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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To wonder if he has complex needs, a gaming addiction, is just been a typical teenager or I have raised him wrong?!

42 replies

AfternoonTeaIsLovely · 05/08/2018 21:39

My son is almost 15. When I weaned him as a baby I made his food mostly myself and he had a good diet. Over the years he gradually cut good foods out and now will only eat a restricted diet and won't have food that has been touching other food (even when nothing has transferred i.e. dry lettuce touching the side of a sandwich). This has gone on since the age of about 3.

He loves his games console and generally dislikes having to spend time away from it.

He can never see a bigger picture and struggles to accept responsibility i.e. he has just complained to me that he has bought ice cream but the freezer is broken (repair man coming tomorrow) so moaned that it's going to be wasted. He knew it was broke but is acting as though I have failed him somehow!

To tell me this, he walked into the bedroom where I am settling his sister so I told him 'out' but he HAS to tell me what he has come to say despite me telling him to stop and leave so he doesn't wake her up. This is typical of him.

We went out for lunch today and DH mentioned the idea of him getting a little job. He was very irked by this and makes statements about how he has school stress and doesn't want to use up his free time. When we point out he will get extra cash he makes random comments about how we are saying we won't give him money anymore when that's not what we are saying! He twists things.

But he also struggles to communicate with us. He talks quietly around other people and hates if I send him to do a job that means he has to interact with adults - I think he feels self conscious.

And then half an hour later when he's less moody he will hug and kiss us and argue over who loves who more(playfully).

He never ate much lunch today(because the chips he had were chunky restaurant style not skinny fries) and then when we went somewhere else he didn't want to be, he says he's feeling weak. It seems to be his 'go to' to gain sympathy and try and get his own way.

He has his bloods checked about a year ago and all was well. Doc not concerned by his diet as he does eat something.

I don't know if there are bigger issues at play or several smaller issues. Aside from the fact I separated from his biological Dad when he was 22 months he has had a happy childhood and was an only child until 11. He has a good relationship with bio Dasd and has him on an (undeserved) pedestal.

At the age of 6 he went to an education unit on PMs to work on 'classroom skills', learning to put his hand up, not invade personal space etc.

I had him checked for learning difficulties about 3 years ago and it only showed a 'poor working memory'. He is not hitting his target grades at school and barely got grades in his mock exams, he can do better I'm certain he just couldn't be bothered. He's always been behind academically (as an August baby) but is intelligent

He will discuss things he is interested in and repeatedly take conversations back to his interest over a period of hours i.e. talking about the cars he wants when he is older, but coming back to that subject every half an hour for hours.

I don't know if I've made him a spoilt brat or if there is something missed. I'm scared of messing him up if I point all of his 'failings' out to a Dr!

OP posts:
AfternoonTeaIsLovely · 05/08/2018 22:47

Too long to read or lost on a busy board? Hmm

OP posts:
Babyroobs · 05/08/2018 22:59

My 15 year old son is similar in many ways he has food issues, is addicted to gaming and very self conscious. I'm at a loss as to what to do with him too. At times he can be chatty but most of the time bately speaks to any of us. Teachers have never expressed any concerns. He has barely been out of his bedroom in two weeks but we both work and its hard to monitor what he's doing.

AfternoonTeaIsLovely · 05/08/2018 23:02

Well perhaps this is a boy/teenage thing (though good has always been an issue). I kind of mentally prepared that from around 12-17 teenage boys will 'dissapear' into their rooms but I didn't think it would mean he would have such a black and white view on everything!

OP posts:
Clairetree1 · 05/08/2018 23:03

he's 14, he has a step father who wants him to get a job?

SneakyGremlins · 05/08/2018 23:04

I wasn't like that at 15 (obviously can't speak for all teenage boys!) But the repeatedly going over the same subject sounds odd.

AfternoonTeaIsLovely · 05/08/2018 23:07

@Clairetree

Yes but not in an 'earn your keep' type way, we were suggesting a few hours maybe one day a week for a bit of pocket money (and to build his confidence/work ethic).

OP posts:
AfternoonTeaIsLovely · 05/08/2018 23:11

@sneakygremlins

I knew an adult that was the same, would only talk about computer games (never moved out of his Mum's spare room...!). The subjects with my son can be varied but it's like he can't shift his focus. I try to indulge him but with a toddler maybe I'm not doing it enough to make him feel listened to. Or maybe because I indulge him he isn't learning the art of conversation!

I wish I knew the right way to help him on his way to being confident and independent!

Also to add, he is lazy I'm feeding himself, will claim there is 'nothing in' if he has to make a sandwich (meaning there were no sausage rolls or microwave noodles he could easily grab).

OP posts:
AjasLipstick · 05/08/2018 23:11

Claire nothing wrong with wanting a 15 year old to get a job! It's part of growing up....a Saturday job teaches teens about responsibility and earning is good for their self-esteem.

OP my friend's son sounds like yours. He's fine though....she knows it's juist being a teen.

AfternoonTeaIsLovely · 05/08/2018 23:11

@Clairetree1 (mis-tagged above)

OP posts:
Clairetree1 · 05/08/2018 23:14

Claire nothing wrong with wanting a 15 year old to get a job! It's part of growing up....a Saturday job teaches teens about responsibility and earning is good for their self-esteem

its a bit much to try and impose it at 14! and it makes me wonder what his relationship with is step father is like overall

tor8181 · 05/08/2018 23:18

have you looked in to autism/aspergers at all?(all though aspergers comes under asd now)

as a mother that had 2 kids(8 and nearly 14) with it he sounds like he ticks a lot of boxes

QueenOfMyDomain · 05/08/2018 23:20

Has he been checked for Autism as he sounds like my soon who is Autistic (although he is 6!).

GreenTulips · 05/08/2018 23:21

I also thought Aspergers and possibly dyslexia as well

thebellsofsaintclements · 05/08/2018 23:23

Has he been specifically tested for autltism? He sounds so much like my nephew with ASD - the food issues, communication, obsessions, constant gaming....most teachers wouldn't mention it/realise unless he was being disruptive at school.

thebellsofsaintclements · 05/08/2018 23:24

Loads of cross posts and sorry for the spelling mistakes!

AfternoonTeaIsLovely · 05/08/2018 23:27

its a bit much to try and impose it at 14! and it makes me wonder what his relationship with is step father is like overall
Then just ask. Stepfather has raised him since 24 months and they had an incredible bond only lessened by my son now being less interested in him. As I stated, it was a suggestion - during Sunday lunch conversation in public - to him about considering a job and explaining the benefits of doing so, he was the one who got his back up. Why are you pushing this as a stepfather issue? We never even think of my husband as a 'step' parent because he's been so involved and provided for him from very early on, we forget the step element.

OP posts:
AfternoonTeaIsLovely · 05/08/2018 23:30

Those mentioning Asperger's/Autism etc. I went to his school with my concern s 3 years ago and an external person(who was also recommended by another mum) came in and 'tested' him which is where the 'poor working memory' came from. Is there more I should push for? I'd hate to think he had needs unmet though equally I am not hell-bent on 'labelling' him, I just think if he has these needs then they can be catered for if we know it's not just a discipline thing.

OP posts:
saoirse31 · 05/08/2018 23:33

Maybe I'm reading it wrong but you've a son who has food issues of some kind and also memory issues and you seem to be blaming his lack of academic success on laziness and not addressing food issues. And food issues there since 3?

AfternoonTeaIsLovely · 05/08/2018 23:35

As a younger child he was quite easy on that he would entertain himself.

He did go through a long period of banging his forehead on the floor(age 2 til 5 maybe) when he was cross/tantrumming which my Mum thought was a sign of something. He had a Febrile Convulsion at 18months old which I think I read could potentially impact
brain long term?

I don't mean to drip feed,the conversation here is bringing up more points/memories (which is a good starting point for me to create a list to potentially discuss with school/Docs again)

OP posts:
thebellsofsaintclements · 05/08/2018 23:36

Yes definitely push for autism assessment, poor working memory can also be one of the signs (it is in my nephew's case).

Hawkmoth · 05/08/2018 23:39

This has a link to a screening test for adolescents. You could then take results and concerns to your GP and ask for a referral for assessment.

AfternoonTeaIsLovely · 05/08/2018 23:41

@saoirse31

He told me after he got his mock results back that he hadn't really tried. Even in his best subjects he still scored low. He didn't have good predictions in his SATS but came out with average grades (which I would say meant above average for a child who would have been in the what below if born a week later!) So I've always tried to relax and have the opinion that he 'always catches up in the end'.

I am too aware of making a wrong move with him at this age could be damaging. Pushing for a diagnosis that he potentially doesn't get could give him issues, especially if this is 'just him'. Ignoring the situation could prevent him having the best outcome at school and college if there's something I can do to help.

OP posts:
AjasLipstick · 05/08/2018 23:47

Claire It is NOT too much to "impose" it at 14! I got a job at 14 and my own DD is 14 and asking me to assist her to get a job.

What's wrong with a job? Confused

Tonnes of kids work. However OP it's not quite as easy for them as it once was due to changes in the workplace....more adults are now doing low paid, part time work which once would have been what teens did.

AfternoonTeaIsLovely · 05/08/2018 23:47

I'm taking everything on board.

Another thing, he struggles with telling the time. He is only just beginning to grasp it now and still has to look carefully than have a quick glance. I always wondered how this slipped through the net in primary school. I had to buy him a special watch at 11 years old to help him.

OP posts:
imip · 05/08/2018 23:48

I’m a mum to two girls with ASD, I’d go to the GP with concerns about ASD - ticking lots of boxes for me...

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