Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No birthday present from DH

32 replies

Yogaspice · 05/08/2018 19:49

We’re on holiday in the uk. Been here a week. It’s my birthday tomorrow and we were in the local shop a little while ago, there was wrapping paper by the till so I asked if he needed any (he is forgetful) and he said no, he hadn’t got me anything (with a look of horror on his face). Probably because this is not the first birthday/mother’s day/Christmas this has happened with and he knows how much it upsets me.

His excuse, he couldn’t think of anything since I gave up alcohol and chocolate a few months ago!! I do have a card though by all accounts.

We’re not flush, but £20 wouldn’t be an issue.

He is 100% not joking, and as I said he has form. Im actually totally devastated and can’t stop crying! On the one hand I feel selfish and like a spoiled child, on the other I feel completely taken for granted and like I don’t matter a jot.

The teenagers were horrified and have dragged him to the tesco express (but turns out they didn’t get anything either, assuming he’d do it), and the 10year old thinks it’s not the end of the world and I should get over it (which is really tempting me to pretend I have nothing for her birthday next month).

I always make such an effort for everyone else all year, and a thoughtful token was all I expected, book, cheap earrings, nail polish, anything would have done.

So wibu to ram whatever crap he brings back where the sun doesn’t shine? Apart from the fact there’s nothing he could get that’s even remotely gift like, it seems pointless now I’ve had to point it out.

Also, I just don’t know how to deal with it, as I now don’t want to do what we had planned for tomorrow as I can’t even be in the same room as him I’m so angry and upset.

OP posts:
IceCreamFace · 05/08/2018 19:55

YANBU. I'd reject whatever stupid crap he buys from Tesco express and insist on him actually making some kind of effort for your birthday (depends what you'd actually enjoy - he cooks you your favourite meal, prepares a picnic, plans a day out to somewhere you like, etc). It should be something that actually requires effort and thought. YOu're not being spoiled - I imagine it's not that you wanted an expensive gift you just wanted a small amount of thought and care.

OverTheHedgeSammy · 05/08/2018 20:14

Hmm, is there anything you'd like to do tomorrow? Because if I were you I'd pack up and go off for the day and spend it as YOU want to.

Tell them that you don't want to spend your birthday with people who don't appreciate you.

AnExcellentUsername · 05/08/2018 20:16

Someone will be along in a minute to tell you that anyone who even remembers their own birthday past the age of 9 is ridiculous.

CarrotandSwede · 05/08/2018 20:19

I would remind him that your birthday occurs every year and it’s not some fucking surprise. I’m pretty sure shops sell products other than chocolate and wine.

Also don’t make an effort for his.

cloudyweewee · 05/08/2018 20:19

Well if he has done it before why did you expect thisbirthday to be any different? Are you one of those women who remembers all family birthdays (including in laws) while the helpless husband does bugger all? If so, this shouldn't come as a surprise to you! Stop being the organiser- the fact that you felt the need to point out the wrapping paper wasn't a good omen.

cloudyweewee · 05/08/2018 20:20

I meant to add - when it's his birthday, do nothing.

foodiefil · 05/08/2018 20:22

Do nothing for his birthday and I'd be tempted to teach the 10yo a lesson in the same way but ha that's cruel

But so is what they're doing to you

I'd feel the same!

Moody123 · 05/08/2018 20:22

Go online and order something you want tonight, it'll arrive on Tuesday ...
I think the teenagers should have bought you something , they shouldn't just assume?? And for you DH just don't buy him anything? I am sorry but I am that petty x

LostMyBaubles · 05/08/2018 20:23

Dont blame you op

'D' H got me fuck all for my birthday
Forgot our anniversary too and when I gave him his present he still didnt say f.a

PoshPenny · 05/08/2018 20:26

Fuck them all. Make sure you don't bother for all their birthdays and let them see how that feels. Decide what it is you want to do/buy/have, make sure your husband pays for it and leave them all to fend for themselves on that day. It's horrible when your family treat you like you don't matter Thanks

Bluelady · 05/08/2018 20:27

It's my birthday tomorrow too. I know I'm not getting a present either. It's entirely my fault because I'm fussy and can't think of anything I want. Here's to our birthdays, fellow Leo, let's have a lovely day regardless. 🍸

Iloveacurry · 05/08/2018 20:29

Would definitely not bother getting him anything on his birthday.

Botanicbaby · 05/08/2018 20:29

Omg your whole family sound really thoughtless, not just your DP but your teenagers and your ten year old. Why haven’t any of them thought if you and bought you a small gift? Have they always been like this?
Stop running after them and making an effort. Your ten year old is old enough to learn a lesson too I’m afraid. Tell them all to “get over it” if they find themselves with no thought gone into their day.

starfishmummy · 05/08/2018 20:30

Mine managed to remember this year. He got me a bottle of bog standard gin from the supermarket. At least it wasn't own brand. I hardly drink at all and gin isn't my tipple although I might have made an exception for a nice artisan brand.

zippyswife · 05/08/2018 20:32

When she does shit like this I go and buy/order something I’d love that he would never have had the good taste/sense to pick for me- looking at my beautiful bracelet now...
Tictail have lovely bespoke silver jewellery for this I find!
Sorry to hear he is shit. I’m the least precious person but having been there I do sympathise. Maybe go and get your hair find away from everyone too.

JennyHolzersGhost · 05/08/2018 20:33

Time to stop being quite so obliging, I think.

Barbaro · 05/08/2018 20:38

Nah you aren't being unreasonable. They are all very selfish. Your 10 year old attitude is awful too. Forget their birthdays, all of them. If they want to be rude like that, be rude back.

sachabloom · 05/08/2018 21:47

YANBU, my DP didn't get me anything for my birthday because he "couldn't think of anything" and it really hurt my feelings (but I didn't say anything out of fear of looking like a child which I now regret!)

I hope you have a nice birthday none the less xx

Kolo · 05/08/2018 22:02

Yanbu. I think I know exactly how you feel. A few years ago we were on holiday for my birthday (just happened to have my birthday while we were away, not that it was FOR my birthday). I was pregnant and we had a toddler. My OH doesn’t give much of a crap about his own birthday and as such doesn’t think about anyone else’s birthday. On the day of my birthday he’d bought me no present, no card. I was really upset. As we were away, it meant I had no cards or presents at all on my birthday. I felt so insignificant and taken for granted. I also felt annoyed with myself, like i was being a materialistic princess demanding presents, but I really just wanted some acknowledgement of my birthday. I was so properly upset that he has not forgotten since. He felt dreadful when he saw how hurt i was.

Original poster
Yogaspice · 05/08/2018 22:10

Thanks everyone, I went out for a walk and feel much better. More from knowing I'm not alone, mumsnet is amazing!

That's it kolo, it first happened many years ago when our kids were tiny, I didn't think it would ever happen again!

Definitely time for some changes around here though.

OP posts:
twattymctwatterson · 05/08/2018 22:19

You need to really kick up a fuss about this op. I know people always pop up on threads like this to say that birthdays aren't a big deal etc but this would be the death knell for a relationship for me because it demonstrates how little you are valued

ThinkingCat · 05/08/2018 22:21

I am sorry, this is very annoying and upsetting - it's not actually about the present itself, it is about the lack of thought.

Please accept some advance birthday Cake and Flowers.

What sort of thing was planned for tomorrow and did it involve celebrating your birthday?

jelliebelly · 05/08/2018 22:38

What a thoughtless bunch - happy birthday for tomorrow 💐

In future try reminding them all in the run up to your birthday - make birthday plans to ensure you have the day you want - no use sitting around hoping they will remember!

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 05/08/2018 22:42

I am NEVER a martyr or polite about my own birthday. I make a massive fuss about it in the weeks leading up, tell DH and DS how much it means to me, drop hints, have lists. I have no idea what would happen if I didn’t do these things but don’t intend to find out...

I love birthdays, and I love MY birthday and I demand that it is celebrated. Grin

Poptart4 · 05/08/2018 23:05

My dp did this once. We were on holiday at the time and i didn't get so much as a 'happy birthday' said to me. I was so disappointed and hurt. Again its not the present its feeling like nobody cares about you and your just not worth the effort.

I made sure he knew how hurt i was and when it was his birthday 6 months later he got the same thing i did, nothing! Hes never forgotten my birthday since.

And just to be extra sure i make a point of mentioning my birthday a week or 2 before hand. So he has no excuses.

Op go out and treat yourself. A spa day or shopping trip or whatever makes you happy. Leave your ungrateful family to entertain themselves and spoil yourself. You deserve it.

Swipe left for the next trending thread