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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP replacing everything

71 replies

Silvermockingbird · 06/08/2018 00:33

DP replacing most of the furniture/rugs/curtains in the house with his own hideous taste

I do feel a bit unreasonable as he is the only one working. But for example next week he is spending nearly 2 grand on a sofa set from sofology that I absolutely despise. Probably the only one in the shop I wouldn’t consider.

He had a long time off work and I am in college and looking after our toddler, now he is back working and apparently I don’t get a say in anything as he is the one paying for it all..

I understand we have completely diferent taste but all I want is a compromise!

OP posts:

SlowDown76mph · 06/08/2018 07:54

In what sense is he a 'partner'? I can't see anything in your description of his behaviour towards you that makes him sound like one. He's being abusive. Nip in the bud now. Before you start to get too ground down to recognise what is normal. Before your toddler starts to learn the wrong lessons about relationships.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 06/08/2018 07:54

“I dunno why your looking your not the one buying it”

Absolutely no way. Not even slightly acceptable.

AgathaF · 06/08/2018 07:58

This isn't about furniture. It's about him not valuing you, not caring about your thoughts or opinions, not seeing you as equal to him. Can you continue to live with a man like this?

seven201 · 06/08/2018 07:58

I couldn't be with someone so selfish. Sit him down for a good talk.

Ryder63 · 06/08/2018 08:01

No no no. He doesn't 'value' you. This is clear to everyone posting here.

Ellie56 · 06/08/2018 08:02

I agree this is about so much more than a hideous sofa. He is an abusive knob and treating you with total disrespect. I would not put up with this kind of behaviour.

Whose house is it?

ZebraOwl · 06/08/2018 08:06

As PPs have said, his behaviour is unacceptable to the point of being abusive. He's able to go out & do this Oh So Special And Important job of his (in part, at least) because you are looking after the children you have together - as well as studying.

He might well be dealing with some toxic masculinity issues over having been out of work, returning to work, & the construct of the male head of household - but he doesn't get to work through them by being an utter shitehawk. Is there anyone in his life who models &/or might be encouraging this [type of] behaviour? Obviously it's entirely possible that he's just a controlling arse & you'd be best to leave him & his soft furnishings (am sure they'll make each other very happy); but if there'd never been any hint at all of this mindset before it might be worth (briefly & safely) exploring if this is a kind of momentary madness rather than a semaphore display using the reddest of flags.

Whose stuff is it that he's planning to chuck btw? If it's yours I think that's even more of an issue somehow...

Refusing to accept delivery of the sofa seems drastic, but like it might force him to have a real conversation with you about it - will he actually engage if you do that?

Good luck sorting it all out

MissusGeneHunt · 06/08/2018 08:08

Utter nob. The sofa debacle is probably one of many. OP, is this dictatorial behaviour something that shows itself a lot?

Never posted a LTB before but it'd be on my list of considerations, especially if this wasn't a one off. Has he not heard of compromise??

QuoadUltra · 06/08/2018 08:11

This is so wrong, OP. The couch needs to go back and you need to go to relationship counselling.

pictish · 06/08/2018 08:13

You’re kidding?!

Um...noooo. Items for the home are a joint decision...and often a compromise that both can live with and enjoy, regardless of who is paying!

“I don’t know why you’re looking....you’re not the one paying for it.”

What an utter utter utter bellend. Fuck letting him choose everything! It just wouldn’t happen in here.

AnnieAnoniMoose · 06/08/2018 08:14

If you are for real, then put a stop to this now. Tell him YOU are at home looking after HIS child. HE is not buying it, you are BOTH buying it. Tell him, he needs to grow the fuck it or move out. He’s behaving like a complete prick.

Cherubfish · 06/08/2018 08:15

OP, you say in your OP that you feel a bit unreasonable but you are not being unreasonable at all.

I was a SAHM for several years but DH would never have bought a sofa I disliked. We both had an equal say. That's how a partnership should work.

When he was off work for ages did you behave like he was completely worthless?

MikeUniformMike · 06/08/2018 08:19

Why did you have a child with this control freak?

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/08/2018 08:20

Has he thrown out your stuff or his stuff? Whose house is this?

Whenever there’s a thread like this, my first thought is, is this how you wish your child to be when they’re an adult? Ie A misogynistic male or a subservient female.

I like the “it’s me or the sofa” line. Do you have childcare set up? I imagine you do as he now works all day I assume.

Rememory · 06/08/2018 08:28

This is bigger than a sofa OP. What else is he doing?

SluttyButty · 06/08/2018 08:28

This is just not how a normal relationship works but you know that. I don't work but my husband does. We've been doing up the house and it's taken an eternity to get anything done because we've had to compromise on everything. My husband has some fairly questionable style choices, just choosing a sofa took months.

Living like this is not healthy for you or your child.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 06/08/2018 08:51

I think you started this thread as a bit of a moan OP but your 'partner' isn't a 'D'P in any sense. He's letting you know that his money is for him to decide how to spend it - not you because you are not working.

How is that in any way a partnership? Just for shits and giggles, try putting your foot down to see where the land lies. Actually, it will show you exactly what sort of person he is and that won't be fun. I could be eye-opening for you though and you may well decide that it's not for you.

He sounds AWFUL to me. Sorry but you're nobody's chattel or 'kept woman'. Urgh.

Poppyinagreenfield · 06/08/2018 08:56

On the other hand think of all of your time it frees up.

The sofa war ... he thinks he has won it but in fact you have.

When is he going to do the curtains.

If you could rent or buy another place to retreat to when he is out earning it would assist with a more co ordinated and calming colour scheme. If not make a retreat room yours.

Be in the house but not of the house.

He is an arse.

SasBel · 06/08/2018 08:57

Don’t usually judge on a snapshot but I am flabbergasted! I am a SAHM and do most of the furniture choosing! I let DH know what I am looking at, but he has not disagreed with me yet
I agree with pp, you have bigger issues than sofas.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 06/08/2018 09:01

You need to put your foot down about this now. No way should he be changing everything with no input from. Does the sofa even need changing?

Doingreat · 06/08/2018 10:48

Tell him you're thinking of replacing him

This is a RELATIONSHIP. which means he doesn't get to decide alone. If he wants to decide alone then he has to live alone

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