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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I love MIL but don’t know how to handle this

44 replies

IcebergAhead · 06/08/2018 00:41

We are incredibly lucky to have both sets of grandparents living nearby. We get on really well with our families and genuinely enjoy spending time with them all....BUT since having our baby my MIL is being incredibly overbearing and wants to visit and be involved in EVERYTHING, ALL OF THE TIME!

At the moment we have a standing arrangement that she spends time with me and DD one day in the week (usually 4/5 hour visit) and then we also tend to see her most weekends (at least every other weekend). I see my own DM and DF on another day in the week and then there are three days for me to have some quiet time alone with DD, get out to classes, mix with new baby friends, see other family etc. DH works long hours in the week and bedtime is before he gets home so at the weekend we usually spend a day together just the three of us then see friends or MIL or DM and DF on the other day. Every few months we also spend an entire extended weekend with MIL when DHs siblings are in town.

MIL seems to have cancelled her usually very busy social and hobby life since DD arrived and texts/calls constantly pushing to visit. Its like she is just sitting by the phone waiting to come over 24/7. I get that a new grandchild is a huge deal but I feel that really it is mine and DHs life that has changed and grandparents have a nice addition but it’s strange for their lives to completely stop. By comparison my own DM (who of course also adores DD) is very happy with the amount she sees her. Both MIL and DM have a brilliant bond with DD already too.

DH is amazing and has been kind but firm with MIL so far but it’s getting very hard. We are at the point now where MIL has said she feels like she is begging to see DD and that we are not meeting her expectations of visiting several times a week.

AIBU to want a bit of space and to think that she is already seeing her DGD more than most? Or should I see friends less/have less time for the three of us etc to allow time for MIL to visit more?

OP posts:
Jjjjigoo · 06/08/2018 00:46

Maybe have her over more often but for an hour or two at a time, rather than the full day?
Her choice. I'm glad dh is backing you up.

dingodon · 06/08/2018 00:46

You are creating a rod for your own back with standing arrangements. You, your husband and child need to have time together as a family and that trumps her needs.

By all means having a good relationship with grandparents is wonderful but not if it comes at the cost of sacrifice to the extent your are to your own family unit. Get your husband to push back.

Osirus · 06/08/2018 01:23

My MIL looks after DD for a few hours while I’m at work on one of my days. That’s it, doesn’t visit otherwise and we don’t visit unless there is an organised dinner or something. I think once a week is enough. I rarely saw my grandparents growing up and one set lived barely 1/4 of a mile away.

Your MIL sounds very overbearing and it would make me want to see her far less. Don’t give in to her; she will take over your lives. The current arrangement you have sounds more than fair - don’t be guilt tripped!

missnevermind · 06/08/2018 01:40

Could you invite her over for Tea with you and the little one, so its just for a couple of hours late afternoon early evening, rather than the full 4/5 hour day. That way she will not be interfering with your daytime activities and trips out.

ShovingLeopard · 06/08/2018 01:45

Why has she got 'expectations' you are not meeting? Presumably these are expectations she dreamt up herself, based on her own wants, rather than anything you offered? If so, set her straight. Tell her you need more time to yourselves. You're sorry if she feels short changed, but from your point of view she is seeing her grandchild a lot. You can't accommodate any more visits without it impacting negatively on you, as it will curtail other activities.

KC225 · 06/08/2018 02:11

How old is your baby? Perhaps you and DP can go out for a couple of hours and she can look after the baby. Other than that I think your DH needs to say you are both feeling a little overwhelmed at her intensity and perhaps she should resume her hobby.

SnuggyBuggy · 06/08/2018 02:16

The fact that she has given up her hobby is a bad sign, I would encourage her to resume. Kids benefit more from mentally healthy grandparents with hobbies and interests than needy ones.

cesinok · 06/08/2018 02:22

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Aquamarine1029 · 06/08/2018 02:59

My first thought is to continue to let your husband be the one to deal with her. If you become the "bad guy", all hell could break loose. Stand your ground and don't give in to her nonsense.

Copperbonnet · 06/08/2018 03:21

You (DH and/or you) need to be kind but more direct in response to complaints that she is begging to see your DD.

You need to reset her expectations.

Remind her that she sees DD twice a week at present and that you need time alone with DD and that you need time to establish friendships with other Mums.

Refocus the conversation to examine what you need (what is important for your well being/DD’s development) rather than just what MIL wants.

Stormi12 · 06/08/2018 03:37

OP, you need to take a HUGE step back and re-examine this situation. How on earth are you supposed to establish nuclear family time and traditions with mil constantly up your butt? You are being more than generous with your time - seeing her twice a week, once without dh present, is a lot more than most mils get.

I would scale back her visits to twice a month. Don’t tell her you’re doing it - just do it. Reestablish boundaries and expectations by setting the tone.

“Op! I want to see dd more”. Sorry mil we are a busy family of 3, we will see you June 12 at 2pm. Lather rinse and repeat as necessary.

Movablefeast · 06/08/2018 04:14

I would just try and be as open and honest as possible, be kind but firm and establish comfortable boundaries now. Start as you mean to go on, don't let yourselves be emotionally blackmailed.

Monty27 · 06/08/2018 04:20

Oh dear. I can see this ending in tears if you continue to let people control your life.
You and your new little family need to get some family time. Congratulations Smile

RabbitsAreTasty · 06/08/2018 04:33

We are at the point now where MIL has said she feels like she is begging to see DD and that we are not meeting her expectations of visiting several times a week.

Surely that's when you tell her how much is acceptable to you, and it won't be several times a week. Set her expectations straight asap. She might be upset for a bit but then she'll adapt to the new reality given that she's normally a normal person.

Original poster
IcebergAhead · 06/08/2018 05:22

Baby is just 2 months and EBF so haven’t been able to leave her yet but that could be an idea later on. Thanks KC225

OP posts:
AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 06/08/2018 05:23

This (and I mean all the time you are spending with both families) won't be sustainable long-term - when you're back at work, if you have another, when the child/ren are older and have parties and activities and playdates. The more entrenched you get in a sense that certain (and rising) amounts of time have to go to extended family, the more difficult it will be to break these patterns.

Sit your MIL down with a cup of tea and kindly explain that you can't give her more than the one day a week and weekend time you currently are and remind her of how things will change in the future as per above. She is free to phone to see if it's OK for her to come over at other times, but you have also to be free to say no, whether for a concrete reason or just because it doesn't suit. Tell her what a fab grandmother she is and that you love her bond with dd, and what a shame it would be if your current happy equilibrium was ruined by fraughtness over visiting.

Original poster
IcebergAhead · 06/08/2018 05:27

Thanks all this is really helpful. Time to get the big girl pants on and stand up for what I want for my family. Will be hard but hopefully I can find a gentle way to readjust those expectations!

OP posts:
MissP103 · 06/08/2018 05:36

Op I think you are making a huge mistake with this standing arrangement. What if her day comes and something else comes up and cant commit? Do you have to make it up to her? Theres so many issues that can come up. Sorry but it's obvious your dh isnt that firm enough because shes not been told to take a step back.

I hate the idea that being a grandparent seems like a bigger deal than being an actual parent. You really do not need to pander to her expectations. She sounds suffocating. Best to make a stand now rather than this becoming more complicated.

FrazzledRockRed · 06/08/2018 07:10

Maybe let MIL take her to playgroup or baby signing or whatever for an hour on a day you don’t see her so that she can get her ‘fix’.

FrazzledRockRed · 06/08/2018 07:14

Also let her son deliver the ‘bad news’. Mum it’s not reasonable to see Flossy more than twice a week. You spent more than 8 hours with her last week which is a lot. In fact when we are back at work it might even go down as we need time as a family.’

LeighaJ · 06/08/2018 07:19

Ugh that's way more than I'd be up for, our daughter is 14 weeks. I'm shocked you have the mental and physical energy to do so much.

Once a month overnight visit is what I prefer with in-laws. They live over 2 hours away though.

HolyMountain · 06/08/2018 07:25

You’re already doing a lot to accommodate her wishes and it’s more than generous already.

Don’t give in to her demands, let your Dh deal with her.

What do you do with her when she’s with you for those 4/5 hours, isn’t the baby asleep a lot?

icelollycraving · 06/08/2018 07:30

Meeting her expectations?! Er, well that would make me stubborn and say we can see you a lot less if you like. That would drive me mad.

GeorgeIII · 06/08/2018 07:33

Are you planning to go back to work. Are you planning on joining a gym. DMIL could be useful to babysit when you go out. But once DD is not ebf.
Who will watch DD once if you go back to work.
I would say that whilst DD is tiny she needs to visit less but it could be handy in the long run.
Say you are busy bonding with the baby and want time alone with her. Then you aren't discounting her for helping in the future if you want to go out/do stuff when she is older. You won't want to be cooped up in the house for 4/5 hours with baby, whilst DGM visits, when she is older, you will be busy going places.

mineisarossini · 06/08/2018 07:37

Have a look at your week and decide what WOULD feel right to you.

If your MIL has only stopped her hobbies recently, it may be she has done this temporarily to support you, and that is very sweet of her, she sounds great actually. She is probably on stand by in the nicest possible way (maybe she was unsupported with her own babies and wants to be there for you, or struggled alot and doesn't want you to go through it)

Sit down with DH work out a new time schedule for families and quality time with just you, and gently let her know you are making a few adjustments. If she cares as much as she seems to, she will know the importance of the time you spend together as new family unit.

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