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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... are there significant things about you that DH/DP does not know?

37 replies

NCANother · 05/08/2018 15:52

DSister recently got married. Had meet the groom a few times, but not had to chance to get to know him. Recently, they were visiting, and we got to chatting about of lot of things. He seems really nice, I think they are a good match (her 2nd marriage, late 30s, no kids).

However, it was clear from the conversation that there are fairly significant things about her an her life that were not know to the new DH (career change, where she lived, etc. and others).

I got me thinking about how well we really know our partners!

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LinoleumBlownapart · 05/08/2018 15:55

That's odd. I've been with my husband since I was about 20 so anything he doesn't know is mostly childhood stuff. I can imagine as you get older, there's so much more history that's not shared. When you meet someone new at 30 you're getting to know them as they are now, learning about their past is probably less important maybe.

RobinEggs · 05/08/2018 15:58

I’ve been with dh since I was 23. There is an awful lot he doesn’t know about me - number of sexual partners, age I lost virginity, anything to do with ex relationships at all. He’s made it perfectly clear he’s not interested so I haven’t told him. I also ha a brief relationship with a celebrity that dh despises - I always have a little snigger to myself if dh ever mentions him. I also don’t know any of that stuff about him as apparently it’s private.

AlleyG · 05/08/2018 15:59

There's absolutely tonnes of stuff that DP doesn't know about me...

.... how many sexual partners I've actually had (I told him I lost count at about 50 but really it's more like 250)
... that I used to be a podium dancer and did private dances for the right price
... that I used to date a very famous footballer that DP likes
... that I used to do phone sex lines to make extra cash

delphguelph · 05/08/2018 15:59

Same as Robin.

I've slept with loads of totally unsuitable blokes pre DH, it'd turn his and his family's hair grey if they knew.

tealandteal · 05/08/2018 16:01

How did he not know where she lived?! There isn't much my DH doesn't know to be honest

CoodleMoodle · 05/08/2018 16:48

DH and I have been together since we were 17 (29 now), so we've been through a lot of significant life stuff as a couple (uni, starting work, 2 DC, etc). There's probably things we don't know about one another, but nothing important!

Original poster
NCANother · 05/08/2018 16:49

@tealandteal , she'd worked/trained abroad for 18 months (medical field) and from the conversation if seemed the new DH did not know that.

Also, as I read the replies from other, it made me think that there are a good few things my DH does not know bout my younger days too, I fell they are smaller things all about growing and becoming and adult. So it's not that uncommon.

My DH also does not know that I spent a few years in counseling / therapy.

Hopefully everything goes well for them. I feel they are a good match.

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GooodMythicalMorning · 05/08/2018 16:49

Not really no. But then we were teenagers when we met.

Original poster
NCANother · 05/08/2018 16:50

... ignore the grammar and phone typos :(

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Awrite · 05/08/2018 16:56

There's far too much to know. I was 30 when we got together. He knows the basics but not the details.

Couple of things which would paint me in a bad light. I'm not interested in talking about such things.

Petitpomme · 05/08/2018 17:41

My DH and I have never discussed our previous sexual past. It bears no relevance to our current relationship so we've never felt the need to. I do know roughly that I have a lot more 'experience' than him from little things he's said here and there. He'd probably be mortified to know what I was like in my early 20's Blush

Original poster
NCANother · 05/08/2018 18:40

Interesting the most of the posts relate to prior sex slide, not that surprising I suppose.

I'm probably a rare exception in that DH knows I was in previous serious LTR, that ended due to sexual incompatibility (he basically was not very interested in sex). So when I met DH, and got to know each other better and started getting serious, then we had a very frank talk about expectations and hopes going forward (not just sex, but that was certainly a major topic for me).

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Original poster
NCANother · 05/08/2018 18:40

... prior sex life ... typing on phone on train ... aaarrgggh :(

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Tunnocks34 · 05/08/2018 18:47

My ex boyfriend hit me. Only once. Punched me across the face.

I’ve never told a soul. Not one single person. I don’t know if I’m embarrassed or it’s been so long since I left him, it seems a bit pathetic to bring it up now. Either way I can’t inagine I’ll ever tell him now.

FASH84 · 05/08/2018 18:51

Sometimes I think DH and I know too much, we've been best friends since we were eleven, but other than a bit of a dalliance around sixth form age we didn't get together properly until I was 25, but in the interim knew the ins and outs of each other's lives

KipperTheFrog · 05/08/2018 18:52

Been with DH since we were teenagers so pretty much know it all (I think). If a person doesn't tell their significant other a fact about their life, there must be a reason.

Original poster
NCANother · 05/08/2018 18:57

Tunnocks34, your comment is interesting, but somewhat familiar. The reality is that your ex should be ashamed, remorseful, etc of himself, instead you are unsure of your feelings. It's horrible, and I bet you're glad he's an ex!

I've often thought about why I never told DH about my years in therapy, not sure, but I think it might challenge his (and mine!) view of me as being strong, in control, fearless, etc.

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Whatsthatgottodowithmyknob · 05/08/2018 18:59

Besides from the fact that i broke his favourite mug a few weeks ago I think he knows everything

Seniorschoolmum · 05/08/2018 19:00

To be fair, many people would rather not know their partner’s previous sex life.

BikeRunSki · 05/08/2018 19:03

DH didn’t know that I could speak French until we went to my sister’s wedding, even we’d been together for about 10 months. I had a fair amount to drink, and gabbled away to my sister’s MIL quite happily for hours! DH was Shock!

WyfOfBathe · 05/08/2018 19:07

There's nothing that I have intentionally kept from DH, but I'm sure there are things he doesn't know.

Until I was pregnant, I hadn't told him about the physical abuse I received as a child. It was fairly infrequent/low level and I didn't think it still affected me until I started thinking more about what kind of parent I wanted to be.

Tunnocks34 · 05/08/2018 19:15

Nother I know. It’s strange because actually I know it’s his fault, I know I don’t need to be ashamed and I know I didn’t do anything wrong. I left him the second he hit me and didn’t look back. I don’t know why it makes me feel embarrassed, for a long time I didn’t think of it at all, and I don’t now really. To be honest it hasn’t massively affected me. I didn’t ever hide it from him as such as just never got round to telling him?

Original poster
NCANother · 05/08/2018 19:34

@Tunnocks34, "I know it’s his fault, I know I don’t need to be ashamed and I know I didn’t do anything wrong" ... that's exactly right as it should be.

For him hopefully: he knows it was his fault, he feels ashamed and I knows he did something seriously wrong

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Doidontimmm · 05/08/2018 19:41

I was raped. Never told a single soul. Until I just typed it right now.

dressesdressesdresses · 05/08/2018 19:46

Me and dh been together since 15 so he knows everything and so do I