To wonder if he has complex needs, a gaming addiction, is just been a typical teenager or I have raised him wrong?!

[AfternoonTeaIsLovely]

My son is almost 15. When I weaned him as a baby I made his food mostly myself and he had a good diet. Over the years he gradually cut good foods out and now will only eat a restricted diet and won't have food that has been touching other food (even when nothing has transferred i.e. dry lettuce touching the side of a sandwich). This has gone on since the age of about 3.

He loves his games console and generally dislikes having to spend time away from it.

He can never see a bigger picture and struggles to accept responsibility i.e. he has just complained to me that he has bought ice cream but the freezer is broken (repair man coming tomorrow) so moaned that it's going to be wasted. He knew it was broke but is acting as though I have failed him somehow!

To tell me this, he walked into the bedroom where I am settling his sister so I told him 'out' but he HAS to tell me what he has come to say despite me telling him to stop and leave so he doesn't wake her up. This is typical of him.

We went out for lunch today and DH mentioned the idea of him getting a little job. He was very irked by this and makes statements about how he has school stress and doesn't want to use up his free time. When we point out he will get extra cash he makes random comments about how we are saying we won't give him money anymore when that's not what we are saying! He twists things.

But he also struggles to communicate with us. He talks quietly around other people and hates if I send him to do a job that means he has to interact with adults - I think he feels self conscious.

And then half an hour later when he's less moody he will hug and kiss us and argue over who loves who more(playfully).

He never ate much lunch today(because the chips he had were chunky restaurant style not skinny fries) and then when we went somewhere else he didn't want to be, he says he's feeling weak. It seems to be his 'go to' to gain sympathy and try and get his own way.

He has his bloods checked about a year ago and all was well. Doc not concerned by his diet as he does eat something.

I don't know if there are bigger issues at play or several smaller issues. Aside from the fact I separated from his biological Dad when he was 22 months he has had a happy childhood and was an only child until 11. He has a good relationship with bio Dasd and has him on an (undeserved) pedestal.

At the age of 6 he went to an education unit on PMs to work on 'classroom skills', learning to put his hand up, not invade personal space etc.

I had him checked for learning difficulties about 3 years ago and it only showed a 'poor working memory'. He is not hitting his target grades at school and barely got grades in his mock exams, he can do better I'm certain he just couldn't be bothered. He's always been behind academically (as an August baby) but is intelligent

He will discuss things he is interested in and repeatedly take conversations back to his interest over a period of hours i.e. talking about the cars he wants when he is older, but coming back to that subject every half an hour for hours.

I don't know if I've made him a spoilt brat or if there is something missed. I'm scared of messing him up if I point all of his 'failings' out to a Dr!

@AjasLipstick

Ah yes I guess zero hour contracts would have that impact. I'd even thought of getting him to volunteer somewhere that interested him and then I would pay him.

I didn't try is frequently I couldn't do it. Not always obv but...

I actually don't know what to say because I'm confused by the laissez faire approach. What did gp say about the banging his head for three years?

What is the effect of the working memory?

@imip (and others)

Say he was diagnosed after all these years, what would that mean practically?

Autism assessments aren't something that they 'come in and test for'. They take a long time.

He needs proper assessment.

Well it might be a bit of relief for him knowing he's not all these labels people have stuck on him for years and how he's failing their expectations for one.

Knowing opens doors so he can get the support he needs and isn't getting atm.

My son is also 14 and a big gamer, however he doesn’t display any of the issues your son does. Sorry but you asked is it just being a teenager and my answer is no. Ds18 was not like it either.

@gamerchick

And yet I examined to his school my concerns and this is what happened. I've never been through the process and everyone I have ever spoken to with concerns has downplayed them.

The only person who ever suggested any issues was his Year One teacher, this is what led to the education unit for working on his classroom skills. This teacher suggested ADD/ADHD so I spoke to my HV who came round and chatted to me for an hour then claimed he clearly didn't have attention issues as he had played nicely that whole time.

Head banging was put down to tantrumming.

I've tried to relax because every professional has downplayed any concerns of diagnosis. There has been no Laissez-Faire approach, I have spoken to teachers and supported school. I bought online courses for maths and paid for Kumon tuition which involved having him sit every day to do the work from the programme (15 mins) which caused huge dramas as he obviously didn't want to do extra work at home. I've sat and taught him work that has been sent home as homework which he has not been able to complete. I persuaded his head teacher to scribe see of his SATS work.

I have not sat back and ignored his struggles.

My biggest concern is that I push for a diagnosis but it isn't really anything but him being a teenager/spoilt brat. I am not looking for reasons or excuses to his behaviour but open to him potentially needing other support.

As more of you say it ticks boxes for your additional needs children I am kicking myself for not pushing things more at a younger age.

As for the working memory thing, I was told that's why he struggled with organising himself at school (forgetting planner etc.) and that a note would be made to help promote him and make allowances. As school got stricter in its rules, he is better organised which would suggest this was previously down to 'lack of consequences' and now he's paying more attention to avoid punishment???

Typos

*scribe some of his SATs work

*prompt him

Ticking LOADS of boxes for ASD.

Both my kids have ASD. He sounds VERY similar. It takes a LONG time to get a dx. May I suggest looking into getting it done privately if you can afford it? The dx does not bring real help, its mainly the just knowing who you are & parents learning coping & behaviour management strategies. Seek out support groups in your area & look up ASD websites like National autistic society. I'd be shocked if this is not ASD tbh. Don't be fobbed off!

If your son has ASD, you’ll get a unique understanding of how he reacts in certain situations. He may be very relieved that he understands why life may sometimes be a struggle. I pushed very hard for my dds diagnoses because I’d read many accounts of people diagnosed as adults who said that knowing in their youth may have really made a difference. Also, school may have interventions, such as help with social communication skills.

OP please, please push for your son to be assessed. I have an 11 year old and food issues aside, he is exactly the same. DS is dyslexic (slow processing speed), dyspraxic and has Aspergers.

He has support in school where it is needed. I am keen for him to develop his own coping mechanisms but I ensure his teachers are aware. We talk about the different traits (habits...) to raise his own awareness, this has helped him recognise when he needs to reign it in a bit. He will otherwise talk incessantly about Minecraft to anyone who will listen.

There are some great FB pages, Operation Diversity and Special Needs Jungle spring to mind, that are helpful. Also the Dyspraxia Foundation. Most of DS's traits are dyspraxia related, it isn't just about being clumsy.

I appreciate how relentless it can be raising a child like DS, especially in the summer holidays!

I agree with PP this screams ASD to me (but obviously he needs to be assessed by a professional). ASD if often seen alongside other learning issue (e.g. dyselxia) which would explain the combination of intelligence but under achieving.

Dyslexics struggle with organization, tend to avoid work especially hand written, some have poor working memory and slow processing as well as poor spelling and grammar.

There are ASD, Dyspraxia, Dyslexia flags all over your description of your DS... all 3 of those conditions have been diagnosed in my family members (sometimes in combination).

If your DS has any of these conditions it’s well worth getting a diagnosis because of the negative impact being undiagnosed is likely to have on his educational attainment.

2 of my DS received tailored support in high school (I’m not saying it was easy, but a diagnosis was something to “hold over” the school management to push them to give the support they needed). Both got significantly above average exam grades and university places... that wouldn’t have happened without the extra support and special arrangements for exams.

At university both received continued support from student disability services, mentors, equipment, and one received funding for an expensive personalised 1:1 course of tuition to teach him how to best study and work round his dyslexia.
Universities are much more supportive, in our experience, than the schools system - but the DC have to get the grades to get in there in the first place!

My 15 year old son has asd and sounds like your son. He's quite child like. If I compare him with my slightly older son he is not as capable. If you think of younger children they are usually fairly selfish in that they are focused on themselves. They look to see how situations affect them. I would visit your doctor to ask for him / her to arrange investigations. Different areas do this differently. Some send you to camhs who then investigate. Some send you to a paediatrician. Good luck.