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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP replacing everything

71 replies

Silvermockingbird · 06/08/2018 00:33

DP replacing most of the furniture/rugs/curtains in the house with his own hideous taste

I do feel a bit unreasonable as he is the only one working. But for example next week he is spending nearly 2 grand on a sofa set from sofology that I absolutely despise. Probably the only one in the shop I wouldn’t consider.

He had a long time off work and I am in college and looking after our toddler, now he is back working and apparently I don’t get a say in anything as he is the one paying for it all..

I understand we have completely diferent taste but all I want is a compromise!

OP posts:
annastasiabeaverhausen · 06/08/2018 04:48

If you weren't looking after dc that is half his responsibility then he wouldn't be able to work. It is family money, not his money. Get rid of this asshole.

rainbowstardrops · 06/08/2018 05:06

Well he sounds like an absolute peach Confused
There is no way on earth I'd allow that attitude to me

Zoflorabore · 06/08/2018 05:28

My dp wouldn't dream of doing this!
This is about more than sofa choice/curtains/rugs it's about power.

And he has it. Earning power. In his head only.

He seems resentful of the fact that he's the earner. Maybe a little reminder of his stay at home jolly is in order op?

I'm sorry but this is out of order. Your home is your castle, your sanctuary and somewhere you should love.

Many of us want/need new things and take great pleasure in choosing them and then using them in our homes.

This is a large purchase and shows the height of his disregard for you.

I would refuse to sit on it. Childish maybe but I would.

If you were choosing a bed/mattress then surely both partners needs and wants would be taken into consideration? This is also something you would be spending a lot of time ( and money ) on so your opinion is very valid.

He's a tosser. This almost autocorrected to toaster which may be easier on the eye but I checked it first thankfully Grin

Shoxfordian · 06/08/2018 05:46

Is he usually like this about money?

Bumpitybumper · 06/08/2018 05:49

This is bordering on financial abuse here OP. Why do you get no say over how the money is spent when you are contributing through looking after your shared child?

chill2003 · 06/08/2018 05:57

This goes way beyond a sofa choice. He's controlling and disrespectful and seems to be enjoying the fact you don't like it!

I wouldn't usually tell someone to have a think about their relationship solely over a dispute on sofa design but this sounds bigger than that. Personally, I couldn't be with someone who thought I didn't deserve choices because I wasn't working. Rude.

Rafflesway · 06/08/2018 07:05

Who owns the house, OP?

If I was in your shoes I would be making preparations to leave. You definitely can’t live like this! His attitude is vile and he is certainly no role model for your D.C. ☹️

ClemDanfango · 06/08/2018 07:10

Fuck that noise! He’s financially controlling and an utter prick. How on earth can you be so calm and jovial about that?

LakieLady · 06/08/2018 07:14

Paint all the walls a colour he hates while he's at work.

When he complains, tell him that as he's not the one looking at them all day, he doesn't get a say.

This is awful behaviour though, big purchases should be agreed by both of you. Which is why we have never got round to replacing our knackered sofas, we can't agree (he wants leather, I want fabric).

Petalflowers · 06/08/2018 07:20

So has he moved into your house and is now changing everything because ‘he is the man of the house and is earning’? You need to stop this immediately. It’s not about the sofa, it’s about control.

paintinmyhairAgain · 06/08/2018 07:24

it would be childish on your part to damage the hideous stuff, so be the bigger and better person on that one.
it doesn't sound as if he values you at all and i would be looking at the relationship over all before the rot really sets in big time. i would seriously considering kicking him to the kerb. easier said than done but why waste your life with this rubbish, you have a dc to consider as well in his power play games.

mineisarossini · 06/08/2018 07:25

Why are you not choosing home furnishings together?

This is not good at all, why does he get to decide how the home is furnished and decorated and you have no say? Are you 5 years old or a house slave? There the only two reasons I can think of as to why you are not involved in choosing things for your home. This is not normal, and smacks of a horrible controlling bully.

sparklefarts · 06/08/2018 07:28

a “I dunno why your looking your not the one buying it”

Shock sounds like a cunt. Sorry OP.

CantankerousCamel · 06/08/2018 07:28

I would phone the shop and cancel the order today.

Explain that you’ve done it and that you will continue to do it until you’re both included in the decision making.

CantankerousCamel · 06/08/2018 07:28

Or tell it’s literally him or the sofa. When they drop it off, make them leave it in the front garden and pile all his stuff on it and change the locks

billybagpuss · 06/08/2018 07:30

Give him a choice

partnership = compromise
singledom = dictatorship

you decide

Excited0803 · 06/08/2018 07:31

Furniture has to be jointly chosen because it's a shared home. If you each have a separate office that might be an exception. You need to sit him down and explain this is controlling behaviour that needs to stop.

Branleuse · 06/08/2018 07:32

Its symbolic of how he sees you in the hierarchy of the family.

You do get to choose whether you accept being where he places you. If he wants you to live with him as his partner, surely you get a say in your own living arrangements.
Be careful with how much bullshit youre willing to take off a man.

PecanSandy · 06/08/2018 07:35

This behaviour was the last straw in my relationship with exH. I had done the rounds of shops looking for bedroom furniture for our then 3-yr-old DS. Without a car and usually dragging DS with me. It wouldn't have occurrd to me to buy anything without asking his opinion. His first brilliant plan was to.give DS some old sofa cushions piled into a bed shape and dirty old shipping boxes for his toys. Then he decided to take over choosing the furniture because if I did it I'd end up with "particle board Ikea crap".

Some "friends" of his were moving and he bought their daughter's bedroom furniture w/out bothering to let me see it. He paid them a bloody fortune but because they were of his ethnicity, they "knew good furniture". It turned out to be hideous pink and white particle board, huge cupboards that hardly could be crammed into DS's room and covered up the Winnie-the-Pooh stick-on wall decorations he loved and I had somehow found time to put up.

Needless to say I left the furniture when I left him a couple months later. It's reassurung to read that others see this as a power trip.

Oysterbabe · 06/08/2018 07:37

How do the finances work in your house? Do you have money to spend on yourself? You need to call him out on it. He probably just thinks it's a bit of a joke but needs to realise that it isn't. Work out how much childcare would be if you were working and point this out to him. Ask him whether he considers the house to be your home too and if so why he wants to fill it with things you hate.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 06/08/2018 07:38

You think it’s an ego boost for him??
Putting you in your place, and deliberately choosing stuff for your home that you hate, just to hammer home the point that you have no say in the matter? Hmm
This is a far bigger problem than having to sit on a sofa you wouldn’t have chosen.

LoveInTokyo · 06/08/2018 07:39

Sod his taste in upholstery, he sounds like a dickhead!

Zcarter · 06/08/2018 07:42

Have my first LTB. That’s financial and mental abuse get out now he sounds like he has issues. Xx

sexnotgender · 06/08/2018 07:46

Wow, not only does he have shit taste in furniture he’s abusive too.

Does he have any redeeming features?

TheFishInThePot · 06/08/2018 07:49

Shock What a wanker. He see's you as worthless and doesn't mind telling you that.

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