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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being a bitch

52 replies

Stepmum3 · 06/08/2018 00:36

I have very little time for my MIL. She isn’t my kind of person and every thought I have about her is confirmed all the time.

When I first met my partner his mum was doing majority of the care for his kids.

I used to work seven days a week so In the school holidays we used to spend quite a bit of time together as time was scarce in term time. On one school holiday she was crying saying she felt used as he wasn’t spending enough time with her. Bear in mind I still worked weekends during school holidays so I didn’t interrupt that time. This was the beginning of the turning point. Also if my partner did stay over the weekend with his children he had to leave his eldest child as his mum didn’t like being alone.

When my partner moved in with me I felt like we were turning into her personal slaves she used to text for them ( my partner and eldest step son) to go to the shops. She is still capable of walking to the shop just takes a little longer. She has an illness that means overtime movement is restricted.
This is where my major grip comes from as this is used all the time. My eldest step son 16 now quite often is used as an unofficial carer for her. So if my partners sister is away my step son goes and stays so she can take a shower safely. I kicked off about this as my step son already has issues about his mum not being around and doesn’t need added issues because something happened on he’s watch.

So now with the younger two I make a point of taking them away from this as I don’t feel it is their place. She gets my step daughter 7 to put her shoes on. And if we are our will attempt to take step daughter with her to help her with her trousers. When we went swimming last week I made my partner go in with his mum as I don’t think it’s a 7 or 9 yr place to care for her.

My partner speaks to his mum most days and visits at least once a week. I choose not to visit as much as I don’t really like her and find her infuriating.

The bit that gets me annoyed mostly is a relative recently commented we can’t leave her isolated. We have six children between us and both work full time and I actually think this comment is very unfair towards my partner. Infact this comment really annoys me as I took on three children not their nan as well. My partner and I rarely see each other as it is as he at certain times of year can work long hours and we have numerous clubs for the children so we never actually relax together.

I am at a point where I feel I have had enough. People think i am being unduly harsh but I feel already we have too much. My partner is lovely and I love that about him but my annoyance with his mum is really eating away at me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stepmum3 · 06/08/2018 00:53

Sorry meant to say when she goes to the toilet

OP posts:
Skarossinkplungerridesagain · 06/08/2018 03:02

Am I being a bitch?

Absolutely.

TheSerenDipitY · 06/08/2018 03:17

a bit yes
and when you take on a man, you also take on his children ( if he has them) and his family

ohtheholidays · 06/08/2018 03:44

No YANBU!

I'm disabled and in constant pain but I still try and do things for myself if I can,my DH helps me with anything I struggle with.

We have 5DC DS22,DS20,DS16,DD15,DD10 and there is no way on Gods earth that I would ever expect them to take me to the toilet,help me get changed or anything else and they're my DC not my Grandchildren.

The leaving his oldest DC behind so his Mum wouldn't be alone is awful,she's a grown women and if she needs that much help then she needs to sort some proper help out,maybe that's something you and your DP could help her look into?

FeistyOldBat · 06/08/2018 03:52

I don't think you're being a bitch; we all have our limits to what we think is reasonable and fair, and what we can actually do without sacrificing our own needs and risking our health.

I assume she's retired. It would be good if you or DP could investigate what benefits she might be entitled to, it certainly sounds like she needs some help that would qualify her for Attendance Allowance. Once you have an idea of what might be available for her, DP could talk to her about it.

Putting grab bars and a seat in the shower would make it safer for her; a wall mounted folding seat can be fitted in a very small shower cubicle, like the one in my house! But that doesn't solve her need for company, though.

It's absolutely unfair that children should be made to be carers, and 16 in my view, is still a child.

Are there are other relatives closely related enough to be expected to share the responsibility?

junebirthdaygirl · 06/08/2018 04:40

I think you are forgetting SHE WAS DOING THE MAJORITY OF THE CARE FOR HIS KIDS. How can you be so mean when she did this. It won't kill the 16 year old to care for his Nan every now and then. You didn't say he was complaining as he is probably attached to her due to her half rearing him.
When you took on this man you needed to have a good look at his life and realise the important people in it.
A 7 year old helping her Nan with her shoes is lovely. Bathroom ..no.

Monty27 · 06/08/2018 04:50

Poor woman with the selfish blow in.
You clearly only care about yourself so you might as well leave them to it. Hmm

TheHulksPurplePanties · 06/08/2018 05:17

Oh no, you're not a bitch. You're quite a bit worse than a bitch. There but for the grace of God OP, hope you never find yourself in that position.

Also, FWIW, growing up with a DGP who was disabled, helping them and spending time with them made me a better person.

ferntwist · 06/08/2018 05:57

You should let them help out. How does it hurt you? Their grandma raised them.

HellenaHandbasket · 06/08/2018 06:09

I'm guessing you were happy for her to look after them in the early days of your relationship and you wanted him to yourself eh?

Singlenotsingle · 06/08/2018 06:11

How do the children feel about it? And isn't there a bio mum around? What does she make of it? I think if everyone else is happy and you're the only one kicking off then you are being U. I don't know about being a bitch. You're thinking about the DSC!

TidyDancer · 06/08/2018 06:14

This whole situation is confusing. You say partner but then you say MIL so are we talking husband or boyfriend? If the latter I'm not sure why you're making decisions for the children. How long have you been together?

HotSauceCommittee · 06/08/2018 06:26

Aww, poor woman, raising her grandchildren and feeling used and crying sounds so sad. Please have some compassion.

Dandygal1976 · 06/08/2018 06:31

Is she getting Direct Payments from the Council - it will depend on her income. If she does not have a large income then the Council will give her money to pay for her own care. This can be paid to relatives if they do not live with her but not under 18 year old. There is help out there.

Clairetree1 · 06/08/2018 06:33

yes you are being a bitch, since you ask

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 06/08/2018 06:36

She raised the children so she’s more like their mother and you want to distance them from her.

Yes YABU. Massively. What kind of uncaring society do we live where we don’t take care of our elderly relatives who sacrificed so much for us?

NasdaqYouTwat · 06/08/2018 06:38

Yes, you are being a bitch.

LeighaJ · 06/08/2018 06:44

Children shouldn't be used as carers that sounds extremely unhealthy, so I don't think you're in the wrong being upset about that.

However her adult children should help her out.

It sounds like she might be malingering a bit with her illness and people closer to her are a better judge of that then strangers on the internet. If she is doing that then I can see that being infuriating as I've witnessed that being done to someone before and it caused them lots of unnecessary added stress and soured the relationship.

Uzicorn · 06/08/2018 06:44

You haven't taken on his mum, OP. You aren't doing anything for her, her son and GC are.

Why should your SIL have to bear the brunt of being a carer just because she's a woman? Of course your DH should do his fair share.

And your step-kids should continue to help where appropriate, although I agree that your DP needs to ensure his kids arn't doing too much.

You sound very arrogant the way you've ordered step-kids not to do this or that.

missperegrinespeculiar · 06/08/2018 06:48

yes, you are, since you ask, awful!

maxthemartian · 06/08/2018 06:54

So many children are raised to be selfish, entitled and young for their age. Nothing wrong with a 16 year old helping to care for a disabled relative, it will make him a mature and compassionate person.
You on the other hand are trying to make these children as awful as you.

paintinmyhairAgain · 06/08/2018 06:54

sorry, but you are being a bit unreasonable, but i can understand why you feel the way you do to a certain extent with regards to the toilet and nan can't be left on her own. i'm sure she doesn't need constant company but the dgc should be able to have as much contact as they want with her.
dp should get social services involved and find out if adaptions can be made to her home and if help is available with day to day care.
it is a similar situation with my mum, she was heavily involved with my dc when they were young the dc were / are close to her -some more than others.

DottyBlue2 · 06/08/2018 06:55

I think you're coming in for a bit of a hard time on here OP.

Have you looked at Help The Aged so that they can assess her needs? Perhaps paying for a carer will ease the burden.

Dandygal1976 · 06/08/2018 06:59

I think it is a bit harsh the comments as well. She obviously does need help and that should be given but form your post I can see elements of malingering. The children should help a bit as it is a life lesson but only proportionate to their age and structured and agreed between you and you partner. Please seek Direct Payments - if she is entitled it will change all your lives.

Nanna50 · 06/08/2018 06:59

So because you have no time for her you think others should not either. It was perfectly ok for her to do the majority of care for his children but not for the children or your partner to do any for her? Why shouldn't grandchildren help out sometimes?

Your post is all about what you think and if the stepson has issues does he really need you kicking off? Your partner may have never had the time or opportunity to meet you and progress your relationship had his mother not provided so much care. The fact you need to ask whether you are being a bitch speaks volumes.