I love MIL but don’t know how to handle this

[IcebergAhead]

We are incredibly lucky to have both sets of grandparents living nearby. We get on really well with our families and genuinely enjoy spending time with them all....BUT since having our baby my MIL is being incredibly overbearing and wants to visit and be involved in EVERYTHING, ALL OF THE TIME!

At the moment we have a standing arrangement that she spends time with me and DD one day in the week (usually 4/5 hour visit) and then we also tend to see her most weekends (at least every other weekend). I see my own DM and DF on another day in the week and then there are three days for me to have some quiet time alone with DD, get out to classes, mix with new baby friends, see other family etc. DH works long hours in the week and bedtime is before he gets home so at the weekend we usually spend a day together just the three of us then see friends or MIL or DM and DF on the other day. Every few months we also spend an entire extended weekend with MIL when DHs siblings are in town.

MIL seems to have cancelled her usually very busy social and hobby life since DD arrived and texts/calls constantly pushing to visit. Its like she is just sitting by the phone waiting to come over 24/7. I get that a new grandchild is a huge deal but I feel that really it is mine and DHs life that has changed and grandparents have a nice addition but it’s strange for their lives to completely stop. By comparison my own DM (who of course also adores DD) is very happy with the amount she sees her. Both MIL and DM have a brilliant bond with DD already too.

DH is amazing and has been kind but firm with MIL so far but it’s getting very hard. We are at the point now where MIL has said she feels like she is begging to see DD and that we are not meeting her expectations of visiting several times a week.

AIBU to want a bit of space and to think that she is already seeing her DGD more than most? Or should I see friends less/have less time for the three of us etc to allow time for MIL to visit more?

I would stop her coming to you so much and visit her instead. Then you get to decide the length of the visit.

So instead of 4 or 5 hours once a week could you call in on the way somewhere like baby group, have a cuppa while she has a cuddle then leave for your group?

On the day she normally comes over start a class. Baby massage or swimming or something.

But your baby is still so small and she sounds so excited. I expect the novelty will eventually wear off.

I’m about to become a DGM and I’m staggered at your MILs expectations. Why on earth has she given up her hobby? You don’t mention if she has a DP/DH around. If there is, would it be worth having a chat with him to get her to tone this down?

As a PP said, GPs with interesting lives are much healthier and quite frankly more fun! My DCs had all four DGPs around growing up, and when they were babies we saw them regularly but not in a formal every weekend arrangement. We tended to visit them rather than the other way.

Could you pop in to your MILs for a coffee? That way you decide how long the visit is and if you go back to work it will stop/reduce naturally because you’ll be at work. And if you’re planning on her helping with some childcare, you’ll keep her sweet and available.

Stop having her come to you. Take the baby to see her when you can ' on your way sonewhere' then you control how long to stay. If she complains, smile then visit one less time the following week. When she calls you can be in your way out, if she pops around in person unannounced just don't answer. Don't engage with any conversations about her allocated times, don't give her an expectation of a set day and never tell her about when your mum sees the baby. Get your du Todo any mil management. If you do it you will just be the evil daughter in law keeping Herr from her grandchild

Don’t push her away too much...I did this and regret it now as years later when I could do with some help, she’s not very forth coming. Babies are only exciting for the first year really, after that, you will want to share them!!

I love my mil but I find her a bit overbearing. We're staying with them at the moment and for some reason, some days she becomes very proprietal about our 8 month old ds, physically taking him out of my arms and trying to make unnecessary decisions that overrule mine. She's absolutely lovely, so helpful with a strong personality in general. But some days I want to strangle her!! What happens is the more she pushes, the more I pull away, and put my foot down when I didn't really feel so strongly in the first place. This happened earlier this week, I was so annoyed with her. The next day she calmed down with regards to her behaviour, and so did I.... I ensured I left ds with her a lot more and let her make the little plans for his day.

I think it's very hard for mil in general. Not excusing their behaviours at all, and every one is different. But when I was at my angriest this week, I fast forwarded to the future and imagined how i would feel if ds had a baby, and started to understand her feelings about my son a little more.

Sorry probably not similar to you at all and certainly no advice here, just wanted to say how it's a very common and complex dynamic. Stand your ground, but occasionally throw her an "unnecessary" bone. It's stops them going over the top the rest of the time, I think.....

DSS's mother was like this. She lives quite close to them and was forever calling in unannounced.

They had to be really firm with her in the end, insisted on no unplanned visits, and started to decline visits at less than 3-day intervals. It didn't work initially, she'd still call round with stuff she'd just bought for the baby, and in the end the baby's mother* just used to take them from her at the door, say "Thank you, but I'm busy at the moment" and sometimes just not answer the door.

She still didn't really get the message but she's the princess of pushiness with the skin of a rhino so that's not surprising.

*there really should be a convenient expression for the mother of my partner's grand-daughter!

At two months it's still early days so with any luck she'll calm down and get back to her normal life. I disagree with suggestions that you should have her over more often for shorter periods as that would mean more days each week when gran has to be considered in your plans. I really wouldn't want that as the established norm at this early stage, it may prove very difficult to alter that situation down the line!

There's no need to have a falling out (hopefully!) but next time she comments about not seeing her enough that's your opportunity to explain that you need time with dd by yourself/with DH and that you want to mix with other new mums as well as see your own parents etc. Don't be apologetic about it - she's the gran not the mum and while she may wish she could dote over her new GD every day she has to accept that's not happening.

we are not meeting her expectations of visiting several times a week.

Just think about that sentence, turn it around a bit. What are your expectations of her as a grandparent? Is she meeting these expectations?

Surely the answer then is that she isn’t meeting your expectations of the role you wish a grandparent to play in your child’s life. I’m not saying you need to be so cruel as to use these words. What I’m saying is you would be best to decide how you and your dh want the situation to be and strive to get it.

I think the visiting her on your way out somewhere and dropping the 4/5 hour visits and expected weekend visits would be a great start. If she complains you and your dh are going to have to sit her down and explain you have a personal life with friends as well as wanting to be your little family some of the time to grow your family memories and your family traditions. Try being bright and breezy about it and ask her when she is going to do her hobby next.

My mother had a ton of expectations before dd was born. I just told her it wasn’t happening. She didn’t like it. But tough. This is my child. She’s done her parenting and I’m striving to get right some of the things where she went wrong. Her interference and references to how superior her son is to me would have got in the way had I let her.

You're not meeting her expectations...

Says it all really. Not meeting mutually agreed expectations is one thing but she can't just decide all by herself! Hopefully it will settle down in time as it isn't such a novelty and when he is older you may be glad of the break. At the moment though she is pushing you too hard and you are coping really well!

4/5 hour visits! That’s crazy. How inconvenient.

Can you change this to 30mins every couple of days? Just a drop in? Who has the time for this. It seems very strange.

My MIL lives down the road. I’d say we see her 4 or 5 times a week, visits between 10 and 20 mins usually, with a proper catch up every few weeks. It works for us.

Meant to add, do not push her away too much. KEEP IT LIGHT.

Congrats on your DD . How lovely that you have support of family that clearly love her too.

Speaking from experience my DMIL has been very hands on with my two DC and been such a help to me over the years, however I would echo what others have said, you of course need time alone as a little family and it’s selfish of relations to put their wants first. If your MIL is like mine and is routine driven shall we say, if you have a set day a week that she comes over, she may consider that carved in stone and get hurt if it’s changed. So perhaps change the each day to suit you, and if your tired etc say you want to rest with the baby and say you will see her another time. Just because she rings constantly wanting to call in, doesn’t mean you have to answer the phone, or invite her over. DH may need to speak to his mum and ask her to be less full on, in the nicest possible way! Could you send MIL photos of baby etc when she’s not over to may her feel included without a visit?

Good luck OP, remember it’s still early days so hopefully things will settle soon.

Can you wangle a conversation about her children, her MIL and how that went down?

Practise a few stock answers to cover all options and you should be able to drop some hints basically saying how nice it is to have someone involved, but taking over is not required, and how she ha really had her time with her own children,

Then if she is dense enough not to take the hint send dh in as the big guns to deal with his own mother!

Gosh, what you have described sounds so suffocating!

She clearly needs to give her head a wobble as using emotional blackmail and guilt tripping isn’t on.

I think the suggestion of popping into hers and leaving when you want is a good one. I also, think that she needs to be told that sometimes you may have other plans on her days.

Ask her how much she saw her
mother in law when her children were small.

I agree with the others. It’s too much.

I would also look at ways MIL can be useful but on a timed basis eg drop baby off for a half hour/an hour shop in the supermarket/shop plus coffee - then you have to go as you have frozen stuff to get home. Make it like it is a favour to her rather than your convenience 'would you like me to drop baby in to you for some time with you rather than me drag her round the supermarket' In time this will be valuable (when said child refuses to sit in trolley seat, insists on picking up random items you do not need and putting in the trolley or wants to lie in middle of aisle and scream for no reason etc)

I agree with pp. Stop the every week routine or it will be your life forever. My DM could never understand that we as a family, didn't want to spend all weekend visiting her and DF. We had stand up rows because she accused me of keeping her DGC from her. DC didn't want to see them every weekend either. I didn't want visits to become a chore. I would occasionally ring her up and see if she was available for a visit.

Keep it light. Tell her to back off - in the nicest way possible. If this doesn't work be brutal. Trust me you will regret it if you don't act now.

You sound completely reasonable and like you already see them a lot. It sounds like MIL had totally different expectations and she was maybe thinking she would see you most days to help out with the baby, etc.

Could you text/phone her when you’re on your way back from seeing friends,etc and say ‘on way back home if you want to pop round’. Obviously only if you enjoy her company and she’s a help.

Just be careful of pushing her away. I did similar with DC1 as a newborn, now I’ve got 3 and I would LOVE them to come a few times a week to watch DC while I do dinner, etc. If you’ve got a MIL who wants to see her GC more, help out etc it probably feels unneeded when they are newborns but can be worth it’s weigt in gold as DC get older, you have more.

This is too much. DH needs to spell it out to his mum that as much as you love seeing her and understand that she loves her GC you have a life and need some space to see your friends, go to baby classes or just chill with DH.

I get that she's in love with your DD but this isn't just about her feelings. Hopefully she will understand and step back a bit.