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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to wonder who you go on holiday with?

71 replies

M4MMY · 06/08/2018 01:35

...Just that, really.

Every year, my parents desperately want to tag along and be included in our holidays. I don't feel I could handle the stress! I know I'm being selfish and normally I'm not but I just feel I need this me time...

My parents seem to think that it's normal for "families to holiday together". Is it? Do you go abroad with your parents and your children? Or just your children?

I really hate hurting my parents but I'm desperate to know if they have a point? I don't believe most families include grandparents.... Do they?

OP posts:
BarryTheKestrel · 06/08/2018 08:15

I used to holiday with my mum and grandparents as a child, because my mum couldn't afford an abroad holiday on her own and my grandparents used to pay a considerable amount. I am very grateful to them for showing me parts of the world I'd never have seen as a child.

In recent years I've been on holiday with DH, on holiday with DH, DD and friends and their DD, and a camping holiday with MIL and my niece.

Next year we are planning a large family holiday, me and DH, DD and DS, DM, and DGPS. I'm not sure how it'll work out but it's a week....can't be too bad!

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 06/08/2018 08:15

Sometimes just our little unit, sometimes with friends other times with family.

Given how many sadly don't have their parents around, it's quite sad that so many feel they don't count once a spouse comes along. You don't tend to look back and regret what time you did spend with them but what you didn't.

lightonthewater · 06/08/2018 08:16

It depends entirely on your relationship with them. It can be brilliant if you get on well and the children enjoy having them around. Or it can be hell. I had two holidays with my parents which were disastrous.

AnotheBloodyChinHair · 06/08/2018 08:19

I don't think there's a set rule for this. I would love to have the sort of family I'd like to spend my holidays with, but unfortunately I can't think of anything worse than holidaying with my mother. And I have done it, several times. Never again though. She has ruined many summers for me.

I love holidaying with my DH, DS (14) and DD (11). I just adore being with them.

Sweetcarrielynne · 06/08/2018 08:20

My adult siblings and parents and I all go away together every couple of years, and I've been away with my in law too. No grandchildren yet. It works for us because we all get on very well but I can see how it would be stressful if you didn't!

SummerHoliday79 · 06/08/2018 08:25

We regularly holiday with DC's grandparents. They are quite young still and very active so this gives us an extra pair of hands with the DC and they often pay for the numerous soft drink and ice cream demands!

It is lovely and we enjoy it. We get adult companionship, some free childcare and we all have done it enough to know the boundaries.

Ragwort · 06/08/2018 08:26

Obviously it totally depends on your family dynamics but I can't imagine a family holiday with my parents. Despite being in their late 80s they are actually far more active than me and enjoy quite cultural, adventurous holidays themselves in exotic locations. I prefer lying on a beach Grin
I am happy to go away with my DM on a spa break or similar and we have a great time but dragging everyone around together is not really fair on anyone unless you get on very, very well. We used to spend holidays at my parents' home when DS was younger as they lived in a holiday destination but looking back it wasn't really fair to expect my DH to holiday with his in-laws all the time.
I am old enough to be a grandparent myself now and to be honest really wouldn't want to go away with any future DIL and DGC.

BlueGenes · 06/08/2018 08:27

I don't see why it matters what others do, some people do, some people don't.

If I was close with my parents I'd love to go on family holidays together.

HolidayModeMum · 06/08/2018 08:30

I love my parents and we live a two minute walk away but we don't holiday together. The in-laws are also close but a 5 minute drive, we did holiday with them abroad once when dd was a baby but never again! They wanted to come to help with dd, they didn't even take her when she was asleep in her pram for us to have dinner! Lesson learnt!!!

Originalsaltedpeanuts · 06/08/2018 08:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lazypuppy · 06/08/2018 08:32

Both. We had one holiday with my mum when LO was 4 months old, next we are going with friends and then a week away with my partners family.

cptartapp · 06/08/2018 08:32

Never. We do days out at weekends with PIL which is enough, it changes the whole dynamic. Language, topics of conversation, what we eat, the pace of the day etc etc. They have 365 free days a year so don't appreciate how precious our 5 weeks are ( and that includes us taking separate leave to cover school holidays). Family time is me, DH and DC.
I don't think you're being selfish at all. And if they're putting pressure on you to 'tag along' then they are. What about your PIL?

Kintan · 06/08/2018 08:34

We have one holiday on our own, one with the in-laws, and one with my family, although some years the in laws and my family go on a combined holiday. Lots of people I know holiday with extended family, so your parents are correct.

Budgiegirlbob · 06/08/2018 08:51

It is normal, but not everyone does it.

I go away regularly (once or twice a year) with my mum and sister.

Sometimes we take Mum with us on family holidays, sometimes we don’t - it depends where we are going.

We have taken my in laws with us abroad twice when the children were small, and many times camping in the U.K. Bit it all became a bit stressful and not very relaxing , so we gave up on that!

Original poster
M4MMY · 06/08/2018 09:02

Thanks for all the replies... I was going to start replying to individuals but now that I've read the whole thread I can't remember names! Blush

I don't plan on changing my mind. I am close to my parents, who live about two minutes away from us and who we see most days. They're very involved in all of our lives (which I love). I think that's possibly why I feel the need for space on holiday though. I hate to hurt them (which is why, despite having made my decision years ago, it still weighs heavily in my mind). But mentally, I NEED that space. I think because I'm on my own with the kids, they can be very "protective" (smothering). Like I say, I hate to hurt them. My nan did holiday with us and we loved it, but it was a different dynamic. She was elderly and my parents looked after her. My parents are young and fit (and I KNOW how lucky that makes me) but rather than go along with mine and the kids' plans, they'd set up a whole load of their own and with me being outnumbered, that would be how the holiday would go... Yes, the kids would have fun either way. But I feel my own mental health (which hasn't always been too great) is important and like I say, I need that space. Just me and the kids having quality time as our own little unit.

I have (and had) made up my mind but I have been very interested in your responses. Thank you. It's reassuring to see that it doesn't appear to be the norm to holiday together, like my parents keep saying. I just wish they understood but hey, it's only a maximum of 2 out of 52 weeks each year.

Thank you again.

OP posts:
StripeyDeckchair · 06/08/2018 09:02

We always have a family holiday, often at Easter, maybe also an autumn half term break. In the summer we decamp to DPs country and spend time out in our summer cottage on the island. Various of his relatives will be there too so the children have cousins to place with. It's simple - beach, boats & BBQ. Everyone mucks in, including the children. My parents have joined us and my siblings & their families (or just nieces & nephews). We all love it & it means the children are truly multilingual & have great relationships with their cousins.

SoyDora · 06/08/2018 09:07

We take my mum on holiday every year, she’s on her own and on a low income so wouldn’t get a holiday otherwise, and as she works full time she doesn’t get to see a huge amount of her GC despite living round the corner.
We usually go away for a long weekend with my DF and his wife once a year.
DH’s parents live abroad in a holiday spot so we stay with them for at least a week a year.
We also try to have a bit of time going away just the 4 of us, but it doesn’t always happen!
Sometimes it feels a bit onerous, but the grandparents all adore the DC and vice versa and love the holiday time. Maybe it will all change as they get a bit older.

Original poster
M4MMY · 06/08/2018 09:09

My lot don't have cousins... We're close to my sister (my only sibling) but she totally understands me. Her worst nightmare would be a holiday with our parents. It's never suggested though because she doesn't have children. It would be me and my parents and my kids. My sister and I have discussed going away together and both really fancy it but that would be a worse kick to the guts for our parents so easier to do our own thing.

OP posts:
adaline · 06/08/2018 09:11

Holidays are just me and my partner. I love my parents and in laws but I wouldn't want a holiday with them - they'd drive me bonkers! When we have children it might be different and of course we'd include them on the odd day out as well.

But I don't think there's a right or wrong here. It depends how close you are to your family and what you want out of a holiday.

Original poster
M4MMY · 06/08/2018 09:12

And again, one holiday a year is all we can manage (at most). Last year, we didn't have one at all. Or three years ago. Hence the determination to make it count/not come home feeling more in need of a holiday than ever+

OP posts:
Cherubfish · 06/08/2018 09:15

We have in the past occasionally been on holiday with my parents or PILs. Not usually though. They certainly wouldn't expect to come with us.

kaytee87 · 06/08/2018 09:18

We're lucky to be able to afford several holidays so we do a mixture. So this year;

April: week holiday abroad DH family
May: long weekend my family U.K.
June: fortnight abroad just us
Aug: week U.K. my dad & his wife
Sep: long weekend my family U.K.

DH has also got 2 stag dos away this year so I might go to Spain with my mum for a long weekend in October to visit her friend.
It's nice being away with family as it helps keep our toddler entertained and if we fancy a night ourselves then there's babysitters. It's also nice to have our main holiday to ourselves so I'm not sure how I'd feel if we only had one holiday and had to take family with us.

Glitteryfrog · 06/08/2018 09:18

I haven't been on holiday with my parents since I was 10ish I then went on PGL, guide camps, festivals.
We went on one holiday with my in laws (PIL, SIL, her husband and their baby) and vowed never to do it again. We're happily childless and active - ie we wanted to go to the beach, surf and eat dinner out. Everyone else wanted to be home for dinner, baby naps etc.
We've just had a city break with newly widowed MIL which was fine. But she's quite laid back.

Sallystyle · 06/08/2018 09:29

I'm now on the way home from a week away. My mum came with us. It was great.

cantfindamoniker · 06/08/2018 09:30

If you feel you need to be alone without them, then that's what you need. They clearly mean well but it's not the right time for you. There might be another year where you'd lime to be able to hand dcs over to you dps and go for a swim or something alone. But perhaps not this year? My DM is arriving the second week of our holiday. She will look after herself though, do her own thing, join us for the odd meal, and will take our youngest out for ice cream while I take the older ones for a surf lesson. We each decide on how much we want to see each other. If you don't feel able to set boundaries and have them accepted, it won't work. Have a great break.