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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to give less money for this holiday?

52 replies

forbiddenfruitcrumble · 05/08/2018 11:12

DS is at university, will be going into his 3rd year in October.

He usually still comes on holiday with us.

When we talked about this summer I asked him if he wanted to come with us or if he had stuff planned with friends. He has always talked about going traveling and some friends was going to India, so he thought he would go with him but didn't have the money. I said if he didn't want to come with us I would give him a chunk of money to go traveling, 1.5k.

I offered this because DS has had a very difficult childhood (not with us) and I really wanted him to have this experience.

He has now told us that the friend who was going to India is now going to a former USSR country. I didn't think of the money when he first mentioned it, I was impressed he had the guts to go off the tourist track and rough it a bit traveling. I have since discovered that this country is the new techno club centre which fits in perfectly with his preferred recreational pursuits.

I have already paid for his flight, which was much less than it would have been to India. Would I be VU to massively reduce the amount on offer? He also hasn't worked at all this summer.

OP posts:
Uzicorn · 05/08/2018 11:51

The only country in the world that at passport control welcomes you to ythe country with a bottle of red wine and a welcome to Georgia greeting

That's not particularly amazing. They're drumming up tourist business.

Aridane · 05/08/2018 11:54

It’s their culture of wine and hospitality going back centuries.

Aridane · 05/08/2018 11:54

PS I am a big Georgia fan!

HolyPieter · 05/08/2018 11:58

Why on Earth did you give him anything in the first place?

He's a grown adult, he should be paying his own way.

MadMags · 05/08/2018 11:59

It's not controlling! She hasn't given it to him yet, so how is it taking it back?

OP, he sounds really spoiled. Why hasn't he gotten a job?

Original poster
forbiddenfruitcrumble · 05/08/2018 12:04

He is quite spoiled but had a very difficult start in life which left him quite solitary, so I've always been willing to pay for stuff that gets him out and doing stuff that will build confidence and resilience. He doesn't usually take the piss or ask for money.

We have hardly seen him since he told us about the change of plans and he's not here now.

OP posts:
HolyPieter · 05/08/2018 12:08

So what if he had a "difficult start in life"?

He should be working during the holidays, not sitting on his backside.

Urbanbeetler · 05/08/2018 12:08

I realised it wasn’t Prague from what you said - I was responding to another poster.

I would worry about him having such a large amount of money somewhere where drugs are cheap and plentiful. Is he very hedonistic?

DarlingNikita · 05/08/2018 12:10

What bearing does it being 'a former USSR country' have here? Confused

I realise I'm probably msising the point. TBH I'm finding your question a bit confusing.

I think it's a lot of money to give him wherever he's going and for how long.

MadMags · 05/08/2018 12:11

I get that, OP but are you really doing him any favours?

I'm just saying: difficult start or not, he won't be a well-rounded, responsible adult if mummy and daddy keep paying for everything because he had a bit of a bumpy start.

I'm not criticising! But you sound very like my parents who treated my older brother the same and now at 45 he's an overgrown baby, single, and with the biggest sense of entitlement going. And we're all expected to prop him up and bail him out.

It's a slippery slope, is all. Just be careful.

BewareOfDragons · 05/08/2018 12:12

I would cut it right down. £1,500 for 2 months of travelling was a lovely offer, but he's have a 2 week holiday in a cheap destination that you've already paid the flights for instead ... give him £4-500 spending money. No way would I give him £1,500 for a 2 week holiday in Georgia!

He should have got a part time job or done odd jobs to pick up some cash, too. His failure to do so is not your problem.

ForgivenessIsDivine · 05/08/2018 12:14

Part of me thinks that you have offered him the money but as he hasn't choosen to spend it finding himself India like a privileged wannabee hippy of the 1990's but has already found himself and wants to go clubbing, you have judged his choices and want to revoke the offer.

However, will you also pay his living costs until he leaves?

You could give him the money to spend as he likes, including food and bills and make it clear that it is all he will get for the summer.

llangennith · 05/08/2018 13:16

I'd be reducing it. As you say OP it's not travelling, it's a clubbing holiday for which he should've worked and earned the money to pay for it.

KurriKurri · 05/08/2018 14:14

I'd tell him you've put the money away to help him if he decides to go trvaelling at a later date, but since he's now going on a two week clubbing holiday instead you'll give him a bit of pocket money and pay his flight (about £200 - he must have some money himself)

I know he has had a difficult time, but part of travelling and finding independence is planning ahead and finding ways to get the money together and living on a shoestring when you are there - that's what makes the experience IME. as yousay he's had the chane to earn some cash theses holiday is if it is just for blowing on clubs purposes.

Bluelady · 05/08/2018 14:20

So it's a gift with strings. It seems a bit mean to give the money with one hand then take it back with the other.

SunnyCoco · 05/08/2018 14:21

So he’s about 20, 21 years old with No part time job / weekend work...
At that age most people work and save up for holidays to be honest.

Thiswontendwell · 05/08/2018 15:48

So - you generously offered him £1500 for a two month trip. I cant see the problem with reducing it in line with the duration of the trip....anything more than £350 would be very kind indeed (and I don't know how flight costs are being factored - was the £1500 in addition to paying for the flights to India? And you have already bought those to Georgia now?)
So no judgements about exactly what he is doing or where he is going - just an adjustment to take account of the length of holiday?

Godowneasy · 05/08/2018 19:28

Of course you can reduce the original amount! You offered the original amount (very generously) based on his needs for a two month trip to India.
Now, you can base the amount you give him on his needs for a two week trip to Georgia.

It's that simple.

If he was my younster, I'd offer make the offer of cash on condition that he did a shed load of chores around the house on a regular basis between now and his departure date.

Howhot · 05/08/2018 19:38

Yeah he's being cheeky and I would call him out on it. I wouldn't be giving him 1.5k for him to blow it on a clubbing holiday.

haribosmarties · 05/08/2018 19:41

YANBU if hes only going for two weeks and the original plan was for four then its reasonable to also halve the amount yu were going to give i think

IceCreamFace · 05/08/2018 19:44

YANBU that is a lot of money for a week in Prague/Croatia, totally different from a once in a life time trip to India.

ScattyCharly · 05/08/2018 19:47

I’d just say, can you add up how much money you think you’ll need for Georgia as I think that the original £1.5k was intended for 2 months in India. I’d say to him he can have the unused part of the 1.5k for his 3rd yr

DotForShort · 05/08/2018 19:50

Georgia has so much to offer. I certainly hope he doesn’t plan to spend all his time clubbing!

YANBU to reduce the amount of money you give him.

MaisyPops · 05/08/2018 19:59

Reduce the spends according to the trip.

Nobody is entitled to have their parents fund thousands of pounds worth of travelling.

cheeseoverchocolate · 05/08/2018 20:04

Since you have already 'promised' him £1.500, could you tell him you would be happy to give him £500 towards Georgia and the remaining grand would go towards some 'serious' travelling on his own. A grand would go a long way in India and he'd get to experience the country better on his own?
I don't think giving £1500 necessarily means spoiling your son.

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