Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being a bitch

52 replies

Stepmum3 · 06/08/2018 00:36

I have very little time for my MIL. She isn’t my kind of person and every thought I have about her is confirmed all the time.

When I first met my partner his mum was doing majority of the care for his kids.

I used to work seven days a week so In the school holidays we used to spend quite a bit of time together as time was scarce in term time. On one school holiday she was crying saying she felt used as he wasn’t spending enough time with her. Bear in mind I still worked weekends during school holidays so I didn’t interrupt that time. This was the beginning of the turning point. Also if my partner did stay over the weekend with his children he had to leave his eldest child as his mum didn’t like being alone.

When my partner moved in with me I felt like we were turning into her personal slaves she used to text for them ( my partner and eldest step son) to go to the shops. She is still capable of walking to the shop just takes a little longer. She has an illness that means overtime movement is restricted.
This is where my major grip comes from as this is used all the time. My eldest step son 16 now quite often is used as an unofficial carer for her. So if my partners sister is away my step son goes and stays so she can take a shower safely. I kicked off about this as my step son already has issues about his mum not being around and doesn’t need added issues because something happened on he’s watch.

So now with the younger two I make a point of taking them away from this as I don’t feel it is their place. She gets my step daughter 7 to put her shoes on. And if we are our will attempt to take step daughter with her to help her with her trousers. When we went swimming last week I made my partner go in with his mum as I don’t think it’s a 7 or 9 yr place to care for her.

My partner speaks to his mum most days and visits at least once a week. I choose not to visit as much as I don’t really like her and find her infuriating.

The bit that gets me annoyed mostly is a relative recently commented we can’t leave her isolated. We have six children between us and both work full time and I actually think this comment is very unfair towards my partner. Infact this comment really annoys me as I took on three children not their nan as well. My partner and I rarely see each other as it is as he at certain times of year can work long hours and we have numerous clubs for the children so we never actually relax together.

I am at a point where I feel I have had enough. People think i am being unduly harsh but I feel already we have too much. My partner is lovely and I love that about him but my annoyance with his mum is really eating away at me.

OP posts:
hiddeneverything · 06/08/2018 07:04

YANBU. I'm sure if she needed the help then you'd be happy to help, but she goes about it in the wrong way. Can you organise carers to take the pressure off DSS? X

Petalflowers · 06/08/2018 07:05

I think it depends on her needs. If she is perfectly capable, and using you as her ‘personal slaves’, then she is being unreasonable. However, if she does need support, then you should help,her.

Can you oook for ourside help? Encouurage her to got to clubs? Maybe she is lonely since you took in the childcare role? Also, can you invest in a lifeline for when she is alone, so if she is in trouble, she can call someone.

Nanna50 · 06/08/2018 07:06

Has their grandmother been their mother figure with no bio mother on the scene?

glintandglide · 06/08/2018 07:08

I agree with you mainly OP. It’s not fair on a 16 year old to be expected to be an unofficial carer- it must be very stressful for them

Raven88 · 06/08/2018 07:14

So you want to just leave her isolated work no help?

Raven88 · 06/08/2018 07:14

*with

longwayoff · 06/08/2018 07:14

You sound like a jealous selfish hag

CantankerousCamel · 06/08/2018 07:15

I don’t think there is anything wrong with the kids helping out with care. It will be good for them if it’s not too much

ThatsNotMyUnicorn · 06/08/2018 07:17

If you're worried about your step children becoming carers perhaps you should step in and help care for her when needed instead?

RainySeptember · 06/08/2018 07:20

It sounds like they had a reciprocal arrangement that worked for them.

You say he sees her once a week? I don't think that's too much of a commitment really, and the duties don't sound too onerous.

So yes on balance you do sound like a bit of a bitch. I winced when you complained about her texting when she needed something from the shop for example.

PurpleFlower1983 · 06/08/2018 07:25

You do sound like a bitch OP. I wonder how you would cope in her position? Let’s hope you never have to.

PurpleFlower1983 · 06/08/2018 07:27

My mum is disabled and honestly this thread has really pissed me off. Your attitude is disgusting, let her family support her and keep your nose out. I’m surprised your partner puts up with your attitude.

TheHulksPurplePanties · 06/08/2018 07:32

It’s not fair on a 16 year old to be expected to be an unofficial carer- it must be very stressful for them

The 16 year old goes to stay with her when his aunt is away. I happily volunteered to do this kind of thing when I was that age with my DGF when my DGM was in hospital or away. It was great to spend time with him (even if he did make fun of the way I made biscuits :P) .

IceCreamFace · 06/08/2018 08:01

Infact this comment really annoys me as I took on three children not their nan as well.

Surely if you take on your partner you take on their family, including elderly parents too?

I somewhat agree about using the children as carers (although I don't see the harm in a child helping their nan with her shoes) but by the sound of it this woman does require care and she's not getting it.

I understand it's difficult because both you and your partner sound very busy but it does sound like there needs to be a solution where your MiL is looked after and not left isolated.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 06/08/2018 08:06

I think her spending time with them is not unreasonable if she was used as free childcare for a long period of time. To simply remove them likely does make her feel used.

However, I vehemently disagree with children being carers and would be insisting your partner stepped up and that the children did no caring. Nipping to the shop occasionally yes, helping her shower etc no.

Cath2907 · 06/08/2018 08:06

Nothing wrong with a7yr old helping Nan put her shoes on! When I did my back last year my DD aged 6 was asked to do lots of little helpful jobs like that - she enjoyed helping. You do sound very unreasonable.

Quartz2208 · 06/08/2018 08:12

What do you partner and step children feel about it - this post is all about you and how it affects it from your perspective

Maybe the 16 year old having been brought up a lot by his Nan wants to help as he knows (if I am correct) she has a degenerative disease and struggles

SoyDora · 06/08/2018 08:14

I can see why she felt used if she was providing full time care in term time and then you barely saw her in the holidays as you wanted ‘family time’. It sounds like she’s acted as a mother figure to the children in the absence of their actual mother, and that they have a close relationship with her.
I agree that them acting as her carers would be too much, but it doesn’t seem like that’s what’s going on here, more just that they give her a bit of help when she needs it? I think that sort of responsibility is good for them, and they sound like lovely helpful children. I was happy to help my grandmother out when needed at a similar age. Their father is also capable of making decisions on what is appropriate or hot, I imagine?
I think your personal feelings for her are clouding your judgment on this.

Thatsfuckingshit · 06/08/2018 08:26

Hmm I am not convinced you are being a bitch. But I don't think you are entirely being fair either.

I think you feel a lot pressure and think that a lot lot pressure being put on your partners children. It sounds like she is capable of doing somethings bit feels that everyone else shpild donit for her instead. You don't really like your dps mum and that's making you take this too far.

The problem is that this is obviously a dynamic that has gone on for a while before you were part of it. It's not going to change just because you are there.

There needs to be compromise. Yes, you use the holidays as time together and I get that. However I can see how she feels used if she doesn't see them during the holidays.

Compromise needs to be reached on both sides. She needs to understand you need and want time together and you need to understand she feels used and make an effort for her to see the kids.

I don't think kids should be helping her with her trousers etc, when their is a capable adult around. Quote frankly, it sounds like she needs proper carers if a 16 year old HAS to go stay with her and she needs help with basics such as getting dressed. I don't think all that should fall on your Dp, his sister and the kids.

Apehouse · 06/08/2018 10:05

Sounds to me like the MIL is acting needy. I understand your frustration, OP, and do not think you’re a bitch.

SillySallySingsSongs · 06/08/2018 10:09

In answer to your question, yes you are.

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 06/08/2018 10:22

Why is it ok for your DP to use his Mum for free childcare but not for your MIL to ask anything in return.

Besides has it occurred to you that she may be lonely?

Your attitude makes me so sad.

Gettingbackonmyfeet · 06/08/2018 10:27

I am wondering if part of the issue is how you are wording it.

If I take away the martyr tone it sounds as if you have a reason to be annoyed as it does sound like she is making a meal of it and asking for help in situations she doesn't need it which makes you resentful of helping when she does need it

Firstly you didn't "take on"anything...you chose to get into a relationship with a DP who had DC...dont make it out as if you are doing it out of altruism (and I'm a blended family too so this bit irritates me)

I firmly agree DC shouldn't be taking on the responsibility of caring...absolutely fine to support and help but it isn't their responsibility to be a carer

You are being picky about helping with shoes etc that's not a big deal but no to the toilet and staying over in their own

You need to separate the general anger from the actual issue.... it's irrelevant that you don't like her unless she is toxic to the DC or expecting you to do any of this

Step back and calmly review what bits of this you actually feel are unreasonable and deal with those

BunsOfAnarchy · 06/08/2018 10:30

You're disgusting OP.

Bet you'd rather see her in a care home and out of your hair right?

LagunaBubbles · 06/08/2018 10:32

You are being horrible and selfish. This is your partners Mother, its nice he wants to see her. So many people on here treat MILS as irrelevant and spare to their family, especially when elderly would you like your children to do that to you? No of course not.