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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Asking people I don't know for money!

41 replies

Celestia26 · 05/08/2018 21:00

I am organising a Hen night for my friend in a few weeks and she has mentioned to me that it is expected that everyone else pays for the bride, and please can I speak to the other hens about this?
First of all, is this a thing? I had a Hen night a few years ago and I paid for my part.
Also, how do I approach this with the other hens? I don't really know any of them very well, and I feel uncomfortable asking people for more money, you just don't know what other people's financial situations are like!
Should I just pay for my friend to avoid asking everyone else? I'm not well off by any means but maybe this is the best option?
Help!!

OP posts:

shakeyourcaboose · 05/08/2018 21:01

Was she at your hen and who chose the activities etc for hers?

Original poster

Celestia26 · 05/08/2018 21:03

She was at my hen night, but didn't pay for me. She has chosen the activities for hers.

OP posts:

NewYearNewMe18 · 05/08/2018 21:03

she has mentioned to me that it is expected that everyone else pays for the bride

grabby

DoloresTheNewt · 05/08/2018 21:03

You may not know the other hens very well, but they are presumably her good friends and will understand that someone - that's you - has to be the organiser. I would find it quite understandable if I had a call asking me to contribute a share of the cost of taking the bride out for her hen night.

Original poster

Celestia26 · 05/08/2018 21:06

Is it expected for the bride not to pay? It seems weird to me, but I haven't been to many Hen nights really.

OP posts:

TheFlis12345 · 05/08/2018 21:09

Wow, that's cheeky. I was not allowed to pay for anything on my hen weekend but that was the hens choice bless them. I certainly expected to pay my way, and never in a million years would have told them I expected not to!

glintandglide · 05/08/2018 21:09

It depends. A meal in a Restaurant, then yes it would be expected everyone pays a bit more to cover the bride.

A weekend in Ibiza, no way!

Can you get these brilliant companies who deal with the finance side of hen parties for you for a very small fee. It’s like an online account, everyone pays the website, if they don’t pay their spot isn’t booked so no one has to cover them

PandaPieForTea · 05/08/2018 21:10

I think you need to be really careful not to commit to any spending without having all of the money up-front. I don’t know if it is normal for everyone else to pay for the bride, but it seems odd that the bride would ask for it.

Uzicorn · 05/08/2018 21:15

Don't enable her by paying for her.

Send a group email to hens except bride. Say something like:

'I understand from bride it's customary for hens to treat the bride and divide her portion of costs between the hens. This will be an extra £10 per bride. I hope this is ok for all but do let me know of any issues.'

If a few people object, tell bride a few unwilling to pay for her so might be best if she pays for herself.

Uzicorn · 05/08/2018 21:16

per hen not per bride !

Original poster

Celestia26 · 05/08/2018 21:19

Good message, thanks Uzicorn!

OP posts:

LeroyJenkins · 05/08/2018 21:21

surely its for a Hen to come up with the idea to pay for the bride? not the bride to demand that they pay for her

you could mention it to see if people think its a good idea, and have a vote between the hens maybe - but its not a done deal and its a bit grabby

and dont you pay for it if they dont want to

Returnofthesmileybar · 05/08/2018 21:22

We always pay for the hen and mine was paid for too BUT we do cheap and cheerful hen parties so would probably add €8 per person for the group and it's not set in stone, I offered to pay but the girls insisted. If it was an expensive hen/hen abroad/hen with expensive activities then I think they should pay for their own.

I also think it's too late if they have already been told a price, you give an all in price and don't go back for more money

LeroyJenkins · 05/08/2018 21:23

the message should be more like

'I understand from bride it's customary for hens to treat the bride and divide her portion of costs between the hens. If we do this then this will be an extra £10 per bride.

I hope this is ok for all but do let me know of any issues before XXX so we can arrange.'

Nikephorus · 05/08/2018 21:25

I'd send 'The bride says everyone should be covering her costs. I'm not sure if this usual (certainly I covered my own costs at my hen night that Bride attended) so thought I'd check with you all first given the events that Bride has decided on. If you don't feel you can cover her costs as well as your own do let me know and I'll tell her that she needs to be paying me herself for her share.'

Howhot · 05/08/2018 21:27

Uzicorn message is great and I've received similar in the past and was more than happy to contribute but I agree - an evening/day of activities, sure! A weekend/holiday away somewhere no way!

Howhot · 05/08/2018 21:27

But your friend is very rude and grabby.

CakeNinja · 05/08/2018 21:27

I was a bridesmaid and organised a hen do. It was very laid back, spoke to the bride and she asked for a meal, cocktails and dancing. I sent out invites specifying times for where would be for each bit and told people to drop in and out as they wanted.
This gave the option to people to make it as cheap as they wanted.
The upside of this was that, because I didn’t know a lot of the people I was inviting, I didn’t have to ask them for any money!
The other bridesmaid and myself paid for the bride during the day, meal and cocktails, then the bride paid for some drinks in the evening. We also paid for her hotel stay and transport to and from.
I wouldn’t have asked the others to contribute towards this and it wasn’t offered which was fine.
I think she’s put you in a sticky position but I would always and do happily contribute to a brides hen do. If you can pay to cover it, that might be an easier idea if you don’t want to tell her It’s not happening or if you can’t face asking people you don’t know.
It’s awkward though and you shouldn’t have to pay extra just on her say so!

Whatififall · 05/08/2018 21:31

For the hen do’s I’ve been on - and the one I’m going on in the autumn - we’ve always covered the bride’s costs. It’s never been anything massive, maybe an extra £10-£15 per person if there’s 10 of you. So I would say it is customary.

Mind you, reading some of these threads I think I’m lucky with my friends as we all have the same expectations and budgets so no cheeky fuckery goes on.

Thatssomebadhatharry · 05/08/2018 21:33

I paid for myself for a weekend away plus for the meal we had out. The hens did pay for my nails and some bubbly. Was lovely but not expected as they had already paid to come in money and more importantly time. What a grabby cf.

Sciurus83 · 05/08/2018 21:36

Our friendship group always pays for the bride, totally normal.

Laska5772 · 05/08/2018 21:37

Things have changed ! I actually expected to pay for my 'hens'/ bridesmaids to come out and celebrate with me a couple of days before my wedding (but it was over 13 years ago and was drinks and an Italian meal for 4 ..so ok not the whizzyest of dos ) ..

They were lovely and wouldn't hear of it and paid for the meal for me but im sure we did we did 'rounds' in the pub as usual

I would never have actually asked..

donquixotedelamancha · 05/08/2018 21:39

she has mentioned to me that it is expected that everyone else pays for the bride, and please can I speak to the other hens about this? First of all, is this a thing?

No. It's not a thing. A small, close group of friends going out might all decide to pay for the bride, because they want to, but you can't tell strangers that is what they are doing.

Personally I think even asking people to speak up if they object is too awkward- the most I would do is suggest a voluntary extra amount and reduce the bride's bill by what you get.

From listening to previous hen's moans:

Try to keep costs down.
Be really clear about the total cost upfront.
Be really clear what's included in that.
Collect all the money before booking anything.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/08/2018 21:39

She’s being very out of order. My friends wanted to throw me a small shower even though our wedding was just family. They thought it was an excuse for a night out and it was lovely. I paid for dinner for everyone, we’d done something we each paid for during the day out and I’d have been horrified if they’d paid for me.

You’ve had a hen do, some people seem to see it as an excuse for a massive free jolly, but you didn’t and none of the brides I know have done it and it’s a ridiculous idea. Even more so since she’s picked the activities! Cheeky mare.

Bunchofdaffodils · 05/08/2018 21:39

Nikephourus, that sounds a bit too bitchy to me!

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