortable at home.

@pastabest they are usually lovely, well... not too bad and normally quite considerate! Maybe it is excitement as they were on holiday when DC1 was born and therefore couldn’t visit when tiny

This will be me in 4 weeks op. I'm really sorry you felt this way. I've already explained to my dh about family visiting etc. Ideally I'd like no one to visit on the day he is born expect for my dcs and my mum. Dhs mum isn't that interested so won't really expect a visit from her.

My aunty has messaged me to say she will be there on the day he will be born - no asking, no nothing. I've politely declined.

I get everyone is excited to see the new baby....BUT you are the one that's just had major surgery. Your rules imo.

I hope you are feeling a little bit better today, lots of love x

@MasonJar I think I was just knackered and couldn’t find the words. I should’ve just asked them politely to leave you’re right

My parents are staying at mine until tomorrow to help with toddler

I think you're being too soft with them, you need to (DH needs to) be firm about exactly when they can come and how long they can stay.

Offering them prosecco when you really just wanted them to leave was sending the wrong message.

Congratulations on your newborn

@jelly449 oh my goodness that was very presumptive of her! Good for you for saying no

OR you could have just headed upstairs with the baby "Please excuse us everyone. I'm off to bed now. Exhausted after all the excitement. Thank you for coming".

Yanbu and I say that as someone who loves newborn visitors, they are being totally me me me. You need to talk to your dh and get him to step up and cop on, they should have been told to come back on Saturday and at 7.30 Sunday told no sorry it's way too late, so for me he is as much to blame as they are.

Congratulations by the way

They didn't just turn up, OP invited them. They outstayed their welcome but since no-one asked them to leave they probably thought it was ok.

Don't ruin a good relationship for one afternoons thoughtlessness. That would be silly. You, your dh and your parents were all there, one of you should have asked them to leave, or you should have just said you were tired and gone to bed.

Congrats on your new arrival! Hope
you’re feeling better today op, sounds like your Inlaws overstepped the mark.

I agree with others your DH should be stepping up and (politely) chucking everyone out in that situation. To be honest I don’t think I’d have been telling people the visiting hours and when they could come before I’d even given birth!

Perhaps they were also a bit envious of your parents staying? New babies can make grandparent act really weirdly sometimes - I’ve been shocked by a really unpleasant jealous streak (directed to other ‘granny’) that’s revealed itself in my DM since my niece was born.

Cheers for the responses! Sounds like
I need to toughen up a bit and make it clear I need a bit of space to recover!

Op I feel I really connect to your story, similar happened to me and I'm pregnant due soon and I feel it will happen again. I'm too soft and I need to make clear boundaries with the in laws because they already take liberties with my toddler and quite frankly I'm at the hormonal end of pregnancy stage and they've done some recent things that I'd quite happily have them out of my life!

I hope you can toughen up a bit (and maybe give me some tips!)

On day 3 my BIL brought himself, wife and 2 toddlers around. They stayed for 6 hours. I was fuming! It had been a horrible birth and I just wanted peace and quiet. Hope you're ok OP.

They should have come at 3pm,left at 4pm.